by Lynn, Davida
“Hello?” she answered.
“Esther, I did it.” I didn’t sound all that excited. Not because I wasn't, but because I’d known I would pass long before I took the exams.
“I was going to book a flight to kick your butt if you didn't! Congrats, Faith! We’re so proud of you!”
Her husband Matt worked for some music company, which had dragged them all the way to California not long after she graduated. We hadn’t seen much of them since they moved four years ago, but I loved talking to her on the phone. Matt did well, and he took her all over the country. I loved hearing about her trips. It gave me something to daydream about when times got hard in Colorado Springs.
I smiled. “I would hope my big sister would give me the proper motivation. How’s sunny California?”
She scoffed, “I’ve told you every winter, it gets cold here too. Right now it’s sixty-eight degrees.”
I sat up and looked out the window at the fine layer of white covering everything. I rolled my eyes. Sixty-eight degrees.
She lowered her voice just enough that I could tell the change in conversation, “So, besides school, how are you holding up?”
“I’m doing better, actually. Things are good.” Esther shared my parents’ faith, but not the zealot status. She also wasn't dumb. She knew that it wasn’t for me. Esther understood that my life was a minefield, and I loved her for accepting me and understanding my struggle.
She gave me the usual pep talk. I always appreciated it.
“I know it seems hard now, Faith, but strength in the Lord will get you through this troubling time.” To anyone passing by or listening in, our talk sounded just like Bible study, but our words had far different meanings.
We had to be vague. Once just after my sister moved, I was talking to her, telling her I couldn't wait to move out and stop going to the church with all the nuts, and my mother overheard. Through her tears, I had to beg her not to tell my father.
“How’s Bible study?” She knew the right questions to ask, and I knew just how to answer so that she could understand my struggle. Only this time, my answers had a different tone to them.
I had a smile on my face. “Bible study is... great, actually.”
I don't know how, but I had given myself away. Esther could hear it in my voice maybe, or maybe it was that pause that was just a split second too long.
“Oh my goodness!” She reined it in. “There’s someone new at study, isn’t there?”
Part of me wanted to change the subject, but I had to tell someone about Eddie. “There is. He’s new to our church, as a matter of fact.” I did what I could to tell Esther about him, but still keep it in code.
“What’s he like?” She sounded thrilled.
“Well, he’s definitely new to church. He’s there every Wednesday and Sunday without fail. Mom and Dad like him, actually.”
“Wait, what?”
I almost laughed. They had hated Matt when they’d first met him. When Esther turned eighteen, they’d basically given her the choice to leave him or leave town. That was just another reason she’d ended up in Cali.
“Yeah. I don't know what it is, but Mom and Dad both think he’s great.”
“And what do you think?”
I didn’t know how to tell her that he was a bad boy liar with a motorcycle and quick hands. There really was no code for that, but I did my best. I thought of how I could describe him.
“He’s a fast learner. Very eager. He sits next to me, and I don’t want to vomit.” I paused while she laughed. “He comes up and talks to Mom and Dad after we get done on Wednesdays, and they let him drive me home. Oh, and they’ve started having him over for dinner.”
I could imagine that last part really throwing Esther off. Matt’s family had lived next door for the entire time we’d lived in Colorado Springs, and my parents had never warmed up to them the way anyone would have liked.
“Over for dinner? After a month? What is this guy’s secret, Faith?” Esther had long grown past caring about our parents. She would never forgive them, but at least she could live beyond her upbringing. I could still hear a hint of jealousy in her voice, though.
“I wish I knew his secret, but it works just as well on me.”
“When are you coming to visit?” There wasn’t anything more about Eddie to talk about, and Esther knew it. Maybe if I were with her, I could tell her about how wild Eddie was, how each night he drove me home, we did something dangerous. He was teaching me how to drive the motorcycle, which I liked, even though I wasn’t very good at it.
Things had escalated from the candy bar and soda. I had managed to steal a man’s wallet through some clever misdirection and a little bit more skin than I usually show. He was one of the wealthier Springs residents, and I didn’t feel bad about taking the two hundred dollar bills from his wallet before tossing it near a police station as we rode past.
Eddie had also let me shoot his gun. My father was big into hunting, so I was used to them, but a handgun was way different than a rifle. We’d drive far into the foothills and I’d practice cleaning, loading, and shooting the gun. It was powerful, and it turned me on. I’d never tell anyone that, but Eddie knew I loved it.
Something told me that Esther wouldn't understand. I knew she wouldn’t, actually. She was content to have her husband and the child they were trying for. Hearing her talk about kids made me realize I wanted them someday, but in the meantime, I wanted that thrill and rush of adrenaline that only danger brought me.
I knew Eddie had big things in mind, and I wanted them all. We still only had those two precious hours between Wednesday Bible study and my ten o’clock curfew. It was maddening, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Esther and I talked, and she went on about visiting the Pacific Ocean. “It’s as deep blue as a marble, and Faith, it was so warm I never wanted to get out.”
Her words were breadcrumbs over the Rocky Mountains, through the desert, all the way to that glorious ocean that I couldn’t get out of my head. I couldn’t stay in Colorado Springs one more month, let alone however long my parents thought I would.
I made up my mind before I even got off the phone with Esther. If Eddie would go with me, I was heading to California. I knew he’d go. There was nothing tying him down, just like me. He didn’t talk much about his family, except for the lies he told my parents. With me, it was understood. He and I were one in the same.
I wanted to see Esther more than ever before. I wanted to see the ocean. Most of all, I wanted to get away from Colorado Springs and the crushing influence of my parents. They didn't understand me, and they had done all they could, but I was still lost from the flock. This one didn’t have a flock.
Eddie and I were going to spend the next Wednesday night having a serious talk. I just hoped he was up for something more adventurous rather than dangerous.
Wednesday came, another guest pastor came, and Bible study came. Jacob had learned after a month that he was no longer allowed to sit next to me. Eddie had an amazing way of expressing so much with just his eyes.
Jacob kept away from me, and I liked the feeling of Eddie protecting me, even more so when he did it in silence. He made me feel safe, warm, and loved with just a look. It was something that no one else noticed. My parents saw him as a friend of the family. If they knew what happened on those Wednesday nights, they’d never let me out of the house again.
My mother never brought up Eddie in any way besides being part of the church family. She still thought Jacob and I would get together (in the most Christian way possible) and live happily ever after. It just wasn’t meant to be.
I managed to sit through Bible study and ignore the raging hormones inside me. Eddie always managed to look so calm and cool during the talks. Carly Simmons had finally seen Eddie up close, and she was making it her mission to seduce him (in the most Christian way possible). He often forgot his Bible, and she was so kind to offer to share every time. She always invited him to sit right next to her, a
nd she had begun to offer “one on one” talks about Jesus Christ. Give me a break.
Eddie always politely declined. It made me smile in a bitchy way that I enjoyed very much. My sister may have been the only one on the planet to know it, but I was Eddie’s and he was mine, and we didn’t have much longer in Colorado Springs.
“Have her home by ten o’clock.”
“Yes Mr. Vincini.”
It had been like that for over a month. It was always the exact same ending to the conversation outside the church. We’d get into the truck and head straight for our other lives as petty criminals getting our fill of life.
This night was different for some reason, though. Before I could turn to head to the truck with Eddie, my dad grabbed my arm and excused us back inside. He didn’t say anything to me as he led me by the arm into the basement where my Bible study had just finished.
My heart raced, thinking that somehow my dad knew what we were up to on Wednesday nights. Eddie never had me home late, and I really thought my parents were blind to our lives outside of Bible study. At that moment, though, I was ready to confess every Wednesday night sin.
My dad let me go, only to grab two folding chairs and slam them down. I sat without needing to be told. He stared at me for a long moment before speaking.
“A man’s desire is a demon that he must pray hard about to keep in check. That demon is fighting to steal your purity and innocence. It is stronger than a man. You understand that?”
I knew he didn’t actually want an answer. We weren’t having a conversation; I was listening to his lecture.
“Only with the help of God Almighty can that demon be silenced and destroyed. I’ve prayed so hard, Faith. So hard for your purity and innocence. I’ve spent late nights up praying to rid myself of demons, as well. I am a man. I am a sinner. I have demons, too, Faith.”
I could see sweat forming on my father’s brow, and his eyes were turning wild in front of me. I was getting an uneasy feeling that made the hair on my neck stand up. My dad was getting more personal than he ever had during his religious rants. I wanted to back away. There was something about it that rubbed me wrong.
“Living at home with two women is a burden. I carry that burden and those sinful ways every day of my life. Your mother understands. I hope you do, too. I pray it away every night.” He was getting more and more incoherent, and I wanted to be sitting across from him less and less.
“Faith, I need you to understand how hard it is for me. Without the Lord... Without Him, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know what that demon inside of me is capable of. I just want you to know that the Devil works in every man. He works in Eddie, whether you can see it or not.”
After a few seconds of awkward silence, because I had nothing to say, my dad stood up and headed for the stairs leading back up to the congregation. Worry, confusion, and anger swirled in my head. I had no idea how to interpret that one.
After my dad had made his way upstairs, I waited a minute longer, then went up to meet Eddie. His truck and motorcycle felt more like freedom than ever before. There was safety on that bench seat beside Eddie. It was my home away from home.
I was now keeping spare clothes in the back of Eddie’s truck. A torn up sweatshirt with some old band’s logo on it waited for me behind the seat. I usually changed in the truck while Eddie pulled the motorcycle out of the garage, but we both knew that winter would be putting that to a stop.
I sat in his truck silently. As we pulled away, he was the first to say it. “I think we’d better stick to four wheels. What do you think?”
Despite my haze, I nodded in agreement. “I’d say so.” Even as he hit the headlights, I could see tiny flakes of snow making their final descent. Our nights on the Harley had come to an end. It may have been getting cold in Colorado Springs, but the West Coast was still perfect and warm, more tempting than it had ever been before.
I’d learned more about motorcycles in the last month than I’d ever known. Eddie’s 1985 Softail Custom was our freedom machine, and if I could convince him, it would carry us to the Pacific Ocean.
Trying to decipher what my father had said only made things worse. He hadn’t said anything specific, but I’d read between the lines and understood he was making threats. They were disguised as “demons,” which I didn't buy for a second. My father had demons, all right, but they had nothing to do with Lucifer. He was sick, and I wanted nothing to do with him or my sick family.
We cruised out of the city, making our way into the foothills. With the city behind us and the ancient heater cranked, Eddie and I took our two-hour sabbatical from the world.
When we were parked with a view of The Springs, I turned to him.
With my father’s mad sermon still on my mind, I asked, “What’s keeping you here?”
After a while, Eddie answered, “Work, but not really. You. My family wouldn’t really miss me. It’s nowhere near like yours. The opposite, actually. I think they’d be better off if I split.”
“What if you did? What if you split? Where would you go?”
Eddie’s eyes peered into my soul like only he could. “Faith, why don’t you tell me what’s really on your mind? We’ll get where we’re going a hell of a lot faster that way.”
I almost cut him off. Every bit of pent up energy came shooting out of me. “I want out. I want out of this town. I want out of this state.” He watched, nodding at the right times as I said my piece.
“Eddie, I’m suffocating at home. You know I am. My parents won’t let me go. I have to make a break for it, but you know I’ve got nothing. I need you, and I need you to go with me, or I won’t make it. I mean that both ways. I’ve never been outside of this area code, Eddie. I’m green. I wouldn't even make it to Aspen without you.” I realized I’d been going on like an idiot. I tried to wrap it up.
“You and me. Let’s get out of Dodge.”
Eddie gave me that confident grin that I had grown to love. The look that said he knew exactly how I felt, probably for a longer time than I did myself. It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to tease.
“What money do we have?”
“I’ve got fifty bucks in cash at home. Not much in the bank, but I don’t think we can plan this. I think it has to be a now or never thing.” I had no idea what my father was capable of, but I had heard the tightrope of sanity swaying in his voice when he spoke. I no longer felt safe at home. I no longer felt anything about my home. It was time to make a new one.
He kept asking the tough questions. “Where are we going to stay? Along the way and once we get to California?”
“We’ll find motels. You and I both know how we’ll get money.” We’d been talking about that last step for a while, and I was feeling far more comfortable handling a gun. I could see that Eddie wasn’t fully on board. “You should have heard my Dad. He’s talking like a crazy person. Crazier than usual, even. I don’t feel safe at home. I didn’t feel comfortable there, but now it’s far beyond that. I can’t go home, Eddie. I can't.”
The only sound between us was the engine of the truck, rhythmic and constant. I leaned my head back against the headrest. I was tired, tired of the rigorous household, tired of living someone else’s life, tired of pretending. If Eddie said no, I wasn’t sure what my options were.
“We can’t take the truck. It’s a gas sucker to the max. We’ve got to pack light.” His words were enough to wipe every hint of exhaustion from my body and mind. I started laughing and crying at the same time. I slid over to him and threw my arms around him. I somehow honked the horn trying to hug him, which only made me laugh harder.
“For real? You’ll go with me?” I knew he would, but it was still hard to believe. Eddie was always there when I had crazy ideas, and I should have known he’d be there for this one, too.
