The Farmer's Daughter: The Dragon Dream: Book One

by Robin Janney

  He laughed. “I might have had that problem earlier.” When she said nothing else, he sobered and asked, “Are the panic attacks related to the PTSD?”

  “Yes. No. It’s complicated.”

  That seemed to be all she wanted to say. He let the matter drop, finishing his meal. Perhaps he’d call Kevin later; he’d have advice to give since he knew more about these terms.

  “Do you suppose Jared will still want popcorn after all those sandwiches he ate?” Craig asked, rising from his seat. He placed his dirty dishes with Jared’s in the sink. He’d put them in the dishwasher later.

  “Probably. I’m surprised he didn’t have more.” Angela slipped off her seat, careful to avoid stepping on Princess. “He’s been growing a lot recently.” She placed her dishes in the sink as well, turning the faucet on to rinse off her fingertips. He pointed to the towel hanging on the oven door when she looked around.

  Craig put a bag of popcorn in the microwave, more unsettled by her silence than he wanted to let on. He wanted to press the issue, to demand to know what had happened. Jared had said their father looked like he’d wanted to hurt their pastor. That didn’t sound like it had been a simple accidental scare to him. Her smiles weren’t reaching her eyes. “Angela…”

  “It’s fine, Craig, really. I’m going to go check on Jared.” She didn’t glance at him before heading in the direction of the living room. She didn’t even acknowledge the dog on her heels.

  “The popcorn’s almost done,” he called after her. “I’ll be in soon.”

  Whatever had happened, it was still bothering her enough to flee from him. What about him still scared her? The popcorn’s popping sounds slowed down, and he decided it was done enough. He stopped the microwave and pulled the steaming bag out. Shaking it as he walked, he stepped into the living room.

  He handed the bag to Jared, who tore into it as only a twelve-year-old could. Jared offered the bag to his sister, but she shook her head no.

  “I’m full, Jared,” she said.

  “More for me,” the youth laughed, stretching out on his stomach across the floor.

  Craig smiled as he dimmed the overhead light and hit the necessary buttons to start the DVD of Batman Begins playing. He had wanted to sit on the couch next to Angela, but she was already stretched across the length of it. Still, he was glad to see she was beginning to relax. He sat in his armchair, further amused to see Princess hopping up on the couch with Angela. The mid-sized dog settled behind her human’s legs, head on the young woman’s top leg.

  The movie played on, Craig only half watching it. He couldn’t stop himself from glancing over to Angela every so often. She’d been pleased when she learned he’d bought the just released to DVD movie, but she seemed to be having trouble keeping her eyes open. Sure enough, about halfway through, he noticed she’d succumbed and was asleep.

  He rose quietly and pulled the red and blue afghan his grandmother had made him years ago down over her. Princess lifted her head long enough for Craig to cover her legs as well. He patted the dog’s head affectionately before returning to his seat.

  It wasn’t until the credits were rolling that Jared noticed his sister. He seemed relieved as he stood and stretched. “Good. She’s needs sleep.”

  “Oh?” asked Craig innocently, rising to his feet. He kept his voice as low as Jared’s, thinking of the irony of the situation. The Fearless Angela Carman peacefully curled up on the couch of the man who’d once set her running. Who still set her running, truth be known.

  Jared nodded. “She doesn’t sleep well, never has for as long as I’ve been alive. I know she was up way too early this morning, cuz I heard her checking the door.” He looked up at the older man. “Can we leave her there awhile? She looks comfortable.”

  “Sure,” he said. In fact, Craig thought Angela looked at home on his couch. “Come on, let’s go out to the kitchen.”

  Jared followed him out to the other room and sat at the island. “You have any Pepsi left?”

  “Of course.” Craig fetched two sodas out of the refrigerator and passed one to the youth. He sat on a stool himself and cracked his can open. “I haven’t been without soda since my college days.”

  “Mom doesn’t like us having soda,” the youth said, opening his own. “Says it’s not good for our teeth. Angela lets me drink it when I hang with her. She lets me do a lot of stuff Mom doesn’t like. Says what Mom doesn’t know, won’t hurt her.” He paused long enough to drink. “I think Mom knows though.”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised,” Craig remarked dryly.

  “Craig, can I ask you something?” The youth wrapped his hands around his soda can and looked so serious.

  “Sure,” he said, wondering what he was opening himself up to.

  “Do you worry about my sister?”

  “How do you mean?” How could Craig admit to the kid that worrying about Angela was a near constant thing?

  Jared shrugged. “She pushes herself like there’s no tomorrow. She says it’s to save the farm, but she was like this before. She doesn’t slow down.”

  “She’s running,” he commented without thinking.

  “Exactly.” Jared nodded. “You do worry.”

  Craig nodded. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

  “Of course, we as Christians shouldn’t worry. It’s hard not to though.”

  “Why shouldn’t we worry?” asked Craig, not willing to tell the youth he hadn’t considered himself a Christian for years.

  “Because worry shows you’re not trusting God to do his job,” answered Jared, taking sips of his soda as he spoke. “He’s a big God, and He’s got everything in His hand. From sparrows to His children. Satan even has to get permission to do stuff to us.”

  Craig did not remember anything like that from his days of Sunday school. His clearest memories were of David and Goliath, the parting of the Red Sea, Jesus feeding the multitudes and walking on water. “Oh really?”

  “Yeah. We see it in the book of Job when Satan has to get permission to persecute Job.”

  “Job?” Maybe he’d dig his old Bible out and investigate it. After all, he was discussing theology with a twelve-year-old. He decided to change the subject. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.”

  “What happened when your sister was ten?”

  Jared hesitated. “You weren’t here yet, were you? It must have happened before you came. This isn’t going to seem fair, Craig, but I’m not going to tell you. We all know what happened, but no one talks about it anymore. Angela doesn’t react well. Her friend Michelle wouldn’t have known anything about it if Mom hadn’t told her.” The boy shuddered. “That’s still a sore point between them, so no offense – I’d rather not get my sister mad at me. She’d never let me stay over again.” The youth smiled briefly. “Besides, Angela needs to face whatever she’s running from and I think you’re just the person to help her.”

  “Me? What makes you say that?”

  “Just a gut feeling,” said Jared with a shrug.

  “It wouldn’t be anything like your sister’s would it?”

  “Angela told you about her knowings?” he asked, surprised. “Wow. She doesn’t talk about them much. Did she tell you about the time she chased a tornado?”

  “She chased it?” Now Craig was the one surprised. Astounded was more like it. “No, she didn’t mention that part. She just told me she knew it was coming.”

  “You’ll have to get Dad to tell it to you some time. He tells those stories the best, mostly because he was there. I was too young.”

  Several things clicked for Craig all at once. Jared was too young. So, when she had blown up at him after Princess’s accident, it couldn’t have been Jared she was talking about when she’d mentioned being unable to get her brother’s attention. No, he’d have been the one her mother would have been pregnant with.

  “Hey, Craig? Where’d you go?” Jared was waving a hand in front of the older man’s face.

  “I just figured part of
it out.” He wondered if the boy would answer his next question. “What’s his name?”

  “Whose name?”

  “Your older brother.”

  The youth was silent as he played with the tab of the soda can. When he spoke, his voice was hushed as if he was afraid of being overheard by his sister. “His name was Randy.”

  Past tense. He sighed sadly. “I wish she’d talk to me about it.”

  “You and everybody else!” The boy snorted softly, reminiscent of Angela. “She’s never talked about it. I don’t even think she’s told Mom and Dad everything about that day. Keep trying, Craig. If she’s going to open up to anyone, it’ll be you. She told you about her knowings, so you’re probably about the best friend she has right now.”

  Craig didn’t answer. He looked at his watch, frowned at the time. “It’s getting late, kid. I hate to send you away, but tomorrow’s a school day for both of you. Finish your soda and I’ll wake your sister.”

  “Okay.”

  Craig left the kitchen and returned to the living room. Angela had shifted enough that their dog was now laying on the floor next to the couch. He didn’t want to wake her, but he had to. He bent over her, hoping something like this wouldn’t scare her like she’d been scared earlier in the day. He’d have to ask her someday what her boundaries were. He shook her shoulder gently. “Angela, honey, wake up.”

  Princess raised her head to watch.

  The young woman stirred and groaned a little. “Five more minutes?” she asked sleepily.

  Craig smiled. “Afraid not. You have to get Jared home.” He brushed hair away from her face. “It’s a school night, remember.”

  “Mmm,” she groaned again. “Did Batman save the day?”

  “He did.” She sounded more like herself than she had before her nap, and a part of him relaxed.

  “Alright,” she said. “Give me some room so I can stretch.”

  He stepped back and averted his eyes. Every fiber in his being wanted to watch her, but the afghan probably covered what he wanted to see anyway. God, what a lecher he was becoming.

  “You have a nice home,” said Angela once she was on her feet.

  “Thank you,” he said, watching her fold the afghan. He hooked his thumbs into his jeans pockets. “I enjoyed having you guys over today. Would you like to come again next Sunday?”

  “Sure…” She sat the afghan down on the end of the couch, then hesitated. “Wait a minute…is this why you want to give me Sundays off?”

  He shrugged. “Maybe.”

  Angela shot him an amused look. “Maybe, huh? Okay. With or without Jared?”

  “With. At least for a while.” He felt like such a coward.

  “Sure, no problem. I’m sure my parents won’t mind. Uhm, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving yet?”

  “I usually go out to the cabin in Montana, both for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It reminds me of my Grandma Annie.” And it was a place where he didn’t have to witness the love and warmth of holiday gatherings and celebrations.

  “Oh.” She bent long enough to pet Princess. “Do you spend it with family then?”

  “No. Why do you want to know? About my plans, I mean.” What was she up to?

  She drew a deep breath. “I was wondering, would you like to join my family for Thanksgiving dinner? We sometimes have a few friends join us along with other family. I’m not sure who’s all coming this year. The entire thing with Susan shook a few family tree limbs. But if you have plans already, that’s alright.” She smiled without deceit. “I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask.”

  Craig regarded her quietly. His heart was pounding in his chest as he wondered to what lengths he would go to just to see her smile. “I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

  “I already talked to my mom, and she said it would be alright with them. You wouldn’t be intruding. Honest.”

  “I’ll think about it,” he said, unwilling to commit too deeply. It had taken all his courage to have her in his home. He wasn’t sure he was ready for a family gathering yet.

  “Okay, that’s fine. Just let me know what you decide. Uhm, where’s your bathroom?”

  “There’s one just down the hall on the right.” He watched her disappear down the hallway. Once again, their dog followed her. She’d been so calm. How else had he expected her to react to his not quite refusal? She’d never resort to begging. He bet she’d never had to beg for anything in her life, all she had to do was smile. Craig returned to the kitchen, determined not to think about her invitation until much later.

  All too soon, Angela and Jared had thanked him and left. He was alone again, aside from Princess who whined a little and sniffed around the kitchen floor.

  He waited a few minutes in the empty house, listening to the suffocating silence. When he thought enough time had elapsed, he opened the door and sent Princess outside to do her business. He stood in the open doorway, keeping an eye on her. Looking up the incline between his home and the Dodge’s apartment building, he could see the tail lights of Angela’s car as she pulled into the apartment building’s parking area. Princess returned, and he shut the door behind them, locking it for the night.

  How could he feel so lost in his own home? For the first time since moving here, it no longer felt like a home. It felt like a huge empty house. He thought he had been prepared to have Angela in his home, but he never gave a thought to what it would feel like to have her leave.

  “Oh my God,” Craig whispered in the emptiness. He wandered from room to room, at last sitting in his home office. He thought about sketching, but he was afraid of what might come out. His mind kept going to the image of her stretched out on his couch. He pulled his Bible off the small bookshelf against the wall behind his desk and found the book of Job. And there it was in black and white…God gave permission for his children to be hurt.

  He returned the Bible to the shelf in anger. “Why?”

  Leaving the office, he found his way back to the living room. Lifting the afghan which had covered Angela, Craig breathed in the scent of her. If he ever learned which perfume she wore, he would buy every bottle just so she’d never run out. There was a faint warmth to the blanket still. He hugged it to himself and sat on the couch.

  Princess sat down in front of her sad owner, whining as she placed her chin on his knees. With one hand, he ran his hand over the dog’s head.

  “I know, Princess. I want her to come back too.”

  Craig closed his eyes, trying to choke down the emotions he was feeling. How long was he going to fight this? Kevin kept saying that what he was feeling was normal, but he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. He was tired of all this. The loneliness overwhelmed him. He was tired of this never-ending battle. Tired of hiding behind the facade he presented, tired of being emotionally distance. If he were to die in his sleep tonight, there would be no one in this little town who’d mourn.

  Except that wasn’t entirely true. Angela mattered to him, and he was certain she cared for him too. Beyond her and Jared, he couldn’t forget that precocious boy, there was no one else.

  And he had so isolated himself that he couldn’t let them care for him the way they wanted to. Who was he kidding? He couldn’t let Angela care for him, couldn’t love her in return the way she deserved. He’d been in this town for more than ten years, and this was the first time he’d had visitors in his house. It wasn’t a home, it was a house. He hadn’t even known the Carmans had three kids, let alone four. That was almost pathetic.

  There’s no almost about it. You are pathetic through and through, mocked the quiet voice inside.

  Tired of fighting this losing battle, Craig rose to his feet, carrying the blanket with Angela’s lingering scent along with him. Climbing the stairs to his bedroom, he was barely aware of the whining dog nudging at his legs. He pressed Princess gently out of his way, so as not to trip over her. Leaving the room dark, he sat on the edge of the bed. Princess climbed up next to him, nudging his side and whining.

  Ignorin
g the dog, Craig opened the top drawer of his bedside table and reached for the pistol inside. Slamming the clip into the handle, he pulled the hammer back, and placed the barrel under his chin. One shot was all it would take, and then he could have peace.

  Angela will never forgive herself if you do this.

  But he couldn’t stop the pain, even with that knowledge. He couldn’t give her what she wanted, no matter how much he wanted to. He couldn’t accept what she wanted to give. No matter how desperately he wanted to.

  Visions of Veronica danced in his mind…Pathetic boy, how will you ever please a woman with that?…You’re doing it wrong…Aren’t you ever going to get it right?…Tim was better at this than you…Do it again! He felt the sting of her slaps all over again. Repeatedly.

  His finger trembled on the trigger, the dog whining behind him. Some part of him was screaming at himself to stop, the other was a seductive whisper…

  Just do it already. You’ve never measured up your entire life. That hasn’t changed. Your father won’t even miss you, what makes you think anyone else will?

  Just. Pull. The. Trigger.

  The phone rang, causing him to gasp and jump. His face was wet, had he been crying? He lowered the gun as the phone rang again. All he wanted was to take away Angela’s pain, but he couldn’t even stop his own. All he wanted was to love her. The phone rang a third time. He set the gun down on the bed beside him and picked the receiver up. Struggling to make his voice sound normal, he pushed the ‘on’ button and held it to his ear. “Hello?”

  “Hey buddy! I was beginning to think you’d gone to bed early tonight.”

  Craig was confused. “What? No…no…I was just…why are you calling?”

  “Just seeing how you’re doing,” answered Kevin. “I haven’t heard from you since Princess was hit. Is everything okay?”

  “No.” Nothing was ‘okay’. He wanted to die. Anything to end the pain he was in.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.” He had barely been able to confess to the dog that he wanted Angela to come back. The dog who sat at his side, her head sitting on his shoulder. She’d been trying to stop him. His friend was still waiting on the other end of the phone. “Would you care if I were to die tonight?”