Across the lobby, Sofia watched as Tanya entered the revolving doors, dropped her phone, and cursed loudly while struggling to retrieve it as the doors kept turning. Sofia couldn’t help but smile. After a couple of rotations, Tanya emerged and Sofia waved to catch her attention. If she wasn’t ready to sleep, then she was going to make Tanya come and drink overpriced French brandy with her for a while.
“So-fi-a, So-fi-a,” Tanya said her name like a chant, hands raised above her head, as she walked across to the bar. She looked every inch the rock guitarist she was—leather jacket, ripped jeans, and boots—and judging by her walk, she was somewhere between tipsy and drunk.
“It’s late, you’re drinking alone in a hotel bar, and you’re calling me over. Don’t try telling me this isn’t that thirsty booty call I’ve been expecting all these years.” She swayed slightly as she crossed to the armchair opposite Sofia, sitting down heavily with a big sigh. “Well, I’m sorry, babe, but I’m too tired to tap that beautiful ass of yours.” She winked and then closed her eyes and Sofia wondered if she was simply going to sleep.
“Tanya?”
She opened one eye. “So-fi-a.”
“Are you awake enough to give me relationship advice?” Sofia asked hesitantly.
“I think I’m better at it when I’m asleep, but sure, let’s talk. Or you talk and I’ll make noises that I imagine are helpful until I fall asleep.”
“Hey.” Sofia prodded Tanya with her foot and she sat up with a start.
“Okay, okay. I’m listening.” Tanya rubbed her face vigorously and slapped her cheeks a couple of times. “Are we talking fake relationship or real relationship?”
“Funny.”
“Sorry, Sof, I’m being a jerk. Come on, talk to me.” Tanya didn’t say anything else, giving her the space to say what it was she needed to say.
“You know Maddie was coming to make the video with us.” Sofia stretched out the question, speaking slowly, not really wanting to get to the point.
“Yeah, and I know you’re real happy about that.”
“I was. But she’s not coming.”
“How come?”
“Something happened between us.”
“Let me guess. You told her you’ve developed feelings for her, but she doesn’t feel the same way so she’s running in the opposite direction.”
“Why the hell would that be your guess?” Tanya had spent one evening with them. And Maddie had pretty much avoided them being together all evening, until—Sofia swam in the memory—they had kissed almost to the point of no return.
“Oh, come on, babe. I’ve seen you together and I’ve heard the way you talk about her. And I was there before, remember. When you were together—and when you weren’t. I know that you loved her, and I know that you never really got over her.”
Sofia didn’t want to think that she was that obvious, that she was that hung up on Maddie. But of course she was, she always had been.
She took in a breath. “We kissed after the party. It was amazing.” Maddie wanted her, Sofia knew that much. But, as much as Sofia didn’t want her to be, Tanya was right. “But, yeah, then she ran away. Like she always does. And I don’t know what to do. I spent so many wasted weeks trying to get her to come back to me last time. It was pathetic and it consumed me. And it didn’t work. I don’t wanna do that again.”
“But?” Tanya was listening intently now.
“I’m not ready to lose her.”
“What happened? What made her leave?”
“We kissed. It got heated. It felt like it was what we both wanted, but she stopped us. She was worried about Noah, about me having Noah, said it was wrong and we couldn’t, shouldn’t, but when I told—”
“Don’t tell me that’s the moment you chose to tell her about Noah?” Tanya put her head in her hands. “Jeez, Sofi. Way to go, babe. ‘Oh don’t worry about me cheating on my boyfriend. He’s not real, even though I told you he was. Now let’s fuck.’” Tanya lifted her voice an octave mimicking Sofia. “And you’re surprised she left?”
“I know, I know. It’s bad.” Sofia hadn’t been able to stop remembering the disappointed, angry look on Maddie’s face. “I tried to explain, but she didn’t really want to hear it. I thought—I mean, I know it sounds crazy right now—but I thought that maybe she already suspected, that maybe she’d be happy to know I was single.”
“Honestly, Sofi, sometimes you can be a little dumb.” Tanya sat forward in her seat. “Let’s say that’s she’s interested and she’s happy to know you’re single. And let’s say she even forgives the lying about Noah part. What happens then? Your life is chaos, and you’re never home. She has a kid to think about, she needs stability, and to live in one place. She ain’t exactly gonna go on tour with you.”
Sofia sat silently. She needed to hear this.
“And let’s just pretend that, despite all that, you guys did try for some kind of relationship. You’re either gonna have to try to hide it—which is probably impossible—or tell the world. Forget all the homophobic shit for one second, how do you think Noah’s fans, your fans, and all the nasties on social media are gonna treat Maddie when they realize she’s the one who wrecked the whole Noah-Sofia fairy tale thing? It’s not gonna be pretty. I mean, I guess if you told everyone that the Noah thing wasn’t ever real that would take the heat off her, but—”
“I can’t do that. The contract doesn’t allow us to tell anyone about it. It’s got some crazy half a million dollar penalty built in.” Sofia drained her glass. Tanya was being harsh, but it was hard not to think she was right about all of it. She felt her heart sink in her chest.
“Even when she didn’t have Mateo, she never wanted anyone to know about us. It wasn’t just that she was scared of the record company, she just never liked the idea of living her private life in public.” Sofia felt reality bite. What the hell did she have to offer Maddie and Mateo?
“Exactly.” Tanya sat back. “Sorry, babe, but running away seems like the sanest option for her. There’s a ton of reasons why she won’t want to step into Noah’s ugly shoes.” She shrugged. “Now, let’s have another one of those and try to think of something positive we can celebrate. Tomorrow is my acting debut. Let’s start with that.” She waved in the bartender’s direction and held up two fingers, pointing at Sofia’s glass. Sofia wasn’t sure she could drink any more, but she definitely wasn’t ready for bed now that Tanya had completely crashed her mood. She tried to find something positive of her own to drink to.
“Little Boy said yes to the collaboration. He loved the rough cut we sent. I’ve got a day off when we finish here so I’m going to go to London for the recording. Everyone’s happy we managed to get it organized. Felix says it’s going to be ‘the thing’ that creates enough of the right noise to win the Grammy—which is also his way of letting me know he now thinks ‘Not This Time’ is a write-off.” Sofia shrugged.
“That’s great, Sofi. Nice job.”
“It’s going to help me grow a more adult audience, to leave the last of that ex-girl band energy behind. They’re even talking about Glastonbury and me maybe guesting with him there. I’d never get that without him. I’m not edgy enough.”
“Or edgy at all.” Tanya rolled her eyes and laughed.
The excitement about Little Boy lasted for as long as it took to tell Tanya. She was desperate for the album to do well, and she’d even let herself get caught up in Felix’s obsession about her winning a third Grammy. But what did any of it really mean if she couldn’t have Maddie in her life? She sighed.
“Should I call her? Should I try to explain or should I just let it go?”
“What do you want to do, Sofi? Forget what you think you should do. Try to get in touch with what you want to do. It’s gonna sound lame, but close your eyes, inhale slowly, and try to feel what it is you want rather than thinking too hard about it.”
Sofia was desperate enough to try anything. She closed her eyes. She made herself push past the guilt she felt about
lying about Noah, past the panic she felt when she thought about what everyone would say, past the fear she felt about being hurt by Maddie again. She made herself push past all of it and try to get in touch with her feelings, with what she wanted. And all she could see was Maddie. Maddie kissing her, Maddie making her laugh, Maddie sitting with Mateo asleep in her lap, and Maddie caring for her when no one else seemed to. She realized she could only imagine being truly happy with Maddie and Mateo in her life.
“I want Maddie. I want us together. And I don’t care what I have to sacrifice to get it.” Sofia said the words out loud and blinked in surprise at her own response.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Tanya announced to no one in particular. “I think we have our answer.”
“But what do I do?” Sofia pleaded with Tanya, feeling the panic, the fear, overwhelm her just as fast as she had allowed herself to acknowledge what it was she actually wanted.
“I don’t know. I guess you need to figure out if she feels the same way and find a way to show her she can trust you this time.” She raised an eyebrow at Sofia. “I only pretend to have the answers. Have you not noticed just how single I am most of the time?”
“I try not to notice, just like you never made me feel bad for pretend-dating a moron like Noah.” Sofia managed a half-smile. She had a lot of thinking to do, but she appreciated Tanya being there for her and for believing in her and Maddie.
“How’s he been since the party?”
“A real jerk. His management sent a letter threatening action if I do anything to damage his reputation.” She shrugged. “I guess they think I’m gonna tell everyone the relationship was fake.”
“Why would they think that?”
“I made Felix call it off. We sent them a doctor’s letter saying his unreasonable behavior was damaging my health and used the medical clause to get out of the contract.” She lifted her eyebrows. “He is pissed like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Wow.” Tanya lifted her glass to Sofia’s. “Good for you.”
“We’re going to tell people that it’s a mutual decision because we can’t find time to be together, but he’s worried because he knows I’m going to use the video release to tell people that I’m not straight, and he’s trying to stop me.”
“You’re really gonna do it?”
“Yeah. It’s scary but it’s time, and this time, I’m going to show Maddie that I do have the courage to stand up and be who I am, to not always put my career first.”
“Well, I’m damn proud of you.” She yawned and stood. “I’m going to bed. You should too. But I will say one thing though. Life is way too short not to kiss the girls we wanna kiss.”
“Did you just quote Supergirl at me?”
“I did.” Tanya laughed. “I steal all my best advice from TV.”
“I love you.” Sofia meant it. Tanya was a good friend.
“You too, Sofi.” Tanya ruffled her hair on the way past. “You’re doing good. See you at stupid o’clock for all the croissants we can eat.”
Sofia heard her stomach growl. It was the noise of a skipped meal. She didn’t want any more of her outfits splitting, and she was keen to limit the number of snarky comments from her mom. She stood up, needing to get to bed. This life had been what she wanted once, the thing she’d have done anything to hang on to. Now she was doubting everything because of Maddie. But Maddie was in Miami, and just like last time, she didn’t seem to want what Sofia was offering.
* * *
French bread, French toast, French cheese, French fries. All things she loved that were French. Maddie was playing word games with herself in the elevator to distract herself from the tension she was feeling about seeing Sofi again.
French kissing.
It was not helpful of her brain to add that one to the list. She’d stayed busy over the last few days precisely so she wouldn’t think about kissing Sofi. She felt a flush spread through her body—it was two parts shame and one part desire. The ratio had been changing slowly with every day that Maddie spent away from Sofi.
But then she’d decided to come to Paris.
The elevator door opened, and she checked her reflection in the mirror before heading out, past the reception desk and the Hermes boutique, and into the dining room. The smell of freshly baked pastries hit hard. She’d arrived barely two hours ago, getting the only direct flight that got her here in time, and the time difference had cost her a night’s sleep. In Miami, it was not yet one a.m., and while she was desperate for strong French coffee, her body was definitely not ready for buttery croissants.
As she waited to be seated, Maddie spotted Sofi in the far corner, sitting alone at a window table. She had her phone in one hand and a coffee cup in the other. Two tables away, Rick sat with Carly and someone she didn’t recognize. He lifted a hand in her direction. She returned the wave. She’d texted him she was coming only as she’d boarded the plane the afternoon before, not convinced she wouldn’t back out. Not convinced that Daya and Ashley wouldn’t appear to bundle her into a car and lock her up for a few days till she saw sense.
“I’m joining someone,” Maddie spoke to the maître d’ and pointed at Sofi before crossing the room. She had just a few seconds to feel the nerves that being in the same space as Sofi brought before Sofi looked in her direction. Her surprised expression made it clear that Rick hadn’t told her Maddie was coming.
“Can I join you?” Maddie felt so uncertain about being here, about what she wanted to say to Sofi, about how Sofi would react. But her heart couldn’t help but react to Sofi’s anxious gaze. Maddie wanted to hug her, kiss her, and tell her everything was going to be okay. Except it would be a lie.
“Sure. Please. I wasn’t expecting you. I mean, I didn’t think you were coming.” Sofi blinked at her.
“Neither did I.” Maddie sat down. Within seconds, a waiter in a crisp white shirt appeared at the table with a pot of coffee. She pushed her cup toward him.
“When did you get here?”
“Couple of hours ago. I’m sorry if it was a problem that I didn’t travel on the flight I was booked on.”
They were awkward and formal together. If this was going to work at all, they had to clear the air. Maddie had spent nine hours on a plane figuring out what she needed to say, but sitting opposite Sofi, she couldn’t find the words. But neither could she take her eyes off her. It was like Sofi was a puzzle Maddie just couldn’t figure out, and her head and heart hurt from trying.
“I’m glad you came. But I already told everyone that you weren’t. I assumed that, when you weren’t on the flight, you’d had second thoughts. Because of, you know?”
Sofi looked like she had more to say. Maddie leaned in, wanting the chance to explain why she was there and what she wanted.
“You were right about me doing the walking away thing. It’s not a good habit.”
“It was all my fault. I’m sorry. I came on too strong. I didn’t think. I let my feelings take over and I’m sorry for not telling you about Noah. Maybe on some level I knew it would make you leave.”
“It’s okay. It’s all okay. We both have things to be sorry for. I just didn’t want to walk away from this. I made a promise to you, to Rick, to help with the video. I take that seriously. It’s important to you and I know how difficult it’s going to be.” She was trying to stay focused on what she’d come to say. “I promised I would do it, and as a professional and as a friend, I wanted to keep that promise.”
Sofi looked like she wanted to say something, but the arrival of the waiter prevented it. He placed an omelet in front of Sofi. Maddie was happy to see her eating proper food—the fasting was ridiculous. Sofi would never be skinny, but she had always been perfect to Maddie. She stopped herself from thinking that way and took in a breath.
“I should never have let things get so out of hand after the party. I’m not gonna blame the drink, but maybe it was a bit of that and a lot of us just spending too much time together. We said we wouldn’t get close but—” She
stopped. This was harder than she had imagined. Sofi’s gaze was hard to cope with.
“Please don’t act like this is something we can just brush away as a mistake.” Sofi spoke quietly. “I know you have feelings for me.”
“It doesn’t matter. We can’t do anything about it. We said we wouldn’t get close enough to hurt each other, but look at us. We can’t seem to stay away from each other and the closer we get the greater the chance we’re going to do things that hurt each other.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Noah. I know that’s a big part of why you’re saying this.”
“It’s not because of Noah.” Maddie sipped at her coffee, willing herself to stay calm and to find a way to say the things that they both needed her to say. The things that would allow them both to walk away, with not too much harm done. In a parallel universe somewhere, she would declare herself to Sofi, tell her she had never loved anyone else and ask her to give it all up and stay with her and Mateo in Miami for the next hundred years. But it was a pipe dream, and right now, in this breakfast room in this hotel, she needed to say something else.
“Sofi, your life is crazy and you live it in public. Mine is boring and private, and I like it that way. I was mad at you for lying about Noah, but I shouldn’t have been, not really. What you guys have been doing isn’t even out of the ordinary. I just forget that because it’s not my world anymore. Touring till you drop—ordinary. Photographers following you everywhere—ordinary. Fake boyfriends—ordinary. It’s all so crazy. You’re beautiful, but this business has you doubting it. You’re successful but no one in your life will let you enjoy the success. It’s relentless and it’s toxic, but it’s what passes for ordinary in your world. I wish it wasn’t but it is.”
Not This Time Page 21
