I glared at the window and let out a breath. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you.”
“Oh, you didn’t. But I also didn’t want to leave in case one of you needed me. I know, I mettle. It’s what I do.”
“Sometimes we need that. I like you, Mackenzie.”
She smiled softly. “I like you, too, Elise. Now, go find Dillon. Figure it out and talk with him. I know people say that all the time like it’s easy, and I know it’s not, but you can do it. And, Elise? You’re allowed to have a life. You don’t need to focus on just classes, on only your major. Because you already are, and you’re doing it brilliantly. But you need time to decompress. And between Dillon and us, we can make that happen.”
I let out a breath and nodded. “I should go see him.”
“He’s probably on his way to the boys’ house now. Go.”
She helped me up and wiped my face. “And maybe add a little concealer.”
That made me laugh, and I held her close, wondering how I could rely on so many of my friends so quickly. Maybe I was overwhelmed, but it wasn’t their fault.
I needed to apologize to Dillon and ask why he’d had such pain in his eyes. I had a feeling it had nothing to do with me.
Chapter 15
Dillon
* * *
I flung the back door open as I stomped into the house, my hands shaking. Why was I so fucking angry? Elise was allowed to want her space. It wasn’t like I needed to be next to her at all times. But hell, why did I feel like she had punched me in the gut instead of just talking to me?
Pacey stood in the kitchen and frowned as I walked by. “What’s wrong, Connolly?”
“I do not understand women.” I practically snarled the words and did my best to calm down. I didn’t like being on edge, and yet I couldn’t seem to pull myself back from it.
Pacey blinked and took a moment to respond. “I was under the impression, at least according to your brothers, that you understood the complexity that is women. You’re the one who helped them in their relationships. It’s your thing.”
I was tired of that being thrown in my face. How young and naive I’d been when I thought I could help my brothers with the seemingly obvious. “I was wrong. Or maybe I just understand their women. I don’t get anyone that I’m supposed to be with. Not that I know I’m supposed to be with Elise because, according to her, that’s not the case.”
Pacey set down his coffee. “What happened with you two?” He paused. “Wait. When did this occur? I thought you were at the library. Did you stop at her house? Or call her?”
“Why do I feel like you know where all of us are at all times?” I asked, a little concerned.
Pacey waved a hand in the air. “I see all, and I know all. At least that’s what I want you to think.”
Sadly, not even Pacey’s humor could bring me back from the brink of insanity at the moment, so I answered his other question. “I left the library and figured I should stop by since I was close. We haven’t talked much, and…fuck it. I just wanted to see her face. But, apparently, that was too much.”
“What happened?”
I ran my hands over my hair. “I don’t know. One minute I was asking if she wanted to study or sit and talk, and the next, she said everything was too much, and she couldn’t deal with it. That she needed to focus on school and anything but me. I don’t know what the fuck I did wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Pacey said, sighing. “At least, I don’t think you did.”
“That’s very comforting. Thank you,” I said dryly.
“I do my best. Now, do you know what this could be about? Because we both know Elise isn’t the type of person to end things with you in such a way as to hurt you.”
That Pacey knew that about her as well as I did, comforted me at the same time it cut because Elise had pushed me away. “I don’t know. School? Her family? I don’t fucking know. Because she’s not talking to me.”
Pacey’s gaze didn’t leave mine. “And did you tell her about what’s going on with you?”
I froze, unnerved. “I haven’t had the chance.”
“If you would’ve had the chance today, if she hadn’t been going through her own shit and hadn’t decided that she needed time or whatever the hell happened, would you be speaking to her right now about it?”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” I whispered, and the idea that I wasn’t sure shamed me.
“It seems that she isn’t the only one who needs to talk about her issues. If she has issues to begin with.”
I scowled. “You’re not very helpful.”
“I’m immensely helpful. You just don’t want to hear what I’m saying. Because it’s difficult.”
“I hate you sometimes.” I set my bag down on the table behind me and sighed. “Not really. Shit. I don’t know what I’m doing, Pace.”
“Well, as I usually don’t know what I’m doing yet am excellent at faking it, come sit next to me and tell me all.”
“There’s nothing to tell. She needs space, and I’m going to give it to her. It doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“And why does she need space?”
“I don’t know,” I grumbled. “I guess everything’s too much? I have no idea. She’s not talking to me.”
“Okay, she’s not doing that, and you asking her isn’t getting it done. Give her the space she requested. The peace she needs. She’ll come to you when she’s ready.”
I shook my head, hope spurting and dwindling at the same time. “Will she?”
“You have to hope so. And while you’re waiting, you need to figure out what you want.”
“I guess that’s easier said than done,” I grumbled and leaned my head against the wall. “I wasn’t expecting her, Pace.”
“No one ever expects the good ones,” he mumbled. I frowned at him. “Have you ever been in love?” I asked and winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that aloud. I mean, you’re welcome to tell me, but I’m not going to force you.”
“I should ask the same of you, then,” Pacey said, neatly dodging my question. I let him, however. I didn’t need to pry.
“No, I haven’t. I’ve dated, as you well know, but I haven’t been in love.”
“And why do you think that is?”
I snorted. “Are you my psychologist today?”
“If I have to be.”
“As I told Elise before, we’re twenty years old. Not everyone is going to find their soulmate or fall deeply and passionately in love when they’re our age.”
“You’re right. They aren’t. But they could. My parents did.”
That was the first real gem of information I had ever gotten from him. For all Pacey liked to speak about being open and communicative, he never told us anything profound about himself, other than the fact that he’d been raised in Europe and had lived in the US for a few years.
“I know this is hard,” Pacey began. “But give her a moment to breathe and think and then talk it out. If neither of you is ready for something serious, be open about it.”
Why did the thought of walking away twist something inside of me? We weren’t supposed to want more than we had, and yet that wasn’t entirely true. Since the beginning, we’d lied to ourselves regarding what we wanted and kept creeping forward. Now, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back to a time when I wasn’t near Elise. When she wasn’t part of my daily life and thoughts.
“Hell, I’m not good at this.”
“Most people aren’t. That’s why it takes communication, as I said.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “And I guess that means I need to tell her about what’s going on with Dave.”
Pacey nodded. “You do. I thought you would have before this, honestly.”
I sighed. “I haven’t been able to. Elise hasn’t been talking to me. I was going to bring it up with her today, but it didn’t exactly work out.”
The other man studied my face before giving me a quick nod. “Then tell the gi
rls, or I can tell Nessa.”
“You and Nessa?” I asked, raising a brow, intrigued.
“No, we’re just friends.” His gaze shot off into the distance for a moment, and I had to wonder if what he said was accurate.
Pacey pulled out his phone, checked the doorbell camera, and grinned. “I think it’s time for you to answer the door.”
I stiffened. “I hope to hell that grin means it’s not Dave.”
Pacey’s face sobered. “I would not be grinning or answering the door if it was him. We’d be calling the cops.”
“Is it Elise?” I asked, afraid yet desperate that it was.
“Of course. Now, go get her. The house is empty because I’m heading out. That will give you guys some privacy.”
“You’re sitting in here, barefoot, drinking coffee. You don’t need to leave on my account,” I said as I headed towards the front door.
“Oh, don’t worry, I can drink my coffee outside. Or anywhere. I just need to find my trainers. Good luck, and don’t fuck up.”
I rolled my eyes at that but oddly felt better. At least, I hoped so. I didn’t know what I felt about Elise, but it was enough that I wanted to know more. I was just afraid that she would get hurt in the bargain. And I didn’t know what to do about that.
I opened the door and met her gaze. She looked at me, her lower lip wobbling for a minute. I reached out for her, and she sank into my hold. Her body molded to mine as her arms tightened around my waist. It felt as if she were home, that I was home. And I couldn’t stop the emotion from pouring out.
“I’m so sorry,” we both said at the same time, and I let out a rough chuckle.
“Elise,” I whispered.
“No, let me,” she mumbled against my chest before pulling away. “I’m having a rough week, and I’ve been a jerk. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do about anything, but I shouldn’t have treated you like I did.”
I shook my head and then kissed her brow. “I shouldn’t have walked away so quickly.”
“We’re not good at this, are we?” she asked softly.
I wanted to hold her forever, but I knew we should take a breath and at least get out of the doorway. “Probably not. Come inside. We can talk.”
“I thought that was my line,” she said.
“Maybe, or perhaps we should both actually talk.”
I pulled her inside, then closed and locked the door behind her. Once we were safely in the house, I kissed her softly on the mouth. She sank into me, wrapping her arms around my waist once again. I felt as if this was what I’d been waiting for all week. The moment she touched me, I felt fulfilled.
“I’m sorry for leaving. There are a few things I need to talk to you about, and I think they got all tangled up and I looked for an excuse to walk out.”
“What is it?” she asked. “What’s wrong, Dillon?”
I shook my head. “You first. Because I have a feeling that I’m going to need a drink after I talk about mine.”
“We’re a pair, aren’t we?” She bit her lip, and I wanted to lower my head and lick away the sting. I restrained myself. Barely.
“Maybe,” I whispered.
“Can we go to your room?” she asked and blushed. “Not for that,” she said, laughing. “Only because I want privacy.”
“We can. We have the whole house to ourselves, though. Pacey made sure of that.”
“But you have four roommates with keys. And I think Mackenzie has one, too.”
“She does, and since she helps with our grocery shopping because Sanders sucks at it, I don’t mind.”
“And you’re okay that I’m not ready for a key yet?” she asked carefully.
I snorted, and she narrowed her eyes. “I’m not laughing at the idea of you with a key. I find it humorous that you and I both keep falling into a trap where we compare ourselves to Sanders and Mackenzie, who have been dating since they were in diapers. We don’t need to compare ourselves to them or anyone.”
“I guess that means it’s a no on the key. And for that, I’m grateful. And no, you’re not getting a key to the girls’ house.”
“That is just fine with me.”
As we walked up to my bedroom, I held her hand, remembering the first time we had done this and how nervous yet excited I had been. The nerves that I held this time were far different, and I wondered what would happen once we finished talking to one another.
“Talk to me,” I said as I pulled her onto the bed with me. We tumbled into one another, moving to sit against the headboard. She snuggled against me, and I was grateful. We could see each other’s faces if we turned a bit, but for now, we could speak while just listening to each other’s breathing. And maybe that was good. I didn’t know if I could tell her everything if I had to see her face.
“Dinner with my parents went off like I expected. With a bit of a twist.”
I stiffened, forcing myself to relax my hold so I wouldn’t hurt her. “How?”
“They went on and on about my major and how I wasn’t good enough, how I wasn’t making the right decisions...and it got progressively worse as the night went on.”
“I’m sorry. You didn’t need to deal with that.”
“No, I didn’t. And it got me all twisted up, and then Mom started talking about you.”
I blinked and pulled away slightly so I could look at her. “What?”
“I didn’t tell her I was dating anyone, mostly because it’s none of their business and I didn’t want them to overreact when I already had enough to deal with. But Mom could find no other reason for me to be distracted, so she made up this guy I was dating. The fact that you’re real wasn’t lost on me. She went on and on about how I needed to look out for myself and not let a man lead me or change my ambitions. She was mean about it, and it somehow got twisted up in my head that the reason this semester has been hard and that I’m doing too much or can’t keep up is because I’m with you.”
I swallowed hard, my stomach twisting. “Oh?” I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say to that, so I leaned back and listened.
She shook her head, tears falling again. “I hate fucking crying,” she grumbled, and I leaned down and kissed the tears from her cheeks. “It’s fine. You’re allowed to cry.”
“It’s just because I’m angry. At her. At myself. But not at you. I may be overextending myself and trying to do everything, but that’s not your fault. We have time with each other and with others, and I hope I’m not taking up all of your spare time either. But you’ve never pushed me into anything that I didn’t want. Yet, somehow, I let my mother make me think differently for a second. Maybe it’s because I wanted to because I was scared. I don’t know, and that’s something I need to figure out. But I didn’t need to lash out at you today in the process. Nor did I need to make you feel like anything but who you are—and that’s someone I care about. That I enjoy spending time with.”
“I see,” I said, relaxing and yet tense all at the same time. Mostly because I had no idea what I wanted, and ultimately, I couldn’t help but like what I had right here, especially in my arms.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, Elise, but I enjoy spending time with you. And I’m not going to stifle your ambitions or stand in the way of what you want. You only need to tell me what you want so I can make sure I’m not stepping on your toes.”
“You’re wonderful, Dillon. I was all twisted up inside for reasons that had nothing to do with you, and yet your face was the one that ended up getting twisted up in all those thoughts. I’m sorry.”
“You’ve apologized, and there’s nothing else to apologize for. Other than on my account.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
I explained to her about Dave and about what’d happened at the bar. She paled, staring at me. “Are you okay?”
“I am. Well, as okay as I can be when I’m dealing with the dumbass that is my father.”
“You don’t have to call
him that. You can call him by his name or any number of horrible nicknames. You don’t have to call him your dad or your father.”
I frowned, studying her face. “Why?”
“Because the corners of your eyes tense, and your whole body stiffens whenever you say that. And I can usually tell when you’re thinking of him in that fashion. It’s hurting you. You don’t need to call him by a title he’s never earned.”
And right then, I knew I was falling in love with Elise. And that was going to be a fucking problem.
“I don’t even know what to call him. It’s just easier to use that so people understand the twisted connection rather than just using a man’s name. I use Dave around my brothers and roommates now. I get it. I just don’t know what to do.”
“I get that.”
“So, there’s something that we’ve all been worried about, and I need you to be safe.”
She nodded as I explained to her about how my brothers were worried that my dad might show up anywhere that I had been.
“Do you think he’s following you to find out where I am?”
“I honestly don’t know. We’re not posting pictures on social media, so it’s not like he can follow us around. But he could be taking that beat-up truck to follow me to you. I just want you to be aware. Okay?”
“Do you think he could hurt you? Us?” she asked, her voice filled with fear and worry.
“No. I don’t know. I don’t know him. And that’s why we’re all worried. My brothers and sisters-in-law are all taking steps to ensure that they’re safe, and I just want you guys to make sure you keep the security system on, and your doors locked.”
“We always do. We’re a group of women living near a college campus.”
“Now you have one more thing to worry about,” I grumbled. “I’m sorry about that.”
She reached up and brushed her fingers along my jaw. “Don’t take this on. It’s not on you.”
“Sure as hell feels like it.”
My One Night: An On My Own Novel Page 15
