“I’ve come a long way—”
The woman behind the desk keyed a microphone, “Nurse Mitchell to the desk, please. Nurse Mitchell to the desk.” She unkeyed the mic and pointed to a small waiting room across the hall. “You can wait in there.” Her expression still didn’t change.
“Thanks a lot.”
Cole went across the hall and took a seat in the waiting room. He couldn’t see the desk from where he sat. It didn’t matter, though. The stress wouldn’t let him sit still. He got up and went to the window. The view of the grounds was quite beautiful from the second floor. He cracked his knuckles and rubbed his hands together.
“Hello,” came a voice from behind him.
Cole turned slowly to see a face he knew. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe. His heart felt as though it would explode from his chest. Standing right in front of him was Ellie, just as she looked when they were together. It was as if time stood still. The last 24 years never happened. He laughed.
“God in heaven.”
“Sorry?”
“It’s just...it’s just—”
“Do I know you?”
“I’m sorry. My name is Cole, Cole Sage. I’m—”
“You’re kidding.” The young woman’s expression changed to one almost as thunderstruck as Cole’s.
They both stood and looked at each other for the longest time. She was tall and on the thin side. Her curly brown hair was pulled back and clipped just above her ears with pink barrettes that matched her uniform. The bridge of her nose wrinkled just like Ellie’s used to do as she studied the man in front of her. A smile slowly curled her lips and then broadened to show the same amazing smile he loved so much. She was beautiful.
“My mother used to speak of you. What on earth are you doing here? How did you find me? I mean, what brings you here to see me?”
“Can we sit?”
“Sure.” Erin’s voice conveyed a sense of concern.
They made their way to a small bench.
“Uh, I don’t know exactly how to begin,” Cole rubbed his hands together nervously, “So I guess I’ll just spit it out. I have some bad news. Your mom’s real sick.” Cole paused and looked down. He could feel tears building. He would not allow it. He steeled himself. “I know that—”
“What is it? Please, is she going to be okay?” Erin’s hand was at her throat and Cole saw a glimpse of what she must have been like as a little girl.
“She’s very ill. Has been for almost three years. She has Lou Gehrig’s disease, ALS.”
“Oh my God.” Erin put her hand over her mouth. “Where — what, what hospital is she in?” she stammered.
“Your father—” Cole began.
“He’s not my father!” Erin stood suddenly.
“Allen Christopher, your mother’s husband—” Cole paused, not quite sure how he wanted to respond to her statement, “—put her in a nursing home. She is not doing well at all, and I’m trying to get her moved, but he has power of attorney. She contacted me to help find you. She needs to see you before—”
“She’s not—What do you mean?”
“She’s dying, Erin. She wants to see you. Your brother and sister won’t even go see her. Christopher hasn’t been there in a year or more.” Cole’s voice was rising with emotion.
“Can you help her? Can you do something for her?”
“The thing she needs most is you. She loves you very much and misses you terribly. She knows she was wrong in not being there for you.”
“It’s a little late for that! She threw me away. For that—” Her hands flew up to her face and she spun around. Her shoulders shook in her attempt to contain her silent sobs.
“Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but your mother is very special to me.” Cole hesitated, then said softly, “Can we go for a walk?”
“Just wait. Please, I can’t think. This is all so much to take in.”
Cole stood and walked over to Erin. “Here,” he said as he handed her his handkerchief. He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder.
“No.” She shrugged it off. “I won’t go back.”
“Okay, okay,” he whispered,” can we get out of here, though? The charmer at the desk is staring a hole in the glass, come on.”
Erin blew her nose and slowly turned to face Cole. “Yes, let’s get some air. I would like to talk to you.”
Crossing to the desk she said, “I’m going to lunch, Rose.”
“Should I call security?” Rose said in a faked whisper.
“No, Rose, Mr. Sage is an old family friend, and he has just given me some bad news. I just need to get some air. We’re going for a walk.”
“I don’t like his looks. Are you sure you’re not being kidnapped or something?”
“No Rosie, really he’s fine. Don’t worry.” Erin smiled and Cole thought she might have giggled. Turning to Cole she said, “Let’s go to the garden.”
They rounded the corner and went to a side exit door. Outside was a walled courtyard. Ivy covered the walls, and there was a pond with a waterfall that gently trickled down mossy rocks. There were several benches with dedication plaques on their back supports. Tall willows surrounded the far walls, their wispy branches swaying along the red bricks.
“This garden is part of the chapel. I just love the peaceful feeling here. Nobody ever uses it. Would you like to sit down?” Erin regained her composure and spoke with an almost affectionate tone.
“Yes, that would be nice.”
They made their way to a cement bench under a tall cottonwood tree. Cole was once again aware of how very much Erin looked like her mother. Ellie had never been as thin, but her face, hair, and coloring was Ellie over and over. The sensation was dizzying. He tried not to stare, but he simply couldn’t help it. He wondered how he could feel so at ease with someone he just met. It went beyond the resemblance; it was as though he knew her. Her manner, her speech, it wasn’t Ellie, but it was so familiar. The pain and anger she showed, oddly didn’t put him off, it seemed to draw him closer. After her outburst in the waiting room, she seemed to relax and take him in as well.
“You know, Mr. Sage,” Erin began.
“Cole, please. ‘Mr. Sage’ always makes me feel so old.” Cole smiled.
“Okay, Cole,” Erin returned the smile, “I’ve always wanted to meet you.”
“Really?”
“Oh yes, Mama always spoke of you with such, I don’t know, affection maybe, that I always wondered what you would be like.”
Cole was studying the young woman with such intensity he was almost scowling.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m just kind of blown away that she would mention me,” he said with a sincerity that surprised Erin.
“You need to understand something. Growing up in our house was very hard. There was so much fighting. Allen was so cruel to Mama, and he hated me. I have never understood why she stayed with him. I begged her to leave him many times, and she would just say, ‘He’s been working so hard’ or ‘He really needs to get away for a while.’ I realize now it was a pretty classic case of an abused woman, but she is so strong in so many other ways, I just don’t understand why she was so afraid to leave.
“I remember once when I was in the sixth grade, I had this mad crush on a boy on my school bus, and I asked Mama what love was like. She told me about this boy she once had a crush on. She talked about how serious he was and how he didn’t even know she was alive for the longest time. Then, one day he just came and sat down by her and started talking to her and it was the start of a beautiful romance. It’s funny now, but she was so shy and sweet about it. She wouldn’t tell me the boy’s name. You know how when you’re young, you just think of your parents always being together and how they were the first and last love they ever had? It came as a real revelation that she once had someone she loved besides my father. But I finally teased and pleaded until she said your name...Cole.” Erin smiled coyly.
“In my defense, I
did notice her. The first time I ever saw your mom, I was smitten.” Cole seemed to beam at the memory. “Your grandparents bought the house down the street from my aunt. I saw her the day they moved in. She wore a gray sweatshirt that said ‘NAVY’ on the front and a pair of khaki shorts. The thing that got me was her hair. It was so curly, and it bounced as she carried a box down the ramp from the moving truck. What a cutie. She was in the seventh grade. Your mother is very generous. She didn’t mention that it took me four years to get up the guts to go and sit with her. That was a long time ago.”
“We spent many hours alone. It was like we had only each other. Chad and Annie never accepted us.” Erin sighed deeply.
“What do you mean, ‘accepted’ you?”
“I was about five when Mama met Allen, and his kids were 8 and 10, so I was always in the way, and they resented Mama.”
“So, who was your mom’s first husband, your father?”
“I was hoping you would know.” Erin looked at Cole hopefully.
“We lost touch you might say. I didn’t know she had been married before,” Cole stammered.
“She would never talk about it.”
“Didn’t you ask your grandparents?” Cole questioned.
“By the time I was old enough to want to know, they were really old. Grandma died when I was seven, and Grandpa had Alzheimer’s. It was a forbidden subject. All I know is, he died when I was a baby and she won’t talk about him. It is the meanest thing she has ever done to me. I think I have a right to know, don’t you?”
Cole certainly wanted to know. He couldn’t imagine Ellie married twice.
“What does your birth certificate say? You have one, don’t you? You must, right?” Cole hoped he wasn’t pushing.
“Oh sure, but all it says under father is: ‘Eric Brockett, place of birth Taos, New Mexico, date of birth 12/13/48.’ I have searched, written letters, made calls—all nothing. Mom said he died in Mexico working in the oil fields. That’s it. She wouldn’t say anything else, ever.”
“I’ll be damned,” Cole said almost to himself.
“You’re still a reporter, right?”
“How did you know that?”
“Oh, I know all about you. All the adventures in Southeast Asia, interviewing radicals, tobacco trials, that thing with the president. Mama always read me your stories. She would always say, ‘Did you know that I used to know him?’ She knew I did, but I think she just wanted to say it.” She paused. “Could you help me find out about my father?” Erin suddenly looked down, knowing she had crossed a line between them. “I’m sorry, that’s rude.”
“Gee, after a buildup like that, how could I refuse? I’m surprised she kept track. Funny, I figured after we broke up, I was long forgotten. I was not very chivalrous in our parting, and have always regretted the way it happened. I guess they’re right: Time wounds all heels.” Cole smiled sadly.
“Did you ever marry?” Erin inquired.
“Nope.” Cole changed the subject. “What’s this I hear about you having a little girl? Does Ellie know?”
“No, I’m ashamed of that. I met my husband, Ben, just after I moved here. We married a year later. He’s an intern here at Santa Felicia. He just adores Jenny. Oh, here.” She handed Cole a set of keys with a picture keychain of a little girl in a powder blue jumper with white tights.
“Well, I can see where she gets her looks. She’s a doll.” Cole smiled.
“You know, it’s so weird to talk to you. You are not what I expected.”
“How so? What were you expecting? More like Tom Selleck, less like Ed Asner?” Cole grinned.
“That’s exactly what I expected. My mom always said how funny you were.” Erin smiled.
“I haven’t felt very funny lately.”
“When I was in high school, I got stood up on Prom Night. No explanation. The boy just didn’t show. I was devastated. Actually thought about just killing myself so I wouldn’t have to face the kids at school. Allen laughed, Chad said something nasty. I’m sure Ann would have said something nasty too, but thankfully, she was away at college. Mama came to my room and cried with me. She said the same kind of thing happened to her. She told me how you just went away and left her wondering why. That was the last time she and I were close. She fell asleep in the chair next to my bed.
“Allen burst in around midnight, screaming and calling her names. Saying how sick he was of her neglecting him. He swore at her, called her terrible things. I tried to defend her, and he slapped me across the face. She didn’t say a word, just ran out of my room. That hurt worse than getting stood up. I won’t go back, Cole, I can’t. She chose Allen over me. That’s what she wanted.” Erin stood up and moved behind the bench.
“There’s something else,” Cole said firmly.
Erin didn’t look up; she slowly traced a crack in the top of the bench. Cole weighed what to do next. He felt so inadequate. This wasn’t an investigative interview. This was for Ellie. This was his chance to redeem himself somehow. He cursed himself for agreeing to do this. His face felt like it was on fire. He could find no words.
“Your inheritance. The money and property that should go to you is going to go to Christopher and the other kids. Your mom doesn’t want that. The money was her parents’ and needs to go to you. To her, them getting her parents’ money is the final insult.”
Erin stood straight and flashed a fiery look at Cole. “Grandpa’s money? That’s what this is about? She can’t buy me back!” Erin’s anger caused her words to spit out from between clenched teeth. Then, with a rage that unleashed years of resentment and hurt, she lashed out at Cole. “Why are you here, some mythic hero from mother’s past, to raise the flag of love lost and all will be forgiven? Don’t you get it? I don’t need her or her money.” She took a deep breath. “And I sure don’t need you coming here trying to shame me into something I said I would never ever do!” Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Erin, please sit down. I have some things to say and then I’m out of here. Please.”
“I think you should go,” Erin said icily.
“Sit down.” Cole’s voice was harsh and cold as steel.
Erin blinked and rounded the bench. She stood in front of him, rigid, fists clenched at her sides.
Cole suddenly laughed. “What the hell are you gonna to do, hit me?” The sight of the beautiful girl dressed in pink ready to do battle struck him as funny, and he couldn’t contain his laughter.
“What is it with you? Are you nuts?” Erin hit her sides with her fists.
Cole laughed all the harder. He slapped the bench seat and said, “Sit down, come on.” He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand as he tried to contain his amusement. His reaction was partly humor at her reaction and partly nervous emotion.
Erin sat, and in a calm, even voice said, “I’m not amused.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe I am nuts, but I need to say a couple of things. First, I’m sorry I can’t get through to you. I see the hurt and anger, and I know I’m not the one to make it go away. I just wish I knew how to let you know how wrong you are about you mother’s motivation in all this.”
“You don’t understand—”
“Let me finish... please.” Cole was now in control of himself and his thoughts. “You’re right, I was the wrong person to send, and it must seem foolish to you to have a long-lost boyfriend of your mother’s come to plead with you to come back home, but I am all she has. Do you understand that? I got a message she needed help, and I came. Now the only person she really has, her own flesh and blood, is turning her back on her. I admit I don’t understand why, and I’ll admit I’m angry as hell. But you’re an adult. How old are you anyway, 22, 23? No one can make you do anything. It’s sad, though, that you can’t forgive your mother when she’s dying. It isn’t pretty. She has lost all control of her body. It’s humiliating, frustrating, and a pretty shitty way to die. I am not trying to shame you into anything. The shame is yours, you named it, not me.
“Let�
�s clear the air, okay? Yes, I left your mom without saying goodbye. She had been back from Mexico for almost a year. We took a long a weekend at a small resort on the coast. It’s one of the sweetest memories I have. We argued on the way back. I’ll be damned if I can remember what we fought about, but when I got home, I had a message. I landed an assignment in the Philippines to write an article on the New People’s Army. They were communist guerrillas and there was fear they would take over the country. It was my first big break. I thought, ‘I’ll show her’ and left that night. I didn’t know that I would be bouncing around Southeast Asia for three years. How could I know it would ruin my life?
“Listen, we will probably never see each other again after today. I have met Allen Christopher and would and could kill him for what he’s done to your mother,” he paused and looked Erin in the eyes, “and to you.
“She made me promise I wouldn’t hurt him. You see, I have nothing left to live for. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it’s true.”
“I know you think—” Erin tried to interrupt.
“I have loved your mother every day, every hour, every minute of the past 30 years. Losing her, well,” Cole cleared his throat, “she was everything I ever wanted, and I threw her away in an act of selfish stupidity. When I realized what I had done, it was too late. I called and she was gone. Your grandparents, who were never big fans of mine, wouldn’t tell me how to reach her. I was going to have her join me in Cambodia. Today, I learned she’d married. I can’t believe she found somebody that fast. You want pain—try that one on.”
“I had no idea what you meant to each other, but...”
Cole straightened, “Now she’s dying, and all the silly hopes of someday getting back together are dead, all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if I had onlys’ are all that’s left. When she goes, so does my heart and soul. The thing that hurts the most is I missed all the years when she was growing older. She has gone from the beautiful, wild, passionate girl I worshipped to a poor emaciated shell I don’t recognize. Even her voice that haunted my dreams all these years is gone. Now it’s just a shaky whisper. The only thing that is Ellie is her eyes, her beautiful eyes. When I sat with her, they were all I could look at.”
Diamonds and Cole: A Cole Sage Mystery Page 11
