“I am guessing people wanting to know about your grandfather’s service. Have you made any calls yet?”
I wiped my face. “No, I’ve been dealing with personal issues. I knew I had to make calls today.”
“Give me the list. I’ll contact as many people as I can. I’ll also call the newspapers to have it in tomorrow’s issue.”
Realizing I couldn’t do it all myself, I started walking down the long hallway, hoping to find my grandfather’s address book in his office. He was too old fashioned to keep it logged on his cell phone. The last time I’d checked he still used an old flip version. “That would be a big help.”
Once in the office, I sat down in his large leather chair, appreciating the way it felt to feel empowered. I ran my fingers over the arms, finally noticing Veronica was standing there waiting. “The sooner we start, the earlier we’ll finish.”
“Okay. I didn’t know we were stressed for time.”
“Your grandfather died yesterday, Chad. You should have made the calls then.”
I ignored her comment and located the book, sliding it over in her direction.
Once she was gone, I opened his computer to check my messages and let my associates know I wouldn’t be around for the next week or so. Sitting in my inbox was a name I didn’t expect to see. I hadn’t even considered she’d still know the address.
Chad:
I know yesterday was difficult, especially for you. I’ve already contacted the local papers and even the evening news to have his death announced. The funeral information is located in a file in his office. I think it’s labeled something like it’s finally over. You know he had such a weird sense of humor sometimes. His lawyers information is under the pad on his desk. That’s where he always kept it. If you need anything else, calls or someone to manage the catering for the wake, let me know. I’m glad to offer a hand for Charles.
PS: I’m sorry about how I left things yesterday. I wasn’t myself, and I apologize for not being able to control my emotions.
I hit reply, but sat there staring at a blank screen until I heard Veronica coming back into the room. “Apparently the newspapers were notified yesterday. I guess Gracie took care of it for you.”
I corrected her. “It was Rachel. She sent me an email last night, but I’m just now reading it.”
“Rachel?” Veronica wanted me to verify. “The Rachel from your past? The one you were involved with?”
“She was my grandfather’s assistant for years. They were still close. She was trying to help.”
“So she’ll be at the funeral I’m assuming?”
“Why wouldn’t she? She has every right to be there. She loved the man.”
“He’s not the man she loved, is he, Chad? Is that why you don’t want me here?”
“What the hell are you talking about. I wanted you to come. I had no idea Rachel was involved. I don’t speak to her anymore. I haven’t even mentioned her for years.”
“Sorry. I’m lashing out when I shouldn’t be.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Rachel is happily married. She’s part of my past, but that’s it. You have nothing to worry about.” I wondered why she was stressing over it when she was screwing around on me. “Speaking of other women, were you able to call things off with Dr. Ryan?”
She sat in the chair across from me. “About that. I think it would be wise if we kept our marriage problems on the backburner until we get home. You’ve got enough going on, and we need to be a combined front.”
“In other words, you want to keep appearances up?” I snickered in an annoying way. “Whatever, Veronica.”
“I’m here with you, Chad. Just remember that. I’m willing to work things out, because I don’t want to break up our family.”
I covered my face with my hands. “I need to call the lawyer about the arrangements. Can you excuse me for a while?”
When she got up and left the room I looked back at the computer screen, set on reply, but with nothing typed. To be appreciative, I thought it was important to thank Rachel for her assistance.
Rachel:
It means a lot to know you spent the time to take care of those matters to make it easier on me. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Last night was rough on me. Thanks again.
Chad
I started to close out the application after sending two more messages and noticed a new one popped up.
Chad:
I don’t know about seeing you in person, but if you need someone to talk to on here I’m always around. I couldn’t sleep last night. I know he’s suffered for a long time, and I hated seeing it. Maybe I’m being selfish for wishing he was still with us. It’s hard to say goodbye to the people you care most about. As I said yesterday, I’m so very sorry for your loss. You made him proud. I hope you know that.
Rachel
Why was it that my own wife couldn’t give me this kind of comfort? As much as it annoyed me I knew I wanted to continue speaking to Rachel, even if I never heard the end of it from Veronica. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong. She was being a friend to me.
Rachel:
I keep thinking this is a terrible dream. I promised him I’d be at his side, but when he stopped breathing they forced us away. I feel like I let him down. How long had he been suffering? Why didn’t he call me? Why hadn’t he reached out for me to come home sooner? I would have dropped everything to spend more time with him. Now he’s gone and I regret staying away for so long.
Chad
Chad:
It’s not your fault. You have a life and a family now. Don’t blame yourself. Your grandfather was happy. I saw him last week. We went out for lunch. He ordered extra bacon on his burger and acted as if the world was his oyster. You were there when he needed you. That’s what matters the most.
Rachel
I was getting choked up again, but this time it was for more than one reason. Rachel had valid points, but I’d missed out on too much. It was ironic how she’d been the reason I left, yet I wasn’t at all angry with her. I was upset with myself.
Rachel:
Thank you again for helping. We’ll be seeing you at the funeral in the next couple of days. I won’t be having a viewing. I think one service will suffice.
Chad
This time when I closed the computer I had no intention of opening it back up. I had to stop this, because it was making me lose it over and over again.
I spent the rest of the afternoon contacting the attorney, and the funeral home. Arrangements were in order, and they even had a list of people to contact on their end. Gracie stopped by later on and informed me she’d called his close friends, so all that was left for me to do was linger around the property remembering the man for the extravagant life he lived, and the time I’d missed out on by moving away.
Chapter 8
Veronica and Harper being around the mansion had helped, at least to keep me occupied. I ran around the house most of the time, chasing after her and showing her my favorites places to hide and play. We’d even ventured out into the woods and found my old fort. After discovering a bucket of white paint in one of the sheds, we painted it and put her name on the door, overtop where mine had once been.
Harper was happy all the time. It was contagious when I was with her, making any sort of tragedy easier to cope with.
With everything I was going through, just knowing I’d always have her by my side made it all manageable.
The day of the funeral arrived, and I still don't think I'd fully accepted his death. Per my grandfather's request, the service was to be held at a large cathedral in town. We'd arrived an hour early, and already there were a large amount of individuals waiting to get inside.
Known for his accomplishments with the agency, many big named celebrities were expected to be in attendance. It was unlikely everyone he'd ever represented would be there, but I had a feeling the turnout would be extraordinary.
Veronica stayed at my side, holding the hand of H
arper as we made our way into the main chapel.
My grandfather’s casket was open, and even though I didn't care for funerals, I knew I had to put on a brave face for everyone else. All eyes would be on me; the last living heir in the family. Gracie was walking away from the casket with a hand full of tissues.
“I’m going to miss him very much.” She hugged me briefly before walking away to sit in the front row where I’d soon join her.
Instead of standing around to greet people as they came in, I walked straight up to the casket, placing my hands on the sides. The makeup artist had done a good job giving him color and making him appear lifelike. I took in the man’s traits, his thick eyebrows and large rounded ears. His straight nose had always been predominant in the center of his face. I started wondering if I'd forget his attributes like I had somehow managed to do with my mother. Even though I could vividly remember everything about her, her exact image always seemed distorted. I wondered if it was normal, like some part of me wanted to forget the pain of losing her. If I couldn't remember every small detail, it would make the coping easier.
I reached my hand forward to touch him one last time, sucking in a deep breath of air to keep control of my tormented emotions. Then I felt a presence come to stand next to me. At first I thought it was one of my girls, offering me support in my time of need. This person put their hand over mine, and it wasn’t until I saw the wedding ring when I realized who it was.
Rachel was standing right next to me, her soft hand overtop of mine. Tears were in her eyes as she peered down at my grandfather for possibly the last time. In that moment I realized she needed my support just as much as I yearned for hers. “He’s peaceful, don’t you think?” She asked.
“Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. He’s not suffering any more. There won’t be annual cancer testing, and the stress of waiting for the results. He’ll never have to go through treatments, or suffer the side effects that always made him sick.”
She applied pressure to my hand. “How are you really doing, Chad? I’ve been thinking about you. After you emailed me I was starting to worry. I thought about dropping by, but I figured you’d have family with you and I didn’t want to intrude.”
I ignored the fact that I could feel Veronica’s eyes burning a hole in my back. It killed me how she thought she had a right to be pissed off because I was talking to someone I was once involved with, when I knew she was still involved in an affair.
“Don’t think that. You’re always welcome. It’s what he would have wanted.”
For a moment we were both silent. Then I heard her sniffles. She was losing it and I wanted nothing more than to pull her in my arms and make the pain go away. The more I listened to her suffering, the harder it was to control my own emotions. I couldn’t have cared who was watching or what they’d assume. I turned to face her and brought her body close to mine. She sobbed lightly against my suit jacket, but I never let go. I didn’t mind how much snot she left on it. Rachel needed this, and there wasn’t another person in the building more qualified to comfort her. “It’s okay. Just let it out.”
She pulled away while shaking her head and doing her best to wipe away the makeup, which was now running down her face. “I’m sorry, Chad. I know you don’t need this right now. I’ve just suffered so much, and it’s always hard to bury the people we love.”
When she said it, I looked out at the pews, searching for her husband. I figured he’d come with her to be there in her time of need. After I searched the room and didn’t see him, I gave her my undivided attention. “Did you come alone?”
“Stephanie is here with me. She used the ladies room while I found us a seat. I saw you when I came in and figured you wouldn’t think I was crazy if I lost it.”
“Do you want to sit up front with us? You were family to him.”
“I don’t have to.”
“I want you there. Please.” I led her over to sit down in the first pew, ignoring my wife as I took the spot between them.
Right away I felt her hand on my knee, like she was claiming me as hers. Now, in all the times I wanted my wife to appreciate me, and love me with her whole heart, I knew she was only being selfish for her own personal reasons. She may not have wanted me herself, but she also didn’t want anyone else thinking they could have me either. In the middle of preparing to bury my grandfather, I had to deal with her immature shenanigans.
While the church filled with crowds of people, I sat staring at the altar, seeing the donated flowers and the ones that had been prearranged. People came up and paid their respects, some crying as they walked away.
Harper left the seat beside her mother and came up to me, climbing on my lap. “Daddy, can I go up there too? I want to say goodbye.”
Surprisingly, Veronica stood and held out her hand. “Come on, baby. Mommy will take you. I haven’t gone yet.”
I watched as they walked up and waited for their turn with my grandfather. Maybe I should have joined them, but I was too weak to go through it again. I wanted to remember him as being alive and full of jokes, not the lifeless body lying in a casket.
“Your daughter is beautiful,” said the voice sitting next to me.
I didn’t take my eyes off of Harper. “Thank you. She’s my everything.”
“Your wife is stunning, Chad. I always knew you’d marry a beauty.”
I turned my head away to hide my sarcastic reaction. My wife may have been beautiful, but I was starting to think she was an ugly person on the inside. I hated how much she’d been through as a child, but couldn’t begin to understand why she was so narcissistic. “She’s a good mother.”
When I turned to look at Rachel, I could tell she was curious as to why I’d only mentioned her being a mother, but she wouldn’t dare come out and ask me about it, not in a church. Rachel wasn’t inappropriate like Veronica. She had class, and respect.
I watched Rachel’s stepdaughter come in and sit down next to her. She smiled when she saw me and took her mother’s hand. I noticed right away she was pregnant. Leaning over to whisper in Rachel’s ear probably looked bad, but I was only doing it so no one else could hear what I was saying. “You’re going to be a grandmother.”
She grinned and gave me an excited look. “I am.” I watched her hand rub over Stephanie’s belly. “She’s due in two months. I’m so excited.”
“I bet.”
Rachel never had children of her own, but I knew she was the best step parent she could possibly be. Stephanie’s birth mother died when she was a young child, so in many ways Rachel was the only mother she could remember.
The music started to play from an organ and I watched the priest walking toward me. He greeted those of us in the first pew before heading to the altar. Veronica came back to sit next to me, taking my hand immediately.
Halfway through the service, I had to get a box of tissues for Rachel. Then she did the unthinkable. She got up and headed for the altar, intent on speaking to the audience of attendees.
“On behalf of the family, I’d like to thank everyone for attending today’s service. Many of you already know how close we were after many years of working together. Charles gave me a job when I was just a teenager with absolutely no experience. He’s been there for me through good times and bad, acting much like a father figure for most of it. Charles was a blessing in my life. He’s given me more than I could ever ask for. He made me promise that I’d do this at his funeral. I know it seems like a morbid conversation, but we discussed it over a bottle of chardonnay while watching the sunset. Last year I lost another person dear to me. Charles made sure I knew I was never alone. He helped me through the hardest of times, and proved to me that life could go on. Charles could see the beauty in people, even when they couldn’t see it in themselves. He was a giving man, and I know firsthand he loved his life. His grandson is proof of it. I’ve watched Chad grow into a successful man. When Charles’ daughter passed away he and his wife took in their grandson. They gave him the best education, b
ut mostly taught him how to be the kind of man people can rely on. Charles once told me Chad was his greatest accomplishment. I was blessed to know both men, and I’m up here today to thank you all for coming and celebrating the life of Charles Farrow. He’s gone, but none of us will ever forget him. Rest in peace my dear friend.”
Rachel came back to sit next to me, but she was too upset for me to inquire who’d died. I wondered if she was talking about her father, for the life of me I couldn’t remember her ever mentioning him. While the priest said his final prayers, I struggled to keep my composure when the person next to me was falling apart. My head was sending me to a million places when all I really wanted to do was hold her in my arms and promise her everything would be okay, even my own life.
But I couldn’t.
My wife was sitting next to me, her hand laced with mine. She wasn’t offering sustenance. She was proving to me that we weren’t at all on the same page, and hadn’t been in a very long time.
There were two women I’d loved in my life, both of them sitting next to me, and at that moment I knew I was with the wrong one. Years had gone by, plenty of time for me to get over the loss of Rachel, yet seeing her again had brought back every single feeling I’d thought was buried. I didn’t miss Veronica, not even before I suspected she was having an affair. We were more like passing ships in the night. She did her thing, while I did mine.
In that moment of reasoning, I could finally see everything so clear, as if my grandfather was guiding me in the direction I needed to go.
There was just one problem.
We were married to other people. I lived across the country. I had a child to consider.
Okay, maybe it was more than one problem. Maybe it was a clusterfuck of issues proving there was no way out of the life I was living.
Belong Page 5
