‘Here, Tavis,’ Ciara said as she stood up and tried to get out of the wagon. ‘Take my hand.’
‘Ciara, wait a wee while until we figure out if this can be freed,’ he ordered back.
She jumped, damn her, and landed just next to him, her leather boots sinking into the mud. Without hesitating, she gathered her skirts from behind, pulled them between her legs and secured them to her belt.
‘Ciara,’ he began.
‘Elizabeth, come out now,’ she called in to her friend. ‘You will not melt in the rain and we need all the help we can get.’
Was she daft? Did she think he was going to let her...?
‘If we all help, we can empty the wagon, move it through these rough patches to flatter ground and be on our way,’ she said, urging the other girl out from the protection of the covered wagon and into the torrents of rain.
Damn! Did she have to be so sensible? Should she not be sitting inside the cart, moaning and fretting, much like Cora was at this moment, waiting for him and the other men to do what was needed to free the wagon and get them moving again? Instead, with a lack of fear and with a good instinct about how to handle this situation, she took control and gave orders. Within minutes, the other women had secured the long skirts of their gowns as she had and were carrying some of the lighter supplies off to a clearing under the trees.
Tavis wanted to argue with her, overrule her, but she did exactly what he would have recommended be done and got less resistance from her women than any man would have.
* * *
It took about two hours to complete, but the wagon was emptied, contents moved and the wheels freed from the mud and moved forwards to a smoother part of the path. Through it all, not one of the women had complained. Later, when they’d repacked the wagon, found a place to rest for the night and everyone was settling down, he realised what bothered him so.
He truly liked Ciara. He liked the woman she’d become. In spite of his declarations to the opposite, he felt more for her than he could ignore. More than would do either of them any good. What he felt and what he wanted did not matter, for she was above him in status and wealth and everything that was important. He had neither the heart nor soul left to offer her marriage and that was the only thing a woman of her class could accept.
Worse, she was promised to another and any interference in the arrangements, secret at this time or not, would still result in dishonour and possibly a feud between the MacLerie and the Murrays.
The Robertson laird must have seen signs of this when he issued his warning. If that man could see it, then others could and would. So, Tavis decided he must look at her and the rest of this journey as he would any other task assigned to him by Connor. Just that—a task assigned by his laird.
He stared across the clearing, from where he stood to where she sat, stirring a pot of simple stew over the fire. As she did so many times before, Ciara lifted her head and met his gaze. Within the depths of those warm, brown eyes he saw everything he felt reflected back at him: confusion, desire, need, wanting and love. Tavis turned away.
They could not. They would not.
Despair, ruin and unhappiness lay ahead of them if they followed their desires. For him it would mean the loss of his honour, for he’d sworn allegiance and obedience to the laird. Worse, for her it would be the loss of everyone she held dear. She would face shame unlike any embarrassment she’d suffered before. They would both be exiled from clan and kith and kin with little hope of sharing even that dishonourable life.
And that was something she would never survive either.
Tavis drank down the ale in his cup and stood. His stomach rolled and he wanted no food now. How cruel the fates were to allow them both to see the truth of something between them just when they were reconciled to the impossibility of it.
As he strode off to check with the two men set as guards, he accepted that the only good thing was that both of them would do their duty and hold fast to their honour.
* * *
Ciara thought she knew how her old doll felt the day that she and her younger brother fought over it—twisted, torn and all the stuffing pulled out. As she scooped up the stew and served it to the others, she was certain of what had just passed between them. He’d allowed her to see into his heart and soul and to learn that she was not the only one confused, yet thrilled by the feelings there. Then, as though he’d made a mistake, he left, not even taking the time to eat with them.
This must be the worst part of growing up and accepting your role as an adult with duties and responsibilities to others. And she hated it even at the same moment that she savoured the brief but honest moment between them. For in that instant after he’d turned away, Ciara had thought of all the possibilities and all the impossibilities as well and none of them were acceptable to her. To them.
So, she, they, would follow the path they’d chosen, be honourable and true to their families’ expectations. Mayhap the shock of knowing he’d treated her as an adult and accepted what was honest and true in her heart had also caused her to accept the futility of it all?
After cleaning up from their meal, with Elizabeth’s and Cora’s help, she climbed inside the wagon, under the blankets spread for her use and found that her mind was quiet for the first time in so very long. A certainty filled her now—the unavoidable reality she had never wanted to consider but that now was hers.
She would not marry the man she had loved her whole life.
* * *
Four days later, after the night of reckoning as she thought of it, they reached Crieff. Tavis had sent men ahead to find them a place to stay and to make arrangements for the final part of the journey. If any in the group noticed a change between them, none mentioned it. Instead, it was as though Ciara had taken all of her feelings, wrapped them in a bundle and put them aside. Easier to ignore all of it than to have it task her mind, heart and soul during every waking hour.
And sleeping hours, too, for she saw him in her dreams. Except there, he left the stream, walked to her and kissed her with such abandonment that she woke more than once expecting to find him entangled in her blankets next to her. Some primitive urge had been awakened within her and would not cease its demand for satisfaction.
Crieff was a welcome distraction for all of them, it seemed. A busy market town, filled with all sorts of merchants and goods, it was the first large town they’d seen on their travels. Tavis had sent men ahead to locate suitable lodgings for the women.
As they entered from the north-west, she heard Cora and Elizabeth laugh at the sight of so many people and animals and stalls. She’d chosen to ride her horse and followed Tavis’s order to stay next to him at all times. With so many things to look at, it was difficult not to get diverted, but Tavis soon led them to a quieter street when the buildings were spread out from each other. They stopped before an inn and Tavis helped her, then the others, down. Young Dougal guided the wagon around the wooden inn to the yard where they would secure it for the night.
Though she probably looked like a peasant, Tavis made certain that the MacLerie name and title eased the way to the best room for them. He stayed with them while they found their chamber and waited for Iain to bring in the satchels they prepared for this stay. A bath was promised and Ciara imagined how good it would feel to soak in a tub of steaming water as they climbed the stairs to the upper level that held but two small bedchambers.
‘One is for you and Elizabeth, the other for Cora and our trunks,’ Tavis explained as the other men began to carry their supplies past them. ‘And the innkeeper will set up the bath in here.’ Once they were done, Ciara gained Tavis’s attention.
‘Can we walk around a bit after getting settled here? There were so many interesting things to see,’ she asked.
‘Did you see the stalls as we passed?’ Elizabeth asked. ‘It would be such a treat to visit them.’
She and Elizabeth named several more places and people who’d caught their eye as they rode in and Tavis just watched
in silence, turning back and forth between them as they spoke. Then he held his hand up, stopping them. Though she had travelled with her parents to cities like Glasgow and Edinburgh, Elizabeth had not. This trip was a treat for her and Ciara wanted her friend to enjoy all that she could.
‘Aye,’ Tavis finally said. ‘Since it is not yet overwhelmed for the Michaelmas tryst, it is safe enough to walk. Finish seeing to your comfort and I will tell the men.’
Their excitement even spread to the usually calm Cora, who had a few coins with her to buy something that appealed to her. Elizabeth and Ciara both had small purses, too, and permission to buy what they needed or wanted, so it should be an enjoyable few hours.
* * *
And it was. The three men who walked with them had joined in the enthusiasm and made suggestions for purchases. It was a surprise to Ciara for she worried that they would keep to themselves as Tavis had done these last days. They arrived back at the inn just as supper was served. The lively conversation and good, hot, well-
flavoured food all lent itself to a pleasant evening among people she’d known almost all of her life.
A fitting way to end her life with the MacLeries before beginning one with the Murrays.
Was she destined to be passed from one family to another? Was she wanting in some way that no clan wanted to keep her? She remembered little of her time with her mother’s family. The last half-score of years with the MacLeries were all she knew. But most of that time was grooming her to make her appealing to some other clan. Never was a marriage discussed or offered that would allow her to remain in Lairig Dubh—the only place she knew as home.
Trying to push away the maudlin feelings that threatened to overwhelm her, she looked around and noticed that most of all the other inhabitants at the inn had gone off to their rest, so Ciara and Elizabeth sought theirs. The steaming bath, scented with oil Cora had packed away, eased the aches and pains in her body, but not the one in her heart. Tears tracked down her cheeks to blend into the water around her. Silent tears for the loss. Tears for what could never be.
Worse, she now realised that Tavis had been correct—she had played at loving him all those years. Childish worship, all of it. Now, now when she’d thought she’d moved on and was ready to accept that he did not share her feelings, he did.
‘Damn him!’ she whispered, hitting the water with clenched fists and sending some in a cascade over the edge. ‘Damn him.’
And damn her foolish, now grown-up heart.
Chapter Seven
The road leading into Perth from Crieff grew crowded and Tavis kept their small party together as they moved along the way. A royal burgh, Perth was the centre for trade with many other countries across the sea on the Continent. Due to the establishment of so many religious orders in towns nearby, Perth drew pilgrims as well.
The English King Edward had captured it. Robert the Bruce took it back. This left Perth with the strongest stone defences in Scotland now, which were visible as they moved ever closer. A high wall with many towers surrounded it now and they would pass through one of the gates soon. Tavis planned to stop for a meal there before continuing through and to the south-east to reach the Murrays’ lands.
Although connected by past generations of marriages and purchase and kinship to the ancient Highland
mormaers of Moireabh and of Atholl, the lowland branch of the family that Ciara was marrying into was distant in location, wealth and power. Connor believed this match would be good for the clan MacLerie in order to gain access to the important ports of Perth and Dundee, so that was all that truly mattered.
With the weather co-operating, they should reach their destination by mid-day. Ciara and Elizabeth’s excitement as they travelled through the city forced a smile from him more times than he would like to admit. They would be able to visit here often once Ciara married the Murray heir.
At least it would be easier than seeing her day in and out in Lairig Dubh. Calling on his honour and hers, seeing the dark abyss of possibilities opening before them and then stepping back from that edge had a sobering effect for him. It made it easier to let her go.
He would have to remind himself of that every day and night from now on. For now, he would see her safely on. He’d sent young Dougal ahead to the Murrays to tell of their arrival. Once they stopped for food on the other side of Perth, it would be a direct ride from there.
‘You seem caught in your thoughts, Tavis,’ she said now, riding next to him. ‘Is all well?’
Startled by her nearness, he shook his head. ‘All is well.’
‘Have you been here before?’ she asked, never taking her eyes from the street or the people making their way along it.
‘Once, many years ago with your father.’ They skirted a group of people examining the wares in the stalls here in the wool district. ‘We were heading to Edinburgh and to meet with the king’s ministers about a trade agreement. We passed through here and on to Dundee and then by ship down to Edinburgh. You will like being closer to the sea, Ciara.’
Where the hell had that come from? Good Christ! Would these bits of things remembered about her never cease? She’d always liked the water. Boats.
‘James said his home is north of the Tay, before it widens to the sea.’
‘Your father travels to Edinburgh several times a year. It would not be difficult or far for him to visit you here,’ he offered.
‘He is not my father, Tavis.’
The words made him tense his body and his horse shifted in reaction, pushing them closer to Ciara. She was able to keep hers under control and guided them a pace aside to avoid bumping.
‘He raised you as his own, Duncan did.’ Safe words since it was commonly known that she was his wife’s child.
‘If I lasted five years with the Robertsons and just more than ten years with the MacLeries, do you think the Murrays will keep me longer?’
His breath caught at her disclosure and at the sense of hurt and abandonment behind them. Lord Iain’s words about her knowledge of her father came back to him and he now saw her curiosity and her accomplishments in a different way.
She was not the confident young woman who had come to him in the night to propose a marriage to him. She was instead an insecure girl who did her best in the hopes of making herself indispensable to her stepfather so that he would keep her.
What could he say? What words could he use to explain her true worth without then claiming her for himself? Lucky for him, they reached the bridge they needed to cross to leave Perth and he was called away to pay the toll and see to their wagon. By the time they had crossed the bridge and left Perth, Ciara was riding alongside the wagon, chatting with Elizabeth.
* * *
Soon, his men returned and they’d brought several others with them.
James Murray was with them.
Tavis hailed them as they approached and stopped his horse to greet the young lord. Instead, James rode past him and stopped before Ciara. Jumping from his horse, he took Ciara’s hand and kissed it. And he did not let go while he spoke in hushed tones to only her.
Oh, aye, the Murrays would keep her longer than the MacLeries had, damn them both!
* * *
Ciara smiled at James, enjoying the very gallant way he kissed her hand and greeted Elizabeth and Cora, welcoming them to his home. After sharing her weakness with Tavis, she felt vulnerable and exposed. She’d never spoken of such things to anyone, not her mother, not her closest friend. She’d barely admitted them to herself in the darkest hours when self-doubt ruled her thoughts. But this journey was an emotional one as much as it was a business one and her heart ached from all of the truths and changes she faced so far along the way.
‘Are you tired from riding, Ciara?’ James asked as he mounted once more. His horse was magnificent and her hands itched to take the reins of one like that.
‘Nay, my lord,’ she replied honestly. ‘The roads have been smooth and the skies clear this day.’
He laughed a
loud and nodded. Motioning forwards with his head, he asked, ‘Would you like to ride ahead with me? It is just a few miles now and my parents await your arrival.’
Ciara turned to look at Tavis, but Cora clucked her tongue before she could.
‘That would be a wonderful idea, lass. Go on with the young lord, then, and we will be behind ye.’
‘Come then, Ciara,’ James said, turning his horse towards the road and nodding. ‘You,’ he said to Tavis, ‘you are in charge?’
‘Aye, Lord Murray,’ Tavis replied, his tone even though she heard something there.
‘See the women and the wagon safely to the keep. At the fork in the road ahead, take the left and go through the village.’
Ciara startled then. She’d never heard Tavis spoken to as though a servant. He sat high in the MacLerie laird’s esteem and trust, but to James and others he was simply a servant to order here and there. These lowlanders did not keep to the same practices and sense of family that the clans in the Highlands did.
James smiled at her and she followed him along the road. Though she could have given his horse a good challenge with hers, she paced herself to remain just a bit behind him.
They took the left path at the split and found the village James mentioned to Tavis. James slowed his horse down as they made their way through the narrow street and then spurred it faster once past the cottages, going uphill to the stone keep ahead. Ciara kept her attention on James as the path became steeper, though not truly difficult. It would take some time for the wagon to climb this hill and reach the keep.
The Murrays lived in a stone manor house, built atop the hill and surrounded by a wall. Not knowing what she expected, the unrelenting dark grey was not it. No hint of welcome. It looked like countless other houses they’d passed, not grand enough to be called castles or true keeps, but walled against intrusion. She wanted to dislike it immediately.
James guided her through the gate and into the small yard in the front. Lord and Lady Murray stood before an open door and waved to her. Ciara waved back and brought her horse to a halt a few yards away. A servant came running to take hold of her horse and James was there at her side to help her down.
Terri Brisbin Highlander Bundle Page 7
