by Ward, Alice
Whereas Jace had been by my side the whole time, Sean had only stopped in a few times and had only stayed mere minutes. He still had to work since he wasn’t immediate family, but after everything, I guess I had expected a little more. Not that I needed it... but it was the principle of it all that hurt the most, that, after five years of spending time with my family, he couldn’t be more supportive at a time when we needed it the most.
After giving my mother a quick hug and saying goodbye to my brother (just in case), I walked through the door out into the hallway. I didn’t say a word as I made my way out to the parking lot; I inherently knew that Jace would follow. It took everything I had not to smile as he jogged to catch up with me, hollering after me as if he were worried that I’d lost my damn mind.
Maybe I had. But I knew exactly what I was doing in that moment.
When he finally caught up with me, he grabbed my wrist and whirled me around. When he saw the smile trying to pull at my lips weary face, he shook his head in confusion. “Andrea, where in the hell are you going?” he asked, scrunching his eyebrows.
“Taking you home.”
Again, I took off toward the parking lot, and again, he chased after me as if I’d gone crazy.
“I’m not going home, Andrea. I’m staying right here until you’re ready to go.”
God, the man really was a saint. “Not your home,” I said, unable to stop the light chuckle bouncing around in my chest as I made my way to the driver’s side door. It sounded a little hallow, but it was the best I’d sounded all week. “My parent’s house. You need to sleep.”
“I’m fine, Andrea,” he said, stopping at the rear of the car, arms crossed over his chest. “I know how to take care of myself.”
There were a million things I could have said, but the one thing I knew above all else about Jace Richardson was that he could be just as stubborn and determined as I was; arguing with him would get me nowhere, so instead, I climbed into the car, closed the door and started it up. When he still didn’t get in, I put my foot on the break, put the car in reverse and rolled down the window.
“You can stand there and get run over, or you can get in,” I yelled out the open window.
A few seconds later, a very huffy rocker god climbed into the passenger seat. He scowled at me, but the look in his eyes conveyed just how grateful he was for the moment of reprieve. He passed out before we even made it two miles down the road.
When we got to my parent’s house on the outskirts of Kent, I gently stirred him. “Jace,” I whispered, shaking his body just enough that it should wake him, but hopefully not so hard that I shocked him. “We’re here.”
“Huh? Where?” he asked, lifting his arm off his eyes and doing a quick look around, obviously still out of it from sleep. “Where are we?”
“My parents.” I opened the car door and then went around to the passenger side. He was still fumbling with his seatbelt when I opened it for him. God, he really was exhausted. It became even more evident as he struggled to get up the stairs to get to where my bedroom was. I was honestly starting to feel a little guilty for not noticing just how worn out he was until it had gotten to that point, but I also knew he’d done his best to hide it from me intentionally.
He had been so out of it, he hadn’t even noticed the posters, or the bed spread, or the knick knacks on my dresser—all still the same fangirl stuff as when I’d gone off to college. He just fell into the bed, fully clothed, shoes still on, legs hanging halfway off the bed. I smiled a little to myself before helping him slide his shoes off. I’d considered stripping him down, but I figured he didn’t really care so I lifted his feet onto the bed and then wrapped the covers around him.
Once Jace was tucked in and fast asleep, I looked for a set of pajamas in my dresser drawers. A shower and some sleep would probably do me some good as well. But first, I needed pizza. And some wine.
I walked downstairs to the kitchen, grabbed the phone book and looked for my favorite pizzeria, Amante. They had the best pizza in all of Washington State, and they delivered, which was pretty alright in my book. Perfect, actually. I decided to order a large Margherita, just in case Jace woke up hungry and then grabbed a glass of red wine and sat down on the couch to wait for my pizza.
I considered watching what I might have missed of Breaking Bad, but instead, I chose to watch an old movie—Sleepless in Seattle. I needed a good cry, one that no one could see, one that reminded me that I was, in fact, home.
Things didn’t look anything like I’d thought they would the next time I landed on Northwest soil, but I was there, nonetheless. And as Tom Hanks talked on the phone, standing outside his waterfront home, I let myself smell the ocean as if I were standing right there next to him. When he sat in the diner, talking about how he wasn’t sure how to date again, I thought about my own situation, how I wasn’t sure how to start over with someone new. But I was, in fact, doing just that right then and there.
When my pizza arrived, about twenty minutes into the movie, I opened the door to find the last person I ever expected to see on my doorstep, holding a pizza in his hands. “S-Sean? What are you doing here? With my pizza?”
“I—uh—I work at Amante,” he said, looking behind me into the house, as if he were trying to see who else might have been there with me.
I moved my head back into his line of sight to grab his attention. “Since when?”
“Since I lost my job,” he said, shrugging like we were talking about the weather.
“What?!” Thinking I might have heard him wrong, I squinted and turned my head so that one ear was closer to him.
He released a heavy sigh. “After my last trip to see you, they let me go. I didn’t have permission to leave. I fucked up, royally, in more ways than one. So, here I am.” He shrugged again and then held the pizza out to me like some sort of burnt offering. “Anyway, I saw your address come up and I figured I’d take the chance to come and see you. I have to work a lot of hours just to make ends meet and even picked up a few days at the market tossing fish. I—I’m sorry I haven’t been around with everything going on.”
I didn’t know what to say. Here I’d thought that he just didn’t care, but he’d been working his ass off, tossing fish and delivering pizza... because of me.
I glanced over my shoulder, although I couldn’t say why; Jace and I were the only ones there, and it wasn’t like he was going to come downstairs when he was passed out cold, but I did it anyway before turning back and asking Sean if he wanted to come in. A part of me hoped he’d accept, that maybe we could talk everything out and at least be friends, but another piece of me felt like it was wrong to have him inside right then.
Thankfully, he declined.
“I have to get back,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets after I took the pizza. “But it was nice seeing you, Andy. I—the offer is always there. I don’t have much to give you, and it wouldn’t look the same as we’d planned... but I am still here.”
With that, he turned and walked down the steps toward his car. He was climbing in and driving away when I realized that I’d never paid him for the food. I waved my arms, chased him down the driveway, but he didn’t stop. I was left standing out in the driveway, feet wet, cash in my hands, and heart in my throat. I knew it could be the last time I ever saw him, my last chance to say goodbye.
CHAPTER THREE
Somewhere between the New York scene of my movie and the fourth glass of wine, I passed out. I only knew because Jace was standing over me, sweeping the hair out of my face as he whispered my name. When I looked up at him through sleepy, half-opened eyes, he smiled.
“Hey,” he said, sitting down on the floor in front of me. “Is there any pizza left?”
I cleared the sleep from my throat and nodded. “In the fridge,” I said, pointing. I wondered for a second how he knew I’d even had pizza since I’d left half of it in the box and stashed it away for him for later, but when I sat up, I noticed the plate on the floor. Half a slice was still th
ere, just like I’d left it when I’d gotten too wrapped up in the movie to clean up.
Even though I’d spent pretty much every waking moment with this man for the past week, things felt a little awkward as he headed to the kitchen to warm up his pizza in the microwave. I reasoned that it was just me trying to merge the images of my past and my present—seeing Sean outside my door and not being sure whether or not he should come in while Jace stood there in my parent’s kitchen. But there was something else there... something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
That sense of dread only grew as he sat down next to me on the couch. He refused to even look at me; instead, he studied his plate, as if the pizza were more interesting than me.
Oh, God. This is it. He’s tired of me.
I wanted to scream or cry or at least beg him to give me another chance, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I could only sit and wait for the axe to drop. Wait for him to break the news. Listen as he cleared his throat and watch as he set his untouched plate aside.
“Andrea, I’m—I’m sorry to spring this on you at a time like this,” he said, glancing at me quickly before turning his eyes to the wall. “But I have to tell you.”
Tense seconds that felt like minutes passed. I was fighting to get air into my lungs, and he just kept staring at the wall. Then, finally, he opened his mouth to speak.
“Becca and Zane ran off and got married.”
My mouth flopped open and closed a few times and I’m pretty sure my heart stopped as it all started to sink in. “M—m-married?!” I screeched, finally finding my voice, although I wasn’t sure how. “What in the hell did they go and do a thing like that for?”
Still refusing to make eye contact, he shrugged. “I guess when you know, you know.”
“What kind of answer is that? And she didn’t call me? What the hell!” I started patting the blankets around me, searching for my phone. “I’m going to give her a piece of my fucking mind. Running off, getting married to a guy she just met, not even calling me.”
“Whoa, whoa. See?” He grabbed my hands and pulled them to his chest. “This is why she didn’t call you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I knew exactly what it meant. I was fuming, boiling, ready to strangle her. She was my best friend and I didn’t even get to see her in her wedding dress. And I was the one that had been planning to get married, not her. How could she do that to me when I was dealing with a brother that might not ever wake up...
“She knew you’d react this way. That’s why she didn’t tell you.”
Daggers flew from my eyes as I glared at Jace. “So you knew?” I seethed through clenched teeth. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t,” he said, shaking his head and throwing his hands up in innocent surrender. “Not until after the fact.”
“When? How? And more importantly, why?”
“Her phone call woke me up. They went to the justice of the peace. And they say they love each other.”
I let out a huff big enough to blow down a straw house. “Love? How do you love someone in just a week of meeting them?”
The look that come across Jace’s face, you’d think I’d slapped him. And that’s when I knew; this was more than just some crazy proposition. How much more, I couldn’t say, but he was definitely more invested than I’d ever even considered. It made sense, him chasing after me all the way to Seattle, just to be by my side, him staying to help out my family when we really needed it.
Only, I didn’t know what to say. I knew how I felt around him, but that wasn’t enough, not when you compared it to his reaction to my insensitive words. “Jace—“
“Andrea, it’s okay,” he said, shaking his head. But his eyes told a different story. So did the pained expression on his face.
“No, no it’s not okay. I—I’m sorry.” Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. All this time, I’d been so selfish, so blind, so wrapped up in my own head that I never even noticed. I could try to blame it on Cole being in the hospital, but the truth was, I should have seen it even sooner, the way he looked at me, touched me, had been there every single time I’d needed him—especially those times that I thought I didn’t.
He’d loved me, right from the start.
“Please, don’t be. You’re not ready, and that’s okay,” he said, taking my hands inside of his again. “I’m a patient man, and I can wait, for however long it takes.”
“But... that’s not fair,” I said, shaking my head, trying to keep the tears at bay. “You didn’t ask for this—this—my ridiculous mess.”
“Yes, I did.” He took my face in his hands and brought his forehead to rest against mine. “I knew what I was getting myself into. I hadn’t planned for this thing with your brother, but I knew you were going to take time to heal, to figure out what you want. And I knew there was a huge risk that you’d realize that I’m not it. I may be crazy, but I’m not deluded. I know this could end very badly for me.”
I wanted to tell him it wouldn’t.
I wanted to tell him that I loved him.
But no matter how hard I tried, the words just wouldn’t come, they wouldn’t push themselves past my lips. Instead, they bounced around in my aching heart and ripped me to shreds, told me that I never should have agreed to this because I was only going to hurt him.
I couldn’t be the girl he wanted or needed. I couldn’t be long-term rocker girlfriend material, even if I wanted to be. Sex behind the speakers might be fun for a while, but what about when it wasn’t? What about when I had my own career to worry about? And what about a family? He didn’t want one and I wasn’t sure either way.
“Stop.” His eyes narrowed at me.
“But—“
“No buts, Andrea,” he said, interrupting whatever ridiculousness was about to come out of my mouth. “If you take anything positive away from this thing with Cole, let it be that life is short. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, let alone next week or next year. This—“ He brought his lips to mine, claimed them with force. When he pulled away, he almost looked angry. “This is all we have. Right here. Right now.”
Damn it all if he wasn’t right. Damn it even more if that kiss hadn’t done something to me, made me feel something I hadn’t felt in days, since I’d first stepped on the plane—desire, want, need—and all of them so intense that I couldn’t think straight.
“Whoa, whoa. Slow down there,” Jace said, untangling himself from the limbs practically tackling him, stripping him of all his clothes.
My limbs.
Limbs that had taken over, had pushed out every thought just so I could feel something. Limbs that made me ashamed at my forwardness. Limbs that curled into me as I realized just how out of control I’d been just milliseconds before.
What was wrong with me?
“Andrea, hey, hey.” Jace cupped my chin in his hands and held my gaze, kept my eyes on his warm brown pools. That only added to my internal anguish, the storm that had been let loose inside.
Tears were streaming, hard and heavy down my face. Everything—the loss of my relationship with Sean, the critical condition of my brother, Jace at the waterfall, Jace there, with me, in my parent’s house, Becca, married to a guy she barely knew—it all came crashing down around me in that moment. And I couldn’t make any of it stop. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The numbness that had plagued me since the call from my mother had subsided and given way to all the things that had been buried beneath it—pain, anger, grief.
And it was all so overwhelming.
“Alright, let’s go upstairs,” he said, standing and then bending down to pick me up. He carried me up the stairs and tucked me into my bed. He looked conflicted as he stood next to me, as if he wasn’t sure if he should stay or go.
“Stay with me,” I pleaded, reaching out to grab a hold of his hand.
That was all he needed, permission to climb in next to me. Once he was under the covers, he rolled onto his back and pulled me part of the way on top o
f him so that I could hear his heart beating beneath my ear. I drifted off to sleep like that, listening to the steadiness of his heart, thinking how the man it belonged to was just as strong, steady, and sure.
I only hoped that never changed.
***
It was light outside by the time I awoke. I remember thinking that it was the sunshine that had stirred me, the panic of suddenly realizing that I’d slept all night and, not once, had I checked in to see how my brother was doing. But there was something else, some other reason that I’d bolted straight up in bed. Some other reason that my heart was beating a million beats a second.
My cell phone, ringing, and then the house phone, confirmed my theory. I knew it could only mean one thing... something was wrong.
Throwing the covers off of me, I flew out of the bed and ran for the connecting bathroom, where I’d left my clothes—and my cell phone—the night before. But once I finally fished it out of my back jeans pocket, as the device sat in my hands, ringing, I just stood there and stared at it. It was my mom, just as I feared. And now I didn’t have the nerve to answer, not when my heart felt like it had already stopped beating, not when my lungs had forgotten how to breathe, not when my hands were shaking so bad that it took everything I had not to drop the phone on the ground.
“Andrea,” Jace’s voice came from behind me. “What is it? What’s going on?”
The phone stopped ringing as I turned to face him. I didn’t have to see myself to know that I probably looked about as terrified as I felt. But I didn’t have an answer to his questions. I didn’t know because I couldn’t answer the phone. So instead, I held it out to him in a silent plea.
Jace nodded and then took it from my hands. No sooner than he unlocked the home screen, it started ringing again. He tilted his head down, gave me a pointed look and, without taking his eyes off of me, hit the answer button. The world stopped as he said hello. I knew the other shoe was about to drop and my life was about to be altered forever, that I’d said my final goodbye to my brother the night before.
