At seven o’clock, Ellie turned her head toward Cole, opened her eyes, and gave a faint smile. Then her eyes slowly closed again and she sighed. Cole rested his head on the cool steel bedrail and brought up sweet memories of his time with Ellie when they were together. Oddly, Cole had a peace about this time, about Ellie and her certain passing. She will just stay asleep, he thought. And that was fine. It did hurt him that they wouldn’t have a chance to say goodbye, but she wasn’t in any pain that he could see, and that was good.
When a nurse came in and asked Cole to step out of the room for a few moments, he took the opportunity to use the restroom and find a coffee machine. The coffee was hot and strong. As he passed by, several nurses gave him sweet, melancholy smiles as if to say, “We know, we’re sorry,” and it made Cole feel not quite so alone.
The sun had gone down, and the lights in the room were soft and gave off a golden glow. Down the hall at the nurse’s station, a radio was turned on and was a welcome alternative to the silence. On one of Cole’s strolls to stretch his legs, he had noticed the third floor had very few beds filled. The nurses busied themselves with paperwork or chatted quietly at the desk.
Cole had just returned from a walk when Ellie turned and opened her eyes. “Cole?”
“Yes, Ellie, I’m here.”
“Can I have a sip of water?”
“Of course.” He poured a couple of inches of cool water from the plastic pitcher into a small cup and brought it to Ellie’s lips.
“Thank you.” Ellie cleared her throat and said, “How long have I been asleep?”
“Since about four o’clock, I guess.”
“I am so tired. What happened? What is all this?” She indicated the wires and tubes with a slow wave of her hand across the bed.
“You gave us quite a scare. They had to drain your lungs; that’s what that tube is. It should help.”
“This is a lousy way to go, Cole.”
“Let’s not talk about that. I need to tell you something. Are you strong enough to listen?”
“I want to listen, please. I’ll be asleep a long time.” Ellie smiled.
“I love you, Ellie. More than anything in the world. I was such a fool. How could I have ever let you go? I have thought of you every day of my life, wished for you, longed for you. I was a coward, and I am so sorry.” Cole felt like a man who was suffocating and could suddenly breathe.
“Are you getting mushy on me?” Weak as she was, Ellie needed to be the girl he had loved. “I love you, too, Cole Sage. I have held you in my heart all these years. We would have been good together. I was a fool, too. It was my hurt pride. I could have reached out. I made some very bad choices, and letting you go was the worst. Forgive me?”
Cole brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. Ellie closed her eyes.
“Are you asleep?” Cole said softly.
“No, just taking it all in.” She wiggled her hand in his. “Do it again.”
Cole held her hand to his cheek and then kissed it for a long moment.
“You still got the stuff to melt a girl’s heart, big guy.” Ellie’s breathing came in quick shallow breaths.
“Flatterer.” Cole could feel Ellie weakening.
“Time to check that temp.” A nurse came sweeping into the room, and Cole didn’t look up.
“Oh, my baby.” Ellie pointed at the doorway with Cole still holding her hand.
“Hi, mama, can I come in?” Erin said softly.
“My angel, yes!” Ellie tried to lift herself in the bed but was too weak.
“Aren’t you the popular one this evening!” the nurse said breezing back out of the room.
Cole stood as Erin ran to her mother’s bed. Ellie’s free arm was stretched out to embrace her daughter. Both women were crying, and Cole slipped from the room.
“Oh, Mama, I am so sorry,” Erin sobbed.
Ellie stroked Erin’s hair as the young woman wept into her mother’s shoulder.
The thrill of Erin’s unexpected appearance was a strong tonic to Ellie, and she spoke with a clear strong voice. “I was wrong, Erin, please forgive me. I was so wrong, I hurt you so.”
“No, I was stupid. Will you forgive me?”
“There is nothing to forgive. I am so happy you’re here. Let’s forget the past. I want to hear about your life.” Ellie brushed the tears gently from Erin’s cheek. “Look at me. I want to
see you.”
Ellie’s face lit with a radiant smile as Erin stood holding her mother’s hand.
“I have missed you.”
“You, too, Mama.”
“Cole was right. You are a beautiful young woman.” Ellie realized that Cole was no longer in the room. “Cole!” Ellie’s voice strained hoarsely.
“Right here.” Cole had been standing just outside the door.
“I thought you had gone,” Ellie said, panting. The adrenaline was starting to recede.
“Hello, Mr. Sage,” Erin said shyly.
“Glad you could make it,” Cole said as the girl turned and hugged him.
“Thank you.” She whispered in his ear.
“This is so important to her,” Cole said softly.
For 10 minutes, Erin showed Ellie pictures and told stories of her life. Then she told her about husband Ben, his work, and their life together. And, last, she smiled and informed Ellie she was a grandmother and told her about Jenny.
Ellie was beaming, but her voice betrayed her. Little by little, her strength was slipping away. Cole sat quietly watching Ellie and Erin from across the room. He had not failed her. Her last days would be spent knowing that he had come and fulfilled her last request. Knowing that Erin was here would make the pain of what was to come a little easier.
“You have become everything I always prayed you would be. I do love you so.” Ellie squeezed Erin’s hand. “Cole, please come closer. My voice seems to be giving up on me.”
Cole crossed the room and stood beside Erin. He sensed her weakening would signal the end. Her voice had become shaky and her breathing now seemed difficult. It’s all right, now. She has seen Erin, he thought. He would be strong.
“I need to tell you something. I hope you will both forgive me. I have wanted to say this for a long time but never knew how or when. Say you’ll forgive me.” Ellie’s voice had become almost a whisper.
“Anything,” Cole said.
“Of course, Mama, what is it?” Erin’s concern showed on her face as well as in her voice.
“Erin, sweetie, I have lied to you. About your father, I mean. He didn’t die in Mexico. He never lived.” Ellie closed her eyes and seemed to be pulling her last moments of strength together. “Cole, I have been unfair to you, too,” Ellie’s breathing was so soft Cole thought she had slipped away.
“El?” Cole said flatly.
“Mama, please...”
Ellie opened her eyes and seemed to be pulling in as much air as her exhausted body would allow. “I have kept a secret deep in my heart,” she gasped. “Erin, this is your father. Cole, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Cole stood staring at the dial on the oxygen gauge above the bed. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. His ears were ringing. His head felt like it was disconnected from his body. What had she just said?
Erin’s voice shattered the spell. “I don’t understand.”
Ellie spoke with her eyes closed but she had taken Cole’s hand as she began. “Before you went to Southeast Asia. When we fought, I was going to tell you I was pregnant. I had been trying for days. But you left and I was so hurt and angry. My parents, my parents....” Her voice trailed off for a moment. “I ran, I ran to New Mexico. I made up the story of a husband in the oil fields. From the newspaper, I got the idea from the newspaper.” Ellie’s voice came in powerless puffs.
“I don’t know what to say.” Erin said, her hand over her mouth.
“Say you’ll forgive me, please, and love him. He is so good and kind. He loves you already, I could see it when he talked of you. Sa
y something, Cole, please.”
“I only love you more. Thank you.” Cole looked at Erin for the first time, but she was staring at her mother.
“Did Allen know, is that why he hated me?”
“No one has ever known. I swore to myself I would tell Cole first.”
“It would have been so easy if I had known,” Erin said more to herself than anyone else.
Ellie opened her eyes, her lids were heavy, and it was difficult for her to focus.
“I have the two people I love most in the same room. I could just die I’m so happy.” Ellie closed her eyes and a smile came across her lips.
Cole laughed and kissed her hand. “Naughty girl.” He bent and kissed her on the lips for a long moment. “I love you so.”
“I love you too, big guy,” Ellie said so softly only Cole heard her.
Erin and Cole sat on each side of the bed in silence. At 11:33, Ellie slipped into eternity.
TWENTY
Cole called Mick Brennan on Monday morning and told him of Ellie’s passing. The next call was a little more difficult. The Reverend E.T. Bates was supposed to know all the right things to say. His years of standing beside hospital beds and caskets should have given the experience to have a repertoire revised, honed, and practiced thousands of times. Yet, it seemed as though the old preacher couldn’t find the words he wanted to comfort Cole.
“I didn’t know her, Cole,” Bates said with unusual softness in his volume, “but she touched me. I have seen many, many people facing death. She had such a peace, such dignity. I hope when my time comes, I can face it with as much concern for others as she showed. She loved you very much. We talked for a very short time, she was so weak, but she spoke of you and her daughter. She was so afraid you would be tormented by not getting the girl home. You know, Cole, we can lead the way but the prodigal has to make the choice to return.”
“She came back,” Cole said, “last night.”
“Thank you, Jesus,” the old man said reverently. “I prayed she would.”
“Would you do the service?”
“I would be honored.”
“I’ll have the funeral parlor call you with the details. Let’s keep it simple. She didn’t like a lot of falderal. I know you’ll have the right words, maybe a song. She didn’t want a chapel service, just something by the graveside. She loved the outdoors, you know?”
“I’m praying for you, brother.” This was a benediction. The conversation was over, the volume was back up.
Cole and Erin had spoken only briefly regarding the funeral. She had given her blessing to whatever he decided. Cole had asked her if there was anything special she wanted done. There wasn’t. With great difficulty, he had asked her to get something for Ellie to wear. Erin said she already had.
“Are you going to call Allen and the kids?” Erin had asked hesitantly.
“To hell with them,” was Cole’s only response, subject closed.
Cole felt very awkward, and Erin was all business. The call only lasted a minute or two. When he hung up, he felt very alone. He walked to the curtains and drew them closed. He hadn’t dressed and wouldn’t. He lay back on the unmade bed and pulled the covers up tight around him. The room was dark and cool. Cole Sage was totally and completely alone. The future loomed like an ancient tapestry before him and, as he thought of his life without the possibility of Ellie, he drifted into sleep.
After waking early, showering, and forcing down a paper cup of bitter instant motel room coffee, Cole left the hotel and went for a long drive into the foothills. Near a grove of live oak trees, he stopped and ate a sandwich and apple he’d gotten at a little grocery along the way. He realized it was the first food he had eaten in two days. Cole climbed over a sagging barbed wire fence and walked to the top of a hill. The grass was dry and the wind gusted.
At the top of the hill, he lay back in the grass and watched the huge billowy clouds roll by. This was Ellie’s kind of day. He thought of a day just like this when they lay in a meadow full of daisies and talked of what their life was going to be like. They laughed and dreamed about a life together, growing old, having had brilliant careers and a houseful of kids. They talked of trips to Europe and a big ecologically sound fireplace crackling in a roomful of books and big pillows. Cole knew that’s the way it would have been.
Call it closure, call it resolution, call it atonement, but Cole was at peace. Ellie was gone. He had asked forgiveness, declared his love; he had gotten the gift of a daughter. He knew if they’d had the time, they would have been good together. Just as he had dreamed looking out of a thousand airplane windows, he did not regret his loneliness; it had prepared him for the sweetness of their coming together again. Ellie had prepared him for a life without her, this time separation with a loving goodbye. This time there was no guilt, nor despair. The loss of Ellie was as she had told him; the beginning of a life of beautiful memories and love remembered. He knew he was going to be all right and, at this moment, his heart felt as big as the clouds overhead.
Cole left the hill with a sense that the new life Ellie had promised would become a reality. The drive back to town was free of dread. The grapefruit-sized knot he had lived with since Ellie’s phone call was gone. He didn’t know when it had disappeared, but it seemed he was breathing freer, deeper. He thought of Erin. He hoped they would keep in touch. He hoped for a relationship with her, but he was realistic, too. Why would she suddenly want a stranger in her life just because they were linked biologically? He wouldn’t push it. If it happened, it would be wonderful; if it didn’t, he already understood.
Erin had spent the morning making calls. The first was to her husband, Ben. He had often wondered if his wife would ever reach out to her mother, and was quietly pleased when Erin said she was going to see Ellie. It saddened him that he had never met her. Although estranged, Erin often spoke with deep fondness of her mother. He had heard her many times while putting Jenny to bed sing little songs or tell stories that she said, “My mama told me when I was your age....” Ben had hoped and prayed that the trip would put things right between Erin and her mother. Although he would never tell her, it had always deeply troubled him that she had felt such bitterness towards the woman.
Ben’s family was very close, and his relationship with his own mother was something he treasured. His father had passed away when he was in his first year of med school. Ben would’ve taken a leave of absence, but his mother and sister wouldn’t hear of it. Their argument was that his father would never have accepted putting off the goal. In the end, he knew they were right and could hear his father’s voice directing him to push on. Without family support and cheerleading on the sidelines, he was sure he never would’ve made it through medical school.
Erin told Ben she’d be back Thursday night after the funeral. She turned down his offer to join her. She thought it would be best if he just stayed with Jenny. Ben volunteered to tell her supervisor of Ellie’s death and arrange time off for Erin. Mrs. Bishop would take care of Jenny during the day as usual, and Ben would trade shifts with Joe Jaramillo so he would be home every night that Erin was gone.
Erin found it hard to express how much she appreciated Ben’s support. It wasn’t what he said, it was who he was. His strength and caring for her was more than she thought she could have expected from anyone again. It was the same inner strength her mother had possessed before she’d surrendered to Allen Christopher’s dominance. Erin told Ben she loved him, sent kisses to Jenny, and said goodbye. She did not say a word about Cole.
Later in the afternoon, Erin drove around town for a while and bought a dress and new shoes for the services the next day. She checked into the Holiday Inn, ate a salad from Wendy’s in her room, and cried herself to sleep. Cole went to a florist when he got back to town and ordered flowers for Ellie. He had a burrito from a taco truck and stopped to watch a group of college age kids playing soccer in the park. He later fell asleep in his motel room with the television on.
Cole and Erin found t
hemselves with nothing much to do. Erin called an old friend from school and went to lunch with her. In the afternoon, she felt a strange urge to see the house where she grew up. As she pulled up across the street, she thought something wasn’t quite right. The curtains looked different, and several large juniper bushes that had been under the front windows were gone. In their place was a beautiful bed of flowers. New white shutters were decorating all the front windows, and the front door had been painted a deep green. She was shocked when a tall, slender black woman came out of the house and loaded three kids into the minivan parked in the drive. The woman gave her a broad smile and a friendly wave as she pulled out. Allen had sold. Just as well, Erin thought.
Cole had gone to a used bookstore and tried in vain to get interested in looking at the mystery section. The store smelled old and musty, the woman behind the counter chatted on the phone. Her voice was grating, and he found the classical music irritating. He was in and out within five minutes. The new multiplex cinema on McAllister was his last hope. He paid the matinee price for a ticket to see a mindless blood-and-guts fest about a tattooed drifter who finds himself protecting a beautiful blonde, whose husband had been killed by renegade Indians, and her little boy. It was just what he needed; in fact, he stayed and watched it twice. Nobody noticed.
Around six, Cole returned to the Holiday Inn and was unlocking his door when someone called his name. Turning, he saw Erin unlocking the door next to his.
“Hello, neighbor,” Erin said with a smile.
“Hello yourself.”
They stood looking at each other for the longest time. Neither of them wanted to move. It felt good, comforting even.
Finally Cole said,”Have you had dinner?”
“No. You?”
“Nope.”
“Would you like to?” Erin said shyly.
“Very much.”
“Okay, let’s.”
“What are you in the mood for?”
Diamonds and Cole: A Cole Sage Mystery Page 21
