I got out of the car gathering the red and pink carnations I picked up at the store and made my way out to the cross that had been placed in the memory of the lives lost. My brothers had told me about this, but I had never seen it with my own eyes. Somehow Ace had managed to make it from hubcaps left at the shop. It was beautiful shiny silver, but it was a simple cross that read "Harlyn Bexton & Harper James" with two pairs of wings dangling from each side. My eyes stung but I couldn't move. I was rooted in this spot just like I had been that night. I leaned forward and placed the bunch of carnations next to the fresh daisies laying there. "Hi, my angels, sorry I've been gone so long. I'll be around now or at least I'm going to try. It's hard without you two. I love you both."
As I got up I made my way back to my car without looking back. Once I was behind the wheel again I felt that hole in my heart. Pounding on my steering wheel made it seem better but it was just an illusion. Why did I think I could come back here? I pulled back on to the road and headed towards my childhood home. Pulling into the drive way I stare at the house that I was raised in, it hasn't changed a bit. The single story with white siding and two steps leading up to the teal door my mama had insisted on. I remember painting that door as part of my punishment for my first speeding ticket. It wasn't really punishment though since it made my mama so happy. The big tree in the front yard shaded most of the house. The brick planter boxes that lined both sides of the front of the house, a punishment for Bowie at one point, were full of every color of daisy. No doubt in my mind that those flowers planted here, and the ones laid by the cross were because of Sadie, Axell's fiancée.
I got out of the car, grabbing my luggage from the trunk and made my way to the door. According to the driveway only Bowie was home. When I got to the door I paused I didn't know if I should just go in or knock first. Twisting the door handle I felt it was unlocked so I went inside. As I stood inside I took in the small three bedrooms, two-bath house. To my left was the living room where my brothers and I use to fight over the remote. My brothers had laid new carpet and the furniture was now a leather sectional. I could see from hear that the kitchen had been painted through the bar that overlooked the living room. It was white and pale yellow now. Down the hallway was the three-bedroom doors, Axell and Sadie, Mine and my youngest brother Jovi.
I took in the house and the smells. This was the house that had taught me everything. I had grown up in this house with two parents who loved fiercely. They had always taught us that as long you loved fully and tried to do what you thought was right then nothing else mattered. As long as you had roof over your head and food to eat then you should not complain. There was always someone else out there who had less than you, so you should be thankful for what you had regardless. I had once believed all of that, I have believed that if I worked hard and loved harder that my life would be complete, and it was until Harlyn was taken from me. Now, I don't believe in any of that. Maybe, it worked for my parents but not for me.
My parents had been high school sweethearts and married two days after graduation at the courthouse. No big ceremony, no big dress and no big ring but there had always been an abundance of love. Shortly after they were married they found out they were pregnant with Axell the first of five boys they would have and raise in this house. My dad had worked at Carl's which was a car repair and body shop. It was the only job he ever had he started in high school and worked there until Carl gave it to my father because of his age. Dad had then added the bar on the other side of the building a couple years later.
This house had been all my parents could afford when they first married but they kept it. My parents had twenty-one full years of love before my mom lost her battle with cancer that was twelve years ago. Jovi was just three at the time. My dad had always been a strong man, he had that don't mess with me look but the day my mom took her last breath I saw him cry for the first time. My parents were complete opposites. Ronald James was that rough and tough kind of guy who loved 80s rock and American muscle cars. For as long as I could remember he had long hair that was always in a ponytail, a full beard, multiple tattoos on his arms and chest. He cursed like a sailor and never backed down in a fight and smoked at least a pack of a day. He was tall at almost 6'4" and all muscle. My mom Annie had been 5'3" with a lean and curvy build. Her shoulder length chocolate brown hair was always straight. Her blue green eyes were always kind, and her smile could light up a room. To most people my parents made no sense, but it worked.
Four months ago, my dad had left to be with my mom. They all said it was a heart attack, but I think it was a twelve-year broken heart. After losing Harlyn I understood how my dad felt all those years. It had only been five years for me and I still had a tough time finding the strength to keep going sometimes. Maybe having five mouths to feed at home was what he needed to keep pushing. I felt for Ace and Jovi the most. They had least amount of time with our mom and now Jovi was losing time with dad too. I took a deep breath before heading towards my old room. As I opened the door I found my room had been changed a lot. Probably, because Ace had moved into my room when I had moved out into my own place with Harlyn after high school graduation. The room was clean and showed no signs of anyone living in it before. It looked like a guest room that I was sure was done by the hands of Sadie. I couldn't even begin to imagine what she had found left behind from me and Ace. Although at this point I am sure it wouldn't faze her she knew the five of us were hell on wheels.
I unpacked my belongings, while I was hanging my clothes in the closet I heard the back door open. Bowie's body was in my doorway before I turned around. "Well hell! Looks like my baby brother is back finally and planning on staying?" he asked.
Bowie was the next to oldest and had a lot of my mom's physical traits with his blue eyes, chocolate brown hair and tan skin. He was at least 6'2" and all muscle like our father. Tattoos covered his biceps now, no doubt thanks to the tattoo shop that he and Ace owned together. His hair was messy like he just got out of bed and he was clean shaven. "Figured you guys might be able to use some help around here now. Figured it was time to stop hiding."
"Well, it's good to have you back Jagger," he said crossing the room and pulling me into a hug. I might be younger, but I had at least two inches on him and about 20 more pounds of muscle. "Does Axell know?" He asked.
"Yeah, I told him I was considering it but not to tell anyone until I was sure." I replied.
"Well, damn I guess that explains why Sadie has been cleaning on this room all week," he said rubbing his chin.
I finished hanging up my clothes, "She didn't have to do that. I could have cleaned it myself."
He chuckled "You didn't see the mess Ace left it in."
I laughed "Yeah I guess I didn't. After I'm done here I'm heading over to the shop to see Axell, you want to come?"
"Hell yeah! I'll go change." And with that he was gone from my room leaving the back-screen door to bang shut. Bowie lived in the little one room shed outside. My dad had added it while we were in high school and called in his man cave. According to Axell, Bowie now lived there. He came back in the house with all the swag of his ladies’ man reputation. "Let's go see our big brother!" He said as we left the house and made our way to my '68 Camaro SS. Bowie let out a low whistle while assessing the car. "Now, this is nice, not as nice as my Fastback but still nice. Vegas must have treated you well.
I just shrugged as we got in the car and left the driveway. Bowie turned up the radio and started singing and playing air guitar to ACDC. I couldn't help but laugh, I think it was the first real laugh I'd had in five years. Maybe, returning wouldn't be so bad after all. I might not be that naive boy who believed that love could conquer everything but that didn't mean I couldn't find some purpose or strength by being surrounded by my brothers again.
Chapter 2
Londynn
Its late afternoon by the time Alivia and Creed drop me back off at my house. As I enter I notice the house is still silent which isn't too shocking since its Friday nig
ht. My parents will be lucky to make it home in the early morning hours, if at all. I'm slowly making my way up the stairs when Farrah's ringer goes off. As soon as I answer Farrah is talking. "Okay, I'll be there in about forty-five minutes then we are going out for the night. Dress hot! Love ya doll!" After that the line disconnects but this isn't shocking either.
Farrah has always marched to the beat of her own drum, much to our parent’s dismay. She wasn't one to be told what to do, she was carefree and fun loving. Farrah didn't care if she disappointed anyone as long as she made herself happy. As soon as she graduated high school and turned eighteen, she cashed in her trust fund, moving it to another bank so my parents couldn't control it. She packed up her room, rented a studio apartment and started working at a boutique. She had peeled out of the driveway in her black Range Rover with her middle finger in the air and platinum blonde hair in the wind and never looked back.
My parents had basically disowned her except for social events and holidays. Even though I was sure my parent’s nonchalance had hurt Farrah she didn't show it. She had carried on like the trooper she is. I'd always admired how tenacious she was. As I make it to my room I decide to shower quickly before she arrives. After showering and dressing I step out of my bathroom to find Farrah lying across my bed on her back, reading a fashion magazine. Her deep blue eyes take in my appearance and frowns.
"What?" I ask sounding more defensive that I meant to.
My tone doesn't go unnoticed because her frown only deepens as she rolls over onto her stomach. "I said to dress hot, not like we’re going to the country club."
Looking down I take in my outfit, yellow and black floral skirt that hits above the knee with a black silk top and black heels. I had pulled my hair into a low side ponytail. "What's wrong with what I have on?"
"You look like you're going off to prep school," she says as she rises from the bed. I look her over. She has on a pair of skin tight jeans and black leather halter top with a pair of black stilettos. Her long platinum blonde hair hangs in long curls with half of it pulled back. Her makeup is heavy with fake eyelashes and a ton of eyeliner but that's her normal. Once she’s standing in front of me she holds out a bag for me to take.
"What's this?" I ask as I take the bag from her hand.
"This doll is an outfit that won't make you stick out like a sore thumb. Where were going you can't go dressed like that," she says motioning her red tipped nails in my direction. She ushers me into the bathroom before she starts helping me strip off the clothes.
"Where are we going Farrah?" I ask while she starts pulling the contents from the bag out.
"We" she says motioning between us "Are going out," she starts handing me the clothes and I put them on without protest. After I'm dressed she sits me down while she teases my straight hair before placing a black ribbon headband in it. Moving on to my makeup she adds dark eye shadow and tons of mascara and eyeliner. "Man, I'd kill for your lashes. If I had yours I wouldn't have to glue these on every day," she says motioning to her own eyelashes. She stands back and pushes me towards my full-length mirror. "Now, we can go out."
Standing in the mirror I'm a little speechless. Farrah dressed me in something I loved but would never have been allowed to wear. Skinny light wash jeans that were ripped up, a simple black tee that was maybe a little too tight in my opinion and a pair of black wedges. I wasn't sure what to make out of this outfit, but I liked it, a lot. Farrah claps when she notices the smile on my face then she grabs my hand and pulls me down the stairs to her Range Rover.
Farrah is dancing and singing along as we make our way through L.A. It dawns on me that I don't even know where were going and I'm about to ask when Farrah turns the down music and glances at me. "You okay Londynn?" I give her a smile and nod, but she doesn't seem appeased. "Londynn you've been home all of one afternoon and you already seem miserable again."
"I'm not miserable."
She huffs, "Really Londynn? I don't buy that, you are miserable. Living your life based on someone else's expectations will make you miserable. You have got to learn to live for yourself."
I take a deep breath and count to five like I've learned to keep my emotions in check. "Farrah, not everyone is you."
"What's that supposed to mean?" She asks, and I can hear the hurt laced through her voice.
I shrug "It means not everyone is as brave as you are. Not everyone just gives up the life that's been given to them."
"Given to you? Londynn, your life has been prepared for you. It wasn't given to you. From the time each of us were born our so-called parents planned out our lives, where we'd go to school, what activities we'd be involved in, what we'd wear, who'd we date and marry, what college and profession, all of it Londynn. All of it, not a single decision about our lives, was actually ours. I didn't want my life to be controlled by them," she says, and I can see that her neck has a flush to it. Whenever her neck has a flush it means she's really worked up. I wish I could be as strong as Farrah but I'm not.
"I know what you're saying is true but I'm not you. I'm like Duke," I say feeling defeated while the gnawing in the pit of my stomach returns.
"You are not like Duke. Duke is a walking, talking clone of our father. You are not mom or dad, I can see it in you but you're too scared to let go. You're too scared to disappoint them, you can't be afraid of that."
"I don't know Farrah."
"Okay, obviously I've made my point but I'm just going to keep pushing you, or maybe I'll get lucky and you'll find something or someone to light a fire under your ass and you'll do it on your own," she says nudging me my shoulder before making a kissy face at me.
Laughing and shaking my head I ask "So, what are we doing tonight?"
"It's a Friday night in L.A., were going to do what everyone else is doing besides going to the club." She says avoiding my question, but I already know the answer. In L.A. on a Friday night there's really only two things most people our age does, either go out clubbing or to a party and the other is go to the street races. If we’re not going clubbing, then were going to the street races and I don't know how I feel about that. Ryce is for sure going to be there, he races every week, has since he's gotten his license. He also loses every week to one of the James brothers.
"Farrah" I say in a warning tone.
"What?" she asks in her most innocent voice, batting her eyelashes at me.
I let out a heavy sigh "I can't go to the races. What if is Ryce is there?"
"What if he is?" she asks, shrugging her shoulders.
"You know that I don't know what we are right now." Three months ago, on the night that changed everything for me I had walked in to find Ryce having sex with another girl. I'd had my suspicions in the past but never any confirmation. It shattered my heart in ways I didn't know possible, the things he had said to me afterwards were just extra daggers. I had honestly believed he had loved me, but I had been wrong. It hadn't been me he loved. It was my name and the money that came along with it.
"What do you want y'all to be?" Farrah asked. As if our relationship could be so easily defined. I was expected to marry Ryce at some point, it had been that way since I was fifteen and we started dating. Ryce had been my first everything and our families expected marriage. "Londynn, I can see those wheels spinning but your relationship with Ryce is yours. You can decide what you want it to be. He's the one who cheated and then blamed you for not being able to keep his pants on. He's the one that's the cold-hearted bastard."
"But our parents expect us to be together"
"To hell with what our parents want or what Ryce's parents want or even what Ryce wants. What do you want?" I stay silent because no one has ever asked me what I wanted. I don't actually know how to answer that. "Londynn, look at our parents and that relationship. Do you want that for your future? Do you want a husband that drinks too much and sleeps around? Do you want to be self-medicated like mom? I don't think you do."
I turn and look out the window as we pass the beach. The setting s
un glistens on the ocean. When I was little I would dream that someday I'd become a mermaid and I'd swim in that immense body of water. I could just escape it all, but I was never going to be a mermaid. I had two choices either continue to let the expectations of my family dictate my life or pull a Farrah and figure things out on my own. Resting my head against the seat I feel more confusion growing.
****
Jagger
As Bowie and I pulled into the parking lot of the body shop I cut the engine and stare at the long building in front of us. It was no longer the peeling gray color it was when I left. Now, it was vintage red with black trim and silver metal door. "Damn, did everything change while I was gone?" I turn to ask Bowie.
"Man, you've been gone five years, things were bound to change. When Axell took over who gave the shop and the bar a face lift." He goes quiet while I study the building again. "You gotta admit it looks better."
It did look better. It looked better than better. It looked like the kind of shop we had always wanted. Axell had taken the time and money to make everything look more presentable, it had to help the business. "Yeah, looks a ton better I just wasn't expecting it. C'mon let's go see our brother," I say punching him in the arm.
As we get out of the car and make our way up to the shop I see he upgraded the inside as well. Once were inside the door the smell of oil, tire rubber and metal hits my nose. This is home and suddenly it's like I'm seventeen again, working in this shop learning everything I could about cars. Bowie leads the way to the office, while saying hi to a few of the workers. He knocks on the door then enters. I follow behind. Axell is standing, talking on the phone.
Axell hadn't changed much his skin is still unable to tan even in the California sun he's still pale. His almost black hair is not long like it used to be. Now, it's just long enough to slick it back and he's traded his baby face for a little stubble. He's still the tallest at 6'5" and like all of us he's all muscle. His eyes widen at the surprise of seeing me with Bowie. Axell's eyes are now wide enough that you can tell they are two different colors one is solid blue and the other is part brown and part blue. It's a disease or condition of something that I can't even begin to pronounce.
Pedal to the Metal Page 2
