We leave Friday so even though I’ve been avoiding Betsy, she’s sent a few texts and tried to call me. I’m going to go to her show on Thursday but other than that I’ve got her on ignore. I text with Jeannette to make sure she’s okay and to see if she wants to meet for lunch so I can pump her for information.
Me: Hi Jeannette, how’s my Betsy doing?
J-dog: I feel like her light has dimmed a bit. It’s sad to see.
Me: Listen, I want to get her fully turned on again, will you help me?
J-dog: Fuck yes, I will.
Me: Can you meet me for lunch at Bernal Star noon on Thursday?
J-dog: You bet your ass I can.
Me: Thanks, Jeannette. My friend Lia is coming too. Can you do me one more favor?
J-dog: Anything.
Me: Can you make her smile this week?
J-dog: On it.
Me: You’re the best. See you Thursday.
I meet Jeannette and Lia Thursday and they help me with my idea for convincing Betsy she can trust me and that being with me is the best thing for her. I know what I want to say, I know what I want to convey, I’m just trying to figure out how to go about it. I want it to be special.
“What if you did something at work? Like bring your guitar and play something panty dropping,” Lia suggests while we are munching on fried artichoke hearts and pizza.
“At her boring software job?” I ask.
“Women always love a good serenade,” Jeannette adds.
“I’m not the best singer and I’m not sure about surprising her there, it seems kind of buttoned up,” I say, nibbling on a slice of pizza.
Lia slams her hand on the table, startling us all. “No! You don’t surprise her there, you surprise her at her other job.”
We stare at her and her sort of maniacal smile. “At Lady Marmalade?” Jeannette asks her and she nods. “Now that’s a fantastic idea, dear.”
“I know!” she says jumping in her seat now. “We beg them to let us play and let you do burlesque.” She points at me.
I throw my head back and laugh. “I want to get her back, not scar her for life.”
“No, listen. One of the best moments of my life’s when you all got on that stage and sang Birthday to me for my 30th. I’ve never felt so cherished and a part of a family.”
“So how will dancing and taking my clothes off make Betsy feel that feeling?” I ask, still doubtful.
“We will all do it! We will get the band, Jack, Jeannette here, some of her friends from her software job and of course the cast at the show. You will be the centerpiece of course, but we will show her she has a community here and we support and love her.” It’s a really good idea actually.
“You are kind of an evil genius, Lia,” Jeannette says, eying her with awe and respect. See, everyone falls for Lia, it’s inevitable.
“Thanks, Jeannette. I love your style, it’s so effortless and chic,” Lia says with a genuine smile.
Jeannette looks to me questioning and I shake my head. “Sorry, she’s married and knocked up.”
Lia puts her hand on Jeannette’s. “If I wasn’t, I’d be open to all possibilities. You’re a hottie.”
I think I see a tiny blush on Jeannette’s pale cheeks, but I may be imaging it. “Your husband is a lucky man.”
“He really is.” Lia sighs. “I’m lucky too, though. Javier has award-winning forearms and these beautiful eyes that look directly into your soul.”
“I’m pretty sure Paul’s Tumblr page dedicated to Javi’s forearms doesn’t count as an award, “I say, chuckling and she opens her mouth to object. “Neither does your former professor’s Instagram page dedicated to your husband’s rolled up sleeves.”
“Yeah, she had to take it down because we sent a cease and desist. Long story,” she tells Jeannette.
“I can’t wait to hear it.” Jeannette smiles and pops an artichoke in her mouth.
We order dessert and make plans. I don’t tell them my own plan to go see her show tonight because I feel like they’ll try to talk me out of it. Lia tells me she’ll set up the details with the theater. She knows one of the owners.
“Jeannette, you know your job,” I say.
“Joe, don’t insult me. I’ve been making that bitch smile way before you came along.”
* * *
I arrive at the theater and my requested table is not available so I take one on the floor in the corner. Not the best view, but I’ll be hidden at least. Our plane leaves early tomorrow so I only plan on staying for the first half. That’s until the emcee lets us know that their star performer, Betty LaFleur (that’s B’s stage name) has a special new performance tonight after the intermission. Well, now I’m staying as long as it takes to see that.
She is luminous as usual but I can tell she’s lost s bit of her spark. I only notice because I know her so well. After my one drink, I switch to water so I can fully experience her. Just having her twenty feet in front of me makes me realize how strong of a pull I have toward her. Also, I just miss the crap out of her. I went from spending every spare minute with her for weeks to nothing. There have been several times when I wanted to tell her something, send her a picture I thought was funny, or tell her about Jack getting an A on his calculus test she helped him study for.
God, I hope this works. I’ll be devastated if I can’t have her in my life. I know I’d get over her, but it would take a long time. I take a long sip of water as the lights go down after the intermission. The jangly piano of Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues starts and the curtain goes up. There are a few dancers lined up, sitting in chairs all in black. They all have black feathered hats that look like ravens. They are all swaying back and forth in unison until the two in the middle part and Betsy, in a head to toe pink feathered bodysuit, struts in. Her hair is pink as well and I feel a pang of regret because I’m not privy to info like that anymore. I laugh out loud and quickly stifle it when she starts dancing. It’s a relatively upbeat song for being kind of sad. The ‘ravens’ don’t do very much except provide a stark background to her delightfully pink form and then there are parts where they lift her or catch her mid-flight.
My flamingo, surrounded by darkness. It’s a pretty genius concept that is probably lost on 99% of the people here. I love her so completely in that moment it takes my breath away. When the dance finishes, she gets a standing ovation from everyone, including me. I know when she sees me because she tenses up. I smile at her and hold my drink up in salute. She nods and then is whisked off stage.
I get out of there, sure in my resolve to win her back, sure that this plan will work.
Just the Big Number
THE SONG I’M SUPPOSED TO strip to was discussed ad nauseam. It was universally decided that everyone would dance to We are Family by Sister Sledge but the song I was to woo back my bestie was harder to pick. A few good ideas were offered and then there were the hurtful ones by Frank and my brother. They like to gang up on me sometimes. We met at our house the day we got back from Portland and brainstormed and had a mini rehearsal in my music room. Frank wrote a song for Mikey and we were learning it so we can surprise her at a show. Since I’m going for the big gesture, he’s decided to suck it up and go see Mikey on Friday, after our Ireland’s 32 show this Thursday.
Turns out Mikey got her grand gesture in before all of us. Leave it to the ladies to be one step ahead of us. We were doing a request night and when Lia had Frank pick a song, there was only one and it was the one he wrote for his woman. He looked up and there she was. Lia sang the song and it had a different ending giving Frank some good news. I think it’s good, he looked a little shocked, but hey that’s his story. I’m just glad he’s happy (relatively) and will be mildly pleasant to be around.
I spend all day Friday and Saturday rehearsing my dance. When I call Frank to see if he’ll lend me his skimpy surfing bathing suit for my routine, he tells me to go fuck myself. So, I get in the truck and head to a few stores until I hit the mother load in
the Castro at a store called Knobs. There I find a pair of black sparkly booty shorts with a sequined flamingo right on my dick. I know, perfect, right? Even better they have a bow tie with flamingos on it so I buy that too. Jack says it’s too Chippendale’s but I like it and I’m sure Betsy will get a kick out of it.
God, what if she thinks I’m making fun of her? What if she hates it? I can’t over think. If I can’t move her with flamingo hot pants, then she’s made of ice. I choose to wear my tuxedo as my outerwear and convince everyone else to wear their formal stuff. When Lia arrives, she is wearing a hot pink sequin dress and her hair is up and looks complicated.
“Did you get Paul to do your hair?” I ask as she sits at the kitchen bar. I place a glass of ginger ale in front of her and she smiles.
“I did, he should be here in a few. I promised him he could come. When I told him you were stripping down to hot pants, he begged me.” Lia’s friend Paul is great. He is brilliant, and funny, and can help me.
“Oh awesome, I’m going to ask him to oil my chest,” I say.
Lia’s eyes pop wide open. “Are you sure? I mean, I can do it if it’s weird.”
“Why would it be weird? I know Paul admires my body, but everyone does, doesn’t mean he’s going to attack me.” I grew up here in San Francisco and have zero hang-ups about anyone’s sexuality. I just don’t roll that way. If you pressed me, I’d even tell you about a pretty wild night I had in college where I made out with a guy for hours. “If Paul wants to ogle me, he’s free to, it doesn’t bother me. He has a nice little butt I like to stare at too. I was just trying to spare your horny prego ass.”
Lia smirks, “You guys are way too much alike. He’s going to have a mini heart attack when you ask him to oil you up.”
“What’s this about oiling someone up?” Speak of the devil. Paul breezes in looking stylish and fancy in his tuxedo.
“Wow, you look smashing, Paulie,” Lia says and he does a little catwalk and twirl for us.
“I know you said I didn’t have to wear my tux, but I’ll take any excuse to throw my Armani on, birch.” He fake flips his hair and turns to me. “Please tell me I get to see what’s under this robe, Joe.” He makes prayer hands and puppy dog eyes at me.
“Yes, come with me now,” I take his hand and bring him to my room. “I want you to oil me up.” I hand him the oil I bought at a store next to where I got my hot pants.
He quickly whips his jacket off and rolls up his sleeves. I hand him a clean robe he can wear so he doesn’t get any on his beautiful suit. I laugh at his eagerness. “This is like a wish come true,” he whimpers.
“I’m happy to grant your wish,” I say. “There’s no one else I’d trust to do a thorough job.”
“Jesus, hold on I have to text Dante,” he says and takes his phone out, snaps a picture of me in my hot pants and bow tie, and texts it to his husband. His phone pings immediately. “Dante says whatever you’re selling, he’s buying. I think you’re going to blow Betsy’s hair back for sure.”
“Thanks, Paul,” I say as he squirts oil on my chest.
* * *
We’ve managed to keep Betsy in the dark during the first half of the show. Lia worked her magic with the owner of the theater and we were able to talk to the other performers and they were delighted to help. They all love Betsy. Her software job was even easier. Her boss was already in love with me because I sent wieners, and turns out they all adore her there too. Jeannette, Don, Luz, Marisol, and Denver are all here too, as well as the band. They have us in a private room behind the balcony and during the intermission is when we make our move.
When the lights go up, we get a text from Eugenio, the simulated sex guy, turns out he’s gay and has been rooting for me the whole time.
Eugenio: The bird has left the nest.
Me: Cute, the flock is heading south then.
Eugenio: Nice. Go to stage left since she’s going the other way.
We get to the stage and the band quickly sets up behind the curtain. All the people in Betsy’s life also get on stage. They are in all pastel colors, like the many different shades of her hair. When I took a peek out of our room during her sparkle tits routine, I was able to see she’s back to the light blue hair that makes her eyes look silver and otherworldly. I’m nervous and I can’t decide if I’m more nervous about the We Are Family dance or my solo number. There’s a middle curtain and that one goes down behind the band but in front of the crowd of Betsy’s people. The only person in front is Jeannette. She admitted to Lia that she was a ballerina in her younger years and missed the stage so she volunteered to be out in the spotlight first. She is beautiful in a light coral dress with a matching hat. There are no shoes on her feet and everyone else agreed to go barefoot.
The curtain goes up as we begin to play and Lia sings the opening refrain at a bit of a slower tempo than the original. I see Betsy sitting at a table in the front row looking completely bewildered and then shocked when she sees Jeannette standing in first position with her arms gracefully above her head. Her smile is wide and her eyes are watery when Jeannette starts dancing. Her head turns to me and the smile I get sets me at ease.
“Bets, we are your family and we just wanted to let you know how much we love you,” Lia says before jumping into the rest of the song.
One after another all of the people who care for Betsy appear from behind the middle curtain. They each do a little dance move and Betsy is loving every minute. She is laughing, crying and clapping at all the love. When her boss comes out and starts to twerk, she falls off her chair she’s laughing so hard. Her dancing friends try not to upstage everyone else too much but they do get everyone organized into a kick line and that is a big hit with the audience and Betsy.
Finally, Jack, who has been hiding behind Frank and his standup bass, slinks out onto the floor. He does some pretty great dance moves and then some acrobatics. Betsy has her hands over her mouth but her eyes are smiling despite the tears running down her cheeks. He joins the kick line and then Lia steps down. She shimmies in her pink dress and flings her feathery cream-colored boa around. Frank follows putting his bass down and does an impressive worm. I can hear Jen and Mikey whooping when he finishes and jumps up to join the kick line. They are sitting with Betsy. They held the table through the first half of the show since Betsy had never met them. Last but not least, Andrew flicks his drumsticks up and does his awkward hip thrusting dance we always beg him to stop doing, including his daughter, Mae.
I’m left alone on the side of the stage still playing the guitar and everyone kicking. I do a little gyrating just to tease the crowd and I get a healthy response. I end the song and the kicking stops but the line of people stay put. Slowly, I take my guitar off and return to the mic.
“Let’s hear it for our beautiful Betsy,” I say, pointing in her direction and everyone applauds when the spotlight goes to her. “We wanted to let you know, B, that we know your biological family sucks, but your San Francisco family can’t be denied. We are family, and you are loved.”
I stare right at her and she her tears are flowing now. “You are most loved by me,” I say, my voice cracking at the end. “So, what better way to show you my love by shedding what speck of shame I have left.”
The lights go down and all of the people in the kick line turn their personal set of sparkly twinkle lights on. Most have them around their neck but some, like Fucking Frank, Don, and Jack, have them in other places. Don has his around his hips and dangling in front of his crotch the old pervert. Frank has his around his head like a halo, and Jack has his wrapped around his thigh. The best is Jeannette though because she made hers into a bra.
While Betsy is distracted by the lights, I step to the middle of the stage and flick my bowtie and turn my own lights on. Mine are wrapped around the tie and drape down my back like a cape. The spotlight hits me as the music starts and I begin to dance.
Just Feathers
I BLOCK EVERYTHING OUT EXCEPT the music. The jaunty guitar starts
and then Daryl Hall’s lovely tenor starts singing and my hips start moving. I chose You Make My Dreams Come True because I wanted something upbeat and I know she listens to Hall and Oates when she needs cheering up. I want to cheer her up forever.
My dance is pretty much shaking my hips, running in place and swaying from side to side. In the middle of the first chorus is when I start to undress. I start with my jacket, working it around my waist, then flinging it to the side of the stage. Then comes the shirt and that’s when the crowd goes nuts, naturally, and even more so when I flex my guns for all to see.
I make a total fool of myself dancing around the stage until I finally whip my belt off and start to pull my pants down while facing away from the audience so they get a booty shot first. The flamingo is my big reveal so I drop my pants and look over my shoulder making a pretend surprise look. I try to twerk like Betsy’s boss but I just pop my ass out but the crowd eats it up. The song is almost over so I shyly turn around, covering my crotch with my hands. I make sure I have my eyes locked with Betsy and then I lift my hands and make them jazzy.
Her smile is glorious and I know I’ve got her. She is clapping, wiping tears and wolf whistling her heart out and I know I’ve convinced her. I jump down from the stage in nothing but a bow tie and hot pants directly in front of her chair so the flamingo is face level. My hand goes out and she takes it, jumps up and hugs me with her full body, legs wrapped around my back. Put my hands on her ass and walk her up the stairs, as the crowd hoots and hollers at us. I take her into the private room we were in, and lock the door. The music starts again as the next performer comes on.
Just Joe ~ Jen Luerssen Page 16
