Hold Me Until Forever

by Christina Phillips

  Should’ve just bought one off the Internet. That was the sane option. But in some masochistic way, trying to figure this out had been oddly satisfying.

  At least it kept him from thinking about Ella.

  The hell it did.

  He shoved that thought to the back of his mind and frowned at his laptop, where images of cat enclosures covered the screen.

  By comparison, his effort looked like it’d been thrown together by someone on crack.

  Someone hammered on the front door. He knew it wasn’t her, but that didn’t stop his damn heart thudding against his ribs. Or the stab of disappointment when it turned out to be Cooper and Jackson.

  “Hey.” Cooper’s usual grin froze and he frowned. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” He stepped back so his brothers could follow him inside. “I didn’t know you were back in L.A.,” he said to Coop. “Thought you were flying in tomorrow.”

  “Nah, it was always today.” There was a note of curiosity in Cooper’s voice. I never forget dates. What was the matter with him?

  “We were supposed to be meeting in Murphy’s,” J said. “You didn’t answer your cell.”

  He grunted. He’d completely forgotten. “Got shit on my mind.” AKA three kittens and one cat and the fact I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

  Cooper stopped dead in the middle of the living room, his attention focused on a cardboard box in the corner. “Cats?”

  “Some asshole dumped them outside the office.” He’d managed to transfer the furry bundles from the backpack into the box. According to the vet that was just as good as an expensive cat bed.

  Coop stared at him as though he’d just sprouted snakes from his mouth. “You’re looking after them for Ella?”

  He didn’t want to talk about her. Not with his brother, who knew her better than anyone. Did she tell him about us? “No.”

  “You never said anything about finding cats.” Jackson peered into the box. “Christ, they’re tiny.”

  Cooper crouched and plucked up one of the kittens. “You don’t know anything about cats.”

  Talk about pointing out the obvious. But for some reason his brother’s remark rubbed him up the wrong way. “They’re cats. It’s not rocket science.”

  “Guess Ella’s keeping a close eye so you don’t screw up.” Cooper appeared to find that amusing. He rubbed the kitten’s head with his finger before placing it back in the box.

  Don’t say it. He couldn’t stop himself. “Have you seen her today?”

  “Yeah. She’s really loving her new job. Paris is with her and Scarlett now.”

  What hope did he have of ever getting over her when she was so much a part of their family?

  I’ve never had a hope of getting over her. He’d just have to make sure his mask never slipped in her company. The thought killed him. Until now she was one of the few people he’d never had to bother putting up a front for. Now he’d need to keep his distance just so he could function.

  That’s what sex does. Ruined the best thing he’d ever had in his life.

  “What about you?” J gave him a weird look. “Do you see much of her now?”

  “No.” He folded his arms. His brothers stared at him. Shit. He’d gone into a classic defensive stance without even thinking. “Why would I?”

  His brothers glanced at each other, and it totally pissed him off. Come to think of it, they’d often done that in the past whenever Ella’s name was mentioned.

  “No reason.” Jackson shrugged and prowled around the room. “Thought you might miss her, that’s all.”

  He wasn’t having this conversation. “We going to Murphy’s then?” Not that he wanted to. He had a cat enclosure to finish.

  “Got any beer?” J glanced over his shoulder. “We can crash here for the night.”

  “Your wife might have something to say about that.” He still couldn’t believe his younger brother was married. It was just too…normal.

  “Scarlett’s not expecting me back tonight. She’s having a sleepover.” Jackson grinned as though that was a great joke.

  “With Paris and Ella,” Cooper added. “We were always going to crash here after Murphy’s. Thought you knew that.”

  With anyone else he’d just flip the mask on but the truth was he was too tired to pretend he knew what they were talking about. “I don’t remember discussing that.”

  “It’s nearly Christmas, you miserable bastard.” Jackson punched his arm. “We’re here to cheer you up.”

  “I don’t need cheering up.” He eyed his brother. If he didn’t know better he’d think he was high on something. The thought of spending all night in the company of his loved-up brothers was horrifyingly depressing. “I’m busy.”

  Five hours later he sprawled on the sofa, beer bottle in hand and half wrecked. Jackson, the lightweight, was half asleep. He had the feeling it wouldn’t be long until he joined his brother.

  “You want another?” Cooper tipped his bottle in his direction.

  “Nah, I’m good.” Any more and he’d be totally wasted. It’d been years since he’d drunk this much. When he came out of juvie it’d been one of the things he’d dumped. Hard to stay in control when alcohol flooded your thought processes.

  Cooper rocked his bottle on his knee. There was something different about his brother, but he couldn’t nail it down. He raked his gaze over the empty bottles littering the floor and then it came to him.

  “You sick?” He pushed himself upright and frowned. “You’re still on your first beer.”

  “Second.” Cooper shot him a grin. “Surprised you noticed. I’m cutting back.”

  He tried to make sense of the words. “Cutting back?” What the hell was he talking about? Cooper had always enjoyed a drink but he knew when to stop.

  His brother shrugged. “Guess I don’t need it anymore. Paris is fine when I drink but I don’t like to, knowing what she’s been through. I don’t miss it.”

  He racked his brains but everything was blurry. Had Paris once had a drinking problem? It didn’t ring any bells. He’d have to ask Ella.

  I can’t ask her anything.

  “Good,” he growled into the neck of his bottle.

  “Remember that time you caught me with one of Dad’s beers and forced me to drink the whole damn lot?”

  He choked in the middle of swallowing. He and his brothers never talked about their father. And Cooper had just causally tossed him into the conversation as though there was nothing fucked up about it.

  “Uh.” He trawled through his memories. “Thought it’d teach you a lesson.”

  “I puked all night.” His brother sounded disturbingly cheerful. “Didn’t touch another drop for four years.”

  When I hauled our dad off you and beat the crap out of him.

  He sure as hell wasn’t going to bring that night up. “Probably not one of my best ideas. You were only eight.”

  “You weren’t much older.”

  He frowned. That wasn’t right. He was the eldest brother and responsible for the younger two. Look out for Coop, Alex. He’s only a baby. Even after all these years he could hear his mom’s voice as they watched Cooper toddle across the kitchen.

  Except his brother was right. He was only four years older. Why did he sometimes feel so ancient when he compared himself to Cooper?

  “Lucky for you our gran turned up when she did.” Shit, why had he said that? The only reason their gran had moved in with them was because their dad died. He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes in the faint hope his brother would get the hint to shut up.

  Then again, when did Cooper ever get a hint?

  “No.” There was an odd tone in his brother’s voice, and with reluctance, Alex opened one eye. For once Cooper looked serious. “Lucky for me you were there that night.”

  There was no need to spell out what night he meant. Were they seriously having this conversation after all these years? He wasn’t ready for it. He’d never be ready for it.
Truth was, he couldn’t believe his brother was, either.

  He made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat and closed his eye again. Except his damn eyes wouldn’t stay closed. Cooper was leaning forward, forearms on his thighs, a brooding expression on his face. What the hell had brought this on?

  “I always blamed myself for screwing up your life.”

  Whatever he’d expected his brother to say, it sure as shit hadn’t been that. “The fuck?” was all he managed. He had no idea what Cooper was on about.

  “You ending up in juvie.” Cooper shot him a look before once again focusing on the floor. “Blamed myself for years. But it wasn’t my fault. It was his. It was always him. None of us did anything wrong that night.”

  Speechless he stared at his brother. He had blamed himself? That had never crossed his mind. He’d always been too eaten up with guilt that he was the one to blame.

  That’s because I am.

  “You know that, right?” There was an intense look on Cooper’s face. A shudder inched over his arms. It wasn’t right, his brother being so…

  What was the word he was looking for? Adult? Responsible? Perceptive?

  “I had to get him off you.” All that blood. Would he ever be able to scrub that image from his mind? “I didn’t mean to—” He snapped his jaw shut. I didn’t mean to kill him.

  But the dark part deep inside him had wanted to. When he’d seen his father using Cooper as a punch bag, something had snapped. His mom’s voice had filled his head. He’s only a baby. And his mom wasn’t around anymore to protect her baby.

  “Thing is…” Cooper focused on tapping his bottle against the inside of his knee. “I was really fucked up before I met Paris. She helped straighten me out.” He glanced up at Jackson. “Same way Scarlett sorted J out.”

  His gaze slid to Jackson who was no longer semiconscious, but watching him as though he and Cooper had set this up between them. Another eerie shudder caused the hair on the back of his neck to rise. What the hell am I thinking?

  “That just leaves you.” Jackson gave a faint smile. They did set this up between them.

  Shock left him speechless for the second time in five minutes.

  “You need to move on from that night,” Cooper said, not sounding like his kid brother at all. “Same way Jackson and me have.”

  This was all wrong. He’d spent the last twelve years looking out for his brothers, trying to make up for what’d happened that night. And now they were telling him he had to move on?

  You’ve got to let it go. Ella’s voice haunted him.

  He’d never been able to. But it seemed like his brothers had finally found a way to leave their past behind them.

  Why can’t I? For a brief second hope flared that maybe he, too, could find his peace with Ella by his side.

  Until the truth came crashing back down.

  He’d pushed her away. Because he couldn’t give her the one thing she deserved. The one thing he’d buried so deep, so many years ago, that he was no longer sure he even had any more.

  His trust.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ella took a deep breath before she rapped her knuckles on Jackson’s front door. This is a bad idea. She should’ve said she was busy when Scarlett had called her the other day and invited her to a girls’ sleepover with her and Paris. The problem was, Scarlett had just assumed she’d want to hang out with them. Like she was part of the family.

  And she did want to hang out with them. Against all odds, over the last few months they’d become good friends, and although they didn’t see each other much, they often skyped. They were like the sisters she’d never had, even though one was the daughter of a billionaire and the other a Hollywood star.

  Except she wasn’t part of the family, and any crazy dreams she’d had a few weeks ago about one day really joining the family had now been well and truly ground into the mud.

  Scarlett opened the door and welcomed her inside. Funny how she and J had decided to live in his house, rather than hers. “I’m so pleased you could make it,” she said. “Paris is already here.”

  Ella went into the living room. They might’ve moved into J’s place, but Scarlett’s touch was everywhere. His basic DIY furniture was gone, replaced with classy designer stuff that probably cost as much as the entire house itself.

  Paris was sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by gift bags from exclusive beauty salons. The closest Ella had ever been to those kinds of products was reading their ads in celebrity magazines.

  Paris grinned up at her. “Ready for a night of girlie pampering?”

  They sorted through all the beauty products Paris had brought with her, and gossiped about the latest Hollywood scandals. Ella didn’t know if Scarlett was into that kind of thing or not, but she loved it.

  “So you’re spending Christmas Day with your mom?” she asked Paris, who pulled a face and sighed.

  “Yeah. Cooper’s convinced she’s going to announce she and Anson are engaged. Ugh. Hello, stepfather.”

  She didn’t know why Paris was so weird when it came to Anson. Maybe it was because he’d once been her bodyguard before he’d started dating her mom?

  “Are you going to Gran’s tomorrow evening?” Scarlett glanced at her.

  “Afraid not. I’m working.” That she was only working until midafternoon was beside the point. A Grayson family get together was the last thing she wanted to suffer through right now.

  “Oh, that’s a shame,” Scarlett frowned in sympathy. “But I guess that means you get Christmas Day off?”

  She gave a fake sigh. “Not this year.” She made it sound as though she’d pulled the short straw, when she’d actually volunteered to work that day, which made her very popular with her coworkers. The truth was she couldn’t face being at home all day. Not when Alice Flanagan inviting her and her mom over in the afternoon was a real possibility.

  When the probability was high that Alex would be there.

  She’d have to face him sooner or later. So long as it wasn’t just yet. The thought of having to pretend everything was fine and that he hadn’t smashed her heart into a million tiny pieces three weeks ago made her feel physically sick.

  Two hours later, slathered in exotic oils and face masques, Ella stretched her legs out along the floor and leaned back against the sofa. “I’d love to see J and Coop’s faces if they could see you both now.”

  “Oh,” Paris said, way too innocently. “Didn’t he tell you? We had a couple’s spa day the other week. Full body massage and face masques for the both of us. He looks real cute with cucumber on his eyes.”

  She choked on her drink, and Scarlett made a very un-Scarlett-like snorting sound. “I can’t see Jackson agreeing to do that,” Scarlett said.

  “Sure he would if you asked him,” Paris said. “Now I can’t see Alex doing anything like that, no matter who asked him.”

  I don’t want to talk about Alex. Somehow she managed to keep a smile on her face, since the other two clearly found it funny and she didn’t want them asking questions.

  “Is he seeing anyone special?” Scarlett glanced between them. Paris shrugged and looked at her expectantly. Since not saying anything would look too suspicious, she gave what she hoped was an uncaring shrug.

  “Not as far as I know. Alex doesn’t do serious.” But he could, if he could just trust himself…

  Stop it. She’d drive herself crazy if she kept running round in circles like that.

  “What about you?” Paris hugged her knees. “Got a secret lover you’re not telling us about?”

  It wasn’t the first time Paris had asked about her love life. For a moment she was tempted to laugh it off, the way she’d done before. Except her heart hurt and she was so tired of pretending everything was fine.

  Don’t say it. “There was someone. It didn’t work out.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” Scarlett squeezed her hand.

  “It wasn’t serious, was it?” There was no laughter in Paris’ voic
e now.

  Just say no. “Yeah, it was.” Fuck it. Why had she admitted that?

  “Well, shit.” Paris frowned. “Don’t tell us he ended things?”

  She tried to hide behind one of her smiles, but couldn’t manage it. “He didn’t think it could work between us.”

  “What a bastard.” Paris sounded outraged. “I hope you tore him a new one.”

  “It’s not like that.” She couldn’t meet their sympathetic gazes. What would they say if they knew it was Alex? “He didn’t want to hurt me.”

  “You’ll find someone else,” Scarlett said. “Someone who really deserves you.”

  “That’s right.” Paris hugged her knees tighter. “You don’t need a loser like him.”

  In the past when things hadn’t worked out with a guy, she’d always gotten drunk with a couple of friends, and they’d spend the night coming up with inventive methods of castration. By the following morning she’d have a killer hangover but her heart was always intact.

  Not this time. She couldn’t hate him for what he’d done. She couldn’t drown her sorrows and rip him to shreds with anyone, least of all Scarlett and Paris. And she had the scary urge to leap to his defense and tell them it wasn’t his fault. That he couldn’t help it.

  He hadn’t broken up with her because he was a bastard. He’d broken up with her because he wasn’t.

  How could you start to get someone like that out of your bleeding heart?

  She couldn’t. And she’d never be able to move on if she was forever the surrogate Grayson sister, the fifth wheel; the gooseberry who tagged along at all the family events.

  I need to break ties. She knew it, but it hurt so bad. I’ll make it my New Year’s resolution.

  Ella was at work early afternoon on Christmas Eve when her cell went off. “Hey, Coop.” She’d left Paris and Scarlett still in bed early that morning after their sleepover.

  “You seen Alex lately?”

  She closed her eyes and gave a silent sigh. If she wanted to erase every single possibility of Alex’s name being mentioned, she was going to have to cut her friendship with Cooper.