“Sorry, sorry!” she said again. I pushed her aside and walked upstairs to my bedroom. Regardless of her assurances, I wasn’t going to feel completely better until I actually held my baby. He was awake in his crib, cooing and staring at his fingers as I peered over the bars. “Hiya, little man!” I said, reaching down to pick him up.
“Ginny, wait a second,” Annie said, grabbing my arm. “I have to tell you something, and I’m not sure you should be holding Danny when I do it.”
I stared at her. “What’s going on, Ann?” I demanded.
She bit her lip. “Maybe you should sit down,” she said.
“Oh for God’s sake, Annie, just tell me what the hell is going on!”
“Josh came here.”
I froze. Josh? He was here? In the house with Danny? Feeling a panic I could not explain, I reached down and plucked him up from his crib, holding him close to me. “What did he want?” I whispered.
“I have no idea,” she replied. “I didn’t let him say much.” She looked slightly sheepish. “I swore quite a bit, to be honest. I told him he was an asshole—well, I called him worse than that, actually. Anyways, I told him to get the hell out of here and not to come back.”
“Did he see the baby?” I asked.
“No!” she said vehemently. “I never would have let him! I didn’t even give him the chance to ask, I had his ass off that porch so quick!”
“I was up here with Danny,” Jen assured me. “He never saw us.”
I felt a surge of affection for them. I should have known they’d protect Danny.
“Why was he here?” I asked. “What could he have wanted? You don’t think…” I looked at the girls in panic. “You don’t think he changed his mind, do you? You don’t think he would try to get Danny away from me?” The thought made my heart race all over again.
“Ginny,” Jen said firmly. “Don’t jump to conclusions. You have no idea what he wanted. Maybe he’s just feeling guilty. Maybe he just wanted to see him. Try not to worry.”
I hugged my baby tighter to me, breathing in the scent of his sweet little head, trying to calm myself down.
“Ginny, he asked me to tell you he’d stop by again,” Annie said. “I told him he better not, but…maybe you should be prepared to see him.”
“Did you tell him where I was?” I asked. “Do you think he’d come back tonight?”
“I doubt it,” Annie said sheepishly. “I told him you were at work…I kinda played you up a little bit, to be honest.”
“What do you mean?”
“She went on and on about how great you’re doing,” Jen said, rolling her eyes. “I could hear her from upstairs. Telling him you didn’t need him, that you had an awesome job running a bookstore, and how super busy and important you are these days.”
“You told Josh all that about me?” I asked Annie.
She shrugged. I could have kissed her.
Chapter Thirty-six
I tried to keep Josh out of my head that night, but it was next to impossible. I stayed busy, kept my thoughts occupied, but every so often I would feel a flash of panic. What if he wanted my baby? I painted elaborate what-if scenarios in my head, involving his parents conspiring with lawyers and police and other shadowy figures to somehow get to Danny. I knew it was ridiculous and unlikely, but I couldn’t shake the fear.
I slept badly. I dreamt of Mrs. Stanley, of waking up to find Danny’s crib empty. My clock said it was three a.m. when I finally got up and pulled him into bed with me. I put pillows around his tiny body to prevent any rolling, and then lay awake staring at him. I felt calmer with him near me, but sleep continued to elude me.
It was strange: a year or so ago I would have listed Josh as the most important thing in my life. In such a short amount of time, Danny had completely eclipsed him, eclipsed everything in my life. I never understood it when people talked about their kids being their whole life. I assumed they were exaggerating, or saying what they thought was the PC sentiment. I didn’t understand it.
I got it now. I didn’t know why Josh was in town, or what he wanted, but I knew I would do anything, absolutely anything, to keep Danny safe and with me.
* * *
Danny was an angel the next morning. He slept for four hours after his six a.m. feeding. By then I was so exhausted from my night of worry that I fell asleep instantly. I woke up to him gurgling in his crib, and felt more refreshed than was generally normal for me these days.
I was getting into a routine with my little man, carrying him around the house with me as I went about my day. After I ate some breakfast— one-handed at the kitchen counter so I could cradle him with my other arm—I strapped Danny into his bouncy seat and brought him into the bathroom with me so I could shower. While I shampooed my hair I could hear him cooing and gurgling. He had recently discovered his hands, and looking at them could provide hours of entertainment.
I threw on an old sundress and put my hair up in a messy ponytail (I never had time for my blow dryer these days) then brought Danny downstairs for his tummy time. Jen had been right: he did much better today. After doing some laundry, I took Danny outside to his stroller. I strapped him in and set off around the neighborhood. I was a beautiful day: sunny and warm but not overwhelming. We were fast approaching September and the autumn, which meant I would be going back to work soon. Every time I thought of it I got a knot in my stomach, so I avoided the subject as much as I could.
Danny fell asleep on our walk. When we got back to the house I lifted him as gently as possible and laid him in his crib—he didn’t stir one bit. I stared down at him as he slept and resisted the urge to brush his cheek. As he had gotten older his cheeks had filled out some, as had his chubby arms and legs. He was now squishy and soft and so perfect. I breathed in that baby smell one more time, then crept from the room.
Just as I eased the door shut behind me, the doorbell rang. I cursed and froze, listening hard through the door to hear if Danny had woken up. I couldn’t hear a sound, so I headed downstairs to see who was at the door.
I should have known. I mean, I had been worrying about it all night. But the morning had been a good one, and it had allowed me to fall into a false sense of security. What a mistake.
It was Josh.
* * *
I didn’t know what to say to him. When I looked at his face, all I could see was Danny. So many of their features were the same. Thinking of Danny, and of Josh not wanting him, filled me with rage. I had to work to keep my hands from trembling, to keep myself from lunging at him, striking him…
He just stood in the doorway, looking at me. Neither of us said a word. Finally, I moved aside and motioned for him to come in. As he crossed the threshold, I stepped as far away from him as I could in the small foyer. I didn’t want him to touch me, not even by accident.
He walked awkwardly into the living room and sat on the couch. I saw his eyes flicker across Danny’s bouncy seat, but he didn’t mention it. I stayed where I was, half in the foyer and half in the living room, staring at him. It was so surreal to see him here, after all this time.
He cleared his throat, his eyes on his feet. After what felt like a lifetime he looked up at me. “Hey, Gin.”
I still couldn’t find my voice so I merely nodded at him. He appeared to flinch slightly at my reaction, but he covered it quickly.
“I know this is awful,” he said. “Me coming here like this, barging in on you. I hope it’s not too much trouble.”
“It’s fine,” I said at last. “What, uh, what can I do for you?”
He smiled slightly. “It’s good to see you, Ginny. You look good.”
“Do I?” I asked in surprise. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. Would I look different to him? I felt like such a different person from the last time I had seen him.
“Yeah.” He was smiling for real now. “You look…happy.”
Hmm. “Well,” I said slowly. “I guess that’s because I am.”
“Annie said you had a new
job?” he asked politely. “You run a bookstore?”
“Yeah,” I replied, determined to give him as little detail about our lives as I could.
He looked awkward again. “You’re pretty pissed at me, aren’t you?” he asked.
I couldn’t believe he would even ask me such a thing. I wanted to scream at him, to throw him out of my house, to swear he would have nothing to do with me and Danny ever again.
I took a deep, steadying breath. “I’m fine,” I said shortly.
“Look, I’m sorry about everything,” he said, his voice dropping with intensity. “I swear to God, Ginny, I’m so sorry. I thought it would be better for you if I just disappeared, if you never had to think about me again.”
“You thought that would be better for us?” I asked coldly. “Great. So why’d you change your mind?”
“Because I miss you.”
I was still standing across the room from him, but instinctively I took a step back. He couldn’t be doing this. He couldn’t actually be here to tell me that he missed me. A million questions raced through my mind and I threw out the first one I could grasp.
“What about Amy?” My voice surprised me—it sounded like it was laced with acid.
“Amy?” he asked, confusion on his face. “What about her?”
I laughed and my laugh was bitter. I hated that he was bringing these things out of me, that he was polluting Danny’s house with this anger and poison. “I get it. You miss me, but not in a way that would upset her.”
“Ginny, what are you talking about?”
I paused. Josh was not one to play dumb. Was I missing something?
“Amy. Your fiancé.”
He stared at me, his mouth open with shock. “My what?”
I started to feel some emotion welling up inside me, but I couldn’t name it. Confusion? Fear?
“Amy, Josh.” I said each word distinctly so there would be no mistake. “Amy Harper from StateInk. Your fiancé.”
He was silent for several moments. I realized that my knees were shaking and thought absently that I should sit down.
“Where they hell did you get that from?” he finally said, his voice heavy with confusion.
I stared at him. Was this a joke?
“From your mother,” I said uncertainly. “When I saw her that day at the coffee house, she told me. She had a picture of the two of you. She said you were going to Seattle together and you were getting married—”
“Ginny,” he cut me off, standing up and taking a step towards me. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. You saw my mother?”
Wait. Wait a second. He had to know that I had seen his mother. He had to know because that’s how he knew about Danny. I felt the world start to spin.
“Josh?” I said, uncertainly, wanting to ask what was going on, wanting to make sense of this insanity.
“Listen,” he said clearly, taking another step towards me. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I swear to you, I didn’t go to Seattle with Amy, or anyone else. Ginny, I’m not engaged.”
I realized belatedly that I should have sat when I had the chance. Now it was too late, and the floor was rushing up to meet me.
Chapter Thirty-seven
“Ginny.”
I knew that voice.
“Ginny, wake up.”
I had a crazy idea that it was Danny, but that didn’t make sense. He was a baby. How would he have gotten down the stairs? And when would he have learned how to talk?
I opened my eyes and saw Josh looking down at me. For one second, as my eyes met his, I felt like it had all gone back to normal, the way it was supposed to be. I was in Josh’s arms and he was looking at me like he might just love me.
But that couldn’t be true either. I blinked again and tried to sit up.
“Be careful!” he urged, and I moved more cautiously.
“What happened?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.
“You fainted.” Josh looked very worried. “How do you feel? Can I get you some water?”
He was sitting far too close to me. I couldn’t deal with him sitting that close to me, looking at me with so much concern. I shook my head and moved quickly to the other end of the couch. “I’m okay.”
“Let me get you some water,” Josh insisted, standing up and heading into the kitchen. I didn’t like the idea of him in there, where I couldn’t see him, moving confidently around my house like he was comfortable here.
He was back quickly, holding out a glass of water to me. When I took it, he sat down, much closer to my end of the couch than I was comfortable with. I took a deep breath and drank the water, trying to clear my head.
What was going on here? What had he said that had made everything go all swirly and fuzzy like that?
Amy. Oh yeah. He had told me he wasn’t engaged to Amy.
But there was something else, too. Something else that mattered, that changed things…but I couldn’t think of it.
“Is that better?” he asked after a minute. “How do you feel?”
“I’m fine. I don’t know what happened there. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize!” He looked really shaken up though, like he too couldn’t figure out what was going on.
“Josh.” I paused, trying to figure out the right questions to ask. Everything felt so muddled. “What’s going on? Your mom told me—”
“I don’t understand,” he interrupted. “You saw my mom? When? Why?”
Was it possible he was joking? Or trying to pretend that he hadn’t acted so horribly, abandoning me and the baby the way he had?
I looked at him levelly. “Josh, I saw your mother because you refused to meet me. So she came instead. She gave me the letter—the letter you wrote me.”
He merely shook his head. “Ginny, I never wrote you a letter—well, that’s not really true. I wrote you one every other day, trying to explain. But I never sent you one, and I certainly never gave one to my mom for you.”
“But I read it,” I insisted. “It was your handwriting, Josh—” But that wasn’t quite true either. I saw the envelope, which did look like his handwriting. But I never actually read the letter, not personally. I had let Annie read it…
“Hang on,” I said, standing up. “Stay right there!” I ran up the stairs, trying to be quiet. The last thing in the world I needed right now was for Danny to wake up. I tiptoed into the bedroom, opened the bottom drawer of my desk, and crept back out again. I made it downstairs without hearing a noise from the baby, and I thanked the Lord for small favors.
I sat next to Josh on the couch and pulled the letter from the envelope. There were his words, those horrible words that had changed everything. But there was something wrong. It looked like his handwriting, almost exactly…but it wasn’t.
“What is that, Ginny?” he demanded, his voice shaking. Unable to answer, I handed it to him. Possibilities were washing over me and I didn’t know what to believe, couldn’t understand what had happened, what was happening.
“What the hell…” he muttered, reading through the letter. “My mother gave this to you? I didn’t write this!” He looked up at me, his eyes confused, anger and fear creeping into his voice.
“I never read it,” I whispered. “Annie read it to me. I just assumed it was you, because she said…”
But he wasn’t listening to me. He had returned to the letter and was rereading it slowly, his mouth forming the words as if trying to force them to make sense. “What is this part, about the money?” he asked, looking up. “Why would my parents give you money?”
I couldn’t speak. If he didn’t write this, if he didn’t know that I was meeting his mother…could that mean…could it be possible that he didn’t know? About any of it?
He was scared now, really scared. I could tell. He reached out and grabbed my arm, his grip tight, almost painful. “Ginny, you have to tell me what the hell is going on. Please.”
Then my luck ran out. Above us, Danny woke up, and our baby started to cry.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Josh froze, his fingers digging into my arm. Danny’s cries grew louder—he was not accustomed to waiting for me, the spoiled little angel. I closed my eyes. Oh my God.
“Ginny,” Josh’s voice was hoarse. “What...what is that?”
“You need to leave, Josh.”
“What? Are you kidding me? I’m not going anywhere!” He was shouting now, the noise and the crying of the baby surrounding me, invading my mind, making it impossible to think.
“Please, just go,” I begged, and tears were slipping from my eyes, blurring his face, making everything that much more confusing.
“Who’s crying?” he demanded. “What is that?”
I wrenched my arm away from him. I had to get to Danny. He needed me. Maybe everything would make sense once I was holding my baby. I stood shakily, walking toward the stairs. “Stay here,” I begged. “Please.”
It was no good: Josh was right behind me, following me into my room, where the baby’s cries were reaching the upper decibels. I tried to ignore Josh, tried to pretend this wasn’t happening, so that I could focus on Danny. I picked him up from his crib, holding him close to me, soothing him, but his cries did not abate.
“Oh my God.”
I tried to tune Josh out. Danny was crying, I was crying, and I just wanted to go back to this morning, before any of this had happened.
“Is that your baby?” Josh shouted behind me.
“It’s okay, Danny,” I whispered. “It’s okay, sweet boy, Mama’s here.”
“What the hell is going on?” It was Annie. Sometime in the middle of all of this she had arrived home and was now standing in my doorway, mouth open in surprise.
“That’s what I want to know!” Josh shouted. “Who is that?” He pointed his finger at me, but I knew he was really pointing at Danny, and something about it broke my heart.
“That’s your baby, you asshole,” Annie snarled. “Now get the hell out of our house.”
* * *
I don’t know what would have happened if Jen hadn’t come home then. She heard the shouting, came up to my room, and took in the scene before her. I couldn’t imagine what she was thinking, seeing the four of us like this—Josh, here in our house, Annie, ready to pounce on him, Danny screaming, and me holding the baby like my life depended on it while I sobbed.
Three Girls and a Baby Page 17
