by Amy Lyle
“I was returning him to your yard,” I explained.
She jerked Jimmy Chews’ collar, releasing him from Cooper’s sexual attack, and turned him loose. Jimmy Chews immediately jumped back into the lake and then to the fleeing Christmas- photo family to shake.
“We let him play in the pond,” was all Jimmy Chews’ mom said and went back inside.
Jimmy Chews and family have since moved and are thriving in the suburbs of Birmingham.
LAKE LIFE
When my hubby was a teenager, he helped build a cabin with his brothers on Lake Hartwell, which is positioned on the border of Georgia and South Carolina. Many lakes in Georgia suffer from zoning issues, the biggest issue being there is no zoning. At Hartwell, you can find a gated, million-dollar house next to a broken-down trailer that has If you step foot on my property I will shoot you spray-painted on the side of it.
After a two-year drought in Georgia, the water level, as well as lake-property prices, was at an all-time low. So of course, that’s the time we put the property on the market.
Peter’s dad was a hoarder{73}and the basement of the property was filled with junk. My husband is more of a delegator of work than the doer of work when it comes to cleaning out basements, so he stayed busy walking the property with a surveyor while the kids and I purged.
Several times he would come to the basement, waving a treasure he had found in the dumpster. “Why would you throw this away?” he would ask, regarding boxes of waterlogged tax records from the 1940s and a collection of broken Eastern Airline lowball glasses.
We booked ourselves for several weekends at the cabin to clean and to meet all the contractors coming to fix windows, re-grout showers and install new appliances. I was in the kitchen when the refrigerator was being delivered from Home Depot. Trying to make small talk, I asked, “Besides Home Depot, where do people work around here?”
Refrigerator installer shared with me, “Some folks work at Gumlog Barbeque. It’s owned by a man named Doodlebug. That’s an alias, Doodlebug. Word is he’s wanted by the law for running white lightning. We have the Swamp Guinea, a catfish place and there are a few chicken farms.” He paused for a second as he wrestled the refrigerator into the cabinet. “Mostly there are methamphetamine labs and dog-fighting rings.”
After several months, the cabin finally sold. The next day, it started to rain.
WHAT HAPPENS IN FLORIDA
Lil,{74} a friend of mine since high school who worked as a teacher and needed a break from her two small kids, invited me to go on a weekend spa vacation in St. Augustine. We got settled and enjoyed a nice day at the beach and then headed to a great stone-crab restaurant in town that a fellow guest had recommended.
We were sitting at the bar, sipping our cocktails, when a group of girls in their twenties entered the bar. They were tan and beautiful in their cutoff shorts, tank tops and long, blond hair. Lil and I looked at each other in our bright floral outfits and bob haircuts and felt very old.
Seated outside for dinner, we could see the group of girls being wild and having a great time. “We’re so old—let’s do something crazy,” Lil suggested as she placed her shrimp tails neatly to one side of her plate. The craziest thing Lil and I had ever done was getting our ears double-pierced in seventh grade.
“Like what?” I asked, thinking for a second about how I did have a recurring dream of hog-tying a delivery guy and crashing the truck through the front window of a Louis Vuitton store so I could have all the clothes, handbags and sunglasses.
“Amy!” Lil snapped me out of my fantasy. “Look.”
An old Camaro had pulled into the parking lot with an ad for a tattoo parlor on the top, like a pizza delivery car. It was a sign.
You would think that two thirty-year-old ladies wearing Lily Pulitzer sundresses walking into a tattoo/piercing parlor would evoke looks of reproach, but the tattoo artists simply said cheerfully, “Pick your design,” and handed us photo albums of tattoos.
I stood in front of a mirror and tried to envision something that I would want FOREVER on my body. Did I want a tiny turtle on my hip or maybe a significant word like Grace or Hope in a script style under my armpit? As an artist called Lil over and started preparing her with rubbing alcohol, I flipped through a Chinese dictionary and I selected the symbol for strength and confidence, two things I believe you need when getting a tattoo.
I told the artist I would like the dime-sized tattoo on the inside of my foot, by my ankle bone.
He said, “No one will be able to see it there.” I said, “I know.”
With great trepidation, I eventually agreed to a tiny tattoo on the outside of my left foot. My mind was racing back and forth: Will it show when I wear work shoes? and although I was thirty, my dad’s going to kill me!
In less than thirty seconds, the symbol was etched on my ankle. I was raised in a Don’t come home if you get a tattoo environment, so the whole situation felt so forbidden and exciting. I couldn’t believe I had gone through with it. As I was admiring my tiny, tiny Chinese symbol, I heard Lil say, “How’s it looking?”
I headed to her station and gasped. She was lying belly-down with a GARDEN tattooed across her lower back. “Oh my gosh, that’s really big!”
She rolled her eyes and said, “If you’re going to be a bear, be a grizzly.”
It has been fifteen years since Lil and I got our tattoos. We both ended up getting divorced, then remarried and lost touch in the process. I should have the tattoo removed because it has faded and looks like a smudge of dirt but I must admit, I love when people ask me what it means.
My smudgy tattoo
Every time I tell the story, I get to relive that weekend when we thought we were so old but were just getting our lives started. I think of the beach, the taste of fresh stone crabs and the nervous giggles Lil and I had doing something devilish together. And I smile.
When I was in China, I kept asking people what my tattoo meant. Their responses ranged from “Wealth” to “Gong Bao chicken.”
财富 Wealth 锣蟒鸡 Gong Bao Chicken
FIGHT FIGHT
Peter and I have been married for seven years and have jobs/mortgages and four kids so we argue all the time. Normally it goes like this.
Me: Stop yelling. For God’s sake, we hear you.
Peter: It doesn’t seem like anyone hears me because no one is doing what I asked them to do.
Me: Simmer down. Don’t ruin our weekend because someone didn’t do exactly what you wanted.
Peter: I talk to the kids because I care about them. I take a lot of time with my kids.
Me: Are you passive-aggressively saying that I don’t take time with my kid? Just because you lecture, lecture, lecture doesn’t make you a better parent.
Peter gets Jell-O out of the refrigerator and eats it.
Me: Oh my God, will you please stop chomping? That’s Jell-O for f*** sake. How can you chomp and slurp on Jell-O?
Peter: You know there are a lot of things that you do that I don’t particularly like but I don’t bring them up.
Me: Like what?
Peter: I’m not going to say because you’re too sensitive.
Me: If you have something to say, say it.
Peter: I’m not that kind of person.
Me: No, you’re being a p***y.
Peter: Did you just call me a p***y?
Me: I said you’re being one and stop slurping that f*****g Jell- O!
Peter: You know, you can be a real b**** sometimes.
Me: You knew that when you married me.
Peter: You’re crazy! Me: I have conditions!
Peter storms out to take a shower, then returns to the kitchen.
Peter: Babe, you want spicy shrimp for dinner?
Me: Sure.
Unfortunately, in my marriage I sometimes get so enraged I say the worst three words to my spouse: I hate you. Then I stomp off to sleep in the guest bedroom. In the morning, when I head down to take a shower, I see Peter, the man I fell in love
with, the person I’m doing life with, sleeping so peacefully and I sometimes I think … I still hate you.
But … I also love you, so I head to the kitchen and make us avocado toast.
Finito
I believe that all of these experiences will serve a purpose— otherwise, I would be admitted to Lakeview Behavioral Health Hospital.
I was raised in a don’t air your dirty laundry environment and respect my parents and grandparents for their never-wavering commitment to that philosophy. Obviously, writing a 200+ page book about all my failures demonstrates that the family philosophy didn’t work for me.
I feel like a weight is being lifted when I share my failures and fears.{75} Even the Bible tells us to Share each other’s burdens … and encourage one another and build one another up …. .{76}
We all suffer setbacks, disasters, illnesses, failures and humiliations. Sometimes, just saying the words “I made that mistake too” or “I’ve been there” to a person that is battling guilt and shame is all it takes to free them.
If you’ve survived, then you have hope, and isn’t that all we need? Because, You are never a failure—you’re just having a little bit of trouble right now.
The End
In remembrance of Traci and Caroline.
Calculate Your Perseverance!
Tucked your skirt or dress into your underwear Locked your keys in the car, with your child still in it Fired/laid off/ not put on the schedule
Fallen in a public place
Survived a terrible haircut, perm or color Been dumped
Kicked out of school
Wrecked your car into your other car or your own house Walked in on someone using the bathroom
During a business meal, realized you have something in your teeth
Been tested for an STD
Worn two different shoes to work Caught picking your nose
Forgotten someone’s name that you had been introduced to before
Clogged a toilet at a friend’s house
Fallen off a treadmill/exercise equipment
Waved wildly to someone who wasn’t waving to you
Bought something because it was on sale, even though it didn’t fit
Struggled with losing those last few pounds
Congratulated someone on their pregnancy when they weren’t expecting
Sent nasty email or text to the person you were being nasty about
Suffering from (can be self-diagnosed):
-OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-Misophonia – certain sounds trigger irritation
- Dysarthria – trouble with speech, pronunciation
- Sedatephobia – dislike/discomfort in silence
- Mom Brain – can’t remember anything Other:
Scoring: one point for each item
Less than 5: You’re a proper lady and probably would not enjoy hanging out with me.
5-9 : You have some issues with holding your s*** together.
5-10 Over 10: Join the club! You’re a hot mess!
Book Club Discussion Questions
1. The author begins the book sharing that she had been raised in Appalachia. How much impact do you feel geography has on a person’s life?
2. If you could erase any of your mistakes, would you? Why or why not?
3. How have you overcome rejection?
4. Do you feel social media adds to your happiness and joy or detracts from it?
5. Do you think children are too protected from failure?
6. Is there truth in the saying “the best things in life are free”?
7. What influence do you feel Hollywood and the media have on women’s perceptions of beauty?
8. The author admits to changing herself to maintain a relationship. Have you ever presented yourself differently than you really are?
9. The author doesn’t see herself as a failure. Do you agree or disagree with her?
10. After calculating your perseverance tally sheet, do you have any words of wisdom for others that may be going through a difficult time?
Acknowledgements
This book was the effort of so many talented women. Editing by Greer Tirrill, Ansley Millwood and Sharon Honeycutt. Special thanks for your commitment to the book launch: Kim Hammond, Kristen Ingmire, Andrea Ferenchik and Dr. Myla Bennett. Thank you, Rhiannon Johnson, Allison Futch and Heather Brown for marketing help. Website, www.amylyle.me by Marnie Raines and Debi Smith.
A huge thank you to my tribe for content ideas and/or support for the book including: Sharon Specker, Shannon Krogman, Cheryl Cicha, Jen Pete, Rachel King, Ashley Morgan, Marjorie Presten, Suzanne Yancey, Kristin Upite, Richane Swedenberg, Susie Hale, Sherry Topper, Jami Bresnahan, Meredith Campbell, Michelle Johnson, Cristy Daly, Cori Williams, Krissy Toth, Lisa Ode, Gayle Donaghue, Traci Nicolson, Melissa Green, Susan Vance, Marilyn Mallas, Leslie LaValley, Carie Ann Shaffer, Kathleen Whaley, Jenny Volk, Heather Paton, Dana Kelhofer, Gina Gibb, Kim Paquette. Tracey Henry, Heidi Grew, Peri Sanders and Christina Peterson and my peeps at BB. Dog photos provided by friends: Tabby Carter, Rachael Buffa, Megan Summerville, Mary Delp, Amanda Shires Gina Ryals and Meghan Leigh.
Thank you, to my parents, Beth and Phil Araiza and John Binegar. Thank you, Rodney Henson, my mentor. Thank you, to my one big love for your never-ending support and encouragement, Peter Lyle, and our children, Savannah, Maddy, PJ and Anna.
About Amy Lyle
Amy Lyle is a playwright, actor and screenwriter living in Atlanta with her second husband, Peter, four teenagers and a very large dog.
THE AMY BINEGAR-KIMMES-LYLE BOOK
OF FAILURES is her first book.
Visit Amy and share your failures!
Cover photos by Andrea Ferenchik
10% of book proceeds benefit The Place, in Forsyth County, an organization committed to helping people become self- sustaining. www.theplaceofforsyth.org to volunteer or donate.
{1} First Husband
{2} I’m not a wildcat in the bedroom.
{3} When Peter and I married, his daughters were 10 and 12, his son was 8 and my daughter, 6.
{4} www.neighborhoodscout.com/oh/marietta/crime11
{5} I also put my pants back on.
{6} Literally, anything.
{7} I’m still bitter about the whole thing.
{8} Translation: he was going to pick the children up from school around four.
{9} Webelos, pronounced “WEE-buh-lohs” is a program that prepares younger boys for Boy Scouts. The term means WE’LL BE LOYal Scouts.
{10} There are very few things about which I even give one s***, and why not try to find the humor in every situation?
{11} Annabelle had eaten the box and I must assume the cloth dye poisoned her, or she could have died from natural causes.
{12} I screamed “I told you” for twenty minutes and remind him of my rightness weekly.
{13} Not her real name.
{14} www.thepoliticalinsider.com/shock-carrie-underwoods-husband makes a major confession
{15} www.cnsnews.com/blog/mark-judge/kevin-sorbo-hollywood-you-have-be-afraid-say-youre-christian
{16} Not his real name.
{17} This story is a combination of two high school bus stories.
{18} All names have been changed.
{19} All names have been changed.
{20} Cheap, fruity wine that teenagers drunk by the gallons.
{21} Bite my ear off.
{22} My dad made it up to me later with a trip to JCPenney.
{23} Names changed.
{24} www.food.com/recipe/melomakarona-a-greek-christmas-cookie
{25} www.mic.com/articles/156482/clown-sightings-2016-here-s-what- real-clowns-are-saying-about-the-killer-clown-hoax#.IrJM95tG2
{26} www.time.com/4518456/scary-clown-sighting-attack-craze
{27} www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/naperville-sun/news/ct-nvs- impact-creepy-clowns-st-1012-20161011-story
{28} I have inherited this issue. See page 18.
{29}
I grew up in a town of white Protestants.
{30} www.minnesota.cbslocal.com/2015/11/16/as-competition-rises- team-sports-decline-but-traveling-teams-soa
{31} www.forbes.com/sites/bobcook/2016/08/01/what-drives-parents- youth-sports-spending-dont-underestimate-peer-pressure
{32} www.businessinsider.com/walmart-employees-pay
{33} To donate or learn more about WAS: www.wiskott.org/about- us/about-wiskott-aldrich-foundation
{34} My mother may disown me if I spelled out the actual expletives. For the record, I don’t curse around my children, I curse at my children.
