by Ashley Maker
Nights are the worst. From curfew until six in the morning, when Tarry unfailingly shows up to walk me to breakfast, I’m on my own with Kade. Unspoken words try to surface with every accidental glance or touch, but they never actually do, and the more distant we become, the more it hurts. I can’t tell if Kade is as depressed as I am, or if he just doesn’t care anymore. Or maybe Tarry’s right, and he never cared at all.
I don’t know what to believe, or how I’m supposed to feel, and I’m exhausted from all the pretending.
Pretending like I’m okay and nothing’s changed, that I don’t still want Kade, and that this is ever going to get any easier. I don’t know why I bother, since, apparently, I’m not fooling anyone. Even Piper knows something is wrong, though all her questions have to do with the stabbing, and I’m not about to correct her.
“You ready?” Kade calls out.
My head jerks, gaze snapping to his. Of course I’m not ready. But I walk back across to the mats anyway. The faster I get training over with, the faster I can get out of here and go visit Laila.
That’s what I hold on to when Kade’s hand touches mine and the match starts. I struggle to thwart his prowess and end up flipped, grappled, and pinned, the gym spinning while I gasp for breath.
Kade releases his hold on my arms and rolls to the side, coming up in a crouch. “Where are you today? You’re not even trying.”
“Sorry.” I sit up and roll my neck. “You know I hate groundwork.”
“Then keep me from putting you there,” Kade says, voice heated. “You can’t let your emotions into a fight. Rogues will use that to their advantage and take you down.”
I wipe sweat from my brow as even more heat flushes up my neck. “I said I was sorry. What more do you want? I can’t turn my emotions on and off like you can.”
Muscles work along his jaw. “This isn’t an easy situation. I know that. But I’m trying to teach you how to stay alive. Can’t you try to meet me halfway?”
The words make me feel brittle. I rub my eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “I’ve been trying. I just—I can’t do it today.”
His voice softens. “We can try again tomorrow.”
I look up and meet his eyes. Pain flashes in them, brief and quickly masked, but still there. Something fierce and agonizing roils through like a reflex. My hand is halfway in the air before I realize what I’m doing. Both of us stare at the frozen gesture.
I bite the side of my lip. “Help me up?”
Our hands touch, and something shifts inside me, filling the hollow place in my chest, if only a little.
Eyes locked with mine, Kade stands and pulls me to my feet. “Are we okay?”
My heart and lungs stop. Memories of dust and wood shavings cloud my senses, too precious and painful to ignore. But we’re not under the balcony. We’re in the gym. And we aren’t who we were, but more than ever I wonder if we could be. Air rushes back into my lungs with Tarry’s voice.
“That’s it. You’re done. I’m taking her out of here.”
Shaken, I pull away from Kade and step back. Tarry’s arm wraps around my shoulder, hand clamping on my bicep. He’s glaring, but for once Kade doesn’t react.
Still looking at me, Kade says, “We’ll work on this later.”
Tarry rolls his eyes and starts guiding the two of us to the door. We’re still within earshot when he says, “What a loser, taking advantage of the situation like that.”
I glance back over my shoulder, gaze reconnecting with Kade’s. He’s still standing on the mats, eyes searching and hands clenched at his sides. Neither of us looks away until I’m turning into the hallway with Tarry.
Any other day, I would obsess over what happened, analyzing every word and touch until not a single one of them made sense, but then I remember it’s time to see Laila. So I shove the conversation to the back of my mind, content to obsess over it later.
After another obviously concerned glance, Tarry says, “Just say the words, Clarebear, and I will put that guy in the dirt.”
I ignore the last part, intent on sticking to my decision of not thinking about Kade until later. “Clarebear? Really?”
Tarry grins. “Yeah, ‘cause you’re all cute and whatnot.”
A laugh surges up. “Whatnot. Now that’s what every girl wants to be.”
“Naturally, but they aren’t. They can’t be.” He jogs a few steps ahead and opens the door for me, still grinning wide. “You’re the only girl with the whatnot. Just let go and embrace it.”
The door swings shut behind us. We head down the path to the headmaster’s cabin.
“And what exactly is the whatnot?”
Tarry steps close, shoulder occasionally bumping mine as we walk. “Well, you see, the whatnot is a rare condition. Only so many people have it. Studies have shown that it may in fact be a side effect of awesome.”
“Oh yeah?” I laugh again.
He nods, face completely serious, and for the rest of the way we talk about being awesome and whatnot. My stomach dips when we reach the door.
“Is your dad here?” I ask, already steeling myself for another confrontation.
“Nah, not today.” Tarry punches in a code on the panel next to the door. “He’s been getting phone calls like crazy since the day Laila got released. A development in the investigation, I guess.” He grasps the handle and looks over his shoulder with a grin as we walk into the entryway. “It’s really been making her mad that Daddy’s not sitting at her bedside every second. Fair warning that her mood swings have reached levels of epic proportion.”
For a second, I puzzle over the information, wondering what the developments could be. But then I remember my resolve for this to stay a good day, and I smile. “Sounds like Laila, all right.”
“You might want to turn back now, while you still have the chance.”
I shake my head and push him lightly on the arm, still smiling. That’s what I love about Tarry—that he can make me smile and laugh, even when I don’t want to.
The inside of the cabin isn’t what I expected. With Mathias as their dad, I guess I thought it’d be a sterile environment, like the padded cell, but it’s not. Decorated with a light touch that’s subtly modern, the cabin is warm and inviting. We pass a formal living room and a spacious, light-filled kitchen with sunflowers on the table, and head to a cozy-looking den with a stone fireplace and plush leather couches.
Laila doesn’t look up from where she’s sitting on the far couch with her legs propped on an ottoman.
“About time someone other than my parents comes to see me,” she says, eyes still scanning the open book spread on the arm of the couch next to her.
“Liar. I see you every night,” Tarry says.
She raises a brow and glances at him dismissively. “Like you count.”
Tarry smirks. “Ouch. I’m gonna go cry now, and you can sit there and think about what you did.”
“Good. Leave already,” Laila counters, the icy words undermined by an upward curl of her lip.
Tarry turns to me with a dramatic sigh. “I’ll be in the kitchen eating my feelings away. Yell at me when you guys are done.”
Laila rolls her eyes, and Tarry makes a face at her before leaving the den.
Taking a step closer to the couch, I gesture at her stomach. “How’s it feeling?” I can’t bring myself to say the rest.
She glances at her abdomen and frowns. “Pretty much like a stab wound.”
I grimace and plunge right in. “I tried to come see you once and heard your dad yelling at you from the hall. I know he gave you a hard time for what you did, but it means a lot to me.” She tilts her head, mouth opening to say something, and I hurry to get out the words I’ve waited so long to say. “Thank you. For stopping him. You probably saved my life, and I know your dad suspects me, but I had nothing to do with that guy. Or the Rogues. Or anyone else who would want to stab you. I just—I’m so glad you’re okay.”
Relief at getting it all out into the open seeps t
hrough me. No matter what kind of conspiracies Mathias is spreading about me, at least Laila knows how I feel now.
Laila nods at the couch next to her, and I sit down. The shift of the cushions makes her wince and adjust. “You don’t have to thank me. I know you didn’t have anything to do with it, and protecting you is part of my job. Plus, I’ll have a couple battle scars to brag about. No one else from my class can say that yet, not even Kade.”
I flinch at his name, and she doesn’t miss a beat.
“I should have realized what was going on between the two of you sooner. Tarry says you’ve been pretty torn up about it.”
I don’t even try to deny it. “What exactly happened with you and Kade?”
She stares at the empty fireplace. “This is embarrassing for me, and I’m only going to tell you once. Basically, I let a stupid crush on Kade, who I thought was unattainable, blind me from what was really going on. It’s like I told you before. He and I were always competing for things, and it wasn’t a nice rivalry. I should have remembered that, but let’s face it—he’s hot. Most girls I went to school with wanted him, and I was flattered by his sudden attention.
“We trained for our internship interviews together. I didn’t know he was going after the same position I was, and I told him everything—every tip and secret I’ve learned from my dad over the years. He got the Offensive spot, and I didn’t, even though he told me he was training for Defensive. I got pretty upset. I’d thought we were dating, and why would he lie, right? Well, that’s when he let the cat out of the bag, that we’d never been dating, and he didn’t like me like that. Pretty much the most mortifying moment of my life, and to add insult to injury, my dad thought the tactic was brilliant. That’s how Kade got promoted onto part-time security detail.”
My jaw drops. I can’t even wrap my head around her words. “Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. He said Kade has what it takes to get a job done, and I got lectured for failing. I despised him for it. A part of me still does.”
No wonder.
She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry you got hurt, but I’m glad you found out what kind of person he is. He’s completely out for himself and would have ditched you the second he got what he wanted, like he did to me.”
An ache forms in my throat. I want to defend Kade, but there’s not much I can say. His actions back up her story, not mine, and yet…
I can’t fully believe he would have ditched me.
If that had been his plan, why was he always so careful not to let Mathias find out about us? He went out of the way to make sure we never did anything too suspicious while around the security cameras. What would have been the point if the headmaster already knew?
Was it all just to fool me?
Laila can’t answer my questions, and neither can Tarry. I don’t even want them to know I’m thinking about these things, because they’ll jump in with more Kade-bashing, and I just want the truth. I suddenly, desperately need to know if Kade did the same thing to me that he did to Laila.
The only person who knows is the one person I can’t bear to ask.
But I have to. I’m going to. I won’t be able to live with myself until I do, and I’m beyond fed up with not knowing what’s real and what’s not.
I can’t go on like this.
Tonight, I’ll find out, even if it crushes me.
37
The loud thwack of the front door slamming makes all of us jolt on the couch.
Laila exchanges a look with Tarry. “I thought they weren’t supposed to get back until later tonight.”
“Guess not.” Tarry shrugs and puts his sandwich—the third one since we got to the cabin—on the coffee table next to his side of the couch. “I’ll go see what’s up.”
I stand when he does, biting the side of my lip. “Should I go? Your dad isn’t exactly my biggest fan. I don’t want him to get mad I stayed so long.”
“Pfft.” Laila waves a hand. “He can get over it. You don’t have to go back to the dorm for like another hour and a half.”
My body sways slightly as I debate between sitting back down or making a run for it. The last thing I need is to be around Mathias and have him figure out I know the ugly truth about his undercover secret.
“Stay. It’ll be fine,” Tarry says, motioning for me to stay put.
“If you say so…”
One side of Tarry’s mouth pulls up in a crooked smile. “I say so.”
I smile back and am about to sit down when the sound of voices and approaching footfalls come from the kitchen.
“They’re not going to take this well,” Pam murmurs. “Perhaps you should call him back and work out an extension.”
“She’s one student,” Mathias replies, voice almost harsh. “They’ll forget about her by next term.”
Pam rounds the corner, and her red lipstick-colored lips quirk. Sounding smug, she says, “Sorry dear, but I’m not so sure they will.”
Mathias comes into view, stopping behind his wife, looking over her shoulder. His eyes narrow when he sees me. A quick glance away, to scan the room, before his gaze lands back on mine for another round of scrutiny. “Where is Kieran?”
I take a small step back at the sharp tone of his voice. “I don’t know. We meet up in my room at curfew.”
Mathias purses his lips. “Unacceptable. From now on, he is to stay near you at all times.”
“What?” Tarry gapes. “You have to be joking. She’s already with him half the time. There’s no reason—”
“Enough,” Mathias snaps. “She’ll do as I say, and you’ll keep out of it. As a matter of fact, you need to stay away from her.”
“But, Dad—”
“You heard me.”
“You can’t still suspect her,” Laila growls. “How many times do I have to tell you she had nothing to do with the stabbing?”
“Yes, I know,” Mathias says in exasperation. “She wasn’t the accomplice. She was the target.” His hard stare shifts to me. “Pack your bags, Miss Palmer. You leave Evergreen tomorrow morning.”
The room tunnels. Everyone becomes still and quiet. My gaze zings between the four of them. The look in Mathias’ eyes is harsh and protective, while Tarry and Laila stare back with shocked expressions. Their mother is the one who steps forward, guiding me by the elbow to sit on the couch. I sink onto the leather cushion, hardly able to breathe, as the room erupts into chaos. Laila and Tarry demand explanations, while Mathias fends off one question at a time, not really answering any of them.
“He tends to be too blunt, if you ask me,” their mother soothes, patting me on the hand. “The news could have been broken to you more gently.”
I shake my head and stare blankly at the wall. After wishing to leave the compound for so long, the thought of actually doing so is unimaginable.
How can I leave the friends I’ve made? And Kade…despite everything, my heart stings like a thousand paper cuts at the thought of not being near him.
“Let me get you a glass of water,” Pam says. She stands and shoots a warning glance at Mathias. “Be gentle. The poor girl has been through enough. Don’t forget about her condition.” Her heels clack across the wood floor as she heads to the kitchen.
“She can’t leave,” Tarry insists with a frown.
“I agree,” Laila chimes in. “Everyone she knows is here. All her training has been here.”
Mathias lets out a frustrated breath. “There’s nothing I can do about it. Her father wants her transferred as soon as possible, and I agree with him.”
The words shake something inside me. “My dad is the one sending me away? Why?”
“Your location has been compromised. As long as you’re here, you’re in danger.” His gaze stills on Laila. “And so is everybody else. I’m not going to allow any further collateral damage.”
Laila glares and clamps her jaw, and Tarry crosses arms over his chest, face pinched by frown lines.
“But where am I going?” I ask
, still reeling inside, unable to even guess at where they might send me now.
“Only your father knows. We suspect our communication channels have been compromised, so he didn’t tell me.”
Pam enters the den with a glass of water in hand. The glass chills my palm when she hands it to me. At her expectant look, I take a gulp, even though I’m not thirsty, and the cold water slides down my throat, making me feel sloshy and sick.
“You should say your goodbyes now,” Mathias says. “There won’t be time tomorrow with such a long drive ahead of you.”
“This is ridiculous!” Laila snarls. She pushes against the cushions and gets to her feet, face contorted with anger and pain.
“Sit back down, young lady,” Pam says, already rushing toward her. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”
Laila throws both hands out to keep her mom away. “I’m fine. I walk back and forth to the bathroom and kitchen, and you don’t coddle me about that.”
“You heard your mother,” Mathias says, voice stern, no room for compromise in it.
“Oh, don’t act like you care.” Laila snaps. “Not when you’ve been too busy to spend more than five minutes with me. She’s my friend. I am going to hug her, and you can’t stop me.”
“It’s okay,” I start to say, but the tears shining in her eyes change my mind.
Her hands are shaking when she hugs me. She squeezes hard. A second set of arms wraps around us.
“Just let them. I’ll be in the kitchen,” Pam says.
“Five minutes,” Mathias says tersely. “You have five minutes to say goodbye.” He clomps across the floor, followed by the click-tap of Pam’s lighter footsteps.
“This sucks,” Tarry says as soon as both of them are out of the room.
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
“Ugh, that’s my arm you’re squeezing,” Laila says with a sniffle. “Get off.”
Tarry’s voice lightens. “Stop ruining the moment. I’ll squeeze your arm if I want to.”
A choked laugh catches in my throat. We step back, and a misty-eyed Laila sniffles again, looking disgusted with herself.
