“She’s okay. How is Veronica?”
“She’s going to be fine,” I lied in hopes it would turn out that way. “I’m going to get some rest and head back over to the hospital in the morning. Do you need anything? Should I call someone to relieve you?”
“No. My mom is going to come over while I go to my classes, and then I’ll come back. Harper is fine. If we need to go somewhere she can tag along with us.”
“Thanks, Dani. We really appreciate it.”
My next stop was into my daughter’s room. A small nightlight illuminated the small area, making it easier to see my sleeping beauty. I walked over and sat down on the edge of her mattress. She stirred, her little eyes fluttering open. Suddenly I had arms wrapped behind my neck as far as they would go. “Daddy, you’re back. Is Mommy home too?”
“No, she has to stay with the doctors a little while longer.”
“Is she hurt? Mommy made me call for help. She said I was a big helper. She was bleeding.”
“She’s going to be okay, sweetie. Daddy is headed to bed, and in the morning I’m going to go check on Mommy again. Dani and Ms. Helen are going to take care of you until I return. Is that okay?” I hated making promises I didn’t know I could keep, but I had hopes everything would work out. They had to.
“I want to see Mommy too. Why can’t I go?”
“Mommy is having some tests tomorrow. Maybe later on we can drop back by for a visit, if she has to stay. Daddy is hoping to bring her home so we can all be together. How does that sound?”
“Good.” I started to get up as she continued. “Can I sleep with you tonight? I miss Mommy.” Her little bottom lip was protruding, making it impossible for me to resist. One day she’d be a little heartbreaker, but right now she was my special little girl.
“Yeah, come on, just as long as you don’t hog the covers,” I teased.
“I don’t do that.” She giggled while I lifted her to carry.
Having Harper with me wasn’t going to make my worries go away, but at least I wouldn’t be alone. She was the reason I’d do my best to make Veronica comfortable.
Before finally falling victim of my own exhaustion I silently lay there imagining a life with Rachel, and then it being stripped away, one piece at a time. In life there is always some sort of resolution, though I couldn’t imagine finding it. I was on a reckless train, out of control and headed into an ocean with no means to survive. My life, the mess I’d made of it, the future I longed to have, were all being pulled in different directions. I couldn’t come up with a solution for everyone to be happy, and knowing that made my life so much more complicated.
Chapter 37
I was up and out the door bright and early the next morning, eager to get more answers and be able to get plans into motion to help Veronica.
By the time I arrived at the hospital, she was already in bad shape. “I know I’m going to die, Chad. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. They’re going to find something bad today. What am I going to do? How will I say goodbye to Harper? What if it’s spread throughout my whole body?”
“Would you stop it. We don’t know anything. You have to calm down and hold on to hope.”
“I can’t. You haven’t lived the same life as me. You haven’t been faced with demons, only to have another pop up. I’ve already lost everything. What good can come from this? I’m forcing your hand, and I hate myself.”
“You’re being ridiculous. I’m here because I want to be.”
“You’re here because you feel obligated. There’s a difference. I know you want out. You’re probably happy this could resolve all your problems.”
“Never once have I considered it, that’s the damn truth. Stop talking nonsense and say a prayer with me. Hold on to something, Veronica. For god sakes, stop being so morbid. You’re alive. That’s a good as a gift as ever to have hope. You’re going to be okay. I promise.”
She ignored me for the few hours, pretending I wasn’t even in the room. I researched her condition on my phone, reading about other people’s struggles and how they’d overcome adversity and fought the disease.
A few times I thought about Rachel, but knew I had to give her some time to herself. I’d strung her along enough, begging her to move in, only to tell her I wouldn’t be joining her, at least not any time soon.
Despite my efforts to reassure my wife, Veronica was a wreck when they wheeled her away for testing. Her sobs could be heard all the way down the hall, possibly further, I couldn’t be sure.
While she was gone I reflected on our life together, the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I thought about her childhood, and the pain she’d spent her whole life trying to forget. I recalled the beautiful birth of our daughter, and seeing the love flow through her when our child was placed in her arms for the first time. My mind reminisced on our baby’s first smile, tooth, and steps. I remembered the way Veronica appreciated me, trusted me even. We’d built a life together, full of ups and downs, but mostly love. Even our flaws gave us lessons in how to work together. Never in a million years could I have seen this coming.
Nearly two hours after her tests were complete, we were visited by the oncologist and his news wasn’t what we were both hoping for.
“The cancer has spread to her lungs and lymph nodes. We can do a hysterectomy, and several rounds of treatment, but I’m afraid it may only slow down the process.” It kept repeating in my mind as I watched Veronica falling apart, and the doctor continue to talk with his words turning into a low mumble. I was losing my grip to hold on, listening to the sound of her shrills as she was delivered the gravest of results. She’d known the news was going to be bad, even when I argued with her to be positive.
I’d promised she’d overcome this obstacle, and now been given the news there was no cure. The cancer had spread, and the inevitable truth was staring us in the face.
“How long does she have?” I asked once the doctor and I both exited the room.
“It depends. She could last for another two years, maybe even more. It wouldn’t be unheard of, especially if we get her into treatment immediately.”
“Two years?” I could barely repeat his diagnosis. “That’s it?”
“Mr. Farrow, I know this is difficult. Perhaps you’d like to get a second opinion?”
That’s when it dawned on me what needed to be done. Veronica was in no shape to argue. We needed the best of doctors without time to waste. “We’ll be relocating to our east coast home for further treatments. My family has an oncologist out of Hopkins we’ve used in the past. I’ll make sure we have all the impertinent medical files transferred over to his office before we leave this facility.”
“You have to do what’s best for you family, sir.”
I spent some time in the hospital chapel, asking God to help me. I even spoke freely to my grandfather, as if he were sitting next to me listening. The gut-wrenching news we’d been given was disheartening and destroyed my ability to still want a life beyond this obstacle. I felt guilty hoping for resolution all those times, as if this was some easy way out. I wanted to take it back; to pretend it never happened, because then maybe she’d at least be healthy and able to watch our daughter grow into a beautiful young woman.
My obligation to Veronica and her treatment left me with no other options. We needed to head to the east coast so she could receive the best care possible from someone I trusted. It was not meant to offend the doctors anywhere else, but I’d put my faith in John’s Hopkins before and watched them work miracles on my grandfather. He’d lived way longer than anyone would have predicted.
Later that evening, after I’d made a ton of calls, and we’d both had time to let it all sink in, I confronted her with what I’d decided. She was angry, and relentless.
“What do you mean we’re moving? Our life is here. I’m not spending the rest of my days in that gloomy place. I hate it there.”
“You’ll be receiving the best care. It’s a done deal. I’ve already contacted movers and
made an appointment with the doctor two days from now. If there’s a chance we can beat this, we’re going to take it. Do it for Harper. Please.”
As much as she’d like to fight me, Veronica wasn’t ready to give, not entirely. “Fine. I’ll do whatever it takes to have more time with her, Chad. Please help me through this. I don’t want to die.”
I rushed to her side, taking her hand and speaking with a reassuring stare. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
“You promised I’d be okay. Your promises don’t mean anything.”
“I know. I’m going to make it right. This new doctor may have another diagnosis. There could be other treatments. You can’t give up. I need you to fight. I need you to live, Veronica.”
We cried together for a while, both too distraught to have a meaningful conversation. I didn’t have the words to express how sorry I was, and she couldn’t calm down enough to complain about me silence. She wasn’t alone, though I was probably the worst kind of support, not knowing what to do or say to lift her spirits.
When I left for the evening, to tend to Harper and give the neighbors a break, I vowed to do whatever necessary to keep her comfortable. She had to be my first priority, no matter what the stake. If her life was coming to an end, I wanted her to go surrounded by family and love, and if she managed to fight through this and beat the odds, she needed to know we were her biggest supporters.
Just before walking out the door she stopped me. “Chad, thank you for being here with me.”
“Don’t thank me. There’s no place else I’d rather be.” In that moment I meant it. She was going through a traumatic time and I vowed to be there.
“That means the world to me. I know you contacted a lawyer about our divorce. I got your mail and saw the return address. I’m okay if you still want to proceed. I know it’s what you want.”
“I’m not going to meet with any attorney. We’ll see this through together, and whatever comes next we’ll figure it out. All I care about is getting you better, and home to our daughter. Let me worry about the rest.”
We didn’t discuss Rachel, which was a good thing. I had to wait until I headed home for the night before considering what I’d have to say to her. It was a whole different situation I was smack in the middle of. She’d called me from the mansion, set on moving on in, and I was about to crush her dreams of that when I told her it wasn’t going to happen. I had to bring my family there so Veronica could receive the medical care she needed. There was no choice.
Chapter 38
When Chad called the next evening I assumed it would be with better news. I figured if it were bad he would have reached out to me for an ear. Instead, he was calling to shatter all hope of us being able to be together at all.
“Hey, I was wondering when I’d hear from you.”
“Rach, Tell me you haven’t moved any of your things into the mansion.”
I sunk down on my sofa, looking straight at the four packed boxes I’d spent hours getting together. “Of course not. Why?” I couldn’t tell him how excited Stephanie was about moving back to her childhood home, or how she’d been over earlier in the day to bring over a few of their things.
“I don’t know how to say this any other way. Veronica had her tests today, and what they found was bad. It’s spread. Her lungs and lymph nodes now have cancer in them.” His voice started to break up and my heart broke for the anguish he was having to go through. “They’re giving her two years at the most.”
“Oh my god.” What else could I say? His wife was dying, all while we’d been planning to get away from her so we could be together. I felt sick to my stomach, evil even. “I’m so sorry.”
“She needs to see my grandfather’s doctors, so we’re moving into the mansion. Our flight leaves tomorrow. Once we’re settled, I’ll head back to California to get the house on the market and help the moving company sort out what we’re bringing with us. I know it’s not what you thought I’d be calling about, and I wish circumstances could be different, but this is what has to happen. I have to be with her, no matter how long it takes.”
I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “Of course. I get it. It’s where you need to be.”
“Rach, I need to be focused on them. I can’t give Veronica any reasons to want to give up fighting. Harper needs her. I won’t be able to see you for a while.”
“I understand.” The tears were pouring from my eyes, while I tried my hardest to keep him from detecting it. “It’s the right decision for everyone. You need to remain focused. There’s got to be something out there they can do. Medicine has come along way, and if Charles could beat the odds, anyone can.”
“Please don’t hate me.”
“How could I hate you?”
“You’ll never know how sorry I am for leading you and then taking it all away again. I hate myself, but I’m obligated.”
“Just keep in touch the best you can. I don’t expect weekly phone calls, but checking in every once in a while would be nice.” Was I really suggesting for him to keep his distance? Was I crazy?
“Okay. Rach, I love you. I need you to know that. I still want us to be together, it just can’t be right now. Tell me it’s going to be alright. Tell me I can handle this.” It was obvious he was torn, falling apart without the means to put himself back together.
“You will get through this. I know you can.”
“I promise I’ll call.”
“I look forward to it.”
“Goodbye, Rach.”
“Goodbye, Chad.”
The boxes I’d been staring at didn’t move for three days. I stayed in my room for two of them, unable to accept something else was standing in our way.
I’d become accustom to handling bad news. I knew how to simplify my life in order to manage stress, but this was unbearable. First Grayson, then Charles, and now I was losing Chad all over again. This time there wouldn’t be an easy resolution. His wife could be dying, and I refused to be a distraction for Chad. His focus had to be on his wife; his family. They needed each other, even if it were only for a friendship.
My despondent demeanor didn’t change for the next week, or the one that followed. At first Chad sent messages, telling me about the newest doctor’s appointment and how the second opinion was much the same as the first. I could tell he was determined to keep fighting, because giving up meant his child would be without a mother. From someone who raised a child that wasn’t my own, I could appreciate how important it was for him to do everything in his power to keep her alive. I didn’t even want to begin to imagine the amount of money he was prepared to spend in order for her to have a second chance at life. Chad was relentless, and determined. He’d do everything in his power to make sure his little girl didn’t have to endure the most paramount of losses.
I can see where my actions would seem ridiculous to many, or that I didn’t deserve to be upset, because I never should have gotten involved with a married man. In many ways I felt ashamed for being a part in it, especially after I’d fought to keep my distance from him in the beginning, only to fall victim to the way only he could make me feel.
Breaking the news to Stephanie and her husband was another struggle for me. Since she’d been elated to have been offered the house, free and clear, I refused to go back on my word, so in the midst of my own problems, I decided to rent a smaller place more suitable for one person.
It was hard packing up most of my things when I knew I was going somewhere to be alone. When Chad’s emails started to become less frequent, it was easier to deal with not being together.
I spent my free time helping Stephanie with the baby, and moving into a compact space of my own.
I thought about calling Chad and letting him know about my change of address, but knew he was dealing with enough. If he needed me, he’d proven I was easy to find.
A month went by, and even though my heart still ached for his companionship, I found solace in knowing he was being the man I loved; the devoted
person who saw things through until the very end.
This part of my life wasn’t uncharted waters. I’d loved and I’d lost. The vicious cycle kept going, even when I was ready to give up.
There wasn’t a way to know how many tears I’d shed, or how many boxes of tissues I’d gone through, but what I did know was that with every amount of pain I was dealt, I came out stronger than before. I’d get through this, with or without Chad.
Thirty seven days after telling me the news of his wife, I got an email from Chad. Seeing his name pop up on my computer screen forced my stomach to knot up. I sucked in a deep breath and prepared for the worse, because let’s face it, I was tired of being hopeful. At this point I was fully prepared for anything.
Rachel,
The past months have been trying for my family. Veronica has seen more doctors than anyone should in their whole lives. The diagnosis is always the same. There is little they can do with her late stage cancer, so now they’re just doing the best they can to provide her with extra time. Two weeks ago she started getting sick from the treatments. With the lack of sleep she was receiving, the doctors started giving her something to help. She’s heavily medicated, and her side effects have been crippling on most days. I never would have thought I’d have to watch another woman I cared about die in front of my eyes.
I’m sorry I haven’t phoned you, or reached out in any way. To be honest, I just needed time. I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like seeing Harper watching her mother fading away, just as I did with my own.
Some days are good. Veronica gets out of bed and spends quality time with us, but it always ends the same. She’s frail and her body gets tired quickly. Harper doesn’t understand how she can’t run around anymore.
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