Hold Me Until Forever

by Christina Phillips

  Alex stirred. He was spooning a familiar, warm body, and for a few blissful moments he simply enjoyed the sensation. Don’t remember going to the club. The thought slid through his mind, barely coherent, weaving into remnants of dreams where nothing ugly lurked in dark corners.

  His dick thickened, and he nuzzled the back of Ella’s neck. She smelled gorgeous. Disjointed images flashed across his mind, shredding the sense of peace that lapped through him.

  We’re not at the club. The last fragment of sleep vanished, and an icy chill invaded his chest. What have I done?

  He didn’t want to move. He wanted to stay like this forever, with her wrapped in his arms. But with every second the sense of dread deepened until finally he eased back from her.

  Early morning light spilled through the window. It was enough to see the damage he’d caused. Her neck and breasts bore the marks of his savagery.

  His chest tightened and gut knotted. I did this to her. Without even knowing it. How badly had he hurt her? Why couldn’t I stop?

  He sat on the edge of the bed and gripped his thighs. I should never have come here. Yesterday they’d been like a regular couple, and he’d all but forgotten the darkness that haunted him, and the fear that crippled him. He’d deluded himself that he could do this—could have some kind of normal relationship with her, the one woman he’d ever imagined having a future with.

  But the minute he had her outside his club he’d proved what a lousy piece of shit he really was. Yeah, she was safe in Excalibur and he should’ve damn well remembered that. Because when he lowered his defenses, he lost control.

  Bad blood will out. How often had he heard that in the past? He was his father’s son all right. He should never have dragged Ella into his world. And even though he’d always known it, he’d wanted her too much for too long.

  I’ll always want her. And the longer they were together the more he risked her safety.

  Her life. Nausea rolled through him and he hunched his shoulders against the terrifying vision. I’d never hurt her. He’d rather slit his own throat than hurt her.

  Too late, asshole. Dark memories of the previous night slithered through his mind. He’d taken, without any conscious thought. It had been primal and raw and so fucking good he hated himself.

  It didn’t matter that he’d been tied up in knots over his nightmare. She’d offered comfort and he’d lost it. If he couldn’t control himself at all times when he was with her, then nothing he wanted mattered. He wouldn’t put her in danger.

  I have to let her go.

  Ella stretched. Hazy memories flickered through her mind, and she smiled as she pressed the tips of her fingers against her tender neck.

  No more pretending. She and Alex were together. And more than that. He needed her.

  Still smiling, she opened her eyes. He was standing next to the bed looking down at her. Why’s he dressed?

  She blinked the sleep from her eyes. His face came into focus. And he wasn’t smiling back at her. He looked as though he was coming down with the flu or something.

  “Alex?” She needed a coffee, her throat was so dry. “You okay?”

  He swallowed and stepped back. “I’m sorry.” The words were harsh and she frowned. What’s his problem? His gaze drifted to her throat and his jaw clenched. “Last night should never have happened.”

  Her warm and fuzzies died a brutal death. She clutched the sheet to her breasts and pushed herself upright. “What?” He couldn’t mean what she thought he did. That was just crazy after the amazing day they’d had. She wasn’t properly awake yet. “Yes, it should. What’re you talking about?”

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated, and the agonized look in his eyes just about tore out her heart. “I should never have followed you here.”

  Her stomach pitched. She gripped the sheet tighter and refused to let her panic show on her face. “Well, you did follow me. And I’m glad you did. So where’s the problem?”

  “I can’t do it. You’re right. It’s over.”

  He turned and walked to the door. For a second she stared at him as disbelief hammered through her. You’re leaving?

  “Alex.” She didn’t recognize her own voice. “Sit the fuck down and talk to me.”

  He paused, gripping the door handle. “There’s nothing to talk about.” His voice was hollow and he didn’t turn around.

  She shuffled off the bed and the sheet tangled around her feet as she stumbled after him. “Don’t give me that bullshit.” She grabbed his arm and tugged. “You drove through a storm to make sure I was okay, and we had a great day together yesterday. And now you’re telling me it’s over? What happened? What’s changed?”

  Slowly he turned round. His gaze raked over her face and shoulders. Whatever he saw clearly didn’t improve anything. “I can’t trust myself to be with you.”

  The panic notched up, gripping her chest. “What the hell are you talking about? That doesn’t make any sense. If you just wanted to finish things between us that’s different. But you don’t. You can’t. Not after last night.”

  He actually winced, as though she’d just punched him in the gut. “Last night’s why I can’t trust myself with you. I can’t risk it. I can’t risk you.”

  I don’t understand. She tightened her grasp on his arm, as if that might somehow make everything all right. “You’re not risking anything with me.” Did that even make sense? She had no idea. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you.”

  He swung around, tearing himself from her grasp. “Look what I did to you.” Self-disgust dripped from each word. “I hurt you. I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “You didn’t hurt…” Her voice trailed away as once again he glanced at her neck. Heat shot through her. Is he serious? “Jesus, Alex. You gave me a couple of hickeys. Have you forgotten all the times you’ve spanked my ass?”

  “That’s different. That was consensual. We both knew what we wanted.”

  She wrapped her arms around her waist in a futile effort to slow her racing heart. He’s really serious. He was freaking out because they’d had spontaneous sex.

  “I wanted it last night.”

  But did you want it as well? She couldn’t answer that. Didn’t want to. How can he regret what we did?

  “Don’t you understand?” He flung the words at her and she flinched. He never snaps like that. “I was out of control. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

  And finally, like a great slap across her face, she understood. “Alex.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “It’s all right. I know you’d never hurt me. You don’t have to be in control all the time.”

  He looked down at his fisted hands and slowly unclenched his fingers. “I couldn’t live with myself if I broke you.”

  “I’m not going to break.” She wanted to pull him into her arms but tension crackled in the air, as though everything might shatter if she made the wrong move. “Hey, I’m tougher than I look. You know that.”

  He looked up at her again but she had the eeriest sensation he didn’t see her at all. “I wanted us to work. But I’m too fucked up. I’d only screw up your life the way I screw up everyone’s.”

  He doesn’t want to break up with me. But he was going to, because he was still eaten up with guilt over what had happened with his useless piece of shit father.

  She took a deep breath. Stay calm. She had to make him see there was no connection between then and now.

  “You haven’t screwed up anyone’s life.”

  He made a sound of disgust and angled away from her. He wasn’t storming out of the room yet but she had the horrible feeling it wouldn’t be long.

  No time for being subtle or prancing around the issue. “You saved Cooper’s life that night. You know that, right? And how do you know he wouldn’t have finished J off afterward?”

  He gritted his teeth. Her heart ached for all the pain he’d carried during the last twelve years. “I killed my own father, Ella. With my bare hands. Fucking killed him without a s
econd thought.”

  Is that what the nightmare was about? Even from beyond the grave his father was still poisoning Alex’s life.

  “You did it to save your brothers.” She could hear the desperation in her voice. Was she getting through to him? “It wasn’t some random act. It was self-defense. You were proved innocent.”

  “Of course I’m not innocent.” He rounded on her, eyes dark and blazing with suppressed fury, but he didn’t scare her. He could never scare her. “He’s dead because of me. I can’t be with anyone—I can’t be with you—not when I’m capable of doing something like that.”

  Hatred for his father bubbled deep in her gut. The Grayson boys had rarely talked about their dad when they were all growing up together. Before he died he was something to be avoided and afterward…well, then it was a taboo subject.

  But now she wanted to thrash it all out with him. Shake some sense into him. Because how could he be willing to give up what they had between them because of the past?

  “It was a one time thing. You’re not like that at all. That bastard deserved everything he got.”

  “Don’t say that.” He flung the words at her.

  “I will say it.” She glared right back at him. “He was an abusive son-of-a-bitch and everyone in the street knew it. But you were the only one who stood up to him.”

  A stricken look flashed across his face. “I heard Coop’s scream halfway down the street. When I got to the house I thought he was dead. The blood…” He shuddered, a haunted expression in his eyes. “Next thing I knew the cops were hauling me off my dad.”

  Tears choked her throat. Don’t fall apart now. “Even the cops were on your side. You can’t let what happened with your dad ruin the rest of your life. You’ve paid for what you did.” He paid every single second of every single day. She’d known him all her life, but she’d never really guessed just how deep his guilt ran. “It’s over. You’ve got to let it go.”

  He didn’t move, but his familiar mask slowly replaced the desolation on his face. I’m losing him. Why couldn’t he work through it? Why couldn’t she find the right words?

  I won’t let that sadistic deadbeat win. Old man Grayson was dead. He needed to stay dead, and Alex’s self-loathing was keeping his father alive.

  She took a step toward him. It was hard to be fierce when all she was wearing was a bed sheet, but she didn’t need any kind of mask to face the world anymore. And neither did he.

  “He was nothing.” Her voice shook. “I saw the way he treated all of you.” Especially Cooper. “You did him a favor. If they’d locked him up, his life would’ve been a living hell.”

  The mask cracked. I’m getting through to him. “You’re nothing like him. It’s not just in your club I trust you. I know you’d never do anything like that again, because you only did it to protect the people you loved.”

  He might not love her. Or maybe he did. It didn’t matter. He cared about her, probably more than even he knew, and for now that was enough.

  “I hated him.” His voice was flat. “Hated what he did to Mom and my brothers.” Finally he looked at her, and the bleak expression in his eyes sent shivers over her arms. “I lied, Ella. To the cops. The judge. Everyone. It wasn’t true that I’d never wanted him dead. I used to lie awake in bed at night thinking how much better we’d all be if he was.”

  It wasn’t really that much of a revelation. As kids, Cooper had confided more than once he wished their dad would just take off and never come back. That’s almost like wishing he was dead, right? “Well, you sure weren’t the only one who thought that. Who cares if you lied? It doesn’t matter.”

  “He never hit me.”

  She frowned, not sure she understood. “What?”

  “My dad. He never hit me the way he did J and Coop.”

  He didn’t? She had no idea what to say to that. “Um…”

  “He’d talk to me. When he was sober.”

  This conversation had taken a weirdly unexpected turn. She hunched her shoulders and tried to think of something to say, but came up blank. “Uh…”

  “I knew what a bastard he was. Always did. That’s why I hated him. But…” He expelled a tortured breath between clenched teeth. “The truth is I loved him. And despised myself for it.”

  The world slid sideways. She gaped at him, speechless. All these years and it had never once crossed her mind that he’d loved his dad.

  Jesus. No wonder he was so screwed up. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it.

  His laugh was bitter. “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re right. I’m a crazy bastard, just like he was. What the hell do I know about love? It’s just some twisted mind fuck, that’s all.”

  Move, damn it. Tell him…tell him something. Anything. “You’re not crazy.” Her voice was hoarse. “We can’t help who we love.” Oh great, was now really the time for a cheesy cliché?

  For a few agonized seconds he stared at her. Then he reached out, as though he was going to cradle her face, but his hand stopped just short of touching her. “You’re everything to me.” His voice was low, and instead of his words filling her with joy, a terrible dread invaded her heart. “If I can’t trust myself with you…” He fisted his hand and grazed his knuckles along her jaw in a chilling gesture of finality.

  No.

  She clutched his fist. “You’re not doing this. I won’t let you.”

  He unhooked her fingers and then held her hand as though he never wanted to let her go. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

  Fuck that. “I trust you. Why won’t you trust yourself?”

  He didn’t answer her. He didn’t have to, because the look in his eyes said it all. I don’t trust anyone.

  Her hand slid free, and he walked out of her life.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Alex leaned back in his chair and stared at his office ceiling. It was Sunday night, he’d finally caught up with all his backlogged work, and there was no reason for him to still be delaying going home.

  Except there was nothing worth going home for.

  Crazy bastard. Ella had never been at his home during the few short weeks they’d been together, but for some reason his mind kept connecting the two.

  Yeah, keep connecting, asshole. It was never going to happen. He’d walked out on her nearly three weeks ago and she hadn’t tried to get in touch.

  Did I really think she would?

  No. Not now that she knew the sick truth about him. Some days he could barely stomach seeing his own face in the mirror. No way would she want to see him again.

  Not that he’d given her the choice. He picked up his cell and stared at the photo he’d taken of her at the waterfall. She looked so carefree and happy. Gorgeous. The best day of his life.

  He locked up the office, but not without his usual glance at the bare wall where the Bengal tiger used to be. Before she’d left Grayson’s he’d hardly noticed the damn poster at all, but now it seemed to haunt him by its absence. Get real. It wasn’t the poster that haunted him.

  Jesus, how much longer was he going to miss seeing her face and hearing her caustic comebacks when he stepped over the line?

  The Christmas lights flashing in the store across the street was an unwelcome reminder of the looming festive season. Five days until Christmas Eve, and the big family get together at his gran’s.

  Usually they all met up there on the day itself. But this year everything was different. It would just be him and his gran.

  I hope she doesn’t invite Ella and her mom.

  Liar.

  He stamped toward his car. A filthy backpack was slung against the wall of the lot and he almost ignored it except something snagged his attention. Frowning, he went closer. The bag moved.

  “Fuck.” He reeled back. Is there a baby in there? It was a horrifying thought. He crouched down, opened the backpack and peered inside.

  It wasn’t a baby. It was a cat and three kittens.

  He let out a relieved sigh, and then the r
eality hit him.

  It was a cat and three kittens. “Ah, shit.” He eyed them as a familiar knot of unease tightened his chest. I need to get Ella. She’d know what to do.

  Except he couldn’t call her. Not anymore.

  He glanced around the deserted lot, more from desperation than the faint hope anyone else might be willing to help out. What the hell was he supposed to do with them?

  Gritting his teeth, he picked up the backpack, and holding it at arm’s length, marched toward his car. Once inside he pulled out his cell and searched for the nearest 24-hour emergency vet. Luckily it wasn’t too far away.

  “We don’t take in abandoned animals.” The young woman behind the desk at the vet’s offered him a sympathetic smile. “You could try the local shelter.”

  He eyed the backpack on the desk between them. So far he’d managed to avoid having a good look at the animals, but the pathetic little cries that escaped were starting to freak him out. “Can the vet just check them over? Make sure they’re okay? I’ll foot the bill.”

  Her smile became strained. “Sir, if you’re taking them to the shelter there’s not really much point the vet having a look at them.”

  It took a couple of seconds for her meaning to penetrate his brain. “But they’re kittens.” It was almost Christmas. It wouldn’t be that hard to find them new homes.

  “They’re newborns. They can’t leave their mother yet.”

  He flexed his fingers. This was insane. “I’m not taking them somewhere just to be put down.”

  “I can give you the address of a no kill shelter, but I can’t guarantee they’ll have room.”

  Against his better judgment he edged closer to the desk so he could look inside the backpack. Three tiny furry bodies huddled against their mother, who looked as though she needed a damn good feed.

  He knew nothing about animals. Didn’t want to know. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to be responsible for their death.

  “I’ll keep them. Now can I see the vet?”

  Three days later Alex dumped a roll of aviary wire in his small backyard before he surveyed the timber framed structure he’d spent way too many hours trying to erect over the last couple of evenings. Building a cat enclosure was hard work, but if Cooper could manage it then he sure as hell could, too.