by Sara Arden
Could he watch Sophie run toward danger instead of away from hit? He slumped, because he couldn’t. He’d been right when he’d thought it wasn’t fair to ask that of someone.
“Dad had to watch Mom do it. She didn’t quit for him. She quit for us. She didn’t think it was fair to ask that of her children.”
“Dad’s a better man than I am,” Hayden confessed easily.
“I could rattle your teeth. This isn’t about that. Watch the video.” He held the phone up again and Hayden did as his brother had asked.
He watched himself burst from the truck. Watched him run hellbent for leather toward the edge of the bridge and watch him leap over the side as if what was beneath him didn’t matter. In the moment, it hadn’t.
Memories of the water pulling him down, crushing him, filling his lungs crashed into him. As did the memory of that girl’s hand in his, of seeing her breathing and loaded up into the back of the ambulance.
“Do you see it?”
“It looks like more than it was, if that’s what you mean.” Okay, so yeah. It was a little nuts. He could acknowledge that, but so were a lot of things they both did on a daily basis.
“No, I don’t think so. Do you need to watch it again?”
“Maybe you could just tell me what you’re trying to beat me over the head with here?” Hayden demanded. Anything so he didn’t have to look at that video one more time.
Royce sighed as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. “Okay, what if that were me?”
“I’d say you were a crazy bastard.”
“Okay. Right.” Royce nodded. “Now, think about it.”
“We’ve both seen each other do crazy things. You remember the time you jumped with that dog off the roof of the old Five and Dime?”
“I wasn’t going to leave him and he kept biting me. There was an inflatable deployed. He bounced. So did I. It was fine.” Royce waved it off.
“And I was fine.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t look for the inflatable. At no time did you take a moment to inhale and assess the situation. Remember what Dad taught us? Inhale the facts, make your decision, exhale into the action.” He snapped his fingers. “Quick thinking in emergencies, but still thinking. Acting to help others while safeguarding ourselves. You didn’t even blink, Hayden.”
Hayden scrubbed his hand over his face. “We’ve been over this. You know what happens when I blink. People get hurt.”
“You can rationalize it all you want. Hell, you can do whatever you want. But if you don’t change something, you’re going to lose her.”
“I knew she couldn’t handle it.” She was just like all the others, then, wasn’t she? She wanted a hero, but not when it came time to actually be heroic.
“Jesus Christ, Hayden. Will you listen to yourself right now? Watch it again, but it’s not you. It’s not even her. It’s Dad. It’s me. Don’t try to tell me the only reaction you have to that is to think we’re crazy, and if that’s honestly all you have to say, you were right. You shouldn’t be with anyone and you shouldn’t be part of the team, either.”
It seemed like the whole world had been ripped from him in that moment. Everything he knew, everything he loved, it was all gone.
“Are you speaking for Lucky Seven?” He begged any power that might be listening that this wasn’t happening.
Royce watched him for a long moment that seemed to stretch hours, but Hayden knew it had only been seconds. “I shouldn’t have to. You are dangerous. To yourself, to the team, to the people that you say you want to save.”
“What do you want me to do? Quit?”
“No, brother. I want you well.” Royce clamped a hand on his back. “I want you living the life you want, but man, you need to be living it. Not just existing between moments of daring the Almighty to strike you down. You know what I’m saying?”
“I don’t see it that way.”
“Don’t you? You said that after what happened to Sophie, you were determined that you’d never hesitate again. You’d never put yourself above the person you were trying to help is really what you meant. So you don’t give yourself a chance to even feel the fear. Actually, what Sophie said was that you don’t value yourself.”
“Oh, come on. That’s bullshit.” The betrayal cut deep, even though underneath it all, he knew they were right.
“That’s what I said.” Royce nodded slowly. “Until I saw the footage for myself.”
“Why were you and Sophie talking about me anyway?” he growled.
“First, because she loves you. She’s loved you since you carried her out of an inferno. Second, because I asked her to help me with the benefit for Ben’s Place.”
“How would you like it if I just went to Livie had a long talk with her about you?”
“You know what, if it’s warranted, you go on ahead.”
“Maybe it is. You’ve been in love with Livie Dodd since high school.”
“And going over to her house and telling her my secrets, what exactly will that fix? Will it change how she feels about me? No. It might make her stop talking to me. Will it help me in any way? Will it help her?”
The words on his tongue next burned bitter. And just like the fire, he knew he had to walk through it. “Sophie told you that she was going to leave me?”
“Not exactly, but you guys need to have a serious talk.”
“I love her.”
Royce blinked slowly. “I don’t know that she’d believe you, if you were to tell her.”
That knowledge hit him like a wrecking ball. Looking at his brother, all he could think was maybe he was right.
Except he couldn’t be.
If Royce was right, it meant that he was exactly the fraud he felt like.
“She’s going to talk to you and it would probably be good for you both if you would listen.”
“I always listen to her,” he defended himself.
“Do you listen or do you actually hear what she’s saying to you?”
“I don’t want to leave Seven,” he blurted.
“I don’t want you to leave Seven. But here’s the thing, Hayden. You know how you felt when you saw what happened to Sophie? You know how it’s changed your whole life? Multiply that by a hundred, at least. That’s what it will do to me if something happens to you.”
“I don’t understand how you don’t want me to quit Seven, then?” His brother wasn’t making any sense.
“Because being a fireman is part of who you are. It’s how you’ve defined yourself. Even being a crazy bastard, you’re good at it. Like you said, those girls are alive because of you. But if you don’t fix yourself, next time, maybe they won’t be. Next time, maybe you won’t be.”
He knew his brother wasn’t the hand-wringing type. Hell, Royce had been the one who got him to climb on top of the concession stand at high school football game and had tied a blanket around his neck and convinced him that he could fly. He’d even given him a push to get him started.
He’d also given him a broken arm.
Royce had been consigned to the park with a squeegee and a box full of freezer bags on pooper scooper duty for a month to teach him a lesson.
“I’ll listen to what she has to say. I’ll even take it under consideration.”
“Good.” Royce slapped his shoulder again. “I know this wasn’t what you wanted to hear. It’s hard to be told about yourself, but sometimes, it just has to happen. I emailed you that footage so you can watch again without me perched on your shoulder.”
Hayden didn’t say anything. He’d never look at the damn thing again.
“I’ve got to get back to the station. I’ll see you tomorrow at Grammie Rose’s for dinner?”
“Yeah, I’m supposed to bring Sophie.”
“Good.”
“Still going over to Livie’s,” he called after his brother.
“Do it, and you’ll die an ugly death,” Royce called back, his tone extra cheerful.
Hayden waited until he was
gone and pulled up his email, opening the attachment. He watched the footage again.
On the first viewing, he didn’t see anything wrong. To him, it looked as if he’d done everything right. He remembered making those judgments as he passed the trucker helplessly wringing his hands. As he saw the car disappearing underneath the water. As the river pulled him down.
He knew where the bank was, knew that he had to get those girls safe. He’d made sure to dive toward the center of the river where he knew it was the deepest. He knew how the undertow worked, he’d helped pull Ben from the river.
Hayden thought about Ben, then. About how he looked cold and still in his casket, Livie sitting alone with her spine impossibly straight.
He superimposed the images of himself in Ben’s place and Sophie in Livie’s. The thought of leaving her like that was agony, but what made him special? What made him get to stay with Sophie while Ben had died?
He looked back to the footage. Dumb luck, obviously.
He didn’t know what anyone would expect him to do differently. If he’d waited even another second, Clarissa would be dead.
That was worth it. For him, it would always be worth it.
Hayden was having trouble reconciling that with the conversation he’d just had with his brother because Royce felt the same way he did. Royce put his life on the line just like he did. He never hesitated to walk through fire. To jump off a burning building all to save a puppy…
His thoughts drifted toward what his brother had said about living in between moments. He put the phone down with a sigh. Royce was right about that. Hayden hadn’t been bringing Sophie to life like he’d first thought, but himself.
He realized he didn’t feel like he was breathing until that alarm clanged to furious life. Or when he was with Sophie.
He’d already told her she deserved better, but she’d been so quick to reassure him that she wasn’t going to ask him for more than he could give her.
Maybe she and Royce both wanted more from him than what he was capable of being?
Picking up the phone, he sighed and tried again to do as Royce had asked. The fact that he couldn’t, that was part of the problem, wasn’t it?
He hated it when Royce was right.
Suddenly, the man on the screen wasn’t him. It was his dad.
Everything clicked and his whole world crumbled. If he’d seen his father do this, it would go against everything he’d taught them about safety, about survival, and Hayden would wonder if the man had a death wish.
At the time, while he was living it, Hayden had thought he was doing all the right things, but looking at it like this, Royce was right.
Damn it.
12
Sophie debated whether or not she should go to dinner at Grammie Rose’s.
It was only prolonging the inevitable, but Royce had reassured her she should come.
If she was honest, she didn’t want to face Hayden knowing that Royce had spoken to him. It felt like the flu and she knew she was going to be sick, but kept hoping against hope she wouldn’t.
It was probably better just to get it over with and rip the bandaid off, but when Hayden showed up at her door in his Sunday finest, slacks and a shirt so blue it matched his eyes, she couldn’t deny herself the indulgence.
“I really like that dress.” He eyes raked over her and she shivered with delight. His obvious approval made her belly tighten with anticipation.
“I’ll wear it for you every day, then.” The words sounded hollow to her ears.
“I never knew how much I liked pink until I saw it on you.”
Her cheeks heated. “Stop making me blush.”
“Grammie Rose will approve.”
“Oh! I made her some divinity as a thanks for having me. I should’ve asked, does she like it?”
“She loves it.”
She handed him the small tin of divinity fudge and grabbed her purse. “Not before dinner,” Sophie cried as she saw him take the lid off.
“Definitely before dinner. You’re the one who said dessert first.” He winked at her. “My grammie expects me to taste test it for her.”
“You’re a very bad boy. I bet you got switched all the time.”
“Nope. Never a once.” He popped a piece in his mouth. “However, I have had to scrub the toilets at the firehouse with a toothbrush. I’d rather have had the switch, thanks.”
“What did you do to earn that?”
“I told Bobby McClendon that fires were started by fire fairies and we kept them at the station. Then I said if he pulled Kate Warner’s hair one more time, I was going to send them to his house. My dad thought if I was going to tell people that we kept fairies, I should look for them.”
“In the latrine?”
“Yes, that’s where he was sure they were hidden.” He laughed. “I suppose it wasn’t nice. He had nightmares about his house burning down until middle school. He was convinced I knew what I was talking about since my dad was the fire chief.”
“At least he stopped pulling Kate’s hair.”
“Nah, he still pulls her hair every time he sees her. You should’ve seen him when she cut it. He was like a lost puppy.”
She brought her hand to her own shorn hair, suddenly a little self-conscious. She’d managed to forget about her scars for a while, but thinking about Kate’s hair, it made her miss her own in a way. It had been a kind of armor, a shield.
“I, however, am not a lost puppy.” He slipped his hand around the nape of her neck and pulled her toward him.
His fingers on her neck caused electric desire to spark through her body and she leaned into him for his kiss.
“If you keep this up, we won’t make it to Grammie’s,” she murmured.
“Nope, we sure won’t.” He kissed her again.
His lips on hers were bittersweet, there was something different about the way he kissed her. The way he touched her.
When they broke apart, he looked into her eyes for a long moment. “I’m glad you’re coming with me today. I’ve never brought anyone to Grammie’s.”
His confession twisted her heart and turned it inside out. She shouldn’t go. She should tell him now…
“Let’s go. They’ll only save the legs so long before they’re passed to the next person on the list.”
She laughed. “What do you mean?”
“A chicken only has two legs. As the youngest, I always get first dibs. Unless I’m late, then it’s Dad’s call and he will eat them all.”
“Well, we’ll bribe her with the fudge.”
“You’re a good woman, Sophie,” he said, serious.
“Can’t let my favorite guy go without his Grammie’s chicken.” She licked her lips. “Seriously, though. Your grandmother’s chicken is the best. You know that’s the only reason I agreed to go with you.”
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them. Not because they were true, but because she had other reasons for backing out.
“That’s valid.” He put his arm around her waist. “If she wasn’t my granny, I’d do whatever I had to to get an invitation to her table.”
Once she was settled in the truck, it was a short ride to his grandmother’s house. If only things could be different, this would’ve been her future. Home. Family. Sunday dinners.
Her nose tingled and tears pricked the back of her eyes, but she pushed them down. Now was for enjoying. Now was for experiencing. She could cry later when it was all gone.
They pulled up to a little house in the older part of town. It was a Craftsman styled bungalow, painted yellow with a white door. Pink tea roses lined the walk and the strains of Dean Martin trilled through the screen door.
Bill’s Mustang was already there, as was Royce’s truck.
“Looks like we’re last.”
“Yes, but we have your magic fudge.”
He took her hand and led her inside. It smelled like fried chicken, apple pie, and peppermint. Much like most grandmothers’ houses.
&n
bsp; Rose made a beeline for her as soon as she stepped through the door.
“Sweet Sophie!” The woman embraced her. It wasn’t the timid embrace of a first meeting, or a casual acquaintance. It was the hard squeeze of relation who hadn’t seen you in much too long.
“It’s good to see you, Rose.”
“Grammie, if you like.”
“Grammie,” she repeated around the lump in her throat.
“What’s your favorite part of the chicken? My grandsons have their orders in.”
“I don’t care. It’s all good.”
“That’s the best answer. You’re a good girl, Sophie Benedict.” Rose put an arm around her. “I haven’t finished up this mess of beans. My Allie says you’re great at helping in the kitchen. Would you like to snap some beans?”
“I sure would.”
“Oh, hush. You don’t really, but I like that you’d indulge me.”
“No, really. I’d love to. I used to snap beans with my granny, until she died. I haven’t had beans from the garden since I was eight.”
“Oh, child. We need to remedy that directly. You know, they do cook up quick, especially if you’ve got a bit of ham to throw in the pot.” Grammie led her to the kitchen where Allison was already snapping beans.
Allison pushed a bowl toward her and motioned to the empty spot at the small table. “We saved you some, but only barely.”
She put on the apron and washed her hands before sitting down. “I forgot to give you the divinity I brought.”
Both Rose and Allison perked and spoke at the same time. “Divinity, you say?”
“Hayden has it. He already did the taste test. “
“I guess I’ll have to hold his chicken legs hostage.” Rose narrowed her eyes. “And the apple pie. You do like apple pie, don’t you, honey?”
“I love it. I’ve been eating so much since Hayden and I started seeing each other, I’m going to be fat as a piglet.” She patted her stomach, which growled in response to the idea of apple pie.
Or she would’ve been.
Why couldn’t her brain just shut up and let her have today?
Well, she answered herself, because it knew, just like her heart that it wasn’t real and the time for daydreaming and pretending was over.
