As soon as I walk through the front door, I hear a familiar voice, but I can’t pinpoint it. I follow the voices to the living room, and that’s when I see the red hair. That shade can only belong to one person. Ruby Shaw. The hot pink car outside makes sense.
But what is Ruby Shaw doing in my parents’ living room? My mother notices me first, and she quickly stands up and meets me halfway in the room. We hug briefly, and I kiss both her cheeks.
Ruby follows, and she ignores my hands, which are limp by my sides, and kisses my cheek. Her perfume is too strong, and it makes me feel momentarily nauseous.
“Oh my God, Declan, you haven’t changed a bit,” she exclaims.
“Neither have you,” I reluctantly say. It’s the truth. She’s still pretty with high cheekbones and features that were made for the runway.
Ruby’s attraction ends with her physical features. It hadn’t taken me long to know that she and I did not have a future. We’d been friends all our lives, and our parents had constantly pushed us to date. Eventually, the pressure got to us, and we started dating. However, the traits I’d liked about her when we were friends became a turn-off. A serious turn-off. Ruby was aggressive. About everything. And she was loud and boisterous. I’m rarely embarrassed, but Ruby embarrassed me whenever we went out in public together. She was loud and confrontational. A chilled-out romantic dinner in a restaurant ended up in a shouting match between Ruby and the waitress.
“What are you doing around these parts?” I ask her. “Last I heard, you were in Europe.”
That was another reason why she and I couldn’t have worked. People called me restless until they met Ruby. She couldn’t stand being in one place for more than a few weeks. Her feet itched to be on the move all the time.
She’s a trust fund kid as well, which funds her numerous travels. I, on the other hand, love business. I love the buzz of starting something from scratch and watching it grow.
“I was in Italy for a while, then Spain, then London,” she says with a laugh. “But I’m back now, permanently, I hope. Your mother was kind enough to invite me to dinner.”
My mother is all smiling at the compliment. “Your father is in the study. I’ll tell him dinner is ready. Meanwhile, you kids catch up, I’m sure you have lots to talk about.”
Kids? I raise my eyebrow at her, but she’s already halfway out of the room. Now, I know the game my mother is playing. She’s wishing Marian away. Pretending that she doesn’t exist by trying to hook me up with a past girlfriend.
“It’s so nice to see you again, Declan,” Ruby says. “I’ve thought a lot about you over the years.”
My mother has gone too far. “Did my mother tell you that I’m married now?”
She leans forward and winks. “Yes, but she also told me how that came about and that you’re about to have it annulled. I’m not surprised, though; you always were a little crazy, Declan. I love that about you.”
My mother returns to the living room. “Dinner is ready.”
I stand up stiffly. I have no appetite, and I’m angry. I’m not a little boy, and I’m tired of being treated like one. I realize that I’ve done that all by myself. I’ve taught my mother to butt into my life. It was fine before, but now it’s grossly disrespectful. She knows very well that Marian and I have no intentions of seeking an annulment. I wait until we are seated for dinner. My father looks uncomfortable, and I don’t blame him. The whole setup is unfair to Marian, Ruby, and me.
“Here, have some potatoes,” my mother says, pushing a dish toward me. “I know how much you love them.”
“I won’t stay for dinner,” I tell her pleasantly.
She goes very still. “I don’t understand.”
I turn to Ruby. “I’m sorry that my mother invited you here under false pretenses. I’m very much married, and my wife, Marian, and I are not seeking an annulment, as my mother told you.”
Mother has the grace to lower her gaze.
Ruby looks confused, but she recovers fast. “We can still have dinner and catch up. We were friends once.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry.” I push my chair back and stand up. “Goodnight.”
Chapter 33
Marian
Instead of driving straight home when I get to LA, I go to Brooke’s house as per her non-negotiable instructions. I know she’s worried, but I am off the cliff now. I’m not a danger to myself anymore, but when I think of how close I came to making a terrible decision, my insides turn to water.
I park my car on the street in front of their house and get out of the car. Brooke comes out and waits for me on the porch. She opens her arms when I reach her, and I fall into them.
“Oh, Marian,” she says and then pulls me into the house. “Let’s go to the kitchen. I’m addicted to tea.”
“Why aren’t you at work?” I ask. Brooke is a vet. The best in LA as far as Jason and I are concerned. “I hope it’s not because of me.”
“Don’t worry about that; I’ll go back tomorrow,” she says, dismissing my question with a wave.
I slide onto the island counter stool and watch her as she makes tea and gets the coffee machine going. Her tummy is a little rounded now. A wave of sadness comes over me.
Minutes later, Brooke joins me on the island with the coffee and tea. I wrap my hands around the coffee mug, seeking warmth, even though it’s not cold.
“How are you?” Brooke says, a look of worry on her face.
“I’m good, really good, thanks to you.”
“Were you really considering getting back together with Leonard?” she asks, unable to disguise the horror in her voice and face.
I nod. “I think that for a few seconds there, I lost my mind. Leonard is good at mind games, and he caught me at a vulnerable point in my life.”
“Because of the non-pregnancy,” Brooke says.
“Yes. I wanted a baby so badly. My twisted mind started to think that maybe Samantha and I could heal each other.”
“And the only way to make Samantha your baby was to be married to her dad,” Brooke says.
I let out a cynical laugh. “Pure insanity. Can you imagine contemplating going back to such a monster?”
“You were in a bad place. It was the wrong time for you to go to Arlen,” Brooke says.
“I know. I was so tired of acting strong and okay with the news that I was not pregnant.”
“Why didn’t you talk to Declan? He’s been fantastic so far from what you’ve told me,” Brooke says.
“I didn’t want to show him that side of me. What if he got impatient with me?”
“But you don’t know that, Marian. Give him a chance,” Brooke says. “It’s not fair to prosecute and judge him based on your own mistrust.”
“I know.” I’m miserable and disappointed with myself.
“Okay, that’s Declan. How about me? I’m sorry, but I’m going to scold you. I can’t believe you’d keep such momentous news from me,” Brooke says. “You’re my sister, Marian.”
Tears spring into my eyes. “I don’t know why I’ve been so fucked up in the last couple of weeks, but I’m going to change. I’m really, really sorry. I love you and Jason; you know that.”
“And we love you, and we want to be there for you always,” Brooke says.
I inhale deeply. “I didn’t want to bother you because of the baby,” I say softly.
“I thought that was the real reason,” Brooke says. “Unnecessary, and don’t think that I don’t understand how hard this is for you. Me being pregnant and you wanting to and it’s not happening.” She places her hand on mine. “It will happen. For real next time.”
“Thanks, Brooke,” I say.
“I did some research for you and found this wonderful therapist,” Brooke says, careful with every word. “What do you think?”
I’m silent for a moment. “Honestly, I’m okay now.”
“If you feel you need her—” Brooke says.
“I promise, I’ll see her if I go there again,” I say.
She smiles. “Okay.”
We talk about her baby a little. It doesn’t make me feel bad that Brooke is pregnant and I’m not. Our situations are vastly different, and besides, she got pregnant way before I did.
I’m dreading going home and having to face Declan, but he texts me at three in the afternoon, saying he’s home, and I’ve no choice but to leave.
“Will you tell him?” Brooke asks me as she walks me to the car.
“I can’t,” I tell her. “He’ll worry every time I have to go to Arlen.” That’s not the real reason. I can’t bear to expose myself like that to Declan.
I don’t want him to see how weak I am.
“That’s part of building trust in a relationship, Marian,” Brooke says. “You have to let him in if the marriage is to work.”
It’s easy for Brooke to say that. It’s different for her and Jason. Declan and I are practically married strangers. I conveniently forget that Brooke was in an almost similar situation as I am.
She and Jason were shoved together by tragedy, and even though her brother and Jason were friends, she didn’t really know him.
“I’ll see,” I say vaguely, having no intention whatsoever of telling Declan how close I came to fucking up my life.
“Bye,” she calls as I drive off.
I’ll push the whole sorry episode to the back of my mind and continue with my life. People do stupid things at least once in their lives. This one is mine.
I inhale deeply as I get off onto my street. My heart pounds hard against my chest. I see Declan’s car in the driveway, and suddenly I can’t wait to see him. I feel like it’s been months, and it’s only been two days. I grab my bag from the back seat and hurry in.
He flings the door open before I touch it and for a moment, all I can do is stare at him. A feeling of finally being home comes over me. Declan opens his arms, and I drop my bag and run into them. He wraps his arms around me, and I want to burst into tears from happiness.
After what seems like hours of just standing there, clinging to him, he finally extricates himself and grabs my bag.
“I’ve missed you,” Declan says.
“Me too.” I hadn’t realized how much until I saw him. “I’ll make some coffee.” Declan takes my bag upstairs while I go to the kitchen. I look around my home and appreciate it more than I ever did.
It’s good to be in my own space.
“So, tell me,” Declan says when he returns to the kitchen. “How was Arlen? What did Leonard want? You were scanty with the details on the phone.” He sits on the stool.
I hesitate for a moment. “Nothing important. Just being his usual stubborn self. Your idea was good. I’ll just ignore him until he’s ready to sign the damn thing. What about you? Anything new?”
Luckily, Declan doesn’t realize how little I’ve actually told him. He launches into the happenings at the pizza shop, and I’m shocked that people can do that. Act as a delivery company for a company that doesn’t even know it.
“That’s crazy,” I say.
“That was my reaction too,” Declan says.
I’m glad that Declan and I have a business in common. We talk about that all afternoon until shadows form around us.
“We should think about dinner,” Declan says. “Do you want to go out?”
“No,” I say. “The ideas I have for the evening won’t work well with an audience.” I make my voice husky and suggestive.
Desire jumps into Declan’s eyes. “Oh yeah. I’m sure I can rustle up some sandwiches for dinner.”
“Later.” I slide off the stool and move to the door. I turn back, and with a crook of my index finger, I beckon him to follow me.
I need a shower, but I need Declan with me. I need to feel his hard, masculine body against mine. He’s right behind me as I go up the stairs to my room and straight to the shower.
“I need company,” I tell him as I begin to strip off my clothes.
Declan follows suit, his heated gaze on me. Declan has a way about him that makes me feel like I belong on the cover of playboy magazine. He makes me feel ten feet tall and just as sexy.
When we’re both naked, he takes my hand and leads me into the shower. He turns the water on and pulls me into his arms. His hands circle me to cup my ass, and I palm his chest, loving the feel of hard muscle underneath.
His cock presses against my body, making me tremble with thoughts of how it will feel to have him fill me completely. Is it possible for a woman to be addicted to sex with a particular man?
“You look so thoughtful,” Declan says, sliding his hand along my jawline. He brushes my lips with his then stares into my eyes.
“I was wondering whether it’s possible to be addicted to sex with someone?” I murmur.
He chuckles softly. “That would make two of us.” The hand on my ass pulls me against the hardness of his cock.
Arousal juices pour out of me and coat my thighs. I wrap my hands around his neck, crushing my breasts against his chest, and open my mouth in an invitation.
He brings his lips to mine, and as soon our mouths touch, time stops, and all I can think of is how awesome it feels to kiss him. His woodsy scent surrounds me as our tongues do a dance of their own. My skin feels as if it’s been lit on fire.
He tastes of coffee and a sweet scent that is distinctly Declan. He rocks softly against my thighs as though he can’t wait to penetrate me. I drop one hand between us and wrap it around his cock. I gasp into his mouth.
I’d forgotten just how hard Declan gets. Like a steel rod. My whole body trembles at the thought of having it inside me, pushing my pussy walls and making me breathless.
Declan groans and rocks into my hand. His cock is already wet from precum, and as he rocks, the sticky liquid spreads to the rest of it. I love foreplay as much as the next woman, but right now, I can’t wait. A sense of urgency comes over me. As if I’ll die if he doesn’t take me right then and there.
I turn around in a pose I know that Declan cannot resist. His favorite bathroom style. I place my palms on the wall and bend over, sticking my ass in the air.
“Damn, woman,” he growls before I feel him behind me stroking my ass before his hand slides between my legs to my pussy. It’s my turn to groan when his big hand cups my pussy.
“Is this all mine?” he says.
Intense guilt floods me when I remember how close I came to throwing away what we have. “Yes,” I manage to say.
I writhe when he brushes his fingers along my soaking wet slit. “I’m ready for you,” I tell him.
He replaces his fingers with his cock and brushes it up and down.
I buck my hips in an effort to take it in. “Please,” I whimper. I feel as if I’m going to lose it completely if I don’t have him. Now.
He must sense the urgency in my voice. I feel his cock at the entrance of my pussy, before he plunges it in, deep into me. I feel it in my stomach before Declan withdraws again and plunges it back in forcefully.
Screams fill the shower cubicle, and it takes a moment to realize that they are coming from my mouth. The sweetness of having his cock inside me is akin to the first time we had sex.
He gets into a rhythm and mutters sweet words into my ear. Words that inflame me further. Words that remind me what a fool I am if I was willing to give up what we had for what? For another lie.
Waves of pleasure consume me, and soon I’m screaming as an orgasm washes over me like a sudden storm.
Chapter 34
Marian
I can’t believe that I’m here. Not that there’s anything wrong with Dr. Frost. She’s kindly and warm, and she has that way about her that makes you want to tell her everything.
I sit stiffly in my chair with my hands folded on my lap as she goes on about confidentiality and so on. Sort of like the safety briefing you get before an airplane takes off. I hope the session goes fast. I have a final walkthrough with Mark and Brenda, a couple getting married on Saturday.
I don’t know what ma
de me text Brooke and ask her for the number of the therapist. Okay, I do know. Declan has been talking about the baby, inviting me to talk it over with him. But I can’t. I feel like a fool on two levels. One, for my body lying to me that I was pregnant. I’ve never heard of such a thing before me. Second, for grieving over it. So, I’ve been slapping on a smile and telling Declan that I’m okay and I’ve moved on.
Except that I haven’t. I’ve been feeling myself slipping into desperation mode. Or crazy mode, if I’m to be honest with myself. And so, here I am.
When she’s done, she smiles at me. “How can I help you, Miss Stevens?”
That question makes me want to get up from my chair and bolt from the room. “Please call me Marian.”
“Okay,” she says. “So this is your first time seeing a therapist?”
“Yes.”
“It’s always nerve-wracking the first time. That’s normal,” she says.
I let out a shaky laugh. I look away toward the window. Maybe if I’m not looking at her, the words will come out easier. I start haltingly at first, but I quickly gain momentum as I return to my life with Leonard.
As I talk about it, the fact that I actually considered going back to him horrifies me. Leonard is an evil person. There is no other word to describe him. Saying the words out loud, describing the kind of things he did to make my life miserable is a wake-up call. Shame comes over me as the words fall out of my mouth. It makes me question myself. What did I think of myself to allow someone to trample on my self-esteem like that? My heart expands to painful proportions.
Is that who I am? A woman who falls in love and gives the man the key that decides how she’ll live? How he’ll treat her? Tears flow from my eyes.
“Why are you crying?” Dr. Frost asks me softly.
“Because I’m the one who gave him that power over me.”
That hurts. The knowledge that Leonard did not do it to me. I did it to me. I hurt myself. Losing Lilly was no one’s fault but mine. The best way I could have protected her was by leaving Leonard.
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