Because what they had both revealed probably meant they wouldn’t be having sex this weekend. But maybe they’d have sexy times.
Neither one of them had declared love to the other. It was both too early and too late for that.
In the past, when they were writing desk poetry, they’d shared those three words with each other. But the adults they’d grown into? Did that love remain? Or had it changed to something new and special?
It was too soon to tell.
Wasn’t it?
And of course, because they were both paranoid motherfuckers, if one of them said love, the other would suspect it might not be genuine, but lust inspired.
Because the lust was so fucking real.
She wanted him. And she could tell he wanted her.
But unparalleled lust did not equal love.
And both of them knew that.
Kip reached into the pocket furthest away for her and pulled out a folded piece of notebook paper. He held it for a moment before offering it to her.
“What’s this?” she asked, taking the offering.
“It’s my list.”
Her heart raced and her fingers tingled where it touched the paper.
“Don’t read it here,” he said. “Take it home with you. Read it when I’m not around.”
“Okay…” she replied slowly. “Can I ask why?”
He huffed a soft laugh and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Because I know how you are and you’ll want to analyze it without me around.”
“That’s true, actually. Which is scary that you know that,” she admitted. She tucked the piece of paper into her dress. Well, into her bra in her dress, close to her heart.
He rested his head on top of hers and she could feel his smile against her hairline.
The door to the room opened and Tessa’s mom stuck her head in.
“You two need to stop hiding,” she chastised. “We have company. Now come out here, and be respectful.”
Ten years ago, Tessa would have bristled at such instruction. Much the same way she felt Kip bristle beside her. But she wasn’t an easily manipulated child anymore.
She sat up straight and smoothed her dress over her thighs.
“Is dinner almost ready?”
Her mom lifted her chin. “It’ll be another hour.” Then she left the room leaving the door open. The sound of her clicking heels faded down the hall.
“Another hour?” Kip asked.
“Yeah, I’m starving.” Tessa looked to Kip and bumped his shoulder. “How about a cheeseburger?”
His eyebrows arched and his lips hinted a smile. “A cheeseburger sounds awesome.”
“Help me up, handsome,” she said, swinging her legs to the side and tucking them beneath her for leverage.
Kip jumped to his feet and offered both his hands which she accepted. He pulled her to standing and held onto her hands as they came face to face.
Tessa waited for him to say something.
But he didn’t. At least not with words.
And seeing as his words had always meant so much to her, it was extraordinary what his eyes were able to convey in that moment.
She bit her lip, trying not to grin.
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand, babe.”
She grabbed his hand and they left the room but didn’t go back the way they had come. Instead, she led him through the back of the house and out a side entrance.
“We’re just going to leave?” he asked in a whisper as they crept around the side of the house in the dark.
She looked back at him. “Would you rather stay?”
“No,” he answered readily.
“Then we’re going.”
She hurried down the grass slope towards the driveway knowing her Jimmy Choos would never be the same.
And not giving one damn about it.
***
KIP
He’d driven past this diner hundreds of times and not once thought to stop. It was just some vintage place for old timers to get eggs and coffee.
Or so he’d thought.
It was 50s retro to be sure, but there was a coziness to it he really didn’t see coming.
The smell of burgers, fries, and other greasy comfort foods hung in the air as Tessa led him to a booth.
The red vinyl covered benches squeaked when they took their seats.
Something about sitting across from a beautiful woman in a designer party dress in a diner where they probably served milkshakes with two straws had Kip laughing to himself.
“What’s so funny?” Tessa asked, scanning the laminated menu.
“Life,” Kip summarized quickly as the waitress stopped at their table.
“Did you just come from one of those fancy Hollywood parties,” the waitress—“Dot” as her nametag stated—asked with a smile.
“Dot.” Tessa set her menu down. “Can I get the biggest, cheesiest, greasiest burger you have?”
Dot smirked and wrote the order on her pad.
“Me too.” Kip waggled his eyebrows at Tessa.
“Milkshake and fries for you two?” Dot asked.
“Chocolate please.” Tessa beamed and Dot winked at her before walking away.
Oldies music filtered through the ceiling speakers, making Kip feel like he should be wearing a red jacket and a cigarette behind his ear a la James Dean.
“So.” Tessa planted her elbow on the table and her chin in her palm, giving him a serious stare. “Let’s talk about your folks.”
Kip shifted in his seat making it squeak conspicuously.
“I can’t believe we just left without saying goodbye. Aren’t you worried?”
She narrowed her eyes. “About what?”
“About anything?” he asked, his neck growing warm.
“I worry about tons of shit,” she said around a self-deprecating chuckle. “But my parents being pissed at me for leaving a situation they made uncomfortable on purpose? Not so much.” Her eyebrows rose, prompting him. “Now don’t avoid the subject.”
Kip’s eyes nervously skipped around the room. He didn’t want to talk about it. Not that he didn’t want to tell Tessa everything. Because he did. He wanted to share every thought he ever had with her for the rest of his life.
He just wished he didn’t have this to share. On more than one occasion in his life he’d wished it didn’t exist. It would have made things easier if he could just… not care.
“My parents...” Kip groaned and cleared his throat. His gaze finally landed on her. “You’re not going to like me very much after I tell you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Stop being dramatic and just tell me.”
“The reason you won’t like me anymore is because you’ll see what a wimp I am. That I still…let them get to me.” He tilted his gaze back to look at the ceiling, as if answers would rain down from heaven.
She blinked at him and something in those dark blue eyes, eyes that reminded him of sea depths and storm clouds made him stop running from it. For just a moment, he turned around and faced the one part of his life he hadn’t yet dealt with.
“I have zero clue what my father is like. The only time I ever spent with him was during holidays when he’d come home because the office was closed.” He crossed his arms on the top of the table. “My mom had me because she wanted a baby. It was just part of the image she wanted to present. It was trendy and a baby was just another accessory. Just another purse or bracelet or hat.” He ran his tongue over the front of his teeth, trying to get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth.
“My entire life was mapped out for me: this school, this university, this career, this wife, this house, and so on. I was reminded constantly that I was to follow the plan. I was to keep the Carter name respectable.
“I had no desire to be a lawyer. I liked to be outside. I liked to read fiction. I liked to listen to rock and roll.”
He rolled his eyes. Saying it out loud made it sound so silly. Even if the reality of it was terrifying to live through.
Mom was not to be tested. If he couldn’t follow the plan, then he would be persuaded.
That usually involved stripping his room of any kind of personal possessions. No colors, no posters, no toys.
“When I got sick, it was just another way I had disappointed them. I was a faulty model. They made sure I had medical care; it wasn’t like they were monsters. But at home I had to pretend like I felt fine. In front of friends and colleagues, I needed to be at my best. And if I couldn’t, then I was hidden away.
“I suppose that’s why it felt so normal to hide it from my friends.
“My mom’s entire life is one big façade—scripted, staged, bought, packaged, resold.
“Don’t get in the way of how she looks to the rest of the world because you will be sorry.”
“Did you get in the way?” Tessa asked softly.
He cleared his throat. “Yeah. More than once. Her rage is… something else…” he trailed off. A sick, smoldering sensation pressed against his chest from the inside. “I don’t go home anymore. Because no matter what, I will always fall short of their expectations. And after almost dying…” He paused and tapped his fingers on the table. “I know death is coming. And I don’t want to die unhappy.”
Tessa’s hands grabbed both of his and he glanced up at her.
“Okay,” she said, her eyes and voice filled with emotion. “Promise me you’ll chase it.”
“Chase what?”
“Life. Right to the very end.”
“Okay,” he agreed.
“Okay,” she said again and sat back in the booth, a determined look on her face. “I am sorry I pushed you to talk about it. It wasn’t my place. But you were wrong. I don’t dislike you at all. In fact, I admire you very much.”
Dot returned and set their burgers and fries down on the table, along with their milkshakes.
Both of them thanked her, and Tessa took one of her fries and dipped it into her milkshake.
“I will say this, though,” she said.
“What’s that?” Kip asked right as he bit into the biggest, juiciest burger he’d ever tasted.
“Your mom better hope I don’t see her on the street or I’m likely to hit her with my car.” She popped the fry in her mouth and dusted her hands on her napkin.
Kip choked and nearly spit his food across the table at her.
He glared at her as he tried to chew and cough at the same time.
She shrugged, a small, pleased smile on her perfect lips.
Adorable with an edge.
And his everything.
CHAPTER 16
Poems and tokens,
lists of things you like,
the far-off look in your eyes
when you aren’t searching for me-
pieces of you that became my home
before I was ever invited to stay
-Cristoforo Luca
TESSA
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
Tessa stopped shoving clothes into her bag and stood up straight. She tried to ignore the way her stomach turned over and didn’t right itself.
Kip didn’t really ever call her.
He sent texts.
She called him—or more accurately, she’d facetime him.
“What’s up?” she asked, trying not to sound worried.
They were supposed to be leaving for their weekend away in an hour. Which was why she’d been rushing around trying to pack enough without overpacking. And then she’d dumped her bag in a panic and tried to start over.
He cleared his throat.
“How do you feel about riding a motorcycle?” he asked with a small pause in between each word, as if he were choosing them carefully.
“I feel fine about it,” she answered in the same pace and tone as he had asked the question.
“Really?” he blurted with a nervous laugh.
“Uh, yeah.” She resumed packing. “I dated a guy a few years back who exclusively rode a bike. I couldn’t tell you the make or model, but I think it was black.” She stopped. “Why are you asking?”
“Because.” Kip sighed and she could tell he was pacing. “The bus broke down today and it’s not looking like it’ll be fixed until sometime next week.”
“Oh no!” she exclaimed. “I’m so sorry!” She knew how much he loved his little blue bus. No wonder he sounded so frustrated.
He sighed. “Thanks. But anyway, Adam’s taking a bike and he offered one of his for us to use.”
Tessa thought about the phrasing of that sentence. “How many bikes does Adam have?” she asked.
“A few. But I wanted to make sure you’d be comfortable first. Otherwise I can ask Bo—”
“No, it’s fine with me!” she reassured him, crossing her room and diving back into the pile of clothes on her closet floor. Because she definitely would not be able to wear the cute skirt she currently had on.
“You’re sure?” he asked. “It’s a six-hour drive…”
“Oof!” Tessa’s foot caught on the edge of her fluffy rug and she went down. Her phone shot out of her hand and clattered across the floor. “I’m okay!” she yelled after it. She didn’t want Kip to worry.
Scrambling to her knees she chased after the phone. Kip was laughing on the other end when she put it back up to her ear.
“I’m fine,” she reassured him.
“I’m glad,” he chuckled.
“A six-hour drive doesn’t bother me. I’m excited,” she said.
“I am too,” he replied thoughtfully. “I’ve never been to the mountains, so this will be…new.”
“Well, I will do my best to make this the best trip ever,” she promised.
“It’s not you I’m worried about.” He sighed. Before she could ask him why he said, “Couple trips are always dicey, you know?”
“Oh yes,” she agreed. “I went on a trip once with Spencer and Garrett. Never again. But if you want me to be ready to go when you get here, I have to get off the phone and pack.”
“You said you were packed last night.”
“Kip, dearest, I will unpack and repack again twice before you get here. Please don’t question the process.”
He chuckled. “Okay, Peaches. See you soon.”
She hung up the phone with a giant grin on her face. She loved it when he called her Peaches.
She tossed the phone on the bed next to her charger so she wouldn’t forget to (re)pack it, and then dumped her bag out again. A motorcycle instead of a bus changed wardrobe options.
She spotted her lacy black bra sticking out from under the bed and bent to retrieve it. When she stood back up, a page of notebook paper fell to the ground.
She stared at it, the memory rushing back and immediately filling her with guilt.
Kip’s list.
He’d given it to her days ago and she’d forgotten all about it. Though in her defense, there had been some pretty heavy making out when they’d returned to her apartment that night.
She’d gone to bed after he’d left, and stripped out of her dress and undergarments in the dark and collapsed onto her bed in a dizzy euphoria.
That boy could really kiss.
And with the rest of the week at work spent trying to make sure everything was covered for her to take Friday off, she’d completely blanked on the list.
Kip must have wondered why she hadn’t said anything.
“Well, crap.” She set the page on her dresser without opening it.
Pack first.
List second.
Suddenly deciding what she wanted to bring along was easier: jeans, tees, sexy bras and panties, yoga clothes (because let’s be honest, she was going on vacation with Kip. There was zero chance he’d let her have an entire weekend without yoga).
Her bag packed and by the front door and fresh cup of coffee in her hand, Tessa took the list out onto her small balcony to read it.
Mission statement: To live a life, not an impression of a life.
1) forgive my parents
&nb
sp; 2) swim in every ocean
3) visit every National Park
4) love her more
She took a deep breath, read it twice more, and then pressed the page to her chest.
He wanted to do so much more than she did, and yet his list was a fraction of the length of hers. The imbalance of their relationship weighed on her mind.
Kip was deep like an ocean basin, full of things terrifying and undiscovered.
And she was a floundering, sputtering mess who splashed around in his life.
Why he was wasting his time with her, she didn’t understand.
He could change the world if he were so inclined.
A small part of her, that little voice full of warnings, told her not to overthink it.
A knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts. She shoved the page into the pocket of her denim short shorts and ran to the door.
When she opened it and found Kip standing there with his trademark beanie and crooked smile, she couldn’t help herself. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he caught her around the waist. Their lips connected and shot fire straight to her belly.
Kissing had never been this good. And kissing was her favorite, so that was really saying something.
It must’ve had something to do with how he involved his entire body in the kiss, and encouraged her body to participate as well. It was mouths and hands and need, all happening at once.
His kisses lit up her world. As if her life had been in a slumbering darkness and his mouth was the rising sun.
***
KIP
He hadn’t been paying attention when they’d crossed the limit of his previous travels. In his mind he always thought it would be a huge deal for him to cross that line. But in reality, all he knew was the feel of her arms around him and her presence at his back.
They’d stopped at a gas station, just a couple more hours until they reached their destination.
Kip stepped outside and paused. Who knew there was such quiet amongst the mountains?
Sushi and Sun Salutations Page 17
