She got up and placed the photo box on a high shelf, pushing it to the back. “Mom would say that I don’t need Hayden. That I can make it on my own. And I could, but why would I want to if I had a choice? I mean, she may have needed to prove something, but I don’t. And I don’t really want to be without him.”
Bebe said, “Sometimes people fight against the very thing they want or need the most. I think your mom really wanted to be loved and have security and share her life with someone. That’s why she kept you. That’s why she had a relationship with William. She just couldn’t risk making herself vulnerable.”
“Poor William. I hope he’s happy now. He was gone more and more often the worse she got. I wasn’t sure if he just couldn’t stand being there anymore, or if he was stepping back and arranging for us to have some time for closure.”
“Maybe a little of both?”
“Maybe.”
“So did it help?” Bebe asked.
Rain studied the two photos she’d kept out without looking up. “Yes and no. I felt like I did everything I could to make her comfortable. I even apologized for blowing up at her, but she said it was probably all true and that was the end of it. I don’t think I ever really made her happy.”
“I know it seemed that way, but she was very proud of you.”
Rain shrugged a shoulder noncommittally. “Did I tell you I’m signing over the house to William?”
Bebe smiled. “That’s a wonderful thing to do, Rain.”
“It’s not my house, it belongs to him. Mom even said it was all right with her if I did.” She considered, thoughtfully. “I never expected to hear her say that.”
This was good news to Bebe. It was further proof that Jude’s heart had softened. “Have you told Hayden about the cremation?”
Her countenance darkened. “There will be an announcement in the paper. If he wants to come, he can.”
Bebe almost objected, but kept her thoughts to herself. She decided to see what Neil could do about getting him there.
Bebe and Neil picked up Rain on the morning they were to scatter Jude’s ashes. She looked somber, yet serenely beautiful holding Jude’s ashes in her lap.
Bebe hoped that what she’d possibly set in motion wouldn’t add to her discomfort or complicate the day further for her.
They drove to San Francisco, going out of the way to pick up Toni first because she hated driving in the city. She was dressed in a chic navy pantsuit with appropriate flats, and mentioned that she hoped Jude appreciated the sacrifice she was making since she’d used her last motion sickness patch on their Mediterranean cruise and was sure she would embarrass herself before the day was out if the bay was the least bit choppy.
They pulled into the parking lot of the charter company and spotted Mare’s Prius. They pulled into a space beside her and got out. The others kept a lookout for William, but Bebe watched for a silver Expedition. Unfortunately, silver cars were everywhere. The day was sunny, but the wind whipped sharply, and she pulled her coat collar tight against her neck.
They walked together toward the dock and Rain checked in at the office. She said they told her everything was ready, and to let them know when her entire party had arrived. When William joined them, Rain hugged him and threaded her arm through his.
Bebe scanned the parking lot, hoping for just a few more minutes. The captain came out and asked if everyone was accounted for. Rain said they were, and Bebe frowned at Neil, who discreetly lifted his shoulders. Once more, she searched for a silver Expedition.
“Wait,” Bebe said to them. “Just one more moment, please.”
“Why? We’re all here,” Rain asked.
Then Bebe saw Rain look past her, and her countenance changed. Bebe turned to see a figure in a dark sports coat hurrying toward them. As he neared, he slowed as though he wasn’t sure if his presence was expected. Rain handed Jude’s ashes to William and walked out to meet him. They stood face-to-face, talking quietly, and then both walked back to the group. Bebe told the captain that they were all ready, and they boarded the boat.
The bay was choppy and ten minutes into the trip, Toni was positively green. She said it was Jude’s revenge. They each said a few words in Jude’s memory, and even Toni found something nice to say, although she had to swallow several times midspeech and clutched the rail tightly.
Bebe was so grateful that Neil was there, because the uncertainty of her last conversation with Jude left her feeling hopeful and remorseful at the same time. She wondered if people were ever truly at peace when they stood by the grave of a loved one. Was there something left unsaid? Was there more for which there were no words?
By the time the memorial was over, and Rain had released her mother’s ashes beneath the Golden Gate Bridge, Bebe felt as bad as Toni looked. They returned to the dock and carefully disembarked.
Rain came over and hugged Bebe and Neil. “Thanks for being here with me today. I love you both.” Bebe saw Neil wipe the corner of his eye.
“Hayden offered to give me a ride back, if you don’t mind. We might stop for dinner.”
Bebe tried to hide her satisfaction. “Sure, honey. We won’t be stopping to eat, anyway.” Toni looked up briefly from her seat on the curb. Her eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses and her expression sagged in her pale face.
Everyone hugged, said good-bye, and went their separate ways.
Later that evening, Bebe left a message on William’s answering machine to let him know they were thinking about him. She then checked on Toni to remind her that they were getting together on the following Saturday to work on the endowment fund. Lawrence answered and said that Toni wasn’t yet among the living, and he’d pass the message along. Then he apologized that his comment had been in poor taste, but Bebe said she had spent the afternoon with Toni and that the description fit.
She called Mare next, who commented on what a beautiful day it had been and how Jude would have liked it. Bebe shared about her last conversation with Jude. She felt that Mare would understand the hope that she felt upon discovering Jude had read the devotional pamphlet, and how inadequate she had felt in the brief time she had at Jude’s bedside.
“Bebe, Jude probably felt free to read it because she didn’t really know the hospice nurse who gave it to her. Sometimes people will be open to a stranger before they’ll listen to family,” Mare pointed out. “Jude would never have admitted it to us if it had made a difference to her.”
“I think, in her own way, she was trying to. She had voiced her doubts about God to me when we were at the aquarium, but she knew how to push my buttons and I let her get to me.”
“I think Jude was open to the message in the pamphlet only because you sowed seeds all those years.”
The Scripture verse about one man sowing and another watering came to mind, and Bebe felt comforted. “We can only hope.” Bebe called Rain’s house next to invite her to be a part of their project, but the phone rang until the answering machine picked up, and she smiled to herself and hung up without leaving a message.
Rain felt both awkward and familiar in the passenger seat of the Expedition with Hayden at the wheel. Neither of them spoke as Hayden wound his way confidently through Bay Area traffic while they listened to smooth jazz on the radio. Rain discreetly surveyed the car’s interior for signs of female occupants such as long blonde hairs, and noticed only a bit of candy wrapper in the door pocket. She resisted the urge to pluck it out and examine it for clues.
Hayden finally broke the silence. “I thought we’d head down to Half Moon Bay, if that’s okay.”
Rain’s initial response was to ask why, but she caught herself. Did it really matter why? Instead, she answered, “Sure. That would be nice.”
He glanced over at her and smiled. She smiled back, glad that she had fought the habit to challenge his plans and get started off on the wrong foot.
He listened as she reminisced about her mom, and how she felt for William. At times, the reality of the day came back sharply and her
tears flowed. They spent a quiet afternoon wandering through shops and boutiques. She told him about the Celebration weekend fiasco and the fact that Jude seemed to be softening a bit toward the end of her life. He was curiously interested in the pamphlet that she’d caught Jude reading.
She noticed that he checked his watch several times, and she felt the day was slipping away from them. Was he bored or in a hurry to go back? Now that they were getting along so well, she didn’t want it to end.
She glanced at their reflections in the shop window as they passed. He looked so handsome in his sports coat with his necktie casually loosened at his throat. It had been so long since they had spent more than an hour together, and Rain didn’t want to be reminded of that evening that had ended so badly. She hoped this one wouldn’t end in a smiliar way.
The evening fell quickly and the streetlights glowed into fullness. He checked his watch once more and finally said, “I hope you don’t mind. I took the liberty of making a dinner reservation at a restaurant just down the way. Just in the event . . . just in case.”
She put her hand on his arm. “It’s fine. I’d love to.”
They went back to the car and drove down the coast a half mile to the restaurant. Although it was dark, they could hear the waves crashing on the beach and see the ghostly white foam in the distance illuminated by the gas lamps on the patio and the bright moonlight.
They were seated at a table by the large windows with a small candle throwing intimate light into the space between them. After they perused the menu and the waiter took their orders, their conversation faltered. Rain sensed he had something on his mind, and her apprehension rose. She wondered why he had brought her there. Perhaps he had news of his own and wanted to sell the house, or buy her out. It was just like him to be kind enough to spend the day with her after her mother’s funeral, and maybe he was having trouble finding the words to tell her he’d found someone else. She tried not to think of the beautifully tanned blonde from his Mexico pictures.
Twice over dinner, she looked up to find him watching her, and she would have been flattered except for the shadow of foreboding she felt.
After the waiter had cleared their plates they ordered coffee. Hayden scooted his chair closer to the table and smoothed his tie down. He cleared his throat and glanced at the people at the next table.
“Rain,” he began, but the waiter appeared with two steaming cups, sugar and cream, and Hayden paused until he left again.
He continued. “There’s something I want to talk to you about. A lot has happened since last July.”
Rain’s mouth went dry, and she spilled some sugar from the packet onto the tablecloth when she added it to her coffee.
“After I moved out, my brother let me stay with him until I could get a place of my own.”
“Drake? But doesn’t he live in Davis?”
“Yes. The morning commute was horrendous. Just the Yolo Causeway—” He raised his hand. “Never mind. The point is that I moved in with Drake and I went to church with him a few times. And after everything that had happened between you and me”—he flickered his eyes up at her—“I felt like I needed to get away. So I joined a work party to build a church in a little village in Mexico.”
She waited, expecting the worst.
He flexed his hands and the look on his face was almost boyish. “I never knew it was such an incredible feeling to physically raise a building. And all the kids from the village came around every day trying to communicate with us. We took supplies to give out. It was a great experience. I posted some of my pictures on Facebook.”
“I saw them.”
Hayden looked surprised, but paused as the waiter appeared with her leftover salmon wrapped in foil in the shape of a swan, and left it, along with the bill.
“You sent me an e-mail with your new address,” she explained. “Just before Christmas. You mentioned the pictures, so I took a look.”
He nodded. “Oh, right. So, I’ve gotten to know some of the people at his church really well, and I’ve been going there ever since.”
She waited, and when he didn’t continue, she said, “That’s nice,” not sure where he was going with it.
He drew on the tablecloth with his fingernail, and then he studied her as he spoke. “And I started reading the Bible. I even joined a Bible study.”
She blinked and dipped her head questioningly. “Are you saying you’re religious now?”
“No, not religious.” He glanced out the dark window where the ocean pounded the sand just yards away, appearing to search for words, and looked back at her. “It’s more than that, Rain. I can’t really explain it yet. I just know how I feel when I’m there and when I hear people talk about their experiences. How they feel a connection with God.” He looked at her with intensity, and the expression on his face moved her. “I want that, too.”
She didn’t know what to say, what he was asking of her.
“And the other thing is that I don’t like being apart from you, Rain. I miss you, and I was hoping we might give it another try.”
Rain felt exhilaration rise within her, even though she was unsure how she felt about his new interest in church. “I’ve missed you, too,” she said, and the thought of having him back in her life was sweet relief.
“Walking out like I did—that was no way to handle our differences,” he said.
“You were right to leave, Hayden. You tried to tell me, so many times, but I just didn’t listen.” She felt tears prick her eyes. “I don’t want to be like Mom.”
He reached across the table and took her hand in both of his. “But there’s only one thing.”
She sniffed and looked up at him. “What’s that?”
“We can’t live together anymore. I won’t move back in unless we’re married.”
Rain felt stunned. “But why not?”
He shook his head. “It’s not right, Rain. I already talked it over with the pastor. If we’re serious enough to live together, we’re serious enough to commit to each other and do it right this time.”
This was so totally unexpected, yet she sensed their relationship hanging in the balance, and resisted the urge to pull her hand from his grasp. She studied the dark hairs on his wrist and the small white scars from the scrapes he’d gotten on the back of his hand while building the church. She pushed aside her mother’s voice in her head telling her that marriage was a trap and remembered what Bebe had said about trusting God for the answers. She and Neil had been happily married for many years, and Bebe didn’t appear to be trapped in any way. On the contrary, it was her mother who had been bound by fear and Bebe who had enjoyed a fulfilled life.
Rain had released her mother that day, and she knew it was time to release some of the baggage that she had lived with for so many years.
Hayden gently caressed the back of her hand with his thumb. “After all, a baby should have a father.” His eyes glistened. “What do you think?”
Rain knew their chances were slim for having a baby, but not impossible. And even if they didn’t have a child, they could be happy.
“I think you’ll make a wonderful father,” she answered, smiling through her tears. “But it would be okay if it turned out to be just the two of us, wouldn’t it?”
He brought her hand to his lips and planted a kiss squarely in the center of her palm.
Bebe greeted Mare and Toni as she sat down at the small table across from them and plugged in her laptop. Toni jumped up when she heard the barista call, “I have a grande berry chai infusion for Toni.”
She retrieved her drink from the counter. “Thank you, Mitchell,” she said sweetly.
Mare glanced at her and said under her breath, “She never stops.”
“Sit down, Toni, and quit flirting with the employees.” Bebe pulled up an Internet site that Lawrence had suggested they check out as an example for their endowment fund.
Toni handed Bebe the paperwork she’d brought. “Here, Lawrence sent this 501(c)(3) information.”
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“Good. Rain said she would take care of this to make sure we were legal,” Bebe said. “In the meantime, we can work on a website.”
“I know a reasonable web design company. They did mine for about twelve hundred dollars,” Mare offered.
“That’s more than we’ve got,” Bebe said. “I played around with a free website last night, just to see what I could do. We may have to create our own until we get some money coming in.”
Toni said, “Oh, don’t worry. Lawrence has decided to donate a little seed money to help us get started.”
“That’s great, Toni,” Mare said. “Make sure you thank him for us.”
She smiled devilishly. “Oh, I already have.”
Mare waved to Rain, who was coming in the door. “Rain, over here.”
She smiled at them and gave a little wave as she put in her order at the counter.
“My, doesn’t our girl look happy these days,” Toni observed.
Bebe said, confidentially, “Yes, very.”
Toni cocked her head as though listening to music. “Do I hear wedding bells?”
Bebe lifted her eyebrows and raised her finger to her lips for secrecy.
Rain joined them with her drink and waited expectantly by the empty chair.
“Sit down, sweet—” Toni’s eyes grew large, and she jumped to her feet and grabbed Rain. By that time, Mare had also noticed the diamond on Rain’s left hand and jumped up to hug her. After the commotion died down, Rain pulled out the chair beside Bebe and kissed her on the cheek as she sat down.
“So I assume you already knew,” Toni said, chastising Bebe playfully.
“Of course, I did. She and Hayden came straight from the jewelry store and we celebrated last night.”
“No fair, holding out on us like that,” Mare said.
“So when’s the wedding? I have to go shopping,” Toni said.
Mare began, “I just got in a shipment of—oh, never mind.”
Raising Rain Page 31
