by David Auburn
HOGAN: The inner tubes were a good idea.
VERONICA: Four inner tubes from the Kmart duct-taped together are a pretty poor substitute for a swimming dock. And it’s sixty dollars I didn’t plan to spend.
HOGAN: It’s nice your little girl’s friend could come up at least.
VERONICA: Mr. Hogan. I think you should reimburse me.
(He says nothing.)
You said the dock would be repaired; it isn’t. We’ve been up here three days with no hot water. You did not provide the trundle bed you promised. I’ve had two nine-year-olds sleeping on a twin bed. You know I saw the place, I wasn’t expecting the Four Seasons, but—
HOGAN: I fixed the shutter.
VERONICA: What shutter?
HOGAN: That one, that was off its hinge.
VERONICA: It’s ornamental. What do I care about that? This is my vacation. It’s been very frustrating.
HOGAN: I understand.
VERONICA: I hope so.
HOGAN: I’m gonna take a look at the water heater right now. I’m sure I can get it going. It’s probably just the pilot light.
VERONICA: It’s not the pilot light. I know how to check a pilot light. You’ve got some other problem.
HOGAN: I’ll take a look at it right away.
VERONICA: Thank you.
HOGAN: Is there anything else?
VERONICA: You mean besides the dock, the bed, the hot water, the disconnected phone, and the dead tree branch over the walkway looks like it’s about to fall and smash in one of my children’s skulls any second?
HOGAN: I was not aware about the phone.
VERONICA: I had to use my cell phone. You were right about one thing, you got to be a circus acrobat to get a signal in this place. You know what? I really think it’s only fair you consider refunding a portion of my rental fee.
HOGAN: You haven’t had a good time?
VERONICA: We have had—we have managed to enjoy ourselves so far, but—
HOGAN: The weather’s been gorgeous.
VERONICA: It rained all day yesterday.
HOGAN: Besides that.
VERONICA: I made a decision not to let some of these disappointments ruin my vacation, but—
HOGAN: That’s the right attitude. And you know what? Kids don’t care. Give them a little water to splash around in they’re happy forever.
VERONICA: Yes, but I would like to be able to give them a hot bath afterward. I’d like to be able to take a bath. Call me greedy.
HOGAN: I don’t think you’re greedy.
VERONICA: Thank you.
HOGAN: But I never did get your third payment.
(Beat.)
The last third we agreed you would give me when you arrived.
VERONICA: I know.
HOGAN: Do you have it?
VERONICA: Are you seriously asking for it now?
HOGAN: If you don’t mind. We can get that straight and then we can deal with any other issues.
VERONICA: You got it backwards. I think we should deal with this first.
HOGAN: You mean the refund.
VERONICA: I don’t need a full refund. We’re here now, we’re going to stay out the week.
HOGAN: What do you want?
VERONICA: I think you ought to refund, let’s say three days’ rent.
HOGAN: Uh-huh.
VERONICA: Assuming you can get everything else working. Not the dock of course, I can see that’s a lost cause.
HOGAN: There were structural problems with the dock I didn’t anticipate.
VERONICA: Uh-huh.
HOGAN: I thought it was just the decking needed replacement. But it was one of the pilings too. They’re sunk into concrete under the lake bed. This is a man-made lake. They probably did it before the lake was filled. So they had it easier. I’m not a Navy SEAL. I can’t replace a piling that’s sunk in four feet of concrete under fifteen feet of water.
VERONICA: Maybe you should have figured that out before you took the job.
HOGAN: Right, that is exactly what the homeowners’ association said. Or rather their attorney, which is why I am being sued. Which is why I can’t refund your money even if I’d like to. Which I would.
VERONICA: Well, I’m sorry about that.
HOGAN: It is a huge pain in the ass.
VERONICA: But it’s not my problem.
(Beat.)
HOGAN: I hate to argue about money.
VERONICA: Mr. Hogan, I’m about to give my kids lunch here—
HOGAN: What are you having?
VERONICA: Sandwiches. So I—
HOGAN: What kind?
VERONICA: I got baloney and peanut butter and jelly. Why? Do you want one?
HOGAN: Sure. I haven’t eaten.
VERONICA: Okay, let me make myself clearer. I don’t exactly feel like giving you lunch right now. I would like to resolve this.
HOGAN: Look, what do you expect me to do? We said twelve hundred for the week. Now, that is not a lot of money for a two-bedroom rental on a lake in this area two weeks before Labor Day. Now you want three days back. That’s what, about five hundred bucks?
VERONICA: More like six.
HOGAN: Okay, whatever. I’m gonna deal with your hot water problem. I really don’t see how a few days of cold showers, which is good for the circulation by the way—you’re a nurse, you should know that—could be worth— How much did you say you wanted?
VERONICA: Six hundred.
HOGAN: But you still owe me four hundred. Don’t you? Minus whatever you paid for the inner tubes.
VERONICA: Forget the inner tubes. I bought them, that’s done.
HOGAN: No, I’ll reimburse you for those, I don’t have a problem with that. I know you’re especially upset about the inner tubes.
VERONICA: I don’t care about the damn inner tubes. I care about three days with no hot water.
HOGAN: But you haven’t paid rent for those three days!
VERONICA: I—
HOGAN: So why not just pay it?
VERONICA: Because this house is shabby! All right? It’s a shabby mess. I had to spend the whole first night cleaning. There’s more bugs in this damn house than in my apartment in New York City.
HOGAN: You’re in nature, you’re not in the goddamn city.
VERONICA: Oh, they’re better bugs, is that what you’re saying?
HOGAN: If you were expecting an insect-free cabin in the woods I can’t help you, that’s all, I don’t think we have anything to talk about.
VERONICA: And I can’t sleep up here. I’m out here in the woods all by myself a million miles from nowhere with three little children, I can’t believe how creepy it is at night with the crickets and the frogs and hoot-owls and I don’t know what.
HOGAN: Well, I’m sorry but that’s what you paid for. Or partially paid for.
VERONICA: Okay, look. Just give me two hundred.
HOGAN: How did you get to two hundred now?
VERONICA: Because! Six hundred you owe me for the three days minus the last third of the rent, the difference is—
HOGAN: All right, all right, all right, the hell with it.
(He takes out his wallet.)
I got thirty-eight dollars on me, which is all the cash I’ve got until my disability comes in Friday. Take it. Go on. Take it.
VERONICA: I don’t want your last thirty-eight dollars.
HOGAN: Take it. It’s fine. My brother’ll tide me over. If Debbie lets him.
VERONICA: Debbie?
HOGAN: His wife. We don’t get along.
VERONICA: I can’t imagine.
HOGAN: She is not an easygoing person. I like a relaxed atmosphere. I don’t like a lot of tension.
VERONICA: Who does?
HOGAN: Debbie. I think she feeds on it.
VERONICA: Mr. Hogan—
HOGAN: No. You keep the cash. That’s honestly the best I can do right now. Just make sure your kids stay away from the dock and the stove, all right? Last thing I need is another lawsuit.
; (Beat.)
VERONICA: You got a lawyer?
HOGAN: Sort of.
VERONICA: What do you mean sort of?
HOGAN: Debbie is a lawyer. A pretty good one, apparently. I’ve asked her to take my case pro bono. She says she’s “considering” it. Isn’t that sweet of her? I’ve got to hope she says yes. If she doesn’t I’m done. I’ll have to sell this place. I mean I probably have to sell it anyway. The homeowners’ association will get something. It’s just a question of how dry they can squeeze me. These people on the homeowners’ association are not local people. I’m unusual, see. Most of them come up from the fucking city—sorry, but they are the kind of people who are not happy unless they’re suing somebody. You want to know the real bitch of it? I’m a member of the homeowners’ association! This was my dad’s cabin. I was on the board even for a while in the nineties. So it’s like I’m suing myself. It’s like if I lose I got to go bankrupt trying to pay damages to myself!
VERONICA: No, it’s not like that at all.
HOGAN: Anyway, not your problem.
(At the window.)
You know, they’re really swimming out there.
VERONICA: They better not be swimming.
(She looks.)
Hey!
(She goes outside.)
HOGAN: Yeah, I would say something about that.
VERONICA: (Outside.) Hey! The three of you! I said I do not want you out farther than up to your belly buttons! Come on out. Come up on the beach now. Thank you!
Just get dried off now. I’m gonna be out there with your lunch in one minute!
(She comes back in.)
HOGAN: Kids.
VERONICA: (Frustrated sound.)
HOGAN: What’d you end up doing yesterday?
VERONICA: What?
HOGAN: While it was raining.
VERONICA: Nothing. Took them bowling.
HOGAN: Hey. Putnam Lanes? In town?
VERONICA: I guess so. Yes.
HOGAN: I love that place. I haven’t been there in years. You still have to keep score yourself or do they have those automatic scorekeepers now?
VERONICA: It’s automatic. On screens.
HOGAN: That’s too bad. That’s a shame. A screen doing it all for you. I used to like taking home the score sheets. And you got those little stubby pencils … Remember?
VERONICA: Bowling was not a big part of my childhood.
HOGAN: Putnam Lanes. Can’t beat that for keeping kids happy. I used to take my daughter there. I remember she was maybe eight or nine and she’d pick out an eight-pound ball—this little girl!—and stride right up the lane to the line and roll two or three strikes a game, and then write the little X’s in the box herself and add up her own score. We probably did that once a month. She’s very (taps his head). She’s going to Columbia University in the fall. Did I tell you that? Full scholarship. Her mom just let me know. A little late, seeing as how she got in in April, I would have appreciated a word then, but— Anyway. I’m proud, I can’t deny it. It’s supposed to be a hell of a school. It’s in your neck of the woods, isn’t it?
VERONICA: Sort of.
HOGAN: Maybe I’ll drive down there in the fall, check it out. I haven’t been down to the city in a long time. Not since everybody had those “no radio” signs on their car windows. They don’t do that anymore, do they?
VERONICA: No.
HOGAN: I’d like to see her play. She’s gonna be on the soccer team. She was recruited and everything. Don’t know where she gets it. Not from me. It’s funny how kids just latch on to these things and go. Like your boy with his birds maybe.
VERONICA: Well, who knows how long that’ll last.
Before birds it was old airplanes, like from World War Two. He gets a new obsession every two weeks seems like. He’s always onto the next thing so fast, it’s hard for me to keep up.
HOGAN: He got a father?
(Beat.)
VERONICA: Yes.
Both of my children do, actually.
HOGAN: Oh hey. I didn’t mean to, uh—
VERONICA: And the father of both of my children passed away, two years ago. All right?
HOGAN: Oh jeez.
Sorry.
VERONICA: Thank you.
(Beat.)
HOGAN: How?
VERONICA: Hit and run. On the street in front of our building.
HOGAN: Well shit.
(Beat.)
VERONICA: Excuse me, I’m going to bring the children their lunch.
(She exits.)
HOGAN: I’ll see what I can do about the water heater.
Fade.
SCENE 3
That evening. VERONICA alone. She looks troubled. She tries to settle down to read a paperback. Her cell phone rings.
VERONICA: Charles? Hi, thanks for calling me back. I’m fine. We’re— Yes, everything is fine but I needed to tell you something, you’ll probably hear it from Mia. There was a little incident today out on the lake. It— No, everything’s fine, but she— Charles? Can you hear me? Charles?
Sorry, is this better? I’m just losing you a little up here.
Is that any better? Charles—? Shit.
(She moves to a different part of the room. Cell phone rings.)
Hi. I’m sorry. The service up here— Yes, okay. Well, look, all it was was Mia was out swimming with my kids and she got out a little far and must have got a mouthful of water. Excuse me? No. No. I was out there with them, right on the shore. No, I wasn’t swimming, I was just watching them and I— Charles. Charles. I’m gonna tell you the whole story, all right? Just hold on. She got out a little far and got a mouthful of water and went under a second so I jumped in and pulled her out, the whole thing wasn’t more than maybe ten seconds and everything was fine after, I gave them all hot chocolate and everybody’s good but I just wanted you to hear it from me right away. I don’t think so. No, you don’t have to come up. She’s having a great time. Uh-huh.
(HOGAN knocks and enters. He carries a carton of eggs.)
Well, you did say she had passed her Red Cross test. Well, actually she wasn’t even out farther than she could stand, it was just one of those things where she opened her mouth at the wrong time and got a faceful of water and then got scared, it could’ve happened in the bathtub. I know, she swims better than my kids. She’s asleep now. Ate a big supper, uh-huh. Hot dogs and baked beans. No, I got her the tofu dogs. Yeah, I’ll have her call you first thing. What? You’re cutting out. Hello—? I’ll have her call you first thing in the morning—
(She hangs up.)
Asshole.
HOGAN: Uh-oh. Salty language!
(Beat.)
You need to call him back?
VERONICA: What? No.
HOGAN: He wasn’t mad, was he?
VERONICA: Sorry, do you want to tell me what you’re doing back here?
HOGAN: Just making sure everything’s okay.
VERONICA: Everything is fine.
HOGAN: The water heater—
VERONICA: It’s fine! It was fine at four o’clock when you got done fixing it.
HOGAN: Just because it was running before doesn’t mean it stayed running long enough to heat up the tank. I thought you’d appreciate me coming back to check up on it.
And I brought you some eggs.
(He goes to put them in the fridge.)
VERONICA: Eggs?
HOGAN: From my brother’s.
VERONICA: What, does he keep chickens or something?
HOGAN: No.
(Beat.)
VERONICA: I see you found some dry clothes.
HOGAN: Yeah.
VERONICA: Good thing you didn’t clear out those drawers like you said, you got plenty of extra clothes around the place.
(She gets settled again on the couch.)
HOGAN: What are you reading?
VERONICA: Mystery.
HOGAN: Any good?
VERONICA: Yeah, I’d like to finish it.
(Beat.)
HOGAN: H
e wasn’t blaming you, was he? The dad.
VERONICA: He was just concerned.
HOGAN: Why’d you say “asshole” then?
VERONICA: I didn’t.
HOGAN: Yeah you did.
VERONICA: Oh whatever, he was just worried about his little girl.
HOGAN: He wanted to come get her?
VERONICA: What difference does it make?
HOGAN: You think he doesn’t trust you?
VERONICA: I don’t care if he trusts me or not.
HOGAN: Seems like you do.
VERONICA: He trusts me, he let me take his girl for the week. He’s just one of those parents, you know, one of those parents.
HOGAN: What kind?
VERONICA: You know.
HOGAN: White?
VERONICA: What? No.
HOGAN: Sorry.
VERONICA: I mean, yes he is, but that’s not what I mean.
HOGAN: Uh-huh.
VERONICA: I mean that kind of New York parent like, oh she got a nut allergy so if you have even one almond anywhere in the house it’s an emergency.
And makes his kid wear a helmet all the time. Pushing her on a swing at the playground. Like she’s going skydiving.
HOGAN: Really? On a swing?
VERONICA: Maybe not that. But like that.
HOGAN: You were making peanut butter sandwiches earlier.
VERONICA: I gave her plain jelly! She ain’t gonna go into anaphylactic shock looking at the Skippy jar. And guess what? If she does I got an EpiPen. I’ve got everything. I could perform open-heart surgery with the kit I brought up here. I’m equipped. So don’t go and sort of imply that …
HOGAN: That what?
VERONICA: Whatever. It doesn’t matter.
Oh and by the way. Something else you forgot to clear out your drawers before we got here, your magazines. My little boy found them. I put them in a bag by the door, you can take them when you go.
HOGAN: What’s the big deal? So I left some hunting and fishing magazines—
VERONICA: It wasn’t just hunting and fishing. You left something else mixed in there.
HOGAN: Oh.
VERONICA: Yeah, oh. So tonight I got a seven-year-old showing me—
HOGAN: Yeah, okay, that is my fault.
VERONICA: Thanks a lot.
HOGAN: That is a little embarrassing, I’m sorry about that.
VERONICA: You should be.
HOGAN: Oh come on, it’s not so strange.
You’re a nurse.
VERONICA: What does that mean?
