Chapter 5
Jagger
After the song and dance had ended Londynn had practically ran away from me. It had been four days and it was still bothering me. I didn’t know what made that girl so hot and cold, but I was over it. It’d been four days since I had arrived back at my childhood home and I found myself falling into a routine. I’d wake up to the smell of breakfast being cooked, thanks to Sadie, my brothers, Sadie and I would all sit for breakfast. Sadie would then take off to work and drop Jovi off on her way. After breakfast I would shower then head over to the body shop to start work. We had actually been really busy which was great for us. Around lunch I’d stop and have lunch with Axell in JamesTown usually compliments of Farrah. Once we finished lunch we’d go back to work until it was time to pick up Jovi. At that time, I’d leave to pick up my little brother and we’d head for the gym. My baby brother needed to gain some muscle. I’d managed to become a pretty decent cook since living on my own, so I’d start dinner after another quick shower. The first day I had cooked dinner was last night and even though it went well, Sadie had been so surprised she’d cried. I just figured after spending eight plus hours in a rehab being a personal nurse for four patients every day the girl needed a break when she got home.
So, here I am once again cooking for my brothers, Sadie and Kynlee, yet I’m distracted because even though I keep telling myself I don’t care about Londynn she keeps invading my mind. That smile, that giggle, that smell, the softness of her skin against mine, those eyes. Those eyes that had lost their sparkle since I’d last seen her. It shouldn’t matter that the sparkle was gone but for whatever reason I wanted to know why it was gone. I wanted to fix it for her. Ace and Kynlee come in to the kitchen interrupting my train of thought but maybe I should thank them since they distracted me.
“Hey Jagger, need any help?” Kynlee offers.
“Nope, I’m all good. You just grab yourself a drink and have a seat, darling," I add a wink to really mess with my brother. I noticed his jaw clench which lets me know I’ve hit a nerve, but I doubt Kynlee caught it.
“Okay but if you need any help just holler, Ace is useless in a kitchen," she says in a joking manner, patting him on the chest.
“Among other things," I add, taking another dig at my brother. Kynlee saunters away and I catch Ace as he follows her. Ace likes her, more than he’s willing to admit and more than she realizes. “Can I give you some brotherly advice?” I ask.
He lets out a huff of air. “Please don’t.”
“Well, tough shit cause I’m going to anyway. Take it from me don’t let her get away. She clearly cares about you and I’m pretty sure you care about her however, I doubt she knows that.”
“Take it from you? The brother who got totally whipped then lost his mind and ran off when things took a turn? You don’t know anything about me or Kynlee," Ace says giving me a hard glare that would intimidate most people but not me.
Before I can reply Bowie steps into the doorway, leaning against it. “No, don’t take it from him but you can take it from me.” Bowie meets Ace’s glare with one of his own and I see the pain that Bowie tries to hide in his eyes. He’s trying to tell our little brother that he doesn’t want that pain every day. Ace shakes his head and stalks off outside, pushing past Bowie mumbling something about needing a smoke.
After Ace is outside I turn back to the fajitas I’m making but Bowie makes no move to leave. “You doing okay, Bo?”
“Yeah, great as always," he tells me before grabbing a beer from the fridge and heading to the living room with Kynlee. Bowie is far from fine, he’ll never admit it, but he knows just as much or maybe even more about heartbreak than me. He had fallen in love with a girl from a few streets over. They had attended the same school since first grade, but it was one of those things, puberty hit, and everything changed. Unfortunately, she came from a pretty messed up family. Her dad was a notorious drug dealer and a bad deal had left her parents and brother dead. The only reason she had been spared was because she had been with Bowie. She had no living relatives that were willing to take her, so she was supposed to be placed in foster care, but she had packed up and ran away before that could happen. It had been ten years and Bowie had never loved another girl, had never had another serious relationship. He carried that broken heart everywhere. Maybe, he does know more about heartbreak than me because Harlyn didn’t choose to leave me and never come back but Hollis had.
After dinner I find myself outside, sitting under the tree in our yard. It’s already dark outside but I like the fresh air. Creed Eisenhower has lived next door to us for years, he comes walking out with a short Spanish girl. Her dark hair is pulled up into a ponytail and she’s dressed simple enough, but no one would ever forget Alivia Gomez. They’re talking as Creed walks Alivia to her car. “Alivia, do you really think Londynn is going to be okay?”
I see Alivia shrug “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell, she’s the world’s best at keeping an image. I never knew she had it so bad before. I hope she’s okay but Ryce needs to leave her alone and her parents need to let her live her life and stop giving her their playbook.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t imagine my parents telling me what to major in, who to marry and when. I mean literally nothing is her decision," Creed says while opening Alivia’s car door.
“We’ll just keep an eye on her," Alivia says.
So maybe this was some of the reason Londynn’s eyes have lost that sparkle. I couldn’t imagine the type of life they were describing either. It would be horrible. To not ever get to anything for yourself. However, that’s not Londynn’s entire secret, there’s more to it. I shouldn’t care but I do. I shake my head and head back into the house. Maybe, I need to go visit Harlyn tomorrow to try and get some perspective.
****
Londynn
Sunshine pouring through my room wakes me up. It’s early but I can’t go back to sleep, so I get up and head down for some breakfast. It’s been almost a week since I got home but I had yet to cross paths with my parents. Today I was not so lucky, sitting at the small kitchen table are my parents. As I enter my mom looks up from her tablet, “You really should make yourself look presentable before coming down, don’t you think?”
I guess it didn’t dawn on me that I needed to dress up to have breakfast with my parents. I shake my head because it seems like a ridiculous idea to me. This is the first time they’ve seen me since I got back and my mother’s first words to me are about my appearance and my father hasn’t even looked over or around his newspaper. I look down my shorts and t-shirt aren’t that bad. It’s what I slept in so I guess it’s a little wrinkled but who do I need to impress. I grab a granola bar and bottle of water and head back to my room.
I watch my parents leave from the window in my room. The hollow, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach is back. I feel just as lost and confused and unhappy as I did before. The only time since I got back that I’ve felt good or at least something close to it was the night of the races. Being with Jagger in his car and on the dancefloor had made me feel the happiest I had felt in a long time.
Ugh! I had to stop thinking about him. It was a waste of time. He’d never be accepted by my parents even if I did want to give it a shot. Besides, I was sure Jagger saw me as nothing other than a one-night stand. I had never had one of those, but I didn’t exactly care to try it out either. It just wasn’t who I was. I didn’t have anything to do today until one, so my morning was clear. One thing was for sure I wasn’t staying in this house until then.
Slipping on a pair of khaki shorts, white tank top and navy-blue cardigan to keep the crisp, approaching autumn breeze at bay and a pair of brown sandals. I slip a white headband in my hair and head out to my car. I turn up my radio and start to drive. I have no destination in mind, I’m just trying to escape from that feeling. Before I know it I’m in North Hills and turning into the cemetery. I guess I needed to see Vivienne.
I park and walk around until I finally find her headstone
. Seeing it makes it official. I didn’t get to attend her funeral since I was already gone by that time so seeing this makes it sink in. After a while of staring blankly at the headstone I sit down on the ground. Oh, what my mother would say now if she saw me sitting on the grass in my khaki shorts.
Clearing my throat, I start to talk Vivienne like she’s really here “You know I’m kind of mad at you for leaving me like this. You and Farrah have always been all I had family wise. You knew that. The house so cold and sterile without you. It makes me sick just walking into it. You always got that I didn’t belong there, but they don’t. It’s just me against them without you. And Ryce, don’t ever get me started on him. You were right, he’s just not who I believed he was.” A few tears slip down my cheeks, but I make no move to wipe them away. “I wish you were here. I could really use some of those homemade chocolate chip cookies and one of those Vivienne hugs. Oh, and advice! I could really use some of that Vivienne wisdom.”
When I finally get up from the ground I turn around and to my surprise I see Jagger. He’s standing in front of a headstone, with a bunch of daisies in his hands. His red t-shirt makes all the muscles in his chest and arms seem even bigger. My mind instantly thinks back to when I was standing in his arms while we danced. I can’t help but feel like this is some kind of sign from Vivienne, but Jagger seems lost in thought, so I turn around and head back to my car.
****
Jagger
I haven’t seen Harlyn’s grave since the day she was buried something about seeing the headstone with her name on it just made things surreal. Sometimes I find myself just acting as if she went out to grab something and she’ll come back but after a while it sets back in that she’s gone. I make my way to her and squat down with a bunch of daisies in my hands. “Hey angel, I’m sorry I haven’t been here in so long. I just didn’t know how, you know? You were always the smart one, not me, you were always the one who knew the right thing to do. I haven’t known the right thing to do in five years now, so I could really use some sign from you. My dad and Axell kept telling me I was running and lost. Of course, I denied it but their right. I’m so damn lost without you, without that life we planned. Sometimes I miss you so much that I literally can’t breathe so right now I need you to give some sign, some since of direction because you’re the only one who can angel. You’re it.” I stay there for a little while longer, fighting back the tears that burn my eyes.
As I’m getting ready to leave the sun catches the shine of honey colored hair. I watch as she walks away towards her red Audi, what in the world is Londynn Parrish doing in the North Hill cemetery? I start heading in her direction and holler out her name, she turns around a little stunned. I jog over to her and as I do I take a moment to appreciate those long, lean legs of hers. In that pair of shorts, they look like they go on for days. “Fancy running into you here," I say smiling at her.
“Yeah, I guess it is. I was just…visiting?” I know she was just telling me, but it comes out like a question.
“Me too but I figured you’d have your own private cemetery.”
She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. “Even if we did have that, who I’m visiting wouldn’t be there.”
“Why not?” I ask but I notice the change in her demeanor as she walks past me. I follow her, she stops in front of a head stone that reads ‘Vivienne Marie Green’. I look over at Londynn but she’s just staring ahead.
“Vivienne was a cook and housekeeper that my parents hired when I was like ten. She was really the only parent I’d ever had. She was like a grandmother that everyone loved. She made these chocolate chips cookies that just melted in your mouth and when you had a bad day she’d just pull you in for a hug. That hug could make everything in the world right again. It was warm and kind and full of love and she always smelled like brown sugar. But you never made her mad enough to say your middle name, if she did you were in big trouble. Vivienne and Farrah were all I had growing up and when Farrah left Vivienne protected me to no extent.”
A silent tear slips down her cheek and before I know it I reach out my finger to stop its trail. Her skin is warm and just as soft as I remember. She sets those big hazel eyes on mine and I can’t help but want to protect her too. At times she seems so broken then in an instant you can see that wall build back up and she’s so strong there’s no way to get it down. I get why Vivienne wanted to protect her, but I want to know what from. “Protect you from what?” I whisper.
She shakes her head and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “I should go” she says before stepping around me and heading back towards her car. A part of me wants to follow her but the other part of me gets the sense that she needs to be alone. I can’t help but feel like this is the start of something if our paths keep crossing like it’s meant to be.
Chapter 6
Londynn
As I park in the visitor section I take a deep breath while I stare up at the two-story white building that sits just off the water I feel myself start to calm. There is no act here, I don’t have to be perfect or keep my image. I can just be Londynn in there and that’s enough. As I’m getting out of the car Sadie comes strolling up to me with one of her patients, Lori. She’s a middle age lady who suffers from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Poor Lori is probably only about 115 pounds, but she insists that she weighs a ton. She actually ended up here because she exercised so much she gave herself a heart attack. I give her a hug “You look beautiful today Lori.” She blushes then waves her hand in a dismissive manner. “Hey Sadie.”
“Hey Londynn. You look very nice today. How are you feeling?” She asks. I don’t know how she does it, but she can read me so well.
I shrug as we start walking back towards the entrance “Honestly, I don’t know. Being back in that house with my parents…” I trail off and roll my eyes because I just don’t know how to explain it all.
Sadie reaches out and touches my upper arm “It’s okay Londynn. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Just keep working through it all. You’ll find the answers soon enough.”
She gives me an encouraging smile and I try to return it, but it doesn’t seem genuine. I mumble a thank you. As I make my way to Dr. Thorton’s office I find myself breathing in the ocean scent mixed with the smell of the lemon cleaner they use. It’s sad that this place which was meant to be sterile and cold was actually more like home to me than my own house was. I take a seat outside the office and wait for him to finish with his current patient. I check my phone and see a text from Alivia asking if I want to grab so frozen yogurt, I quickly tell her yes and set the time for two hours from now. I should be done and free by then.
A teenage boy steps out of the office followed by Dr. Thorton. He’s an older, round man with cheeks that stay rosy all the time. His big framed glasses don’t hide his kind blue eyes. His gray hair is thin and stays slicked back on his head. Dr. Thorton smiles when he sees me “Londynn, it’s so good to see you, please come in and have a seat” he says while motioning for me to enter the room. Once I’m seated in one of the two leather chairs, he sits behind his desk. “So, how are you feeling since you left treatment?”
He wastes no time getting to the point. That use to be one of the things I loved about Dr. Thorton, he never beat around the bush, he just dove straight in, head first. However, right now I wish he would have taken a little time and worked into his question. I’m not really sure how to answer that question and that’s the part I don’t want to admit. I don’t want to admit that I’m still confused. I don’t want to admit that I still crave my parents love and attention. I don’t want to admit that I still feel like I’m drowning sometimes. I don’t want to admit any of it, I could just paste on that smile I’ve used for years and I might even fool him but what good would that do?
An hour later and quite a bit of awkward silence later I’m in my car blaring Kings of Leon with my sun roof open heading towards the frozen yogurt shop. I’m trying to drown out my own thoughts with my favorite b
and but it’s not working very well. As I pull into the parking lot I know I’m early, so I call Farrah, maybe she can make me feel more connected than I do currently. However, she doesn’t answer so I decide that just waiting in my car is my best option. I’m scrolling through my phone when a knock on my window makes me scream, turning around I see Sadie. As I’m getting out of the car Sadie says “Dr. Thorton mentioned he was worried about you and I told him I’d check on you.”
“How did you know where to find me?” I ask.
She shrugs then laughs “I followed you. I probably could have gotten like five speeding tickets trying to catch up to you, but it was worth it.”
“You could have called me I would have told you where to meet me.”
“It’s okay besides Axell and the boys would have loved for me to get a speeding ticket. Ruin my perfect record plus it would really make me one of them," she says with a laugh. “So, want to tell me why Dr. Thorton is worried about you?”
“I’m sure he has his reasons but I’m fine," I tell her but the look she gives me lets me know she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. Hell, I don’t even believe a word I’m saying but if I start talking I’m afraid I’ll break, and I can’t do that.
Pedal to the Metal Page 5
