by K. Shandwick
Even after the initial grief of her loss passed, she would still be a small child with so many ‘firsts’ to face in her lifetime. The natural order of things would have been to share them with her mom, but I knew she’d never get the chance to do that now.
A soft knock on the door pulled my mind from that dark place and when I answered I was surprised to find Noah standing there with his hands in his pockets. “Traveling can be lonely at the best of times and as you’re traveling without a companion I wondered if you’d be so kind as to share a bite to eat with me?”
It was the last thing I had expected to happen, but I was amazed by how thankful I was for his thoughtfulness. Nevertheless, I wasn’t hungry, and even if I had been, I would have had no intention of walking into a restaurant and being seen in public with him.
“Thank you for your kind offer; however I don’t have much of an appetite and I ate a sandwich not that long ago… besides I don’t think being seen in a restaurant with you would be a good idea,” I answered honestly.
“I’d prefer not to be in the restaurant either, so I was wondering, if I ordered something could we just hang out for a while? I’d like to know more about Shona… that is if you’re up to sharing about her with me?”
My gut feeling was Noah felt lonely, and I wondered if he was unsure after sharing all that he’d told me. Weirdly, I felt the need to reassure him on that. “A little company may be nice,” I heard myself reply as I fought against the weirdness of sharing an evening with him.
Although the situation felt weird, it didn’t feel strange letting Noah into my room because he didn’t feel like a stranger after all he’d shared with me. I gestured to the small sofa for him to take a seat and wandered over to the wet bar to get us some drinks. Grabbing a small bottle of white wine, I began to remove it then hesitated when I remembered Noah was in recovery and went to put it back.
“Don’t. Drink it, I’m fine. I’ll have a soda water with a piece of lime if you’re pouring,” he said with a relaxed smile. I found myself returning it with a small smile of my own.
We sat side by side on the small sofa like two old friends and the conversation between us came easy. It was appropriate in the circumstance that neither of us appeared to hold back, nor were we afraid to say what was in our hearts about those we loved. And I found it refreshing not to have to pretend I was strong.
Instead of pizza he ordered an eclectic selection of dishes to share, then he sat back, leg crossed at the knee, and listened attentively as I gave an affectionate account of the colorful life Shona had led as he waited for his food.
“She sounds like she was quite a character,” he offered once I was done.
“She was. For all her annoying and difficult ways, she’s leaving a huge hole in our lives,” I replied as tears filled my eyes to the brim. Swallowing roughly, I tried to stem the flow, but the feeling of loss became so overwhelming I had no option but to give in to the new wave of grief that washed over me.
Noah turned to face me, snaking his strong arm around my shoulder and he pulled me into his side. Wrapping his other arm around me, he rubbed my back until my tears were under control. As soon as I felt my strength return I pulled back, but not quick enough before he cupped the sides of my head with his hands and dried my wet cheeks with his thumbs.
No one had ever looked at me the way he did at that moment. His eyes were full of honesty as they stared intensely into mine. “It’s okay, Maggie. Let it all out, honey. Just do whatever you need to do to stop the sadness from building so high that it stops you from moving forward.”
Only someone who’d experienced despair could have expressed those words. As soon as he’d said them I believed he knew how I felt.
Sometimes you meet a stranger and instantly know they’re a good person. Noah Haxby was that stranger to me. I knew instinctively the man beside me was the true version of Noah and nothing like the crazy rock star I’d turned my nose up at whenever I’d heard the media churn out yet another story about him.
After my emotional breakdown, dinner arrived and with a change in the direction of our conversation I felt my strength return. Naturally, I slid into the matter-of-fact mode I used in school to get me through and led Noah into a conversation about himself.
My heart ached when I heard him talk about how difficult life was for him after his son was born and I sympathized with a young dad whose life was changed forever by the will of someone else. Not because he was too young to be a father, but because he wanted to accept the responsibility and had been prevented from doing it out of spite.
Most surprising was how open Noah was when he spoke about his depression and I was touched by how he described his raw feelings toward his son, and how devastated he was about not being able to have a normal relationship with him. If what he told me was true, Andrea’s behavior had led to his depression and alcohol dependency.
His story tugged at my heartstrings because I knew how the absence of either parent could affect the emotional wealth and confidence of a child. I saw it every day with children I taught in school. I wondered what Andrea had told Rudi and how that would affect his son as he got older. Would he grow up watching his father on television and think he’d abandoned him?
Two hours later, I had eaten more than I had in days despite my protests of not being hungry and I found myself reassuring Noah the truth would come out in the end. I suggested he keep a journal or something positive to show his son when the time came, to show him that he’d thought about him often.
I saw how uplifting this idea was when Noah became enthusiastic about making a video journal of his feelings toward his son where he’d talk about events that had happened from week to week and it felt good from my point of view to have been able to offer something to comfort him in return.
For five hours in total that day we shared our inner and darkest thoughts, our deepest fears as well as our hopes for the future. His hope was to have a relationship with his son, mine was to find the resources and strength to meet Molly’s needs.
When Noah left to go back to his room, I was a fan. Not of the rock star; someone who would never normally have given me the time of day, but of the man, and my gut told me I hadn’t seen the last of him and I was thankful for his time.
That night I was distracted long enough to help me get some sleep. Life had dealt me a poor hand but when I looked to Noah—a man almost broken, with a fractured family life behind him before it had even begun—I reasoned at least my life was still full because I had Molly. As I lay staring at the window cloaked in darkness, I drew strength from spending time with him in my hour of need.
Shona and Andrea had shaped Noah’s and my fate in ways neither of us could control, but like Noah said, by keeping our sadness to a controllable level hopefully the pain would be bearable enough to keep us moving forward.
The hotel room phone rang loudly, dragging me from my sleep. I pried open my eyes as I grappled around for the phone handset and held it to my ear.
“Good morning, this is your early morning wake up call. The shuttle bus will be leaving for the airport in forty-five minutes. Have a great day.” Click. I slumped back into the luxury of the soft pillows and for a second everything seemed fine, then the wave of grief rose like a huge dark shadow and the tragic memory of what had happened to Shona shot back in my mind with force.
I pushed back my grief, showered, and was changing into my clothes when my cell phone rang. An official from the US embassy in Dubai informed me Shona’s body was about to leave a chapel of rest and was being taken to the plane for the final leg of our journey. My throat stung at the never-ending hurt I felt in my heart.
Dressed in black slacks and a black shirt, I wrapped a thin black cardigan around my shoulders then pulled the handle up on my pull along suitcase from the luggage stand. Closing the hotel room door, I made my way downstairs to the shuttle bus. As I left the elevator, I noticed Eamon standing by the door. He intercepted me before I boarded the bus.
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�Maggie, Noah was wondering if you’d travel with him to the airport. He’s waiting in the car over there,” he said and nodded toward the only other vehicle in the parking lot. I was touched and nodded, thankful I didn’t have to face everyone on the shuttle. I followed Eamon in silence toward the car and when he opened it I saw Noah slide across the seat to accommodate me next to him.
“Hi, Maggie. How are you doing? Tough morning for you, honey,” he acknowledged. “I figured it would be better if you had someone to help you through this. Is that okay?”
I was too choked to speak because I was so touched by his gesture. Until I’d spoken to Noah I had felt alone in my journey. Noah pretended not to notice, turned to look out the window and leaned back in his seat when I became upset. “The sky is fantastic. Not a cloud in sight. Let’s hope it’s a smooth ride today.”
Something in the way he said it meant so much to me. I knew he was distracting me from the pain I held inside. Nothing would have changed the course of events taking place, but at the very least Noah had tried to make it bearable for me.
The short journey to the airport was over too soon and I knew I had to face the sight of my sister’s casket being stowed onto a plane. Noah swept past me and jumped out of the vehicle, “Wait here. Eamon will make sure you’re taken care of if we can’t go through together.”
Staring at the back of Eamon’s head while he spoke to the VIP host, I felt embarrassed again—like a charity case. I was used to being strong and taking care of my own needs, but I was out of my depth and it felt excruciatingly difficult for me to rely on someone else. I waved the thought aside because getting home was all I cared about by that point.
“All right, Maggie, come on, honey,” Noah softly coaxed when Eamon came back. Noah got out of the car and I glanced at the outstretched palm he offered. I hesitated for a second then reached out and accepted it. His fingers curled around mine and I drew comfort from his warm gentle touch.
Stepping out onto the sidewalk, I glanced up at him when he turned and began to pull me along with him toward the airport building. I pulled my fingers slowly from his grasp and adjusted the shoulder strap of my purse as an excuse to break the contact. Noah’s brow furrowed, but he acted as if he didn’t notice my deliberate separation. “An airline representative is coming to meet you to escort you to the plane.”
A young English woman in a flight attendant’s uniform joined us less than a minute after we went inside. “My deepest condolences,” she murmured, bowing her head as she stepped forward to meet me. “If you’d care to follow me, the car is waiting to transfer Shona to the aircraft.” I nodded slowly and Noah squeezed my shoulder, then he turned and walked off with Eamon beside him.
After an exchange of paperwork, I was transported to the plane and shown to my seat in first class—this time in the center isle at the very back near an exit and the restrooms. My cot seat was one of two adjoined and I was surprised when a few minutes later Noah came on board and sat next to me.
“I’m sorry sir, this seat—”
“Is mine. I’m supporting Ms. Dashwood today,” he informed the flight attendant who had tried to prevent him sitting down, with an authoritative tone.
“I see, but this seat is assigned.”
“Then reassign it… to me. What’s the big deal? Everyone’s going to bed soon anyway.”
The cabin assistant huffed heavily, turned on her heel and strode purposefully toward the cabin manager. We both stared silently at her and I willed her boss to tell her Noah was staying put. Seconds later she turned to look at me with pity in her eyes and I knew he had agreed Noah should stay if I wanted him to. Relief flooded my body, and I was thankful someone familiar to my situation was close by.
“Watched any good movies lately?” Noah asked, distracting me from the attendant.
I turned and watched as he flicked from one page to the next of the inflight media magazine. He stopped at a double page display of a sexy new flick I’d seen being advertised on a loop on TV since the release day was announced.
“I’m sure you’d enjoy that,” I teased and wondered what the hell had possessed me to say it.
Glancing down at the page with the scantily clad female he smiled. He didn’t try to deny it, and I was glad of his honesty. “Well that’s my bedtime entertainment taken care of,” he agreed and smirked wickedly.
I was pleased for the moment of normalcy.
“So, what floats your boat? Bridget Jones? The Titanic? Or are you into a little BDSM yourself?”
Something happened in a heartbeat when he asked me that question. I became a woman again, and aware of being older than him. It shouldn’t have mattered, but I wondered how he saw me. Then I felt ridiculous because he was only a traveling acquaintance in that moment, but it had mattered.
“The latter, can’t you tell?” I said and I felt disgusted with myself given the circumstance, then I quickly put it down to my emotional state.
“Seriously?” he asked, his eyes widening flirtatiously back at me.
Despite the circumstances I found his attention welcome before I dismissed what I thought I’d read in his eyes. I excused my out of character behavior and thought I was reading him that way because of my vulnerabilities.
“No of course not. I’m a single woman with a child to take care of, when would I have time to be tied up?”
Noah burst out laughing attracting the attention of a straight-laced businessman who sat across from him. The affluent looking man gave him a look of disdain and vigorously shook his newspaper as a show of annoyance.
I looked back to Noah who was smiling warmly. He was still facing me and was oblivious to the passenger’s reaction. I felt my cheeks warm and his eyes softened before he reached over and took my hand in his. His sudden act of affection made me feel slightly embarrassed, excited, and confused.
“Now, you see that? Finding your sense of humor even in your darkest hour, that’s what’s going to get you through this, sweetheart.” Reality came crashing down, his reminder instantly filling my head with everything I still had to go through, and my heart sank to my stomach because I was foolish to even think in terms of men because my life was governed by Molly the second the call came about Shona.
“It’s not a matter of getting through it, it’s the ‘being amongst it’ that bothers me most.” I replied honestly.
Noah squeezed my hand like he understood. “Listen, I know how daunting all this is for you, but you’ll get through this, eventually. That’s not me being glib or minimizing what’s happened to Shona. People never know what they can cope with until they stare situations in the face. After our conversation last night, I have no doubt in my mind you’ll do an amazing job with Molly.”
Noah didn’t know me from a hole in the wall, and yet he’d gone out of his way by offering me his company and words of comfort when most other people I’d interacted with since Shona’s death had treated me like a hot potato in their hands. His thoughtfulness meant a lot. Unfortunately, the flight attendant interrupted with her cabin safety check before I’d had the opportunity to tell him so.
When he reached out and took my hand it had felt natural given his words of comfort, but when I saw the female cabin crew member notice, his gesture made me feel awkward.
I tried to slip my hand out of Noah’s grasp, but as his grip tightened I realized, as a nervous flyer he was worried about the imminent take-off. The chatty conversationalist in him had fallen silent and instead I saw the knuckles of his other hand blanch as he clutched tightly on the arm rest. Knowing this gave me a valid reason to continue to hold his hand.
When the plane gathered speed along the runway, I saw his eyes squeeze shut and his fingers tightened on my hand. My heart clenched in empathy when I was given a glimpse into another layer of a guy who sang to tens of thousands in one hit, suddenly displaying his vulnerability like that.
We sat there for a few minutes while the huge manmade bird climbed to settle into its chosen flight path, then Noah released m
y hand and stared seriously into my eyes. “Fuck. I don’t know why I put myself through this,” he muttered.
“I don’t know why you’re so worried, you only die once, right? And anyway, the size of this thing we’d fall so fast you’d be unconscious by the time we hit the ground.” I offered trying to lighten the mood.
Noah’s eyes widened, but he offered a smile. “Thanks, and to think I was beginning to like you,” he muttered.
My heart flipped over in my chest at his unexpected comment, even if was made in sarcasm. He turned his attention to his small backpack and pulled out a huge pair of expensive headphones. He flashed me another smile and slid them onto his ears. Seconds later he was selecting the raunchy movie we spoke about and settled back into his chair.
If it weren’t for Shona, I’d never have thought I had anything in common with someone like Noah, yet after the compassion and consideration he’d shown me he had left me feeling closer to him than I had to anyone for years.
I had always praised myself on being a good judge of character and once I had gotten to know Noah, I’d decided despite his reputation, wealth, and fame, he was one of the most genuine men I’d ever met. He had more vulnerabilities than most would have realized, and I felt glad I had given him the opportunity to set the record straight as to who he was as a person.
Once the cabin staff’s duties had settled, and the aircraft fell quiet, I felt my eyes grow heavy due to a couple of sedative pills my doctor had prescribed. I adjusted the chair into a bed and within minutes of closing my eyes I fell into a dreamless deep sleep.
Amazingly enough I slept through most of the journey, but I woke up feeling disorientated and dehydrated less than two hours out from New York City.
