Neighbors - The Lawyer and the Pig Farmer

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Neighbors - The Lawyer and the Pig Farmer Page 5

by David Heyman


  ~ Curtain ~

  Act 2, Scene 2

  The Desantos' kitchen. Lisa and Honey are organizing a canning project for a school science project. There are bushels of corn on the kitchen counter and cartons of Mason jars on the floor.

  Lisa: “My science teacher says that we use a lot of science in our kitchens.”

  Honey: “ Of course. We have to sterilize everything we use, so that bacteria won't grow in our jars and spoil everything. My Dad says he will bring us more corn if we need it.”

  Lisa: Struggling with an ear of corn, “This hurts my hands!”

  Honey: She spies Greg coming into the kitchen from right rear. Without turning toward Greg, but letting her eyes turn toward him, she says, “What we need is a good shucker with strong hands.”

  Greg: “I've got strong hands.” Looks at Honey. “What do you want me to do?” He picks up and studies a few ears of corn.

  Lisa: “Pull the husks off the ears.”

  Greg: “Oh, that's easy. It's not 'rocket science'.” He begins to tear off the leaves.

  Honey: “That's wonderful, Greg. Coos. We wouldn't be able to do this without you. And don't forget to put the husks in your compost pile. You have to dispose of them scientifically, too.”

  Greg carries a basket of corn leaves out the back door.

  Lisa: “Honey, do you believe in love?”

  Honey: “Of course, I do. Why?”

  Lisa: “Well, Greg likes you. He likes you a lot more than he likes me. And he's supposed to love his sister.”

  Honey: “I don't think that's love, Lisa. It's just a boy-girl thing.”

  Lisa: “You mean like the boys in school who try to talk to me, but get red in the face?”

  Honey: “Exactly. I can't believe you are into that at your age. The younger generation is sure growing up fast!”

  Lisa: “I think my Mom and your Dad like each other.”

  Honey: “That may be true. My Dad may like your Mother, but he loves my mother.”

  Lisa: “How can you tell?”

  Honey: “He may look at your mother, just like boys look at us. But when my Dad and Mother are together, they are very nice to each other. And they hug each other a lot.”

  Lisa: “What if he likes my Mother better?”

  Honey: “He doesn't. I'm sure of that!”

  Greg walks back in the kitchen, and the girls become quiet.

  Greg: “I'm going to have to start another compost pile. Or else I won't have a place to put all these leaves.”

  Honey: “You can do more shucking right now, while Lisa and I boil these Mason jars.” The girls lift cartons of jars to the sideboard of the sink.

  Duke and Fred enter from the garage door at rear right. They are dressed in suits for work at the office. Fred carries a briefcase, Duke a rifle.

  Duke: “We killed them at the office today!”

  Fred: “Don't say killed when you're carrying a gun.”

  Duke: “But I'm so proud of you! You really improved on my land use arguments. I knew you would be the go-to guy!” Self-satisfied grin. “I'm so glad you decided to stay.”

  The children stare at their father carrying a rifle.

  Lisa: “Oh!”

  Greg: “Gee!”

  Duke: “ You helped set up the River Valley Homesteader's Association office and helped me decide on the best rifle for me.”

  Fred: “I thumbed through the National Rifle Association's magazine. That's all”

  Duke: “But look at this beautiful Remington M-7! And look at these long bullets! I'm sure these will take out a deer.” He starts loading the rifle.

  Fred: “What are you doing?”

  Duke: “Loading my weapon. It's an old American habit - just like George Washington's troops at Valley Forge.”

  Fred: “Now, don't get carried away. You said you were going to take that NRA safety course.”

  Duke: “I will. I will. But I can't wait to try it out.”

  Fred: “What are you doing now?”

  Duke: “Can't you see? I'm going to try out my defense system.”

  Fred: “I don't think you're ready.”

  Duke: “Stop hovering over me! I'm no child. I can manage to shoot a round or two, just like they do in the movies. Relax. I'm just trying it out. I'm not really using it.”

  He goes to the kitchen garden door and aims. The children start to duck behind kitchen appliances.

  Fred: “What are you going to shoot?”

  Duke: “Nothing. There's nothing out there! Just trees.”

  The children back up and huddle behind the stove and refrigerator.

  Duke half-shoulders his rifle and aims out the door into the trees.

  Lisa: “Don't shoot the fawn!”

  Duke: “There's nothing out there.”

  He fires. There is a very loud report. Duke falls backward on the floor. He drops the rifle.

  Duke: “Ow! Oow! My shoulder! My arm's broken!”

  Everyone on stage cowers, until they see Duke where he landed on the floor. Fred bends over and takes the rifle away, makes sure there are no more shells in the chamber, and places the rifle high on top of a kitchen cabinet.

  Gretchen runs in, frightened, with Dina close behind. Gretchen sees Duke on the floor grimacing and rushes to his side.

  Gretchen: “Duke! Duke! Are you hurt? Did you shoot yourself?”

  Billy: Breathing heavily, as though he had been running. “What's happening? I was bringing over more corn, and I heard gunfire! I was sure there was trouble!” ( He, too, bends over Duke.)

  Duke: “My shoulder! I hurt my shoulder!”

  Gretchen: “Shall I call an ambulance?”

  Fred: “I can take him to the emergency room.”

  Billy: “He'll be okay. The recoil can hurt like hell when a rifle isn't held correctly. He's lucky it didn't hurt his jaw, too.”

  Gretchen: “What if he broke something?”

  Billy: “He's just bruised. He's going to have a black-and-blue arm. I've seen that before. Do you have any Tylenol or Ibuprofen here?

  “Duke, I can teach you how to hold your rifle, but I can't teach you everything you need to know to be a good marksman. You’re going to have to take a course somewhere.“

  Fred: “That's what I told him.”

  Billy: And I can tell you that you have to hold the weapon against your shoulder, not out in front of you like you apparently did. That way your body moves with the recoil, and if your stance is correct, your whole body will move with the shot and reduce the impact.”

  Duke: “How about that Tylenol? I could use it.”

  Gretchen: “Of course, I'll get it from our medicine cabinet.” She walks away toward the bedrooms.

  Fred: “I wonder if he hit anything out there?”

  Fred goes to the door to see. Lisa, Honey, Dina, and Billy follow.

  Lisa: “Let's look for the fawn.”

  Duke: Still lying on his back on the floor. “Are you all going to leave me here?”

  Gretchen comes back to assist Duke who is slowly standing up.

  Billy: It's just a bruise, and you’ll get better.”

  Duke: Aside so only Gretchen can hear. “Billy says. Billy says. What does his kind of (carefully) farmer knows about injured shoulders?”

  Lisa and Honey come back from the garage entrance.

  Lisa: “The fawn isn't there! The shot must have frightened him away.”

  Gretchen: Hugging Lisa. “You can't be sure of that. The deer will probably be back tomorrow.”

  Dina and Fred are on either side of Duke, trying to help him. He is letting his right arm hang.

  Gretchen: “Duke, can you sit at the table? I have some Tylenol for you and some store-bought peach pie for everyone.”

  Dina: “And I'll get the beer.”

  Duke: “I think so. I can eat with my left hand.”

  The adults sit in the front room, the children sit in the kitchen. Fred and Dina place bottles of beer at each adults place.

&n
bsp; Billy: “This has been a great summer for growing corn. I'll give you all the corn you can use. We had lots of sunshine and just enough rain.”

  Dina: “People say that you can watch the corn grow at night. Is that true, Billy?”

  Billy: “I think so. You can hear it growing, too.”

  Gretchen: “I don't believe you.”

  Duke: “Sure. Sure.” He looks at Fred and grins.

  Gretchen: “I'd like to hear corn grow, but I didn't plant any in my garden.”

  Billy: “I just walked through your garden and it's nice. It's neat and tidy and weeds don't seem to grow in it. But corn is different. You need a much larger area for pollination to take place.”

  Duke: Aside again so only Gretchen can hear. “Here we go again. An expert on agriculture, too.”

  Gretchen: “Oh, Duke! Certainly, Billy is an expert on agriculture.”

  Billy: “I don't know about that. Do you remember you wanted me to join your association as a farm specialist?”

  Duke: “Did I say that?”

  Dina: Trying to prevent an uncomfortable argument, “What else do you grow, Billy?”

  Billy: “We grow a little bit of everything. I like to stock the root cellar in the fall with potatoes, carrots, cabbage, and beets. Sometimes I leave onions in the ground and dig them up in the winter. Do you know what a root cellar is?”

  Fred: “I've heard of root cellars, but I have never seen one.”

  Billy: “It would be wonderful, if every family had one, in case of an emergency.”

  Duke: “You mean, if there's a war?”

  Billy: “Any kind of emergency that would close roads, like weather, a revolution, or a terrorist strike.”

  Duke: “Sure! Sure!”

  Billy: “You can sneer. It's a free country. But I'm going to do you a favor. I'll teach Greg how to build a root cellar.”

  Greg: Overhearing, and stepping forward. “Honey says she will show me her root cellar.”

  Gretchen: “And Billy is going to show me corn growing. And don't forget, you promised to show me the deer herd.”

  Billy: “They’ll be there tonight. Let's see how the kids are doing in the kitchen.” He walks to the kitchen left stage.

  Billy: “You did this much today! Look at all those jars! Wow! Good work kids!”

  Honey: “We finished twelve Mason jars. And next time, after having some practice, we can do twice that amount.”

  Duke: Calling across the stage. “I think we’ll stick with the grocery store!”

  At that moment they hear a truck engine roar and a soft horn. Then the sound fades away.

  Duke: “Here we go again. The River Valley Raceway!”

  Billy: “That's just another farmer, George Kinney. He's a member of our Grange, and he said he'd be over today. He's going to help me harvest. He's a friendly guy.”

  Duke: “What's a Grange?”

  Billy: “It's a group of farmers who share large chores, loan each other equipment, and try to get government to keep our prices reasonable.”

  Gretchen: “So it was a member of your Grange who smiled at me.”

  Dina: “Gretchen, you can't possible know that.”

  Gretchen: “Yes, I can. I recognize the horn.” To Dina. “I never forget a good 'honk'!”

  Billy: Waving good-bye. “So long! See you later!”

  Gretchen: “I'll be here.” She walks to the door with him, and out-of-sight holds his hand.

  Duke: From the other side of the room. “If you talk to him later, don't let him forget the contract. Tell him not to be obstinate, if he knows what the word means.” Gretchen gives Duke an angry look.

  The men go to the den area. Dina and Gretchen are left alone in the kitchen.

  Dina: “I can't believe you're going to see him tonight!”

  Gretchen: “Yes, I am. But I honestly don't expect anything to happen. We’ll be in our own backyard.” He is nice, though. Isn't he?”

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