Push and Shove

by C. L. Stone

  I drew myself up until I was sitting, leaning back on my hands. “I don’t know what you want from me. First I’m supposed to be with Silas. Then we thought I might have to be Nathan’s girlfriend. Now you say we should switch and I should be with you. With Kota’s mom, I’m dating him. With your Uncle I’m with Luke. You ask me if I want you, and then tell me you think it’s a bad idea.”

  “We’ve been trying to make it easier on you,” North said. “The whole fucking set up is to keep your ass out of trouble.”

  “I don’t even know what that means. What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me?”

  North growled in a way that at first scared me, startling me out of my hyper rampage. He bolted forward, grasping me by the hips and pushing me until I was flat on my back against the bed. My thighs split, making room for his hips to wedge between them. He sank down until he was hovering over me.

  His lips met my skin at the corner of my mouth. He kissed me again down closer to my chin, and started a trail of kisses along my jaw. I gasped, my hands drifting up until my arms encircled his neck. My fingers weaved their way through the hair at the back of his head. My breath caught, my body reacting and I felt nearly paralyzed. I didn’t want to move, scared to death that he’d stop.

  “Why are we like this?” He breathed against my skin, then planted another kiss along my jaw. “Even when I’m pissed off at you, I want to kiss the shit out of you.”

  “North,” I whispered, suddenly unable to think of anything to say. I clung to him, desperate.

  “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he said, his lips making a trail along my jaw, sparking up my skin with every touch. His mouth parted, until his teeth grazed against my earlobe. His hand held the side of my face, encouraging me to tilt my head to expose more of my neck to him. “Baby, don’t let me.”

  I didn't want him to stop. Kota had said he couldn’t. I’d seen the way Luke, and Nathan, and even Victor hesitated. Whatever Academy rule prevented them from doing whatever it was they really wanted, I secretly hated. I thought if I could get anyone to break the rules, to show me exactly what they weren’t allowed to do with me, North would be the one.

  The darkness made it easier to find my courage. I leaned up, planting my lips against his cheek, close to his ear. I did what he did. I opened my mouth a little, running my lower teeth across the soft flesh just under his jawline. The coarse hair his jaw dragged against my lips. I moved my head a little, wanting to kiss his skin again, when his head tilted.

  At first I thought he was trying to pull away. In a desperate move, I gripped at him, trying to pull him back in. My mouth was open. He lowered himself again.

  My teeth met with his neck and I bit.

  The next growl that erupted from his lips didn’t scare me. A thrill crept up my spine. I didn’t know what I’d done. Confusion set in and I released him.

  “How did you do that?” North’s voice was guttural and low against my neck. “Fuck, Baby...”

  “Did it hurt?” I asked.

  “No.” His breath heated against my neck. “Do it again.”

  I hesitated at first, but my need to do what he so desperately wanted overtook me. I kissed at his neck, trying to find the right spot. I opened my mouth, my teeth met with his skin and I bit.

  “Harder,” he seethed.

  I sank my teeth in, enough to make indentations, but not enough to break the skin.

  North’s hips surged forward, grinding into my body. The edge of his hip bone clashed against mine. His hands found my sides, grasping, releasing and gripping me again. He moaned harshly against my neck.

  I released him, afraid to do it for too long.

  North relaxed, nearly laying on top of me, his mouth planted against my shoulder at the crook near my neck and his breath fell heavily against me. “Holy ... fucking shit.”

  “North?” I called softly, unsure. I was sure I’d hurt him.

  He nuzzled my neck. “I can’t believe... you... god.” His mouth parted, he planted a heavy kiss, sucking in part of the skin at my neck. He pressed his teeth against it.

  I tensed at first, absolutely sure he was going to bite me back and more than sure that it was going to hurt. I remembered when I was younger and Marie and I had scuffled as kids over a toy and she’d bitten my arm.

  North’s teeth sank into my skin.

  It was like tiny fireworks sparking from the edge of every single indentation he was making. The fireworks lit up, spreading to every inch of my body and exploding against my skin. My body surged, grinding up against his involuntarily. I couldn’t stop until my groin was pressing against his thigh, pulled by a force inside of me that I’d never known existed. Every last bit of my skin surged, tingling. My breath had stopped. My heart had stopped. My mind forgot everything.

  When he released my neck, my rigid body slowly settled back against the bed. My eyes popped open wide and I was staring up at North, shocked, dazzled. My heart started up again with a fury. My lungs sucked in air. I realized I’d been gripping the back of his neck, nails digging in. I released him.

  He backed his head away from my neck. His lips found my cheek. “You okay, Baby?” he breathed.

  I had no idea what just happened. Was that what it felt like when I’d bitten him? The power behind it was... I couldn’t describe it. Suddenly I remembered when Silas had slipped his fingers across my lower abdomen, causing feelings I hadn’t yet explored. The biting was more intense than that. “North,” I moaned, but my hands clutched his neck again, pulling him in.

  His head dipped, and he growled against my neck again before his teeth sank in heavily. His bite reclaimed me. New skin. New marks. My body seized up against his, the feeling just as intense. It electrified my chest. Unrelenting. Every nerve came alive.

  When his teeth released me, I moaned. A pitiful plea for mercy and yet begging for more all at once. The craving inside me was so intense, scary, overpowering.

  North dropped his head again, ready to take another bite, but I rose up, afraid of the feelings he had caused surging through me, wanting a moment to collect myself before he did it again. The only thing I could think of was to bite back. I found the edge of his neck just below his ear and bit down.

  North jerked his body down into mine. His hands grasped at my hips. He ground himself against me. A hardened length between his legs rubbed against my thigh. His stomach pressed against mine, pushing my body hard into the bed.

  “Fuck, Sang.” He gasped, sucking in a heavy breath against my ear. When I released him, he jerked back, tumbled sideways until he was flat on his back beside me on the bed. He pressed a palm to his forehead, breathing heavily as he stared up at the ceiling. “Holy shit. Where did you learn that?”

  “I didn’t,” I said. My hands fell over my chest, sliding up toward my neck, feeling the spots where he’d bitten. My body trembled at feeling his saliva still lingering on my skin, and the dense jolt of pain from touching the sore spots. “I didn’t know...”

  He rolled over onto his side. His hands found mine covering my neck. “Does it hurt now?”

  “No,” I said. While there was a pressure, the pain wasn’t horrible. I think I was scared of how I was feeling more. It didn’t hurt. It felt good. Biting my neck felt really good. “Did you feel that?”

  “Is that what happens when Nathan bites your fingers?” he asked.

  I shook my head. The first few times he bit my fingers, I felt something similar, but this was so beyond that. Nathan’s biting was a soft tickle compared. It wasn’t the same at all.

  North raked his fingers through his hair. He found my hand, picked it up and brought it to his lips. “Do you still like me?” he asked against my palm.

  “Yes,” I said, without hesitation. “Do you still like me?”

  North let a breath out slowly against my palm. He released my hand to hold on to my waist. He bent over me, until his face hovered over mine.

  I closed my eyes as the overwhelming feeling that he was about to kiss me su
rged through me. I was sure of it now. He’d bitten my neck. He liked me. He was going to show me with a kiss. My first real kiss would be with him and my heart raced, dazed with new sensations.

  North’s nose brushed against mine as he dipped in close, but he stopped. At first, I thought maybe he was drawing it out. Part of me was wondering how to kiss and I was preoccupied with how to position my lips.

  His face turned away. He captured my chin in his fingers, tilting my face to expose my neck. His lips kissed at the skin just under my jaw and he claimed my skin with a bite.

  My hips gyrated up, my heart beat wildly. My hands looked for something to grasp, finding his chest. My nails dug in.

  North moaned loud. His bite deepened as my grip hardened against his chest.

  When he finally released me and my mind could focus, I was suddenly struck with the realization that he hadn’t kissed me. Disappointment surged through me, causing a sadness and yearning I hadn’t felt before. Kota hadn’t kissed me. Nathan hadn’t kissed me. When I thought about it, everyone had gotten close, not one had done it. North was right here, right in front of me. His lips and mouth were doing things around my face and neck, but he avoided my lips.

  Through a desperate anger sweeping over me, I leaned up, finding a fresh spot at his neck and bit down. I wanted to hide my feelings and get rid of the emotion in my throat. I wanted to drive a kiss out of him somehow.

  North growled, his hand grasping at my hip. I felt his body shudder. “Baby,” he moaned. “We need to stop.”

  A tear caught at the corner of my eye, and I was grateful for the darkness that hid it. I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to quit until he kissed me. Maybe if I bit him enough, he’d do it.

  When my hands gripped at his chest again, he released me, seizing my fingers and drawing them up to my mouth. He dropped his head, and I knew he was going to kiss me on the mouth but over my fingers.

  Another wave of fresh anger swept through me. He couldn’t kiss me! How ridiculous. Something so simple, so elementary, so basic to any relationship. Karen had said once guys should do it first. I’d been waiting for them to do that and felt them get close but then they backed away, making me think something was wrong with me. Here he was biting me and he was going to play this game and avoid kissing me. He’d kissed me everywhere else, but not on the lips.

  I groaned, tugging my hand away and pushed at his chest just to lift him out of range of kissing my lips.

  North released another growl but remained where I wanted him. “Fuck,” he said. He met my eyes. “We can’t ... Sang Baby... please.”

  But I lowered my head further. My hands felt for a soft spot on his chest. I dropped my lips to kiss at the spot.

  “Baby,” he called, his hands surrounding me, his fingers threading through my hair.

  I parted my teeth, biting down.

  For a moment, North sucked in a breath, holding it. His hands at my head grasped me so hard, it felt like he was trying to bury me into him. His hips gyrated up, the same fleshy hardness at his groin struck up right against my pelvic bone.

  I had a fleeting moment of knowing what this was, but I was concentrating on not biting him too hard, and trying to show him how I felt.

  North sat up sharply. He pushed me off, getting up quickly until his feet were on the floor, his back turned to me.

  I fell back against the bed, surprised at how he had pushed me away, surprised at myself for going so far. I’d just bit his chest. I didn’t even know if that was okay. What was wrong with me?

  North swallowed heavily, his breathing ragged. He raked fingers through his hair again and again. “Baby, you can’t do that.”

  “It hurt? I’m sorry.” I became angry with myself. It was stupid! I’d made a mistake. I’d hurt him.

  “No,” he said, squashing my thoughts. “You can’t push a man that far. There comes a point to where you aren’t able to stop.”

  “Stop what?” I asked.

  He dipped his head, pushing a palm to his eye. He stood up, marched over to the bathroom and slammed the door closed.

  I sat up, puzzled. A sudden wave of loneliness and anger swept over me. Emotion lumped into my throat. North had been so close to kissing me, and he up and left.

  I fell back into the bed, tears stinging my face. I found a pillow, shoving it against my cheeks and bit at the cloth, trying to force out the frustration. He’d shown me how far he could go, how far the Academy would allow. I wanted to know, and then I hated knowing.

  Academy boys couldn’t kiss me. Could they kiss anyone? Why did North ever talk about our first kiss? Why did Luke? The others seemed to want to, but never did. What did it mean? Couples kissed. They did it so easily. Sometimes I’d heard of girls who had just met a guy, gone out with him one night, kissed him, made out with him. For so long I thought the boys wanted me as a friend, and in small ways they drew me in closer until I thought they wanted more.

  Whatever rule prevented them from kissing me, I wanted to know why. I bit back my own tears, smothering them into the pillow. I thought of how he’d dodged answering whether he wanted me for his girlfriend or not. Mr. Blackbourne had said something about their special section in the Academy, and how dating was difficult for them. Was this all part of it?

  In that moment, I hated the Academy. I hated what it had done for me. I wanted North to come back. I wanted to break the rules. I supposed there wasn’t probably a rule about biting, or kissing on the cheek. I’d done those things to them. They’d returned it, but stopped when it came to kissing or getting much closer. Biting was allowed but I wondered if it was because perhaps they never thought biting would happen, and he’d discovered he liked it. Kota’s nuzzling me was allowed. Kissing wasn’t.

  Not on the mouth.

  Not with me.

  And perhaps that was why we could only pretend to date. We could only pretend to be going out. It couldn’t be real because the Academy said we couldn’t. North was being indirect, specifically not answering me because he couldn’t and maybe didn’t want to hurt me.

  When I couldn’t breathe against the pillow, I dropped it back onto the bed, glaring up at the ceiling. For a brief moment, I thought maybe I should back off from the guys. My whole world was crazy, complicated, ever since they walked in. They’d saved my life so many times, and I would be forever grateful to them. Now when I was feeling so close, they pushed me away.

  No kissing.

  No dating.

  No Academy boyfriend. Not for real.

  Only, as I thought about what it would be like to be without them, I couldn’t imagine it. What if my parents came back, and we went back to the routine we’d lived before? Could I ever look at my mother again, seeing those eyes that never saw me, knowing she loathed that I existed? Could I ever listen to her demands again and take them seriously?

  Could I ever live a day without hearing from the boys? They were my world now. My heart ached at the thought of North being in the bathroom now, without me. I wanted him back. I wanted Kota. I missed Nathan, and Silas, and Gabriel, and Luke ... everyone. All of them. I wanted North, but I felt a million miles away from the other only people who made me feel alive and wanted.

  I turned over, curling up in the bed, repositioning the pillow. My brain couldn’t process this horrible mess I was in any more. I cared about them, I knew that much. Other words tripped over my tongue about how I felt, but I wouldn’t let myself formulate those thoughts. They were too scary.

  I was barely awake when North returned. He sank into the bed next to me. He tucked the covers around me before settling in.

  I sank deeper into the pillow. I think I mumbled his name. I felt a kiss on my forehead, and then I felt nothing.

  PEEK-A-BOO

  A vibration sound woke me, plastic clattering against wood. My eyelids were heavy, and my body felt like elephants had trampled me while I slept.

  I sensed movement next to me. My eyelids opened into tiny slits. North had his head picked up off the pillow, g
lancing at something.

  “Sang,” he grumbled in a low gruff voice, deep and thick with sleep.

  “Mmm.” It was all I could muster.

  “Phone’s for you.”

  I sucked in some air through my nose and pressed against the bed, rising slowly until I was kneeling. My eyes fell over the hotel room, the sensation of not knowing where I was sweeping through me quickly. I shook it off and climbed over North to reach for my phone on the nightstand.

  North turned as I pushed on him. He drew the blanket up over his head.

  I pushed the buttons to find that Gabriel had called twice. I sighed. I missed him, too.

  I knee-walked to the edge of the bed as I pushed the button to return the phone call.

  Gabriel answered after a half ring. “Where the hell are you?”

  I sucked in the morning air, stretching as I glanced around the hotel room. “We didn’t leave the state ... I don’t think.”

  North chuckled underneath the blanket.

  “Are you coming back or what?” Gabriel asked.

  “Where are you?” I asked.

  “At your house,” he said. “Victor and I stayed to help clean up this shit. Nathan got called in because North isn’t at the diner when he was supposed to be, and Kota’s got to go in for Academy because of last night and you’re not even here.”

  “Oh,” I said. I knew I should feel like going back, but I was so tired, I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I thought even if I did come back, I’d want to sleep. I yawned, trying to talk at the same time. “How bad is it?”

  “I hope you wanted new paint in the living room, because that’s happening.”

  I couldn’t imagine what the people did to my walls that would require painting. “Everyone is okay though, right?”

  “Marie’s in her room and hasn’t come out yet. Danielle’s up there with her. The little vixens aren’t lifting a finger.”

  “Tell him to fuck off,” North said, grunting but not moving.

  “Was that North?” Gabriel asked. “Tell him to get your ass back here.”

  I stepped away from North toward the window. The heavy curtain made it deceptively dark. I pushed aside the curtain a little, just to peek outside.