By dating actors, you think they’ll let you in on the act. Most of the time, though, there’s only five stages of grief to be found.
But not yet! This is a sweet scene. Because it really was a sweet thing, while it lasted.
Three chairs are moved onto the stage, to simulate movie theater seats.
PHIL WRAYSON:
I’ll see you all later.
Tiny comes bounding onstage in a new outfit, holding a movie theater bucket of popcorn.
JIMMY (EX-BOYFRIEND #5):
Tiny! Over here!
TINY (clearly excited about a date):
Hey!
JIMMY:
I hope these seats are good?
TINY:
Whenever I have a dream that takes place in a movie theater, if it’s a good dream, I am sitting in these exact seats.
They move to sit down, Tiny first. As he’s sitting down in his seat, he puts the bucket of popcorn on the seat next to him. Jimmy, thinking this means Tiny is going to keep it there, sits down in the seat next to it. Tiny realizes this too late, and keeps the bucket in between them.
JIMMY:
I’m so glad it’s summer. And I’m so glad we have a chance to hang out!
TINY:
Yeah! I mean, I went and saw you in Othello three times, and not once did I realize that you were—
JIMMY:
Queer as a flamingo in drag?
TINY:
Now, that’s acting.
We hear the start of a movie projector. They both go for popcorn at the same time. Their hands touch. There’s a brief charge, but then Jimmy pulls away.
JIMMY:
After you.
TINY:
No, after you.
JIMMY:
I insist.
Tiny takes a massive handful of popcorn. Then he realizes there’s no classy way of eating this. After Jimmy takes a more manageable portion, Tiny puts some back, to make his manageable, too.
This sets the tone for the number, which will be sung by a MOVIE STAR on the corner of the stage, in a spotlight and with a backdrop that should look like a movie screen. (Maybe, to make it clear, start by projecting the 9-8-7 test pattern on her like at the start of an old movie.) (Or him—the movie star can be whoever you want. For the movie, I’d like Anne Hathaway, but like in the Twelfth Night she did at Shakespeare in the Park, not her my-bad-haircut-killed-me performance in the Les Miz movie.)
As the movie star is singing, there should be elaborate romantic choreography between Jimmy and Tiny. At first, just flirtation over the popcorn. Some “accidental” hand touching. Some popcorn sharing—trying to throw it in each other’s mouth, etc. Some leaning. Finally, Jimmy moves the popcorn and takes the second seat. A kiss gets closer. At one point, Tiny goes in for it, but Jimmy’s just taken a mouthful of popcorn. It should be funny and sweet. The audience should forget that Jimmy is an ex. The audience should think there’s potential here. Because, of course, at the time Tiny wasn’t seeing Jimmy as a future ex. He was seeing Jimmy as a future.
[“CLOSE TO A KISS”]
MOVIE STAR:
The stage is set—
The lights are dim—
Just a gasp of distance
between you and him—
The last low word
has left your lips—
so it’s time to use them
to get your bliss . . .
Is there anything
better than this?
When you are close
so close
to a kiss?
One thought—
two minds
Two hearts—
one time . . .
The stage is set—
The lights are dim—
Just a gasp of distance
between you and him—
The last low word
has left your lips—
so it’s time to use them
to get your bliss . . .
Is there anything
better than this?
When you are close
so close
to a kiss?
Don’t take your time—
take his!
Because you are close
so close
to a kiss . . .
They kiss. It is Tiny’s first kiss. And Jimmy’s third.
It’s magical.
They pull apart. Then kiss again. And again.
The emotions rise in Tiny. He has to sing it.
TINY:
I like you!
Yes, you.
I really like you!
So much, too!
Yeah, it’s true—
I really, really like you.
I mean,
Really, really, really like you!
JIMMY (spoken):
I like you, too. And time goes by.
TINY:
I like you I like you I like you
I like you!
I like you!
I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ike you!
JIMMY (spoken):
I like you, too. But maybe just maybe . . .
TINY
(getting really into it, not really hearing Jimmy):
I liiiii-ike you.
Oh yes.
Oh really.
I like you so so so so much.
JIMMY (spoken):
I like you, Tiny. But I’m not sure I like you in that
way.
TINY (spoken):
What?
We lead directly into the next number . . .
[“YOU’RE WONDERFUL! I DON’T WANT TO DATE YOU!”]
JIMMY:
You’re wonderful!
I don’t want to date you!
You’re amazing!
I would much rather be your friend!
You’re special!
So why ruin it?
You’re fantastic!
I’m not really sure you’re my type!
TINY (spoken):
What? Fantastic isn’t your type?
JIMMY:
You’re stupendous!
But I can’t take you seriously!
You’re incredible!
And it was bound to end eventually!
You’re the best!
And I don’t want to hurt you!
You’re remarkable!
But I can’t stay with you just because you want
me to!
TINY (spoken):
This means no more kissing, right?
Jimmy leans in to kiss Tiny. But this time it’s on the cheek.
JIMMY:
You’re marvelous!
I don’t expect you’ll understand!
You’re delectable!
I know you’ll find another man!
And that other man can be
as wonderful to you
as you are to me!
Only he’ll feel the same
and it won’t be as lame
as me saying:
You’re wonderful!
But I can’t date you!
Jimmy exits.
TINY:
But I don’t want anyone else! (to audience) Or at least I thought I didn’t want anyone else. Then a few days passed. The Jimmy-sized hole in my life got smaller and smaller until I didn’t even feel it anymore.
I swore I would never date an actor again. Then I realized, um, I am an actor, so I had to hope that some other guy out there wasn’t swearing he’d never date an actor.
Mostly, I felt I had to widen the dating pool, because right now it was feeling pretty kiddie-sized. And even if I wasn’t quite rea
dy to dive into the ocean of guys that was waiting for me after high school, I could at least find something of Olympic proportions.
Which is why I asked my parents to send me to drama camp.
I wanted my spring awakening, even if it was coming a season late. I wanted summer lovin’ that would happen so fast. I wanted to succeed at the business of love without really trying.
My mother sewed my name into all my underwear. But, really, it was another boy’s name I was ready to sew into my heart.
(looks down at clothes) I can’t possibly wear this to Camp Starstruck. I’ll be right back.
Tiny leaves the stage and changes into summer garb as Camp Starstruck is assembled on the stage in some manner by a variety of extremely enthusiastic musical-theater campers.
ACT II, SCENE 5
Tiny strides out in summer wear. When Joseph Templeton Oglethorpe the Third is mentioned, Ex-boyfriend #6 appears—he should be dressed as some character from some play. Use whatever garb is available, although Shakespearean dress would be pretty funny—this is yet another actor for Tiny to date.
The chorus should be Tiny’s fellow campers, each one more of a drama queen than the last. ’Cause that’s the way it is. (For further reference, please read E. Lockhart’s definitive tome on the subject, Dramarama.) Joseph sings along with the chorus, except for the chorus’s last line.
TINY:
(looking down at clothes) Much better, right?
Welcome to Camp Starstruck. Land of the misfit boys, and all the girls who love them. We put on eight musicals in eight weeks—one minute you’d be bloody, bloody Andrew Jackson, and then you’d blink and you’d be Daddy Warbucks or Porgy or Bess. The directors had all the power, and we worshipped and reviled them accordingly. The food wasn’t up to Oliver!’s standards, the heat was somewhere between Oklahoma! and 110 in the Shade, and the mattresses were more pea than princess.
But none of that really mattered. I had found my tribe. It felt like a family reunion for the family I’d never really known, a homecoming at the place where I was always meant to be but hadn’t known how to find.
The other campers have now finished setting up the camp, and Tiny’s ready to sing.
[“SUMMER OF GAY”]
TINY:
There was a time
when I thought I liked vagina—
but then came a summer
when I realized something finer . . .
JOSEPH appears.
I knew from the moment he took top bunk
how desperately I wanted into his trunk.
Joseph Templeton Oglethorpe the Third
left my heart singing like a little bird.
TINY AND CHORUS:
Summer of gay!
So lovely! So queer! Summer of gay—
TINY:
—set the tone for my year!
Mama and Papa didn’t know
they were lighting the lamp
the moment they sent me to
Starstruck Drama Camp.
So many Hamlets to choose from—
some tortured, some cute.
I was all ready to sword-fight
or take the Ophelia route.
There were boys who called me sister
and sistahs who taught me about boys.
Joseph whispered me sweet nothings—
Joseph whispers him sweet nothings.
—and I fed him Almond Joys.
Tiny feeds him Almond Joys.
TINY AND CHORUS:
Summer of gay!
So fruity! So whole!
Summer of gay—
TINY:
—I realized Angel would be my role!
Mama and Papa didn’t know
how well their money was spent
when I learned about love
from our production of Rent.
Tiny wraps his arms around Joseph.
Such kissing on the catwalks!
Such competition for the leads!
We fell in love so often and fully—
CHORUS:
—across all races and sexualities and creeds!
TINY AND CHORUS:
Summer of gay!
Ended soon! Lasted long!
Summer of gay—
TINY:
—my heart still carries its song!
Joseph leaves Tiny’s embrace, goes offstage. The tempo slows, in an “It turned colder” sort of way.
Joseph and I didn’t make it to September . . .
but you can’t unlight a gay-colored ember.
I will never go back
to the heterosexual way
’cause now every day—
CHORUS:
—yes, every day—
TINY:
—is the sum-mer
of gay!
Fade to black. Or whatever color you like. If you can find a way to fade to pink or purple, please do.
ACT II, SCENE 6
When Tiny returns to the stage, he’s back in school clothes. Summer at Starstruck has given him what he needs—a sense that there’s somewhere he really, really belongs.
Now, don’t get me wrong—as you can see in the first act, my family was actually pretty cool about me being me. That’s important. But I wasn’t about to hang out with my parents for the rest of my life. I had to start making that second family, the one you choose once you’re given a choice. Starstruck made me see what that was like, on a limited-time basis. Now I had to start doing that at home.
TINY (spoken):
I came back to school ready to be the big gay star I was meant to be. The breakup with Joseph was the first one that made sense. We could have tried long distance, but I didn’t like long distance—I didn’t see the point of having a boyfriend if I couldn’t have him next to me. Joseph and I cried our summertime tears, for sure. But the thing about summertime tears is that you know they’re made out of summertime. They evaporate when the school year begins. Joseph and I had an honest discussion about this as we said good-bye. I thought, hey, this must mean I’m growing up.
And I wasn’t the only one who’d grown up. I returned to my high school to find that the rainbow had connected, big-time. I used to be able to count the number of gay kids on one jazz hand, but now there seemed to be more gay kids in our high school than there were minutes in Miss Saigon. I plunged right in.
EX-BOYFRIEND #7 enters. He looks like a lost puppy, but has the heart of a bitch.
TINY:
Evan was new to town. I showed him around. The tour included my bedroom.
Within two weeks, he wanted off my welcome wagon.
EX-BOYFRIEND #7 (reprise from “Parade”):
I’ve found another guy!
TINY (spoken):
He felt bad about it, but he had a crush on someone else. I’m sure I would’ve dwelt on it . . . but three days later, I found myself flirting for the first time during football practice. His name was Ramon. He’d been on my team since fifth grade.
EX-BOYFRIEND #8 enters and stands next to Ex-boyfriend #7. Bonus points if Ex-boyfriend #8 played a non-bully football team member from earlier.
TINY:
I thought we had so so so much in common. But he fumbled all of my passes, and soon I sensed his heart wasn’t in the game. It only took nine days for him to tell me he wanted to bring our relationship off the field. I begged him for an explanation.
EX-BOYFRIEND #8 (reprise from “Parade”):
I don’t have to tell you why!
. . . but as he sings the line, he takes Ex-boyfriend #7’s hand. They look each other lovingly.
TINY:
Evan and Ramon started dating the next week.
EX-BOYFRIEND #7 (sung):
I like you!
&nbs
p; EX-BOYFRIEND #8:
I like you!
EX-BOYFRIENDS #7 AND #8 TOGETHER:
I like you so, so much!
They skip off the stage together. As they do, they pass Phil, who’s walking in.
PHIL:
Hey.
TINY:
Hey.
PHIL:
I heard about Ramon. And Evan. And I think you were maybe dating one of them? Or even both of them? Either way, that sucks.
TINY (coming slightly unhinged):
I don’t understand! What is the point of being the big gay star I was meant to be if nobody wants to date me past the first trimester? It’s like a cruel joke—to work so hard to be completely me, and then to feel so incomplete.
PHIL:
You don’t need to have a boyfriend to be complete. For example, I don’t have a girlfriend. And look at me.
TINY:
I know. Look at you!
Tiny gives Phil the once-over. It’s clear that he’s concerned.
PHIL:
If attacking me makes you feel better, I will allow you to do so for two more minutes. But only because you’ve just had either one or two boys break up with you.
TINY (shaking his head):
No. It’s not you I should be attacking. Clearly, it’s me.
PHIL:
That’s not what I meant.
TINY:
I’m repulsive!
PHIL:
You’re hardly repulsive.
TINY:
But I repel people!
PHIL:
Please tell me this pity party ends early. Or at least serves cake.
TINY:
I’m unlovable!
PHIL:
Your mommy and daddy and fwiends wuv you very much.
TINY:
But most of all, worst of all, I’m inadequate!
PHIL:
Inadequate.
TINY:
Inadequate! A boy may look my way, but he never stays longer than a few days. How is that supposed to make me feel?
PHIL:
But, Tiny—
Hold Me Closer: The Tiny Cooper Story Page 7
