Remembering those few weeks, it was the best time I’d ever had with anyone. Usually, my time spent with other women was in full scale dom-mode. Sex and domination had to be part of the equation because that was just how I passed the time; but, with Sullivan, I could just…be. I’d never had that before. It was so easy to have with her.
There was no pretense. No reason to play. No need to dominate. Everything was just easy, comfortable…right, and I let that go because…why again? I don’t even know.
Was I scared? In the back of my mind, did I think I didn’t deserve what she had to offer? What did she have to offer? Was I scared of her…of how I felt when I was with her? There must be a more logical reason other than her withholding my father’s infidelity from me. Frankly, the more I think about it, the sillier my actions seem.
Make it right.
Vivian’s words hit me hard. I have to do it. Come hell or high water, I just have to make things right again. I want…no, need Sullivan back.
When I jumped into the Bentley after eating dinner earlier, it was only to clear my head and come up with a plan of how to win Sullivan back. Now here I am, lurking across the street from her apartment building.
“What are you doing here, Ben?” I ask myself, but I know exactly why I’m here. I just need a glimpse, just one glimpse of my beautiful girl.
Would she even want to see me? Has she moved on? What would I do if I saw her walking out of her building only to walk into the arms of that Brandon Mayhew?
Clutching the wheel even tighter, I grind my teeth and curse the thought. It’s unsettling. A selfish part of me wants it to be untrue; wants her to be crying her eyes out in her room because she misses me so much. Nice one, douchebag.
Shaking my head, I chuckle at how cowardly I’m being. The solution to my problems is right across the street, on the eleventh floor, in apartment number 11c. All I need to do is get my dumb ass out the car, walk up to the front desk, beg Susie – or whoever will be there tonight – to let me see her, then, bang on her door and beg for forgiveness.
But fear paralyzes me.
What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she’s moved on? What if I’d hurt her so much by walking away that she’s totally closed her heart away from me, lost all faith in what we have…in me? The other two I could deal with. I could win her back from any man, of that I’m sure of. If she didn’t want to see me, all it would take is a little persistence; but if she’d lost all faith in me, in what we had, that would tear me apart. That would be hard to break through.
I start my car as the “what-ifs” continue to plague my mind. Call me chicken shit, but I drive away, too afraid of the unknown, and frankly, too scared to face her knowing that I hurt her by walking away.
I don’t know where Thursday went. The meeting with Fields and Jamison went on for hours. We tied up as much as we could for the Needham acquisition pitch for the following Thursday and started the plans for the Langley Liqueurs deal, then, we worked through lunch until way into the evening, planning for the investor weekend. That meeting consisted of Fields and me, the PR exec, HR manager, Marketing Manager, the Vegas rep and the Chief Investment Officer. We thoroughly discussed all the plans we had for the investors – who would do what pitch and who would take on which investor.
The weekend was shaping up to be a grand experience, and for all we had planned, it would be unlikely for any investor to hesitate to invest in us.
“I can’t wait for this weekend,” Casey, the PR exec enthuses as we pack up the documents that were left behind.
Artie and the others had left and I felt like hanging back. Distracted, I guess.
“Yes. It sounds like it’ll be extremely entertaining,” I say accordantly.
“Um, don’t think me rude,” she voices, wincing when I look up at her with a slight scowl on my face.
“Out with it, Lorimar,” I huff. Small talk is not at the top of my agenda right now. I just want to get the hell out of here.
“I’m sorry, forget it. It’s none of my business anyway,” she retreats, packing the papers up even quicker and dashing for the door.
I stop her before she can go through the glass doors, feeling like a first-class prick.
“Please, Casey. I’m sorry.”
She turns and looks at me sheepishly.
“I’ve been a little grumpy recently,” I explain.
Casey takes a deep breath then says, “You’ve changed.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s not bad. You’ve gotten…nicer. But, this week you seem a little off-kilter. Distracted maybe,” she speaks, her voice soft.
Running a hand through my hair, I wonder if I’ve been this transparent all along.
“Are you okay?” she asks, good-naturedly.
Sighing, I say, “No,” and it is as honest as I’ve been being with myself recently. I never let anyone in, especially those I work with, but this time, I can’t help it.
“Is it that vivacious girl that had you running her down all over here last week?”
I snort and my mouth curves into a genuine smile, remembering that day fondly. “Yeah. We broke up. I broke up with her,” I correct myself.
“If your life is better without her then you’ve made a good decision,” she advises. “But from what I’ve observed, I’d say it’s quite the opposite. Make it right, Hayes.”
Make it right. There are those words of wisdom again.
“I don’t think she wants to see me again,” I sigh as I follow her out of the conference room.
“Has that ever stopped you from getting what you want? I don’t see you as the type to take no for an answer,” she points out.
I look at Casey with even more respect than I used to. “Thank you, Casey.”
“For what?” She looks at me incredulously.
“For caring, for the good advice,” I tell her.
“You may be an ogre to half the staff here, but underneath all that pretense and arrogance is an intense man who has a heart,” she mutters with a smile.
Snorting, I shake my head. I have no heart. If I did, I wouldn’t have walked away from Sullivan.
“Yes, Hayes, a heart. You have it, and whoever she is, she brought it out of you. You get one chance in life to be truly happy with someone and from what I can see, that’s what she does for you. Seize your chance before it’s too late.”
Casey jabs the button for the elevator and when it opens I don’t join her. I’m thrown for a loop. I’ve been getting the wisest advice since yesterday and no matter how hard I try to hide that our breakup has no effect on me, I’m like an open book. Everyone sees that I’m wide open and that my heart is bleeding. Is Sullivan my one chance at happiness?
As the elevator doors slide to a close, my cell phone rings. I struggle to pull it from my pocket, hoping with everything in me that it’s Sullivan.
“Sullivan,” I answer without looking at the caller I.D.
My heart rate is spiked with jittery anticipation and I clutch the phone to my ear like a life line. On the other end of the phone is literally my life, my one chance at happiness. Why won’t she say something?
“Uh, dude,” I hear Matt say, and I want to throw the phone into the wall and watch it smash into pieces.
“What is it, Matt?” I grit out.
“Dude, you miss her.”
“Thanks, master of the fucking obvious,” I remark snidely.
“Why not go to her?” he expresses.
“Because I’m a fucking coward, that’s why,” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.
This is so frustrating! Here I am, needing this girl with every cell in my body, but I’m too scared to make a move. I’m not dominant at all. I’m a pussy. I swear to all the Greek Gods out there, I am the biggest wuss there is. This girl has come into my life and disrupted every ounce of normality and control that I have, and I love it. I love her, for fuck’s sake.
What?
I shake the notion off vehemently. No. I can’t possibly l
ove her. Can I?
“Ben, the longer you stay away, the easier it will be to just stay away,” Matt says wisely, breaking into my thoughts.
I make a low sound that’s a mix between a groan and a growl. I’m getting too many words of wisdom not to take at least one of them seriously.
“I can’t stay away,” I say simply, resolved to close this distance between us and right my wrong.
“That-a boy,” Matt murmurs, “so, you going to this shareholders’ meeting at Dad’s real estate firm tomorrow?” he asks.
“Fuck no,” I answer hotly. “That bastard only needs to make sure he keeps making me money.”
When Matt and I started working, Roman made both Matt and I major shareholders in his real estate firm, Titan Real Estate. Mom is also a major shareholder. He claimed it’s a major investment for both of us and would act as our inheritance when he dies.
“No way are you going to just reap the benefits of my empire without actually earning it,” he’d said after sitting us down in his home office.
We both bought into the company with a million dollars each and we’ve been making nothing short of a shit-load of money because of it.
“Yeah, I’m not going either. I can’t stand to see him right now. Not after what he did to mom.”
Matt and I go on talking for a few more minutes about how stupid Roman is and how much we hope that mom gets a divorce over and done with. He didn’t deserve her if he was willing to cheat on her.
After ringing off with Matt, I start to think the same thing about myself. Am I deserving of Sullivan after leaving her like that? Hurting her? Worse, am I deserving of her if the first thing I do when we split, is jump into bed with Molly?
I’m putting myself through the ringer with all these doubts. I just need to see her. Once I do, everything will be fine. It just has to be. I’m dying without her. Every day without Sullivan is like a day without hope. No hope for a brighter tomorrow. No hope for true happiness. Without Sullivan, nothing makes sense in my world and I’m losing what bit of sanity I have. I need her. I need my sweet girl.
I find myself parked across the street from Sullivan’s apartment building once again. I’ve been here for almost half an hour and I’m still contemplating about going in. My heart is in my throat and on more than one occasion it constricts and I have to force myself to breathe.
Where’s that steely resolve I possess and use so regularly at work and during sex? Sullivan has knocked me on my ass once again, making me question every bit of who I am.
“Get it together, Hayes,” I tell myself. “You just need to walk in there. Demand for her to take you back. Don’t take no…” I trail off as I see Rachel walking toward the apartment and hurriedly try to get out of the car so I can catch her.
“Rachel!” I call out from across the street.
She looks in my direction and immediately, the smile she sported just a few seconds ago fades into a fuck-you grimace. This can’t be good.
Chapter Four
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Rachel seethes when I near her.
“Rachel, I need to see her,” I plead.
“Fuck you,” she spits.
“Please, Rachel.”
“Ben, you broke her heart. She’s been crying ever since you left her.” My heart sinks at Rachel’s words. What have I done?
“She’s like a fucking baby up there. I feed her, bathe her, comb her hair and rock her to sleep,” she continues. “You’ve not only broken her heart, you’ve broken her. Do you know where the fuck she’s coming from? Huh?” She pokes me hard in the chest. “No one wants to see her back there.”
Rachel’s words swirl in a cloud around my ears. Everything she says tears me apart. I know I hurt Sullivan, but hearing just how much is killing me. I want to barge up to her room, let her cry in my arms and kiss her tears away.
“Are you listening to me?” Rachel pulls me back to the here and now with a slap on the arm.
“Please, let me see her,” I plead once more.
“No!” she shouts. “Have you been hearing a word I’ve been saying? You’ve made her cry more than any guy ever has. You’re fucking toxic. Now, excuse me.” Rachel shoves past me and starts fishing into her bag, I’m guessing for her keys.
“Please, Rachel,” I beg.
Somehow I shove her into the wall, even though that was not my intention; but it was shit or bust time and I have to see Sullivan. I have to get her back. If I have to scare Rachel into granting me that wish, then I’d have to apologize as soon as things are worked out between Sullivan and me.
“Can’t you see that this is eating me up?” I try to reason, staring at her intently.
In an instant, desperation settles over me, knocking me off balance. I bow my head, closing my eyes, and allow the darkness to take over, the darkness I have been trying to keep at bay. I am in an abyss without Sullivan. I’ve never felt so lost in my life. I need to make things right between us and fast. I have to get her back. I need to go make things right again, as of right now, and the only person who can help me get her back is Rachel; but right now there is only silence between her and I.
Trembling, I wrench away from her trying to pull myself together. A twanging pain tugs at my chest and suddenly I find it hard to breathe. Slamming my back against the wall, I bend forward trying to catch my breath, heaving like I’ve just run a marathon.
“I–I made a mistake,” I admit. “Damn it, Rachel. I screwed up.”
This time, my breath is wispy and more and more I think I’m going to pass out. Now I know how Sullivan feels when she has her panic attacks. It’s debilitating. I need her so much and the longer I go without seeing her, the more I feel a door closing in on my soul, on my existence. I am a husk of a man without her.
Damn it! Where have these tears come from?
“Are you okay, sir?” the doorman asks, resting a concerned hand on my back.
I hate the fact that I’m reacting the way that I am. No one has ever gotten to me the way Sullivan has. I’ve never had such intense feelings for a woman before. It’s alarming, disconcerting, but I just can’t help myself. Life without Sullivan is a perpetual darkness of the soul. Utter despair.
“I’ve got him, Mr. Gabriel,” Rachel assures him.
“Are you sure, Miss Welles?” he re-joins.
“Yeah, just give us a few minutes.”
In the few minutes that we stand there silent, I manage to catch my breath and have stopped the water works gathering in my eyes. Matt would have made a meal out of seeing me acting like a highly-strung female. Right now, I don’t even care how I’d look to him or even how I’d look to the paparazzi. I just want to get my Sully back. She’s my safe place, my happiness.
“Fine,” Rachel resigns with a sigh.
“What?” I flip up quickly to face her, hoping she isn’t messing with me.
“You can see her…” she says, hedging.
I cut of whatever else Rachel was going to say and crush her to me. The relief I feel is like a ten ton weight off my shoulders. Pull it together, Hayes.
“But not tonight,” she finishes, dashing my hopes.
“What? Why not?” I put her at arm’s length to stare at her. Is she kidding me right now?
“Our apartment is her turf. If she sees you, she’ll shut down. I know her. She’s stubborn and as much as she’s literally dying without you, she won’t admit it and she’ll probably tell you to get the fuck out and that she never wants to see you again,” Rachel clarifies.
“So, what’s the solution?”
“Meet us for lunch tomorrow. I won’t tell her you’re coming because if she knows, she won’t come. You just show up. It’s a public place, she won’t cause a scene. That way, she’ll listen to you,” she surmises.
“Are you sure it’ll work?”
“Just let out those tears you were holding back earlier. It’ll be sure to break her down,” she teases.
“Yeah, bust my balls when I’m down, why don’t you
.” I manage to chuckle, rubbing my forehead.
“Get some sleep,” advises Rachel. “And let me just say, you really fucked up.” As if I needed a reminder. “Sully doesn’t forgive easily, but there’s something about you. She really likes you.”
I really needed to hear that. It gives me hope.
“Based on that fact,” she continues, “the odds are in your favor. If you really do like her – which I suspect you really do – that’s all you need in order to make her understand.”
Rachel heads for the door the doorman is holding open for her, but stops and faces me once more. “For the record, I think you’re great for her as she is for you. Make her see that. No, make her believe that.”
My lips curve into a hopeful smile and just like that, my mood lifts. I am on my way to getting my girl back. Just the thought of being able to wrap her in my arms again fills me with the utmost joy and anticipation. Tomorrow can’t come soon enough.
Meetings…oh, how I hate them; especially when they come at a time like this with anticipation eating away at my brain cells like termites.
I am seeing my Sullivan today. I can already feel her in my arms. If I have to, I am going to beg and grovel…all the things I wanted her to do when I thought that she was in the wrong; when I was too proud to admit that I missed her like the deserts miss the rain.
Did I really just quote that Everything But The Girl song? I shake my head and chuckle to myself. I am hopelessly in lo…
My cell phone rings, snapping me out of that particular thought and I take it up, noticing an unknown number. I answer it, only to have the call disconnected. Thinking it may be a misdialed number, I hang up and throw myself into work.
An hour later, my phone rings again, the same number flashing across the screen. I swipe the face of the phone to answer the call but am met with silence. No time for games, I hang up and decide to block the number.
Broken Love Page 5
