“It is funny,” Rudi said as Eva picked at her risotto, “I do not even know what job you do. Do you work?”
She ate a mouthful of the rice, a little conscious of doing so after his comment to her about watching her eat, and nodded. “I work in a small shop—it sells gifts, handmade jewellery, that sort of thing. I make crafts to sell in it, too. It does really well in summer as it’s next to a popular café, but it tends to be a bit quiet in winter.”
“That sounds rewarding. Do you enjoy it?”
“Well, I certainly don’t do it for the money.” Without the insurance money she’d gotten from Damon’s policy, she wouldn’t have been able to support herself and Oscar. “Anyway, enough about me. How about you? I guess you’re mega-rich with all that jet-setting and flashy functions you go to.”
“I do okay,” he said, lips curving.
He did more than okay—his watch probably cost more than all the items in her jewellery box together, and his clothing—even though she’d only seen him in sweaters and jeans—was well-cut and classy. He was probably enjoying being out of the standard business outfit, she thought. The thought of him in a three-piece-suit with tie and cufflinks made her feel slightly faint.
He caught her staring at him and paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. Taking the piece of steak and chewing it thoughtfully, he lowered the fork back to his plate while studying her. “What? Your eyes are like…” He drew a big circle with his finger in the air. “What are they called? Saucers.”
“I was thinking about you in a suit.”
He swallowed and passed a thumb across his bottom lip to remove a dob of the pepper sauce, looking highly amused. “I see. And are you enjoying your fantasy?”
She glanced at Isabel, sitting diagonally across from her, but the girl was busy showing Oscar how to hold the food with his fork while he sawed at it with his knife. Eva’s gaze came back to Rudi’s. “A little bit. It’s like my own fashion show inside my head.”
He cut another piece of steak and ate it thoughtfully. “Hmm, I see what you mean. It is fun to imagine a particular lady I know modelling the latest designer bikinis.”
Eva giggled and went to say something, but caught Isabel’s fleeting look at her out of the corner of her eye. The girl lowered her gaze back to her dinner and continued to eat without saying a word, but Eva was sure she hadn’t missed the look. She knows.
She ate her risotto, told Oscar to sit back down and finish his sausages, pretended not to notice when he almost sawed his finger in half, and generally tried not to flirt with Rudi for the remainder of the meal.
He must have picked up on it, she thought, as the kids finished their ice cream. Would he question her about it once the kids went off to the play area?
But just as Oscar declared he’d had enough, and she’d wiped the chocolate sauce from his chin and helped him down from the table, her phone rang in her pocket.
Rudi muttered something in Finnish.
“Sorry?” she said, pulling out the phone.
“Curse of the modern age,” he said, but he didn’t elaborate, leaning back instead and waving for the waiter. “Coffee?”
She shook her head and unfolded the phone. Sighed when she saw the name. Pressed the button and held it up to her ear. “Hi, Bridge.”
“Hello, love. Thought I’d check in before you go to bed. How are you?”
Eva reminded herself that there were single mums out there who would kill for a mother-in-law like Bridget, who was always there when needed, happy to drop whatever she was doing to pick Eva up or take her somewhere, and who loved babysitting, even though Eva tried not to rely on her. “We’re fine.” She made her voice breezy. “Having some dinner.”
“Oh, in that lovely restaurant you told me about?”
“Yes. Oscar’s just finished and he’s dashed off to the play area.”
“Oh, lovely, nice to know he’s having a good time. Has he made any friends?”
Lie, Eva thought, conscious of Rudi listening while trying not to look as if he was listening. He’d picked up the menu and was examining it studiously, although he could obviously hear every word she said. But she’d never been able to lie convincingly, and always ended up forgetting what she’d said and tying herself in knots. It was better to tell the truth, even if it wasn’t the whole truth.
“Yes, he’s playing with a girl called Isabel.”
“Oh, nice! Is that who was in the photo you sent to me?
“Yes, that’s right.”
“How old is she?”
“She’s seven, but she’s very good with him, and she’s actually teaching him some manners for once.” Eva smiled ruefully as Rudi stifled a chuckle.
“And what about you, are you chatting to Isabel’s mum?”
Rudi looked up at that moment, meeting her gaze, as if he’d known where the conversation was heading. Eva’s cheeks warmed, and she blinked several times before giving him a brief smile of apology and standing to walk over to the windows. It was still snowing, she noticed absently. Maybe it would snow so hard they wouldn’t be able to leave the village for another month.
“I’m spending a bit of time with Isabel’s father,” she said. “He’s Finnish. His name’s Rudi.”
“Oh…” Bridget’s voice was soft. “That’s nice.”
“It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just that it’s nice to talk to other parents,” Eva waffled, hating herself for feeling like she had to make excuses.
“It’s okay,” Bridget said.
“You were right,” Eva continued, “Christmas is for families, and it is a bit lonely being on my own. I should have listened to you.”
“Eva,” Bridget said, “it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
Emotion rushed over Eva, fierce and overwhelming as if she stood under a waterfall, strong as the moment when she’d opened the front door and seen the police woman standing there with her face filled with pity.
She pressed her fingers to her lips and closed her eyes.
“Sweetheart,” Bridget said, “I’m not stupid. You’re a good girl, and you were a good wife. Damon loved you—I know that—he wouldn’t have asked just anyone to marry him, you know. The pregnancy was justification, not an excuse.”
A tear rolled down Eva’s cheek. She wiped it away, hoping Rudi wasn’t watching her, knowing he was. “Bridge…”
“But you’re young. Oscar’s young. I don’t expect you to be alone forever, and neither does anyone else.”
Eva bit her lip, trying to claw back the emotion that threatened to burst from her. “I did love Damon.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want you or Paul to think I didn’t.”
“We both know. Don’t worry about us. I have Josh and Pippa here, and all the kids. We’re absolutely fine. I want you to go and enjoy yourself. Is he nice, this Rudi?”
“Yes.” The word was little more than a whisper.
“Then go and have fun.”
“It’s nothing, Bridge, I’m leaving in two days, it’s not like it means anything…”
“It doesn’t matter. Not everything has to mean wedding rings and forever. Live in the moment, darling. Enjoy it while you can.”
Bridget chatted for another minute or so, then ended the call. Eva slid the phone back into her pocket, but didn’t turn around immediately. She felt as if the world had shifted under her feet, disorienting her. She hadn’t expected Bridget’s kind words, her understanding, or her blessing. And instead of it being reassuring and comforting, Eva found it unsettling. The guilt that always lay beneath her emotions like those ugly fish with big eyes and teeth at the bottom of the ocean rose to the surface. Her chest ached, and she pressed a hand between her breasts.
Why did she have to go through this? Losing a husband so young, being a single mum. It was so unfair. She was a good person, wasn’t she? She didn’t deserve this unhappiness.
She felt a presence behind her, a warmth at her back. She didn’t have to tu
rn to know who it was.
He didn’t touch her though. Just said quietly, “Are you okay?”
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“I think Oscar’s ready to go.”
“I need to pay my half of the bill,” she said with a sniff.
“I’ve paid it. You can owe me.” He put a hand under her elbow, guiding her back to the table.
She tried to resent his touch, to tell him that he mustn’t act as if he had any say in her life because it was impossible—it just wasn’t meant to be, but the words wouldn’t come, and she suddenly realised how tired she was. Physically and emotionally exhausted with the day.
Oscar looked as shattered as she felt, sitting at the table, head resting on his arms. She stuffed him into his coat, and then they headed out of the door.
He was so tired that he only made it halfway back to the cabin before he stumbled, fell hard onto his knees and burst into tears. Eva felt like crying with him, conscious of Rudi by her side, Isabel quiet as if she knew something was awry.
Rudi bent and beckoned to the boy, though, and Oscar held his arms out unquestioningly, letting himself be picked up. Rudi glanced up quickly at Eva. “Okay?”
She nodded, touched and too emotional to argue, so he stood with the boy in his arms and carried him back the short distance to the cabins.
He opened the door for Isabel, then followed Eva across to hers and carried Oscar inside, placing him on the bed.
“Thanks,” she said, unbuttoning her coat and dropping it onto the nearby chair.
“You are welcome.” Rudi hesitated. “Will you be okay?”
She forced a smile onto her face. “Yes, thanks. I’ll be fine.” She couldn’t think with him nearby. Memories of his lips on hers, his hot chest sticking to her breasts, refused to leave her mind, and she needed to be free of him, just for a while.
He nodded. “Sleep well. I will see you tomorrow.”
She watched him go.
Immediately after he closed the door, she missed him.
Sighing, she walked over to Oscar, pulled off his boots, bullied him into taking off his coat and brushing his teeth, then got him into bed.
By six thirty, he was asleep.
She stood by the side of the bed, watching his chest rise and fall, his eyelids flutter with a dream. Then she walked over to the window to look out at the forest. The half-twilight had sunk to full darkness, the sky black with clouds, snow still falling, now a foot high against the door. The lanterns cast golden baubles of light across the white carpet, while shadows lent the night an eerie feel, so different to the beauty she’d felt earlier in the day, in bed with Rudi. She crossed her arms and hugged herself protectively, drew the curtains and sat on the sofa.
She tried to watch some TV, saw half a movie, then turned it off and lay there, looking at the ceiling. Tiredness pulled her eyelids to half-mast, and she supposed she should get ready for bed, but she couldn’t summon the energy.
Unbidden, Bridget’s words crept into her mind. I don’t expect you to be alone forever, and neither does anyone else… Live in the moment, darling. Enjoy it while you can.
What else had she said? Not everything has to mean wedding rings and forever.
Eva’s bottom lip trembled, and a tear slid down her cheek.
Wiping it away, she got up, walked over to the adjoining door to Rudi’s cabin and rested her forehead on it. She ached to have his arms around her. Was it actually him she wanted? Or just the safety and security he offered, the affection, the love, however fleeting? She hardly knew him, after all.
And yet deep down, she knew it wasn’t just that he was convenient. Something had conspired to bring the two of them together. One different decision—another page of a travel brochure, a change of heart—and they would never have met. And yet here they were, and there was something blooming inside her, so unexpected and out of place, like a flower in the snow.
Behind the door, something rattled.
She lifted her head, startled, and looked up at the bolt. It was still in place—of course, it must have been the one on the other side of the door.
Hand shaking, she took hold of the bolt and drew it back. Then turned the handle.
Rudi stood there, hands in the pockets of his jeans, hair ruffled as if he’d spent the past hour raking his hands through it.
“Kaipasin sinua paljon,” he said.
“Pardon?”
He blinked. “Sorry. I meant…I missed you.”
She put her hand over her mouth, and he sighed and came forwards to take her in his arms.
They stood in the doorway for a while, her head resting on his chest, his hands stroking her back.
“Was she horrible to you?” he murmured.
Eva shook her head. “No. And that makes it worse, somehow. She forgave me, Rudi. And I can’t bear it.”
He kissed the top of her head. “You have to forgive yourself first, armas.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“It will come.” His hand stroked her back, gentle, comforting. “Maybe that is why we met. To help you move on.”
She rubbed her nose. His jumper was soft, his arms warm.
He tightened his hold on her briefly. Then his arms loosened, and he stepped back so he could lean down to kiss her. “See you tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
He went back into his own room, and shut the door.
Eva left the lock this time. She cleaned her teeth, put her nightie on and climbed into bed beside Oscar. Her son lay on his back, tangled in the covers, and she lay on her side, watching his chest rise and fall. Past him, through a crack in the curtains, the snow continued to fall.
The thing was, she didn’t want Rudi to be a device to help her move on, a brief interlude, like a comet through her universe, blazing briefly before moving onto the next solar system.
She wanted him for keeps.
Chapter Fifteen
The following morning, Eva drew back the curtains and held her breath as she stared at the view. Although a few clouds scudded across the still-dark sky, it had finally stopped snowing, and a thick blanket of white coated all the pavements, cars and buildings as far as the eye could see. Everything sparkled, as if the elves in Santa’s Secret Village had sneaked out in the night and scattered glitter across the world.
Eva showered and dressed, her stomach feeling like the snowglobe that sat on one of the shelves, whirling with tiny flurries. It’s because it’s Christmas Eve, she told herself. There was always something exciting about that time of year, the children’s enthusiasm contagious, and she couldn’t wait for Oscar to see the main gift she’d bought for him and smuggled into the depths of her suitcase—a Lego kit, with all the instructions on how to make a large red car. His tiny fingers still fumbled a bit with the little pieces, but he was beginning to love creating shapes out of the blocks, and she knew he’d adore the car once it was built.
Still, even though she wanted to watch him opening his presents, she knew that wasn’t the only reason she was looking forward to the day.
On cue, someone knocked on the front door, and her heart rate picked up and her cheeks warmed as she walked over to open it.
“Hyvaa huomenta,” Rudi said, smiling. “How are you today?”
“Good.” She met his gaze, stomach fluttering again. Even though she’d been tired, it had taken her hours to get off sleep, and once she did, she’d dreamed of him all night, his arms tight around her, his blue eyes sparkling, his warm body pressing against hers. She felt slightly feverish, and wondered if she were coming down with something.
Yeah. Lust fever. Get a grip, Eva.
“We wondered if you would like to come sledding with us.” He lifted his arm to place it around his daughter, who had appeared at his side. “There are apparently some slopes to the south, and they loan out sleds for free.”
“We’d love to,” Eva said immediately. One thing she’d decided the night before was that whatever lay in the future, she was
going to take Bridget’s advice and live in the moment, and enjoy these few days while she could. “What do you think, Oscar? Want to go sledding?”
“Yes!” he yelled, jumping up and down, only then adding, “What’s sledding?”
They laughed, and she bundled him into his coat and helped him tug on his boots. “You’ll see.”
She hurriedly pulled on her own boots, coat, woolly hat, scarf and gloves, then joined the others outside, where Oscar was busy bounding around the area between their cabins, following Isabel and making a figure of eight in the snow.
“You’ll get dizzy,” she semi-scolded him. On cue, he stopped walking, tottered and fell over.
Isabel giggled and bent to help him up. “Come on, silly boy. I want to show you how to sled!”
The two of them ran in front, and Rudi held out his hand to Eva. She stared at it for a moment, worrying about Isabel, but he didn’t retract it, so in the end she slid her hand into his shyly and accepted the squeeze of his fingers.
“Everything all right?” he asked.
“Yes, thank you. And thanks for checking up on me last night.”
“I was worried about you,” he admitted. “I could see you were upset. I did not want to make things worse, but I do not think I could have gone to sleep if I had not checked you were okay.”
She looked across the complex of buildings, seeing the excitement that continued to stir in her stomach reflected in the families as they went in and out of the shops, headed for Santa’s Playground and generally had fun playing in the snow. “I think you were right, actually. I think I do have to forgive myself before I can accept forgiveness from Bridget, or anyone else.”
“And have you? Forgiven yourself?”
She looked back at him. He wore his heavy black coat with a light blue scarf, and a thick, dark blue woollen hat pulled over his ears against the harsh wind. He looked boyish and charming, the perfect fun package to see her through the day. “Maybe.”
He smiled and squeezed her hand, and then they turned to talking about other things as they covered the distance to the slopes.
He asked her a lot about her views on Santa’s Secret Village, and she supposed he was interested in it because he liked buildings and developed sites like this. So she told him how much she loved the place, how she adored the air of excitement and the enthusiasm of the staff. She also mentioned the things she wasn’t so keen on—the restaurant was pricey and she’d have preferred more places to buy cheap snacks for both kids and adults; the gift shops were beautiful but not particularly child-friendly with all the crockery and breakable ornaments; perhaps there could have been a place to leave presents smuggled in suitcases so the kids couldn’t find them. He nodded and seemed interested, but didn’t offer his own opinion, and within about five minutes they arrived at the banks, so she made a mental note to ask him what he thought of the village later.
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