by Lucy Coleman
‘It’s not just the cold, is it? What are you keeping from me? I can see it in your eyes. It comes and goes, so that means you’re pushing it away. You haven’t had second thoughts about going from a quiet wedding to a bit of a proper do, have you? I mean, everyone wants to be in on it, and we should be grateful about that. And now I’m not so worried about the money side of things, so let’s make it memorable in a way that feels right for us.’
‘It’s not that. There’s no easy way to say this because I’m still in shock – in fact it has left me feeling numb.’ His brows knit together as he looks at me expectantly. ‘I found out yesterday that Valerie is my mother; she is, or was, Alison James.’
Gray’s jaw drops appreciably and his mouth gapes open in disbelief. He jerks upright, staring down at me.
‘Did I hear that right? Valerie? Mrs Price? You didn’t dream this, Immi, did you? I mean, your temperature keeps spiking and when someone is delirious their thoughts can sometimes seem very real.’
I ease myself upright as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him so tenderly. I can see that he thinks I’m getting sicker by the minute.
‘It’s true. There’s no way she could know my mother’s name. Tollie has no idea that Valerie has shared her secret with me and neither does Bernie.’
‘Bernie? What’s Bernie got to do with it?’
‘Valerie was born and brought up in Middle Norton and that’s how she met Dad. Bernie is Tollie’s closest friend and they even went to school here together. Few of today’s inhabitants will know what happened back then. But Bernie probably does.’
‘How do you feel about that?’ Gray’s eyes search mine, hesitantly.
‘Disappointed, I suppose, and overprotected in a way that leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I certainly didn’t know Valerie until after I came to live with Tollie. And she didn’t stay long before handing in her notice. I always believed it was because Tollie and I were constantly rowing over how messy I was and, well, selfish. But it turns out that wasn’t the case. Grandma had asked Valerie to look after Tollie, thinking he’d be here on his own. No one could have foreseen that Dad wasn’t going to be around by then, or that I would end up living here permanently, so I get that. Grandma must have believed Valerie’s explanation, whilst honouring Dad’s decision to let the past lie. Valerie may be able to take the blame for a lot of things, but what she went through was tough and hearing about it wasn’t easy.’
As I tell him all about Valerie’s illness, the poignancy I feel in repeating her words sends a chill to my core. His reaction indicates, like me, he’s finding it difficult to process the information, let alone draw a conclusion from it.
‘It’s hard to take in. It’s crazy, Immi. I’d imagined some heartless, selfish person, because she did the worst thing imaginable. Admittedly, Valerie is a very private woman and a bit of a loner at times, but her heart’s in the right place. She’s worked tirelessly for the community and on our Christmas project, and never asked for anything in return. And all the while she was keeping an eye on you, her daughter.’
I nod, forcing down a gulp as a lump suddenly rises up in my throat. ‘She was. And Tollie said nothing, but she knew he was growing more and more concerned about the situation. Fisher is totally unaware of any of this and that’s why she told me. Valerie said it wasn’t fair on me, or Fisher, to think she can make a life here, given how things have developed. He is like my second dad; everyone knows that, and she believes he’ll hate her when he finds out the truth because she doesn’t deserve forgiveness.’
Gray hugs me even closer and I try not to sniffle.
‘You believe her story, though?’
I sit quietly in his arms, trying hard to breathe over his shoulder and keep my germs at bay.
‘I do. But that doesn’t mean to say I know how to react to it.’
‘Immi, you know that Tollie would do anything for you, don’t you? He’d give his life for you.’
I nod and he feels the movement.
Gray’s reaction mirrors my own. It had never occurred to me that at some point in my life I’d have to practise forgiveness for people who had always put me first.
‘If I question him, he’ll think he’s failed me in some way, and he didn’t. Dad had a right to decide what was best for me. Grandma and Tollie were simply falling in line with his decision. I think they all knew that I couldn’t have coped with the truth back then and they were right. Getting to know Valerie as member of our community, I wasn’t on my guard around her, or raking up feelings of bitterness about the past. I became friends with her because I sensed her pain and her regret, without even knowing we had any connection at all. I discovered the woman she really is and the sense of sadness that she has carried with her throughout her life. You can’t blame someone when they’re ill and their life suddenly falls apart around them – what she needed most at that time was help.’
Gray sighs. ‘How ironic that you were the one who put Valerie and Fisher together.’
‘I know and they’re perfect for each other. But as for Valerie being my mother – I mean, my mother – it doesn’t seem real, even though I heard the words from her own mouth. To me she’s just Valerie. My mother is someone entirely different, some unknown woman whose face I could never quite conjure up.’
‘You don’t hate her, then?’
I loathe the word hate. I loathe it because I did for many years hate my mother. I hated her for leaving me motherless. For making me the odd one out. When other kids’ parents divorced, at least they had two parents. It was Dad who did my hair and learned to paint my nails so I could be like the other girls. This six-foot-four giant of a man would often spend his Saturday mornings fussing with a five-year-old’s hair, co-ordinating sparkly scrunchies with cute little dresses, before I went off on a play date. He was my father and my mother. And he always will be, no one can take that away from him. And that’s why Tollie and Grandma honoured his decision that I didn’t need to know the truth.
As for Valerie, well, I had started to see her as a friend. Now there is no easy slot for her to slide into, because three people took care of me during my formative years and she wasn’t one of them.
‘No. I don’t hate her, but…’
‘You can’t change the past.’
I nod once more, unable to speak, but so relieved that Gray can understand exactly what I’m feeling.
‘I like Valerie. She’s a kind, thoughtful woman and I believe what she told you is the truth. The past only hurts if you can’t move on. Maybe the best way to deal with it, Immi, is to judge her only on what she’s done since your paths have crossed and what happens from here on in.’
It’s a moment of complete clarity. I’ve been fretting over what to do, worrying about her expectations of me and how I should react. And Gray, just like that, has put it all into perspective.
‘It’s one day at a time, Immi. And I’m here to help you through it.’
Gray drifts off into a deep sleep and I’m left alone with my thoughts. I think about the envelope Valerie left on the coffee table and the tears I shed when I eventually got up the courage to open it. Inside was a photograph, just the one. It was a young Valerie cradling her baby daughter in her arms and on the back she’d written ‘my darling Immi’.
Gray
29
Happiness Is Learning When to Forgive
When I admitted to Mum at the airport that I wasn’t ready to meet my father, the reaction I received was typically her.
‘I’d come to the same conclusion, my son. I’ve been sitting here trying to find the right words. I didn’t want you to think I was downplaying how important this trip is for us all, whatever the outcome. It’s something that should have been addressed a long time ago and as parents we failed you, Gray. But there’s a time and a place for everything and now simply isn’t it. Your focus should be firmly on Immi and nothing else, at this time. So, first things, first. Don’t worry about me. I’m a survivor and I’ve proved th
at. You kept me going through one of the toughest times in my life and both you and Immi put your future on hold for me. Gray, I feel truly blessed to have you as my son. Head back to Aysbury and see in the new year with your arms wrapped around my soon-to-be daughter-in-law, because nothing would make me happier.’
The look we exchanged was one of acceptance and I knew she’d be fine.
Immi is a survivor too, she’s had to be, but she doesn’t know when to stop battling. Or, when to let other people do things for her, for a change.
After Valerie’s revelation, Immi continued to struggle to make sense of a past that had come out of the blue. Casting around for ideas to help, I asked Bernie to come to The Retreat, to have a heart-to-heart chat with Immi. She needed to talk to someone who at least had some knowledge of what had happened.
He explained how Tollie had vowed to honour his son’s wishes and there was no way he would ever have broken that promise. I was pretty sure Immi would understand that. He single-handedly supported her during some very dark years, when she was angry and grieving the loss of two people who were most important in her life. For her it was a double blow served within just a few short years. But, somehow, Tollie pulled her through it all.
As for Immi’s dad, well, even though he knew that Valerie was within walking distance, apparently his feet never trod that path. He had left it to Nell to make it clear to Valerie that she had to keep her distance. Too many years had gone by and Bernie told Immi that he often wondered whether her dad ended up leading the sort of life he always wanted. Free to be married to his work and have as his best friend and the focus of his life his wonderful, intelligent and capable daughter. Sometimes things happen for a reason, but it’s only with hindsight it becomes apparent.
Immi admitted to me that she regretted the day she decided to stop asking her dad questions about her mother, for fear of hurting him. In hindsight, she wondered if that was why he made his decision not to hear Valerie’s side of the story. But we talked it through, late one night, and agreed that it probably wouldn’t have changed a thing. It was time to let it all go.
‘Are you nearly ready?’
Tollie is looking very smart in his best suit, a white shirt and a badly tied dress tie.
‘Um… I need a bit of help here, Gray. Immi normally does the honours. She has more patience than me.’ He gazes at his reflection in the mirror, a deep frown puckering his forehead. ‘It’s been a few years since I’ve worn this tie, but the suit does me every time there’s a weddin’.’
‘And very fine you look, too. The plan is that Immi will jump in the taxi I ordered and head to the hotel at seven-thirty. Telling her that Kurt needed a hand in the cellar as an emergency made her roll her eyes a little, but you know what she’s like. I told her he had a problem with his barrels. She looked at me blankly and I must have looked convincing, because she just shrugged and said, “Good luck with that,” and I assured her I wouldn’t be far behind. She thinks I’m walking Valerie down to join everyone at The Bullrush Inn and then heading over for our romantic dinner for two.’
Tollie shakes his head, giving a chuckle. ‘That’s my girl. Never moans if someone needs a hand, no matter how inconvenient it might be.’
I finish adjusting his tie and he checks himself out again; this time there’s a twinkle in his eye.
‘Takes me back a few years, to be sure, but it comes up a treat every time.’
‘We need to get off a bit sharpish, just in case Immi decides to pop over to check on you before she slips into a relaxing bubble bath. If you’re not here, she’ll assume you left early, to help up at The Bullrush.’
Tollie looks a little uncertain. ‘This is the right thing to do, Gray, isn’t it? It won’t be too much for her?’
‘It’ll be fine. She’s trying to figure out how to deal with it all and not upset anyone.’
‘Even I had my doubts about keepin’ the truth from her, but my Sean did a grand job bringing Immi up and we respected his wishes. My darlin’ Nell said that we should honour his decision, no matter what, and that’s what I did.’ He pauses for a moment, his face clouding over. ‘Immi wouldn’t have welcomed Valerie back just like that, and it would have ended badly. Instead, they reached out to each other in a way none of us expected. Deep down there was a link neither could ignore, but it happened naturally – it wasn’t forced. And now I can relax, because I know it was the right decision after all.’
I place a hand very firmly on Tollie’s shoulder.
‘All Immi needs now is for us to act normally. She’ll take it in her stride. Trust me.’
His hesitation is momentary and then he looks me firmly in the eye.
‘I do, Gray, I trust you with my girl and that says it all.’
I don’t know who is more nervous as we sit waiting for Immi to appear – me, Tollie or Valerie.
‘When Immi arrives we are going to welcome her, ignoring the look of surprise on her face. Give her a hug and then sit back down, ready to enjoy a nice celebratory dinner to welcome in a new year.’
I’m talking to them both as if I’m the elder here, but I can’t risk either of them bailing out now. This feels like the final hurdle, as we gather together as a family. In my heart I know it’s what Immi longs to happen, but we’re all treading carefully for fear of hurting her.
The moment Immi steps in through the door, I’m the first to look up and catch her eye – that gleam as she smiles back at me makes my heart leap in my chest. I rise up out of my chair and walk towards her.
Already her gaze is moving on over my shoulder and there’s a moment of hesitation – then she straightens her back and walks forward with a smile fit to light up the entire room. It doesn’t just come from her eyes, but from deep inside her.
‘Tollie, Valerie – what a wonderful surprise!’
And the worst bit is over. For us all. Immi included.
Valerie and Immi will work out how their relationship is going to develop as they move forwards. They’ve made a good start and the bond they’ve formed over the last couple of months is real, based on nothing other than a genuine regard for each other. Anything that is born out of respect can only grow.
Valerie didn’t step outside her door for a couple of days after her talk with Immi and we didn’t quite know what to do about it. Then, one evening, Immi stood up and said she was going to see Fisher. The two of them spent an entire evening talking and I have no idea what was said, but the next day when we called into The Bullrush, Fisher and Valerie were sitting together at one of the tables.
I froze, but Immi whispered in my ear that everything was fine and, although we didn’t go over to join them, she seemed content. There has been an awkwardness, though, which I suppose is only natural, so getting together to celebrate the new year is important. From here on in, we all need to look forward and not back.
We have a pleasant meal and spend a lot of the evening talking about the upcoming wedding. My suggestion of a wild west theme had them all falling about laughing when I described bales of hay for the guests to sit on. Valerie, I notice, took her lead from everyone else, but engaged in the conversation with a graceful ease.
There’s a lot of Valerie in Immi; things I hadn’t noticed, or connected, before because why would I? Especially that very private side that no one really gets to see, and which only appears whenever Immi and I are alone together.
‘Fisher wondered whether a wedding cruise would be a fun thing,’ Valerie throws in, as we languish over coffee and the last of the wine.
Immi’s eyes immediately light up. As I sit back, watching the three of them looking relaxed and at ease, the interaction is lively, happy and full of light-hearted banter.
‘Nice as it sounds, it won’t work,’ Tollie remarks, shaking his head. ‘Even looking at the minimum numbers likely to be there, The Star Gazer just wouldn’t be big enough.’
‘It’s a shame because it’s a great idea,’ I add.
‘But what if you had the ceremony onboard? Fl
oating down the river, with the vicar officiating. No more than twenty people in attendance, with something Gray has composed playing in the background. Maybe, stopping by the bridge across to the marina as you say your vows. I’m sure we could arrange that. If people happened to be standing on the bridge, they’d have a wonderful view of the service. Then, afterwards, maybe a marquee in one of the fields behind The Bullrush?’
All eyes are on Valerie, whose words came out in a rush of excitement and now she’s sitting there, hesitantly.
‘That sounds perfect,’ Immi replies, giving her a genuine smile. ‘What do you think, guys?’
Both Tollie and I look at each other.
‘Wonderful.’
‘Amazin’ idea.’
‘We have a plan, then,’ I say, raising my glass. ‘Immi, I think this calls for a little speech. Over to you.’
I almost spill the wine when Immi’s foot suddenly finds mine beneath the table. As I look across at her, what I see is an amazing woman, who never fails to surprise or delight me.
‘Sometimes the Christmas you get isn’t quite the one you expect. As it turned out, we had the perfect Christmas and an even more perfect New Year’s Eve.
‘So, here’s to a truly wonderful year ahead, full of happiness and laughter, shared with family and friends. It’s time to count our blessings and make those dreams come true. Life doesn’t get any better than this, does it?’
As our glasses chink together, Immi’s eyes are twinkling, and she turns her head to gaze at me. Leaning in, she whispers: ‘Thank you, my darling Gray.’
I feel that my heart is about to burst. It’s the look of love that I see reflected in her eyes and a man can’t ask for any more than that. The past is now just the past and a bright, new future beckons for all of us, born out of forgiveness and love.
Acknowledgments
The launch of a new title is always a thrill and, for me, doubly so when it’s a story that involves Christmas.
