by Teresa Roman
By three in the morning, I was still awake. I got up, went to the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet looking for the sleeping pills Katy had been giving me the past few nights. They were the only thing that seemed to help, and somehow they kept my strange dreams at bay.
By the time I woke up the next morning, it was ten o’clock. I made my way downstairs and found my aunt looking through some papers.
“I’m glad you got some sleep,” she said. “There’s some breakfast in the kitchen for you.”
“I’m not hungry,” I mumbled.
She gave me an exasperated look.
“What are those?” I asked as I sat beside her on the couch.
“Legal stuff,” she replied. “Your father’s will and some other paperwork he left behind.”
“Why are you looking at that now?”
My aunt sighed and moved the papers off her lap. “Unfortunately, there is a lot to think about after someone dies, and since you and I are pretty much Mark’s only relatives that leaves me with the responsibility.”
Technically, we weren’t my dad’s only relatives. His parents were still alive. They’d moved to Arizona just after my grandfather retired to escape the cold damp Northern California weather. They lived in an assisted living facility and were too frail to take long trips. Dad and I visited them once a year. My grandmother had hip problems and used a wheelchair, and over the past few years my grandfather had gotten to the point where he didn’t even remember who Dad and I were half the time.
“Is there something I can do?”
“No.” Katy shook her head. “Most of this legal mumbo jumbo is too hard for even me to figure out. You can take a look at this if you want though.”
Katy handed me a thick sheath of papers. Last Will and Testament, it read at the top of the page. I glanced over it, but my aunt was right. It was full of words I barely understood.
“Basically what it says is that your father left you this house. It’s completely paid for. He left you some money, too. It’s not enough to live off forever, but it’s a good amount, and it’ll help you pay your way through college whenever you decide to go.”
Suddenly, I felt weary. I wasn’t supposed to be thinking about things like this. I was supposed to be worrying about what to wear to stupid frat parties, but I’d put off going to college and stuck around Crescent City because I liked my job at the hotel. Now I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go to college anymore. It was too much to think about.
“Can we talk about this later?”
“Sure, of course,” Katy replied. She picked the papers back up and shuffled them nervously in her hands. “There’s no rush.”
I made my way into the kitchen and managed to eat a few bites of toast. The sun had come out and I suddenly longed to feel its warmth on my skin. I sat outside on my front stoop, still in my pajamas, and stared at the street, counting the cars that drove by. The mindlessness of it kept me from thinking for a bit, but eventually my brain slipped back into instant replay.
Less than a week ago, Devin and I had spent the morning at Ocean World—an aquarium, and one of Crescent City’s biggest tourist attractions. Devin picked me up at my house that morning. He came inside to talk to my dad first—neither of us noticed anything unusual. Ocean World was a pretty cool place, with a sea lion show and a shark-petting tank. I’d been there a hundred times before, especially when I was a kid, but it was Devin’s first visit. I pretended to be a tour guide, and Devin played right along, asking me the types of questions I imagined our hotel guests would.
A few hours later, Devin and I returned home with Mexican take-out. I looked for my dad downstairs in his office. When there was no sign of him there, I went to his bedroom. At first I thought he was asleep, until I noticed his pale skin and blue lips. I couldn’t find a pulse and must have screamed, because Devin came running. He took one look at my dad and knew what I was unwilling to accept. He pulled me into my arms and held me while I sobbed, his shirt soaking up my tears. If Devin hadn’t been there, I don’t know what I would’ve done.
Katy drove up from Eureka that same day. I was a mess by the time she arrived, insisting that it was my fault Dad had died—if only I hadn’t gone to Ocean World with Devin, then maybe he’d still be alive. Guilt ate at me even after the coroner told us my father had experienced a sudden cardiac event. I couldn’t have prevented it.
Even so, he had died alone—and maybe frightened. It had become one more thought that got added to the list of things I couldn’t wipe from my mind.
Chapter 3
The next few days passed in a blur. I went through the normal motions of life—sleeping, eating, watching television, even though normal was the last thing I felt. Somehow, a week went by since my father’s funeral.
One afternoon as I sat at the kitchen table, gazing into the backyard, my phone rang. The sandwich Katy had made earlier for me sat untouched on my plate. She stared at me like she did every time I ignored my phone. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation and didn’t even bother to check caller ID. This time Katy let out a loud sigh, snapping me out of my trance.
“That’s it,” she said, her voice unusually firm. “It’s time you and I had a talk. A real talk.”
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, trying to sound animated enough to convince her there was no need for a real talk.
“I think you should stay with me for a while,” she said bluntly.
I sighed and shook my head. “We’ve already discussed that.” I told Katy no a few days ago when she suggested I move to Eureka and live with her. I was eighteen, had been for a few weeks, so it was my decision to make. “I want to live here.”
“Look at me.”
I lifted my eyes and gazed at her, even though it hurt to do so. She looked so much like Dad that it made my heart ache. Same sandy brown hair, same hazel eyes. I didn’t look a thing like either of them, although Katy often said Dad and I had similar personalities.
“I’m worried about you being here by yourself. You’re not eating, and you’re barely sleeping. Who’s going to take care of you when I’m gone?”
“I can take care of myself.”
My aunt shook her head. “No, I don’t think you can.” Her sympathetic tone had vanished, and she sounded like she meant business. I braced myself for what was coming. “Losing Mark was bad enough, but seeing you like this is too much. I can’t stand it.”
“Dad died a few days ago. What is it you’re expecting, that I just act like nothing happened?”
“No, of course not . . .”
“I miss him, that’s all. I would expect you, of all people, to understand.”
“I do. But sitting around the house starving yourself isn’t going to bring him back.”
She reached for my hand.
I looked down and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. “I should’ve been with him.”
“Honey, you can’t change what happened. No one can. What you’re going through, losing your father, finding him like you did, that would be hard for anyone.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I stood up, walked over to the window and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “A part of me wishes I could forget, but then another part of me gets angry for feeling that way. I don’t want to forget the good parts, just . . .” I shook my head. “There’s just some things I wish I could get out of my mind.”
“What if I took you to grief counseling? Would you be willing to give that a try?”
“No way, I won’t go.”
Surely, Katy had to remember what a bad experience it had been for me when Dad brought me to the psychologist as a kid.
“Then at least talk to me,” she said. “Tell me what I can do to help.”
“There’s nothing you can do, Katy. I know you miss Dad, too, but it’s different for you.” A tear rolled down my face, and I swiped it away with the back of my hand. “He’s all I had.”
“I’ve tried to be here as much as I could.”
“I know, Katy. You’ve done so much for me, and I . . . I really do appreciate it.” My shoulders slumped in defeat. Maybe if I confessed to Katy that it wasn’t only Dad’s death that had me feeling so hopeless, she’d back off about me moving to Eureka or going to counseling. “It’s just that I haven’t been sleeping well. Even before Dad died. I was still getting those creepy dreams. Now they’re coming more often, and I’ve . . . been thinking about my mother.” There was no way I could tell Katy that I’d actually seen her.
“Given everything that’s happened, I think it’s perfectly natural that you’d be thinking about her. I just wish you would’ve told me sooner,” Katy said. “And as far as the dreams go, maybe they’ll get better if you talk to someone about them.”
“Oh, please, Aunt Katy. Not this again.”
“Then tell me what to do. Tell me how I can help you.”
“I don’t know how to do this.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to be alone.”
Katy stood and walked over to me. She laid a hand on my shoulder. “You’re not alone. You have me and you have your friends.”
The doorbell rang. Neither of us expected visitors.
Katy patted my shoulder and went to answer the door.
“Speak of the devil,” she said.
“The devil?” Devin stepped inside.
“Of course you’re not the devil,” my aunt said, sounding flustered. “It’s just an expression.”
“Glad to hear it,” he teased.
Their exchange brought a smile to my face. Devin had an uncanny ability to charm my aunt despite their twenty-year age difference. She wasn’t the only one, either. It was partly how handsome he was. His eyes were an impossibly striking color—not blue, not green, but a shade in between that reminded me of the ocean. They lit up whenever he smiled. Wavy mahogany hair complemented his slightly tan complexion. He stood a few inches taller than I did and had strong broad shoulders. But it wasn’t just the way he looked that made him so appealing. There was something else, something compelling I didn’t know how to put into words.
“I’ll leave the two of you alone,” Katy said before climbing the stairs.
Devin walked over and wrapped his arms around my waist. I leaned into him and the two of us stood there without talking for a few moments.
“Everyone’s missed you at work,” Devin finally said.
“By everyone do you mean you?”
“No. Rob and Angela have been asking about you, too. But you’re right, it’s different for me. You’re . . . my friend; I feel like I can’t doing anything right without you.”
It was hard to believe that could be true, although more and more I’d begun to feel the same way about him. At first I chalked it up to the fact that ever since I’d graduated a few weeks ago and increased my hours at the hotel we’d spent so much more time around each other. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t the reason. “Do I even still have my job?”
“Of course you do. Rob wouldn’t dream of firing you at a time like this. I’d break his legs if he did.”
I took a step back and Devin’s arms fell to his side. “Why are you always trying to be my hero?”
“Everybody needs a hero, Lilli. I want to be yours. You just have to let me.” He reached out to brush my hair over my shoulder.
I didn’t know what to make of his words. I wanted them to mean something—that he’d begun to feel about me the way I did for him. But it was probably wishful thinking. Knowing Devin, the reason for his extra kindness was because of what happened to my father.
“After all the things you’ve done for me, I think you hit hero status quite a while ago.” I kept my voice light, even though I meant every word. Not only did he get me a job—not an easy feat in Crescent City where unemployment was rampant—but he was the first person besides my aunt that I ever felt comfortable talking to about my mother. And if he hadn’t been with me when I found my dad, I don’t know how I ever would’ve gotten past the shock.
He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. “You’ve been crying.” His hand moved to my cheek. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say; of course you’ve been crying.”
Staring into Devin’s eyes, feeling his hand on my cheek, made me feel better and worse at the same time. He had no idea how impossibly hard it was to be around him when all I wanted was for him to kiss me, to tell me he needed me as badly as I did him. I lowered my gaze and he dropped his hand.
“When are you coming back to work?” he asked.
“Tomorrow, I think.” The words just came out. But after I said them I knew it was the right answer. I’d already taken almost two weeks off, any longer and I might not have a job to come back to. Somehow, Katy’s talk had managed to convince me that I couldn’t sit around the house in my pajamas forever.
“Thank goodness.” Devin smiled, bringing out the sparkle in his eyes that made me tremble inside. “You have no idea how tired I’m getting of Angela and her half hour smoke breaks. It’s bad enough she leaves me alone at the front desk, then she comes back smelling like an ashtray.” He paused when he reached his objective—a smile on my face. “Can you do me a favor?”
“That depends.”
“Can you try and get some sleep?”
A good night’s sleep wasn’t something I could promise anyone. I hadn’t told Devin about my dreams and my visions. I’d been tempted to a few times, just to get it off my chest, but then I worried that he’d think of me as crazy. I doubted he’d be interested in me then.
“I’ll do my best.”
“Okay, well, I guess that’s all I can ask for.” He gave me another hug. “I should get going. I just wanted to come by and make sure you were okay, since you apparently forgot how to answer a phone.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that . . .”
“It’s okay, I understand.” Devin kissed me on the cheek. “Just take care of yourself, Lilli,” he said before turning to leave.
Chapter 4
That night, while I lay in bed, I thought about what Katy had said. Life went on. Dad wouldn’t want me to spend it the way I had been since he died. I still couldn’t erase the image of my mother crying at Dad’s funeral, but I’d done a good job of explaining it to myself in a way that made sense. We were at a cemetery. If I were to see a ghost anywhere, that would be the place. I still had no explanation for my crazy dreams, but I’d been having them for so long that I doubted I would ever have an answer. If only I could figure out a way to get used to them.
Over breakfast the next morning, Katy tried to convince me again to move in with her.
“I don’t like you staying here alone,” she said after I gave her my answer, “but you’re eighteen, so I guess there’s nothing I can do.”
“I’ll be fine.”
She sighed, and thankfully dropped the subject. “I’ll come back and visit as soon as I can.”
As I watched her drive off, I pushed back against the sadness that washed over me. With Katy gone, I’d be coming home to an empty house. The thought of it upset me so much that I almost changed my mind about going to work, but staying home all day seemed like a worse option.
The sun broke through the clouds early that morning and lifted my mood as I drove to work. Summer brought a lot of tourists to Crescent City. People liked to vacation here where the air was almost always twenty degrees cooler than everywhere else.
The Tides Inn was a small hotel, not what anyone would consider fancy. Crescent City didn’t really do fancy, but it was along the coast and some rooms even had oceanfront views. Crescent City was known for its beautiful shoreline and amazing redwood forests. People came for kayaking and fishing and miles of hiking trails, but aside from that, there wasn’t much to the actual town. Downtown was tiny, just a few shops and restaurants, and looked pretty run-down, earning the nickname “Cretin City” from a few unhappy locals.
Devin was already behind the front desk when I showed up. He was talking to Rob, our manager. They both turned their
heads in my direction as I walked through the door.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Rob said, as I ducked under the desk partition to join them.
“Thanks.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.”
“I should get going. I’ve got a stack of paperwork in my office that I need to tackle.” Rob left through the back exit.
“For a while there, I thought you weren’t going to come,” Devin said.
“Why?” I glanced at the clock. It was five minutes before nine. “I’m not late.”
“You’re usually here a lot earlier. I was starting to worry that you changed your mind about being ready to come back to work.”
“Katy left this morning,” I explained.
A look of shock spread across Devin’s face. “She left you alone?”
“She has a job, a life, she can’t exactly stay here forever.”
“Yes, but you’re . . .”
I put my hands on my hips, bracing myself for what Devin was about to say. He never finished his sentence.
“I’m what? Only eighteen—is that what you were going to say?”
“No, but that is a good point.”
“You live on your own.”
“That’s different.”
“Really? How?”
