“Coffee?” he asked. His gaze flicked over the top of her head to Adam.
Adam cleared his throat and stepped aside. “So what’s the plan for today?” he asked, thankfully changing the previous subject.
“I was thinking maybe we could do some hiking?” Kip asked, filling both coffee cups. He handed one to Tessa who cradled it in both hands.
“You’ve learned by now that if you ask me a question while handing me coffee, I’m going to say yes,” she answered.
Kip grinned, savoring the vision of her with tousled hair standing in his shirt and her sleep shorts, holding coffee bright and early in the morning.
He used to pretend things like this would be possible someday. But he had no way of knowing how big it would feel when it actually happened.
***
TESSA
She really needed to stop agreeing to things.
All things.
Just. Stop.
No more.
She was done doing things for the rest of forever, beginning just as soon as she didn’t die on this mountain top.
“Oh my gosh, Tessa.” Kip tried to hold back his laughter. “You can open your eyes.”
“Nope. You’re trying to trick me and I won’t fall for it.” She squeezed her eyes shut even tighter and saw spots behind her eyelids.
She heard Kip’s movement on the rock beneath them and knew he had laid down beside her.
They’d gone hiking.
Well, “hiking” is what Kip had called it.
Tessa was going to be renaming it and also writing a tell-all. “Trek to Death: When Love Kills You.”
At one point, she had been climbing! With her hands!
Granted, it was because she couldn’t breathe and wasn’t willing to admit she needed a break.
Kip reached over and his hand found hers. He bent his elbow and held her hand to his heart where the gentle rhythm of his life brought her back to earth.
Slowly, she relaxed and opened her eyes to a canopy of perfect blue dotted with white, puffy clouds. The trees around them rose towards the sky, reaching for the sun like she had seen Kip do so many times on the beach.
Okay, maybe the elevation wasn’t as bad as she had made it out to be.
“You feel better now?” he asked, giving her hand a squeeze.
“Yeah,” she admitted. “I guess I was being a little dramatic.”
He chuckled and brought her hand up to kiss the back of it. “I would expect nothing less.”
“Can we just stay here for a minute?” she asked, her sore body crying out for pillows and blankets.
“Tired?” he asked.
“Aren’t you?”
He hummed in the back of his throat. “Yes and no.”
She twisted her head to look at him.
“Fatigue is something I have a different view on. There’s tired and then there’s treatment tired. But right now, I guess I just feel…alive.”
Tessa’s chest tightened as her heart swelled.
Was she part of that? Did she contribute to his feeling alive?”
Her eyes grew wet and she savored the bursting of her soul. If she could do anything for the rest of her life, it would be to make sure Kip felt alive for the rest of it.
“Oh,” he said, as if an afterthought had grabbed him. “I was offered a promotion at work. I think I’m going to take it.”
“A promotion? Aren’t you already manager?” she asked, not really privy to the inner workings of Soaring Bird at all.
“Clarke wants to join Mike on the road, and she offered me the position of Vice President of Operations.”
“Whoa, Kip,” Tessa breathed. “That’s incredible.”
He twisted his head to look at her and grinned. “Yeah, it kind of is.” He faced the sky again. Different emotions flickered over his features and she waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t.
“What would change from what you do now?” she asked.
“Not much. I mean, I’ll get a raise and I’ll probably work a few more hours a week. But it’ll be a regular career.” He huffed a humorless laugh. “Just like my parents always wanted.”
Tessa wasn’t sure what he meant by that. She wanted to press. Maybe she could press in a sneaky way.
“What did you think you’d be?” she asked.
“Oh, nothing really.” He shrugged. “Before I got sick I always thought I’d be a writer. Like a novelist.” He glanced her direction. “I have a bunch of stories already written.” He took a breath and smiled wryly, facing the sky again. “But then I got sick and… priorities changed.”
Tessa blinked rapidly and faced the sky as well.
None of what he just told her sat quite right in her chest. He was a writer. Through and through. She knew that just as well as she knew that there would be three women named Kelly (various spellings) on the next season of The Bachelor.
So why wouldn’t Kip want to pursue it?
“Have you thought about publishing?” she asked.
When a full minute passed and he didn’t answer, she twisted her head towards him. His face was pinched in thought. Before she could ask about it, he let go of her hand and hopped to his feet.
“I don’t know about you but I’m starving. We should get back.” He held out his hand to help her up, his expression unreadable.
“Yeah,” she agreed, taking his hand.
She followed him back down that mountain and couldn’t help but notice how he kept just enough steps in front of her to discourage conversation.
It stung.
In a way she hadn’t experienced with Kip.
It was a dismissal she’d experienced with others she’d dated, but hadn’t prepared for it with Kip. Not that it was the same, because it wasn’t.
Still, she found herself reflecting on their previous conversation the entire trek back. No matter how many times she went over it, she still didn’t understand.
He was a writer.
He used to want to be a writer.
So why wouldn’t he at least try it?
What would it hurt?
***
KIP
Despite his experience at avoiding certain topics of conversation, he realized early on that Tessa wouldn’t be like others in his life.
She wasn’t the kind of person to have an idea and let it go.
Especially if it was for someone she cared about.
It was one of the qualities he admired most about her. Her loyalty in the face of discomfort. Her dedication in the face of resistance.
But he didn’t want her to chase this idea.
Not this one.
He wanted her to let it go and never think about it again.
And he’d been mostly successful for a few hours.
But after dinner she cornered him in the study.
He could see it on her gorgeous face and deep blue eyes that he wanted to drown in. She was coming for him and everything he was. All of the good.
And all of the ugly.
And Kip realized he wasn’t ready for her to know all of it yet.
“Hey, can we talk?” she asked, folding her long legs beneath her into the corner of the couch.
He didn’t respond because he was afraid of how it would come out. So he just nodded.
“Are you upset with me?” she asked. “I mean, I wouldn’t normally ask, but it seems like you’ve been avoiding me since we got back.”
He swallowed and tried to force a laugh. “No, I’m not upset with you.”
She chewed on her bottom lip, contemplating how to address her concerns, and he disliked himself for putting her in this position.
“Tess,” he said, sliding down the couch to be closer to her. “I’m not upset. I just don’t want to talk about… that stuff. Not yet.”
“What stuff?” she asked. “The writing stuff?”
He tilted his head toward his shoulder as he shrugged slightly. “Yeah. I mean, no offense, but it’s not really any of your business.”
&
nbsp; She sucked in a deep breath and her face went blank.
But her eyes flashed with lightning.
“Okay, I’m just going to ignore that insensitive remark you just made and dive in,” she stated seriously.
Wait. What about that was insensitive?
“If you wanted to be a writer, why not go for it? You have so much talent and—”
“I don’t want to talk about this with you,” he cut her off.
“Why not?” she asked, her voice growing dark.
“Because you wouldn’t get it.” He went to run a hand through his hair and encountered his beanie. He pulled it off in frustration. “It’s not your fault you won’t get it, but it doesn’t change the fact that you just won’t.”
“So explain it to me.”
He rolled his eyes. “I really doubt that would help.”
“I want to understand. Help me,” she pleaded, reaching for his hand. “You have such an amazing talent.”
He shook his head as he stared at her.
“I don’t make plans for the future, Tess. For me, there was never going to be a future. I was happy just to live another day. Planning for a career and having a dream? Those were luxuries I wasn’t allowed. Even before I got sick, my parents had it all mapped out for me.”
His frustration morphed into irritation and he narrowed his eyes at her. “Why are you pushing this? I don’t question your livelihood choices.”
Tessa didn’t look the least bit offended. She shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t have a talent. I mean, I’m pretty good at falling down, but it’s more accidental than comedic. So I doubt it can be monetized.”
He sniffed a laugh. “Don’t be funny right now, I’m serious.”
“So am I,” she exclaimed. “You are so amazing and you’re good at this. You should do what you can with it. I know a couple people in the business. I’m nearly positive they’d love to meet with you.”
Kip shot to his feet and paced across the study. Why wouldn’t she just drop it? Why did she want to have this conversation? What gave her the right to it?
She was starting to sound just like them.
He stopped in front of her.
“That’s not why I write, okay. I don’t write so I can twist it and torture it into something that can make me money.”
“Then why do you write, Kip?”
Did she really not know?
“I write for you!” he declared.
She sat back, stunned. He ran a shaky hand through his hair.
“God, you sound just like them.”
“Excuse me?” she asked, deadly quiet.
“My parents. Or rather, the two people who take credit for my existence,” he amended with a snort. “They had friends and people, and they wanted so much more for me. They couldn’t just… let me be happy. I had to do it on their terms.”
He paced around the room, his stomach tying itself into a massive knot.
Of course, it couldn’t be as easy as falling in love and living happily ever after. Not for him. Nope. There was always going to be that moment when the universe rebalanced itself and kept him in his place.
“Is who I am not good enough for you?” he asked.
“What?” Tessa responded, alarmed. “No—”
“Because this is probably it, Tessa. What you see, what you know of me. This is it.” He exaggerated a shrug, throwing his arms to the sides and then letting them fall against his sides. “And it’s not glamorous. I have no messy ambitions. I’m happy with my quiet life. I’m happy with you.”
But not if she was going to ask him to be someone he couldn’t be.
“But if you need more… then you need to be honest about that. For both of us.”
Her mouth hung open and she blinked several times, searching for how to respond. In the back of Kip’s mind, he knew he was on the wrong track. He could feel the wrongness of what his emotions were pursuing in the moment.
But his fear had overpowered every good and sane thought. All he had now was the fear and it made him angry.
How dare she make him scared?
“Thank God for cancer,” he said thoughtlessly. “Seriously. Without that, they never would have gotten off my back,” he spat. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and those tests will come back positive and I won’t be so shiny to you either.”
“What?” Tessa asked.
He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck and glanced at her now blanched expression.
“Uh, yeah. What?” Adam said from the doorway. “And can I add ‘the fuck’ as well?”
Kip grimaced and looked between the two of them. “I didn’t—shit.”
“Cancer? You had cancer? Like, fucking cancer?” Adam asked, stepping in the room.
Kip moved away from him and ground his teeth together. “Well isn’t this just perfect?” he muttered.
Tessa stood. “Wait.” She held up one hand towards Adam and he stopped moving. But she didn’t take her eyes off Kip. “You’ve been waiting on test results and you didn’t tell me? Are you actually hoping for it to come back?”
“No.” He licked his lips and looked to his feet to get out of her sight.
“You would rather have cancer again than have a conversation with me about the future?” she asked calmly.
“See?” he threw a hand out. “I knew you wouldn’t get it.”
Tessa’s blue eyes were so dark they were nearly navy as they swam in her unspilled tears. Her hands visibly shook and she clenched them into tight fists.
“I’m not them,” she said, emotion straining her voice. Water spilled from both eyes at the same time when she blinked. “I have never been like those people.”
He stared at her.
“How dare you,” she said, forcing her voice to speak when it clearly wanted to cry. “How dare you take my love for you and compare it to that.” She swiped at the tears running unbidden down her face. “How dare you use your ghosts against me.”
She spun away from him and towards the door. A sob escaped her and she collapsed in on herself but Adam caught her. Kip took a step their way, but the thunderous look on Adam’s face stopped him.
“Come with me, baby,” Jess, seemingly waiting just outside the doorway, took Tessa in her arms and led her away.
Kip stared after her, trying to remember if breathing had ever been this difficult before. He rubbed his jaw with one hand and noticed it was shaking.
“One of these days, you’re going to have to let them go.”
Kip’s eyes darted to Adam. His normally confident and excitable features were drawn and tired. Disappointed. Worried.
“Do you really think so little of the rest of us?” he asked.
Kip frowned. “What? That’s not—”
“I’m sorry your parents were assholes. But we had your back. You’ve always been the heart of us. I wish you could have felt that.” He took a breath as he thought about his next words. “Cancer. Fucking cancer, dude. Fuck.” He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips and blew air out of his pursed lips.
“But it was years ago. It doesn’t even matter anymore,” Kip muttered.
“Yeah, for you,” Adam countered, his voice raised. “But for me it’s information that’s only two and a half minutes old. You’re gonna have to give me a minute to process. Shit!”
“What can I really do about it now?” Kip asked, his volume matching Adam’s. “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you all in to watch me hover between life and death to satisfy your voyeuristic urges.”
Adam screwed up his face in disgust. “You know, I don’t think it’s Tessa that doesn’t get it. I think it’s you. I think you view every relationship in your life through the filter of those two poisonous people who brought you into the world. Don’t you see it? They’re still ruining your life!” He punctuated each word of that last sentence by smacking the back of one hand into the palm of the other.
“You let them go, and boom! Your whole life opens up. You’d see you have the kind of friends that don’t ha
ppen by accident. You’d recognize that woman you just made cry as the most amazing human to ever touch your life.” Adam cocked his head arrogantly. “You’d apologize to her. To me. To the rest of the people who would literally die for you—dude, Steve would cut his own kidney out for you if you needed it—” Adam stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.
“I really wish everyone would stop telling me what to do,” Kip said.
Adam nodded thoughtfully.
Kip couldn’t be in the house anymore. He couldn’t be in the mountains and away from the sea and figure out what he was supposed to think.
He needed out.
Adam followed him into the entryway. “Are you leaving?”
“I just need some air. Can I have that?” Kip snapped.
A muscle jumped in Adam’s cheek but he didn’t respond.
Kip held his friend’s stare for a few more seconds. He wished he knew what to say. What to do to make things… different.
He wished he was a better man.
CHAPTER 18
he and his words
found aches in me
the b r e a k in me
in the end,
his words meant more
saw the depth
of lingering in my soul
knew the sharp edges of my love
and in the end,
his words left him
and me
-Tessa
TESSA
“Oh, sweetheart, you’re killing me.”
Tessa sucked in a startled breath and blinked hard in the low light.
“What?” she asked, her voice thick with sleep.
“Here, have some water. You need to wake up. Steve has been calling your phone.”
She took the glass of water from Adam and wondered why Adam was in their room. Where was Kip? She blinked her puffy eyes and it all came back to her.
She hadn’t been able to stop crying and so Jess had suggested taking a Valium. Tessa had thought that sounded like a good idea.
She must’ve fallen asleep right after that.
“Where’s Kip?” she asked, pushing her hair out of her face and trying to bring her vision into focus.
Sushi and Sun Salutations Page 19
