by Lucy Gordon
‘More than anything in the world?’ Roscoe echoed slowly. ‘More than everything we could have together? More than the love we would share over the years, more than our children, our grandchildren?’
‘Stop it,’ Pippa whispered. ‘Please, please stop it.’
He moved closer, not holding her, but letting her feel the warmth of his breath on her face.
‘No, I won’t stop it,’ he whispered. ‘I won’t stop because I’m going to make sure that you remember me. I won’t let you just shut me out as though our love didn’t count. Do you think I’m going to let you off so easily? I’m not. I’m going to make sure you remember me every moment.’
Now he touched her, laying his mouth against hers, caressing her with his lips, then whispering, ‘Feel me, and remember me. I’ll always be here. You’ll never be rid of me, do you understand?’
‘Yes,’ she murmured. ‘I don’t want to be rid of you, but I can’t be with you. I’d make you wretched and destroy you, and I won’t do that.’
‘Tell me that you love me.’
‘I love you-I love you-’
‘And you belong to me.’
‘Yes, I belong to you, and I always will. But please go away, Roscoe-please forget me-’
‘Never in life. When I leave this room I’ll be with you. When you wake up tomorrow morning I’ll be with you. When you go to bed I’ll be with you. When you dream of love and feel hands touching and caressing you, they’ll be my hands, although I may be far away. As the years pass I’ll be with you. I won’t set you free-ever.’
His kiss intensified. She felt his mouth crushing hers for one fierce moment, before it softened again, leaving only tenderness behind. Then she was alone and he was backing away to the door, not taking his eyes from her.
‘Forgive me,’ she cried. ‘Forgive me!’
‘Perhaps,’ he said quietly. ‘One day.’
He walked out.
An unexpected knock on her door turned out to be Charlie, dressed in a heavy overcoat, swathed in a scarf.
‘It’s freezing out there,’ he said, coming in. ‘I came because I wanted to tell you myself. Even if I don’t win the show, my agent has fixed me up with a load of dates and I’m on my way.’
He finished with a yell of triumph and they embraced eagerly.
‘Is Ginevra pleased for you?’ she asked.
‘Probably. We’re not in touch. Last I heard from her was a text wishing me luck and saying not to contact her any more.’
‘Do you mind?’
‘Nope. There’s a girl…well, anyway…’
‘Have fun,’ Pippa chuckled. ‘You’ve been taking things too seriously for too long.’
‘Well, that’s over and I’m glad. I swear I’ll never take anything seriously again.’
‘How’s Roscoe coping with the change in you?’
‘Resigned, I think. I hardly see him now. Since the tie-up with Vanlen came to nothing, he’s in the office all the time.’
‘There’s not going to be a merger?’
‘No. I’m not sure what happened but I’ve heard there was a big row. Vanlen wanted to go ahead and merge; Roscoe didn’t. Vanlen made threats; Roscoe told him to do his worst. Vanlen stormed off.’ Charlie suddenly became awkward. ‘Actually, I thought you might have seen Roscoe more recently.’
‘The last time I saw him was at your mother’s house on the night of the show, and I only went because you assured me he wouldn’t be there.’
He was wide-eyed. ‘Did I say that? I don’t remember.’
‘Stop telling porkies. You promised I wouldn’t bump into him. But he said you knew he’d be there. How did you get that so wrong, Charlie?’
‘Ah-well-’
She surveyed him suspiciously. ‘You set us up to meet, didn’t you?’
‘Who, me?’ His air of innocence was perfectly contrived, and she would have believed it if she hadn’t known him so well by now.
‘Yes, you.’
‘How can you think that I-? Oh hell, yes of course I did. I was hoping the two of you would see sense if I helped things along.’
‘You’ve got an almighty nerve, playing Cupid.’
‘Why shouldn’t I? I need a big sister, and I’ve chosen you. Besides which, it’s always handy having a lawyer in the family. There are bound to be times in the future when-well, you know.’
Her lips twitched. ‘Yes, I do know.’
Charlie became briefly serious. ‘But that’s not really the reason, Pippa. Both Mother and I want you in the family because you make Roscoe human. Without you he’ll go to the dogs.’ He resumed his clowning manner. ‘So get on with it, OK? Right, now I’ve got to go. I just wanted to see you again and say thanks for everything.’
He gave her a brotherly kiss and was gone, taking with him her last connection with Roscoe.
At their parting she’d said a final goodbye, but still she clung to the hope that he would refuse to accept her rejection. But he neither called her nor turned up on her doorstep. In the next few days their only contact was a letter:
I had a long talk with Mother last night. I think we were both equally surprised that it was possible, but once we started it grew easier. She told me how she’d felt, things that I hadn’t known, and actually asked my forgiveness if she’d failed me. I told her there was nothing to forgive. Without you, it would never have happened. For the rest of my life you can ask anything of me that you wish and it will be yours. As I am yours.
It was signed simply, Roscoe.
He had said that she would never be alone and she found that, mysteriously, it was true. The apartment echoed with emptiness, yet he was always present, along with her other silent companions. There was Dee, accusing her of cowardice, and Mad Bruin, echoing Dee’s thoughts, as he always had.
Cowardice? Am I really a coward?
If you had any real nerve, Dee told her, you’d go back to Trafalgar Square and face that Christmas tree and those carols.
That’s what you’d have done, isn’t it? But I’m not brave enough. I’d always be watching Roscoe, wondering if his love was failing, and I won’t do that to him.
It’s nearly Christmas. Soon the lights will go out and it’ll be too late for another year. It’s now or never.
Then let it be never. Better for him. I’d only break his heart.
Yet she began wandering past Trafalgar Square every night on her way home, standing there, apart from the crowd, trying to listen to the carols without hearing them. But it was no use. The darkness did not lift and after standing in the cold for an hour she would turn and make her way drearily to the nearest underground station, trying to find relief in the thought that this self-inflicted punishment would soon be over, and she could be strong for another year.
‘I won’t go back in the future,’ she murmured. ‘I can’t.’ Just one last visit, she thought. Then never again.
‘And you’ll come with me,’ she said, taking up Mad Bruin from his place by her bed. ‘We’ll say goodbye together, then maybe you’ll understand and stop nagging me. And tell her to stop nagging me. Not that she ever does stop. Look at that.’
The exclamation was drawn from her by one of Dee’s diaries, on which Bruin had been sitting, and which fell to the floor when he was moved. Picking it up, Pippa found it falling open at a page in the centre. Dee had written:
I suppose I’m a bit mad. I swore I’d never marry him. I even ended our engagement. That broke my heart. I thought I was doing the best thing, but who gave me the right to decide for both of us? When he came back to me, injured, vulnerable, I knew that my place was by his side, no matter what.
We’re marrying now because I’m pregnant, so I don’t know if he really loves me. But IT DOESN’T MATTER. I love him, and that’s what matters. Nobody knows the future. You can only love and do your best. Perhaps it won’t work. Perhaps he’ll leave me.
Here some words were scribbled in the margin. Pippa just managed to make out her grandfather’s writing: Daft woman! As thou
gh I could.
Dee went on:
I’ll take that risk and, at the end, whenever and whatever the end will be, I’ll be able to say that I was true to my love.
‘You were so strong,’ Pippa murmured. ‘If only I could be like you. But I can’t.’
She put the diary carefully into a drawer, then tucked Bruin into her bag and hurried out.
She could hear the carol singers from a distance and ran the last few yards, suddenly eager to see the beautiful tree, its lights streaming up into the darkness, promising hope. That hope would never be hers, but she would carry the memory of this night all her life.
A vendor was wandering through the Square, holding up sprigs of mistletoe and doing a roaring trade as couples converged on him, paying exorbitantly for tiny sprigs, then immediately putting them to good use. Tears sprang into Pippa’s eyes as she watched them.
All around her people were singing. Someone was yelling, ‘Come on, everyone. Join in.’
But she couldn’t join in. That was the one final step that was still beyond her courage. Sadly, she pressed Bruin against her cheek before turning away.
But then someone crashed into her from behind and made her fall to the ground, sending him flying.
‘No,’ she cried. ‘Where are you-where-?’
‘It’s all right; I’ve got him,’ said a familiar voice, and she found herself looking into Roscoe’s eyes.
He helped her to her feet and pressed Bruin back into her hands. ‘Take care of him.’
‘How long have you been there?’ she stammered.
‘Since you arrived. And last night, and the time before. I know why you’ve come here and I’ve followed, hoping that what you found here would make you believe in me again.’
‘But I do believe in you. It’s myself I don’t believe in. I’m afraid.’
‘You? Never. You’re not afraid of anything.’ He made a wry, gentle face. ‘Many people are afraid of me. Not you. That was the first thing I liked about you.’ He went on, almost casually, ‘I could do with you around just now. Vanlen’s turning nasty and your moral support would mean a lot to me.’ He gave a small grin. ‘Plus, of course, your legal expertise.’
‘I heard the merger was abandoned and he didn’t like it.’
‘Since a certain night, I want nothing further to do with him. He blames me for you knocking him back.’ He gave a grunt of laughter. ‘If only I could believe that. I could hardly tell him that you have no more use for me than for him.’
‘That’s not true; you know it’s not,’ she whispered. ‘It’s because you matter so much that I-’
‘If I could have spoken freely I’d have told him that you’re a woman so special that I’d take every threat he could throw at me, make any sacrifice asked and call it cheap at the price. Except that there is no price. There never was and there never could be. What isn’t given freely has no value.’
Pippa clutched her head, almost weeping. ‘You make it sound so wonderful, but I have nothing to give.’
‘That’s not true. You’ve already given me things that matter a million times more than anything else in my life. If you choose to be more generous it will be the most precious gift of all. If not, I’ll always live in the knowledge that I knew the most glorious woman in the world, and my life was better for knowing her.
‘If you won’t marry me, Pippa, I’ll never marry anyone else. I’ll live alone, dreaming of you. It’ll be a sad life when I think of what could have been mine instead. Will you abandon me to that loneliness? Do you love me so little that you’ll do that to me?’
‘No,’ she cried. ‘I love you with all my heart; it’s just that…the fearful part of me is still fighting it. If only I could…if only…’
Everything in her yearned towards him. If only she could find the inspiration that would take her that last step into the unknown.
But it wasn’t unknown. It was filled with problems, fears, difficulties, but also with love. That much she knew. As for whether the love would be enough, that was up to her, wasn’t it?
Nobody knows the future. You can only love and do your best.
Dee’s words seemed to echo so resoundingly that she gasped and looked up, almost expecting to see the mysterious presence.
‘Where are you?’ she whispered.
Here, the presence replied. Here, there and everywhere. In your heart.
‘What is it?’ Roscoe asked.
‘Nobody knows the future,’ Pippa repeated slowly. ‘You can only love and do your best. She knew that. She tried to tell me.’
Roscoe had laid all that he was, all he had and all he ever could be at her feet. He could do no more. Now the future lay in her hands.
‘Roscoe,’ she said, reaching out to him, ‘if only I could-’
‘But you can,’ he said. ‘You can if you believe. We can do it together because now I know the way.’
The choirmaster was just waiting to start the next carol. Roscoe tugged at his arm, spoke a few words and the man nodded. The next moment the first notes of ‘A New Day Dawns’ floated out on the air.
‘Not that one,’ she said quickly.
‘Yes, that one,’ he said. ‘That’s the one that haunts you, and once we’ve defeated it together, the way is clear for us. Don’t you see?’
‘Yes, I do, but-’ Still the fear lurked.
He took her face between his hands.
‘No buts. From now on we face everything together, including this. Especially this. So now you’re going to sing this with me. Understand?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered.
‘Then do it. Do it now, I order you. Yes, I’m a control freak and a manipulator, but so are you. When we’re married I’ll give my orders and expect you to do as I say. But be honest, my darling. You’ll give your orders and expect me to do as you say. And I will. In the end we’ll know each other so well that nobody will have to give orders. We’ll each know how to please the other.
‘And, since you’re a bigger control freak than I am, it’ll be me doing most of the obeying. But this time it’s me giving the orders. Sing with me, for this hope is ours and it’s time to claim it.’
Around them the voices rose, seeming to shimmer with the lights that glowed up high, to the star at the top of the tree, blazing against the darkness.
‘A new day dawns, a child is born.
Behold the shining star,’
‘Sing,’ he said. ‘Sing with me. Sing.’
And suddenly she could do so, clinging to him for the strength only he could give her. Now and only now the words would come.
‘It leads us on to hope revived,
New day, new hope, new life’
It was there, the miracle she’d thought could never happen, rolling back the fear, setting her free, but only free as long as he was there.
She saw the question in his eyes and nodded as their voices rang out together.
‘For darkness flees the coming light,
And we are all reborn.’
‘Reborn,’ she whispered.
‘Does that mean you’ll marry me?’
‘Yes, I’ll marry you.’
From his pocket he took a small box containing a diamond ring, which he slipped onto her finger. She gasped. ‘That’s your mother’s.’
‘She gave it to me. She said her time for wearing it was over, but yours had just begun. It’s her way of welcoming you into the family, but also-I don’t know how to put it-’
‘She gave it to you, not Charlie. That’s her way of opening her heart to you again, saying you’re her son?’
‘Yes. It’s taken so long. I thought I was resigned, but I wasn’t. After all these years it has brought me more joy than I can say, and that’s another thing I owe to you. You brought us together and helped us understand each other. I could never give this ring to anyone but you, and you must promise me to wear it all your life.’
‘I’ll wear it as long as you want me to wear it.’
‘All your life,’ he rep
eated.
A vendor glided past them, waving a sprig of mistletoe. ‘Go on, buy it,’ he begged. ‘Then I can go home.’
Roscoe grabbed the first note he came to and proffered it without looking to see how large it was. The vendor’s eyes opened wide and he vanished quickly.
Slowly, Roscoe raised the mistletoe over her head.
‘Do you remember what you said to that fool who let you slip through his fingers?’ he asked.
‘“This is where you’re supposed to kiss me”,’ she recalled.
‘Very willingly,’ he said, lowering his mouth to hers for the first kiss of their engagement.
She kissed him back fervently, trying to tell him that she was entirely his, despite her fears. With his help she would conquer them and be everything he wanted. Nothing else mattered in her life.
Afterwards they hugged each other. Later there would be passion, but just now what mattered was the warmth and comfort they could bring each other. As her spirit soared she even managed a tiny laugh.
‘What is it?’ he asked, lifting her chin and gazing searchingly into her face.
‘That was a twenty pound note you gave him.’
‘If it had been a million pounds it wouldn’t have begun to be enough for what I’ve won tonight.’
As they finally walked away, arms entwined, she murmured, ‘New day, new hope, new life. All the best things to wish for.’
‘I don’t have to wish for them,’ Roscoe said. ‘You have given them to me already, and they will last for ever.’
They set the wedding date for soon after Christmas. It would take place in the church belonging to the graveyard where they had first met, where Pippa’s family lay in the grounds. The day before, they paid a visit together and went to look at the graves of Mark and Dee. Roscoe brushed the snow away, revealing the faces beneath, not just happy, but with a contentment that spoke of many years of successful marriage.
‘I’m glad they’ll be at our wedding,’ she said.
