by Sara Arden
“Royce and I lucked out with you guys. I may not have thought so when I was scrubbing Lucky Seven toilets with my toothbrush, but I do know it. We both do.”
He was glad his father was the kind of man who wasn’t afraid of emotions. That Hayden could always speak his mind. Could always talk about what he was feeling and his dad was never the sort to tell him he shouldn’t feel. Or that he needed to “man up.” He didn’t hesitate to tell his sons or his employees not to whine, but he never made emotions out to be something that were weak.
Hayden hadn’t been doing a very good job of following the example the man had set for him.
All this self-introspection was casting a light on himself that he didn’t care for.
He’d said he didn’t know what he was without the guilt of what happened to Sophie handing over his head, but that wasn’t true. He did know and that was the problem.
He didn’t like what he found.
“So did we. I used to tell Royce when he was a kid that we have to love you, but nothing says we have to like you. That’s the thing about family. People are who they are and while your mom and I got to help mold you, there are some things that you’re solely responsible for. We like who you both are. You’re the kind of men who hoped you’d be.” Bill gave him a gentle smile. “And hey, we didn’t break you. So win, win!”
Hayden hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that. Even though he was a grown man, he still needed and wanted his father’s approval.
The phone rang and Bill said, “Hold on, let me get this. It’s probably your mom.”
“I’m going to grab my gear and head out.”
Bill nodded and answered the phone. “How’s my beautiful girl? Of course, I knew it was you. No. No. Maybe. I put in our order for a granddaughter. I know. Listen, everything in its own time. Speaking of time, so how about when I get home—”
And that was all Hayden needed to hear.
He was glad his parents were still in a mad kind of love, but he didn’t need details.
Of course, his mind turned back to Sophie.
He thought about her on short drive to the cabin. He thought about her while he was buying bait, and he thought about her as he took the boat out onto Ember Lake.
He wondered if she’d ever been fishing. If she liked it. He wondered if she was thinking about him. He wondered if they’d been married as long as his parents had, if they’d have phone calls like that.
He thought about her yellow couch with the roses.
Hayden could picture her sitting there so easily.
The thing he was afraid to let himself think about was a child. A girl with Sophie’s pretty blond hair and delicate features. A girl who could grow up to have dreams that would keep him up at night.
Like being a firefighter.
He tried to imagine what had happened on the bridge and his own child doing what Hayden himself had done.
It made him cold and sick to think about it.
Sophie. Sophie. Sophie.
She was the litany in his head. He knew she still wanted to be with him and he still wanted to be with her, but what did he have to offer her?
Nothing, yet.
Maybe it was enough that he knew the man he wanted to be?
He steered the boat out toward Rock Point, the best bass hung out in those waters and if he was honest, he liked watching the sun set there because it made the whole lake look like it had caught fire.
Even though he fought her, fire could be a beautiful beast.
After he found a place that felt right, he killed the little motor and dropped the anchor. Sitting back, he baited his hook and cast the line. His bobber hit the water with a light smack and Hayden found himself exhaling breaths he didn’t know he’d been holding.
It had been a long time since he’d been out on the lake and as it seemed to catch fire, he knew this was the right place for him.
There was a kind of symphony playing just for him: the croak of frogs, and the leg-violins of the crickets, the percussion being played by cicadas, and even a light show as the fireflies flickered on the shore.
He breathed in the night air and held it in his lungs for a long time.
These were simple pleasures.
Hayden couldn’t remember the last time he’d really been alone with himself. Not the down time between adrenaline rushes like Sophie had said. He’d been empty then—there, but not present.
Here, he was present. Here, he was alive.
The slight tug on the line had him at attention. He leaned forward, at the ready. The line tugged again, but Hayden waited for the fish on the other end to take it and run. The thing was testing him now. Fiddling to see if it was safe.
Or, he was too small to actually fit the bait in his mouth.
When he was a kid, he’d wondered what it was like from the fish’s perspective. To be just strolling along and to find a sandwich and take a bite, then to find yourself jerked up into space where you couldn’t breathe and strange creatures examined you to see if you were “good eating.”
His father had taken his question seriously and agreed it was probably no fun.
Royce had then proceeded to leave a half sandwich in various places for him to find for the whole summer. The one that really got him had been the one he’d left by the side of the bed.
Hayden grinned.
Maybe he did know more about himself after all. He knew that he was a total of his experiences, of the people who loved him. He knew that everything he wanted to be could be found in those places.
The line pulled tight and the bobber went under, and Hayden reeled in the fish. He fought like mad, so it was either really big, or a bluegill. Those little suckers liked to fight.
When he finally hauled it up, it was a bluegill. The biggest he’d ever seen. Most of the bluegill in Ember Lake got to be around a pound full grown. This one was at least two.
Looking at him, and the way he still fought on the line, Hayden decided to throw him back. He carefully removed the hook from his mouth.
“Live to fight another day, Grandfather.” He tossed him back into the water.
He’d most likely just tossed back the only dinner he was likely to catch, but that was okay. Hayden was content to sit and watch the bobber drift and the stars blinked on like tiny candles in faraway windows.
And again, he thought of Sophie.
Of how she left candles burning in the window for him.
He wondered if they were burning now.
16
“Sophie, can you help me with these chairs?” Livie asked her.
“Sure.” She helped her carry extra chairs from the storeroom to the dance floor where extra tables had been set up and decorating was underway for the annual First Responders Benefit.
“I think Ben half wanted to open a bar just to have a place to host this thing.”
“It makes sense. Why shouldn’t a first responder benefit from all the money going into this thing rather than some corporate shill?” Sophie agreed.
“Sometimes, I think he knew he was going to die.” Livie spread out a tablecloth. “Sorry, I’m always a little maudlin this time of year.”
“No, it’s okay. I want to hear whatever you have to say,” Sophie reassured her.
“Most people only want to talk about what a hero he was and I don’t want to hear that anymore. He chose them over me.” Livie sank down into one of the chairs and scrubbed a hand over her face. “God, that’s selfish and petty, isn’t it?”
“Actually…” She debated what she should say next. “Do you want Friend!Sophie or Therapist!Sophie, here?”
“Both, really.”
Sophie grinned. “I can totally do that because both will say similar things, but the packaging is different.”
“It’s all about the packaging.” She sighed.
“Friend!Sophie says that you know that’s not true. He didn’t choose anyone or anything over you. What happened to him happened while he was doing what he was called to d
o. Which was part of the reason you loved him. Therapist!Sophie says that anything you feel is okay and to stop fighting it. If you want to be mad at him, it’s okay to be mad at him. If you want everyone to shut up about what a hero he was, that’s fine to disengage. It’s fine to say you don’t want to hear it. Because he’s gone and you’re still here.”
“I know that’s how people cope with loss. I know I’m not the only one that loved him.”
Sophie nodded. “There is that to consider, but you know, neither Friend!Sophie or Therapist!Sophie is particularly concerned about those people at the moment. We’re concerned about you.”
“If I flipped out on someone, what would you tell them?”
“That you’re entitled to your grief and to give you space and do what you asked.”
“What if I wanted to sell this bar?” She looked around, seemingly to make sure no one had heard her. “I can’t believe I said that out loud.”
“That’s okay, too.”
“Really? I feel like it’s become such a drudgery. It’s like I’m the misery chick, you know? Oh, we have to go hang out at Ben’s this weekend because his widow will starve to death if we don’t throw some business her way. Everything about this place, fighting to keep it going, fighting to keep it from falling down around my ears, it’s just drudgery. This is not how I wanted to spend my life. There are reminders of him everywhere. Reminders of the life we had, the life we dreamed of, and the ashes are scattered all around me. I just don’t want to do this anymore.”
“The great thing is that you don’t have to.”
“Don’t I? What about Lucky Seven? It’s like this is a shrine to their brotherhood. Not just Ben, but all of them.”
“I happen to have it on good authority that if you want to unload this bar, the Lucky Seven guys would go in on it together and buy it from you.”
“I’m upside down in the loan.” Livie leaned back in the chair.
“That’s why they’d go in on it together. Why don’t you tell Royce what you’re thinking? He wants to help you.”
Livie flushed. “He’s done so much for me already, you’d think I was his wife.”
“He loves you. You’re family to all the Seven.”
“I know.” She fiddled with a cloth napkin after she folded it effortlessly into a swan. “I feel so guilty.”
Sophie sat down next to her. “Why?”
“Sometimes, I wish I’d never said yes to Ben when he asked me out in high school.”
“Why do you feel guilty? I see exactly why you would say that. You’d avoid this pain, this loss. Some people say love is worth it at all costs, to have it and lose it is better than to never have it all, but I don’t know that it’s true for all of us.”
“Is it true for you?”
Sophie should’ve expected the question but it hit her with all the force of a brick to the face and her nose prickled as if she’d actually been punched. “For me? Yes.”
“There’s more. Before Ben asked me out, Royce did, and I wish I’d said yes.”
Sophie leaned forward on her hands. “Really? Tell me.”
“No, it’s silly. It was high school.”
“Come on.” She grinned. “Why did you say no?”
She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “To be honest, I thought it was some kind of joke. I mean, mousy little me and Royce Cole, quarterback and King of Ember High? Nope.”
“Hmm. Yet, here he is.”
“Sometimes, I wish I could go back and say yes. Or we could have some insane affair and I can start being Livie again instead of Ben Dodd’s poor, sad widow.”
Sophie decided to play devil’s advocate. “So why don’t you?”
“Are you insane?”
“You’re the one who said you wanted an insane affair.” Sophie shrugged.
“I think you’re supposed to tell me it’s a bad idea.”
“Is it?”
“You’re the devil.”
“No, why is it a bad idea? You’re both grown.”
“This presumes he’d even look my way. If I was mousy then, let’s not talk about now. I don’t even know what color my hair is. I don’t think I’ve done more than put it up in a bun since Ben died.”
“And you presume that Royce is only interested in a painted face. I’d think you’d know him better than that.”
“It’s what I tell myself, because if he was interested, I know myself. I’d fall in love with him so fast I’d get whiplash. I can’t do that again. I can’t love someone so much they’re part of me and lose it again. I just can’t.”
Sophie squeezed her hand. “You know what you need better than anyone else. But if it’s not him, there’s plenty of men you could spend time with. I mean, with Finnegan, you could just take a number and get in line. Actually, if you called him and told him exactly what you told me, I bet he’d handle that for you. Public service and all.” She grinned.
“He is pretty. There’s no denying that. Did you hear about that calendar thing Erin is doing?”
“Yes, I did. I totally approve. She’s thinking of doing a bachelor auction, too. How fun will that be?” Sophie wondered if Hayden would put himself up for auction.
How pathetic would it be if she bought him? The money was going to a great cause, though.
“No. Really?”
“This would actually be a pretty great venue if you did a set up like this. Make Royce build you a makeshift stage that could be easily disassembled and used again.”
“You’re brilliant.” Livie stood up and spread another tablecloth while Sophie added chairs to each table.
“Sometimes, I have some ideas that don’t suck.”
The back door creaked open, drawing her attention and she saw Allison come through. Sophie warmed at the sight of her.
She brought over several plastic containers. “My two favorite girls! I’ve brought you provisions to keep your strength up.”
“Ma, hey! I thought I smelled cupcakes,” Royce said emerging from the stockroom with a full keg that he put down on the bar.
Sophie noticed that Livie tried not to look at him, but failed.
“They are not for you,” Allison said.
“Blasphemy!” He pried open one of the lids and she smacked his hand.
“No. Livie and Sophie first.”
“Fine.” He coughed. “Even though I did almost die when I fell and cracked my head open.”
“You did not almost die. You’re fine. Stop milking it. That’s not impressing anyone here.” Allison patted his arm.
“Livie’s impressed, aren’t you?” He flexed. Then mouthed, “Come on, don’t leave me hanging.”
“Yes, I’m so impressed,” Livie deadpanned.
“You’re awful for my ego, woman.”
“Someone has to keep you humble.” Allison shooed him away. “Seriously. I love you, but go away. We have secret lady work to conduct.”
“That’s just making him more determined to stay.” Livie pretended nonchalance.
“It’s like she knows me.” Royce snatched the smallest container of cupcakes and darted back behind the bar. “Death will be worth it for these.” After pulling off the lid, he said, “Totally worth it. Delicious red velvet death.” He stuffed one in his mouth.
“That one was actually for him anyway,” Allison said. “Here, darlings. Eat up. You need your strength.”
“My behind does not need cupcakes,” Livie said.
“Mine does.” Sophie accepted the container.
“I wish.” Livie sighed.
“Life is short. Eat the cupcake,” Allison ordered.
Then she an Allison said together, “Dessert first.”
“I guess I can console myself that you twisted my arm.” Livie took a bite and closed her eyes.
“So, the plan tonight. I was debating keeping this secret, but I think you need to know. I wouldn’t want to be caught off guard.”
Livie paused, her mouth still full of red velvet cupcake.
“Every year, this benefit raises money for first responder families who’ve suffered a loss. More often than not, what we raise goes to a bigger pot and benefits someone we don’t know. This year, the board wanted to do something different.”
“Oh God,” Livie said.
“Yeah, they’re going to present you with a check, Livie. They’ve got a big tribute for Ben.”
Sophie was glad that Allison had a certain insight into people. After the conversation they’d just had, surprising Livie with something like this might’ve done more harm than good.
“I don’t want it. Can I say no?”
“You can, but why would you? I know it will be hard, it’ll be like Ben’s funeral all over again, but it might do you good to share your grief. Or you can hang out in the stockroom until it’s over and I’ll send Sophie to get you.” Allison turned to look at her. “You are coming, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good, I was worried that with whatever happened between you and Hayden, you’d start avoiding us and I can’t have that.”
She took Allison’s hand. “You know, I considered it, but that’s not how I want to live. That’s not dessert. So I’ll be there.”
“I’m happy to hear that. He’ll come around, you know.”
Allison opened her own container. “Wow, these are actually really good.”
Royce was behind his mom and reaching over her shoulder when she grabbed his hand. “Do you want to draw back a stub, because I’m going to bite you if you try to take my cupcake. You had yours. And now we’re talking. We’re plotting Hayden’s life for him.”
“Good luck.” Royce said. “You going to eat that?” He reached for one of Livie’s cupcakes and she let him take it. “You love me!” He kissed her cheek before stuffing the cupcake in his mouth in one bite.
“You know, if you took the time to taste it, maybe you wouldn’t have to steal from ladies.”
“I didn’t steal it,” he said after he swallowed. “She gave it to me.”
“No, I just didn’t bite you when you reached for it.”
“Is that option?” Royce asked and Livie blushed.
Allison slapped his arm. “Get out of here. Go lift heavy things and leave us in peace for a minute.”
