by Zizi Cole
I stood up and followed him into his office. It was decorated in dark colors. The walls were mahogany paneling. The desk was also mahogany. The carpet was a beige color. There was a couch and two chairs that were a dark brown leather. This guy definitely liked dark colors. In the corner, he had a huge fern in a chocolate brown pot. The walls were decorated with degrees and certificates he had earned over the course of the years. I found it that interesting that he didn’t have any kind of prints or pictures with any important people in them. I thought all therapists had at least one picture of them shaking hands with a governor or something.
“Please be seated, Ms Cooper. I am Doctor Fields. I want you to make yourself as comfortable as possible. Remember, anything you say here stays here between us. I want you to think of this as a safe environment,” Dr Fields explained. He had a deep bass voice. He spoke carefully and precisely like he was afraid I wouldn’t be able to understand what he was saying otherwise.
“So, if I were to tell you that I shot someone in cold blood, you wouldn’t tell anyone?” I asked with a grin. I sat on the far side of the couch, away from him. If he asked me to lie down I was going to get up and walk out of the room.
“Ms Cooper, if you admit to a violent crime like murder, I am under obligation to file a report with the proper authorities,” he answered grimly.
Okay, I guess he wasn’t one to take a joke. That was fine with me because I didn’t intend to do a whole lot of joking here. I was going to try to do what I needed to do without giving away my secrets. He couldn’t know what really happened, no one could.
Dr Fields leant back in his chair and crossed his left leg over his right. He picked up a recorder and set it on a table next to his chair. “I am going to record our sessions. It helps me to be able to go back over it later when I make my notes and observations in your file. I hope you do not have a problem with that.” He turned on the recorder after I shrugged. “Now, how about you tell me what happened leading up to the death of your parents.”
I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. “Okay,” I started in a small voice. “It was a Thursday and it was raining. We had finished up dinner. Momma had put the dishes in the dishwasher while I put away leftovers. Daddy was in his office going over papers for the case he had the next day. I’m not sure what kind of case he had. He didn’t like to talk about work when we were having family time. In fact, he never talked about work. He would shut himself in his office if he had anything he had to get done before the next morning.”
“Anyway, we got the kitchen cleaned up and watched TV for a while. I don’t remember exactly what we were watching. One of Momma’s shows. It was either a cooking show or some kind of forensics show. I started getting tired. I had to be up early the next morning so I could drive to the city for an interview. I went upstairs and went to bed.” I hesitated at this point. I had to be really careful while telling the rest of the story. I couldn’t let anything slip that they didn’t know already. Things that would make me a monster. “I woke up to Momma screaming so I hurried into their room and she was dead. There was blood everywhere. I ran to Momma’s side and she was cold. Her throat…”
I shuddered at the memory, and tears streamed down my face. How was this supposed to be helpful? Reliving the nightmare of that night didn’t seem therapeutic to me. It seemed like torture. Was this my punishment for what I did?
“Okay, Alexandrea. Take a deep breath. What about your mother’s throat?” Dr Fields coached softly.
“It was… it was… it looked…” I stuttered. I took a deep breath and a sob escaped. “It looked like it was ripped out. I rushed to her side and tried to stop the bleeding. I put my hands on her neck and started screaming for Daddy. He didn’t come. She was already gone, though. I ran downstairs and found Daddy in his office. He was dead too, so I called 9-1-1.”
I killed them. I added silently. I grabbed a tissue off the table and wiped my nose and tried to dry my eyes. The tears wouldn’t stop coming. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Dr Fields sat there and watched me cry. He made no move to stop me or comfort me.
After I finally got myself under control, Dr Fields spoke. “So, Alexandrea, tell me. How have you been sleeping? Have you been taking care of yourself?”
“I’ve been sleeping as well as anyone could in my situation, I guess. I have nightmares, but I figure that’s normal.”
“How about taking care of yourself, Alexandrea? Are you eating properly, showering, and getting out around people? During this stage in the grieving process, it helps to be around people you know and care about. It is not healthy to be alone all the time.”
I shrugged. “For the most part, I am taking care of myself. I eat if I’m hungry. I get out of bed, shower, and get dressed. But honestly, Doc, I’ve been gone so long, I don’t really have anyone anymore except my cousin. I haven’t seen her; I know she’s busy. I don’t want to be a burden.”
“You should go see your cousin. Start a hobby. Do things to take your mind off of what happened. You have been through things most people only imagine.”
I shrugged again. “Yeah.”
“Here’s what I’m going to do. I‘m going to write you a prescription for something that will help you sleep. Take one pill at bedtime. Only take it if necessary. You made good progress today, Alexandrea. We are going to end the session a little early and I will see you next week. Next week I want to try to get into more detail about what happened.”
I left his office in a daze and decided that I was going to walk down to the diner on the corner. I figured that I could use a shot of coffee before I drove back home. That session was brutal. I didn’t expect him to go straight for the throat and start with the night my parents died. I would have to prepare myself better next time. Next time I wasn’t going to break down and cry like a freaking baby. No fucking way. I had to get my shit together. That was embarrassing.
I looked around at the buildings. Growing up, I had always hated this town. It was too small, nothing exciting ever happened. I would spend countless hours planning and daydreaming about getting out of this place. Now, I appreciated the small-town feel. I loved the close-knit community. The town had so much flair and enthusiasm. It was the beginning of fall and there were fall themed wreaths on every light pole. The doorways of most of the business had pumpkins sitting beside them.
The people I passed on the street were giving me a wide berth as if they weren’t sure what to say to me since they knew my parents had been murdered in our home. Our safe little town didn’t seem so safe when I thought about it. The police had determined it was an isolated incident and they didn’t expect that the criminal was going to strike again. They had determined it had been a result of my father’s job. I knew better. But I was keeping that to myself. There were a lot of things I was keeping to myself these days.
A chill ran down my spine. I felt like I was being followed. I turned and looked around. There was no one behind me. I looked up and down the street. People were window shopping, talking, and strolling around. There wasn’t anyone paying any attention to what I was doing. I turned back and walked to the diner door. I still had the feeling someone was watching me. I paused at the door with my hand on the handle. I looked around again, still not seeing anything. I had to be going crazy.
I entered the diner and sat on the stool at the end of the counter closest to the cash register. The owners had recently redone the diner to look like it did back in the fifties. It had a black and white tile floor and the booths and stools were all red plastic. I loved the décor in the diner. They had made it look like an old soda shop.
I watched the waitress behind the counter. She had long, pitch black hair pulled back into a ponytail. She was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a red apron over it. Her face was heart shaped. Her features were delicate. She reminded me of a pixie. As she turned to face me her turquoise eyes caught my blue ones and she smiled at me. She had a bright smile with bright red painted lips.
“It’
s about time your bitch ass shows up in my diner. I thought I was going to have to come to your house and pull you out of there by your hair.” Mia laughed. Then she looked at me knowingly and said, “We have to talk.”
3
I looked at Mia with tears in my eyes. She was the one person I knew I could trust with almost anything. She had always been my strength, my rock. She was my best friend and had been since we were babies. We were also cousins. We were the same age so we had gone everywhere together. We had matching tattoos of the infinity symbol on the inside of our wrists. Our friendship would surpass time and go on forever.
“Yes, we do,” I whispered through my tears. “I missed you, Mia.”
She reached across the counter and gave me a quick hug. Then without another word, she made me a cup of coffee. With a wink, she added a splash of vodka to the coffee. That was my girl. She always knew what I needed. She would know that it wasn’t enough alcohol to get me drunk. Hopefully, it was enough to settle my nerves.
“Let’s go to my office,” Mia said. She turned to the order window. “Cara, get out here and cover for me, please.”
As soon as the girl came out of the kitchen, Mia led me into her office. I hadn’t realized that she had taken over the diner completely. I knew that after graduating high school she had started working at the diner during the day while taking business classes in the evening. She had always wanted to run the diner, but only after she had seen the world. She wanted to explore her Italian roots more before she had to grow up. Unfortunately, that hadn’t happened. She had to take over the diner after her father had fallen ill, and he had insisted that she keep running it after he got better.
We sat in her office and I sipped my coffee. I wasn’t sure what she was going to tell me, but by the look on her face, it wasn’t going to be something pleasant. She fiddled with the papers on her desk. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to rearrange them or just keep her hands busy. The very fact that she was fidgeting was bad. She noticed I was watching her hands and she immediately put the papers down. She sat on the edge of the desk.
“Lex, I need you to be completely honest with me about something,” she started. “I know you would never lie to me, but remember, I know when you’re lying.”
“What are you trying to say to me, Mia?” I asked irritably. I had a knot in my stomach. I was afraid of where this conversation was going to go.
“What happened when your parents died?” she blurted out. She was looking me dead in the eye. “I know what the stories are. I know the police say it was about your dad’s job. But, seriously? I know something is seriously wrong. I can tell you aren’t sleeping. Hell, girl, I can see the bags under your eyes. I know you saw them after they were killed, but what aren’t you saying?”
I wasn’t sure what to say to her. I knew this wasn’t the time or place to discuss what happened. I also didn’t know if I should tell her what happened. What if she turned from me? Then I would lose my family and everyone I love completely. I opened my mouth to tell her what I had told the police and therapist.
“Don’t! Do not feed me bullshit, Alexandrea Marie Cooper! I can see the lie on your face and I want to know the truth!” Mia exclaimed.
“Not here, Mia. Not here,” I whispered. She pulled me into a tight hug.
“I love you, Lex. No matter what,” she whispered in my ear before letting me go. She kept a comforting grip on my hands. “Come to my place after my shift. I’ll fix dinner and we can really talk. We have to talk about this, Alexandrea. It isn’t something we can avoid. We are in this together. No. Matter. What.”
Mia’s words made me feel a little better. Maybe I could tell her what kind of monster I was. Maybe she wouldn’t leave me to fend for myself. Hopefully, she wouldn’t turn me into the police for what I did. Maybe. Just maybe. That little spark of hope lit inside me. I didn’t realize how dark my soul had been until that moment.
***
Later that evening, I was sitting at the table in Mia’s little cottage. She had a little three-bedroom house that she had bought when she took over the diner. It was perfect for her since it was within walking distance to the diner. We were sitting in the kitchen, which was done in sunny warm colors that you couldn’t help but feel happy looking at. The walls were a pastel yellow. The floor was white tiles. There were daisies on the curtains hanging on the window over the sink and over the window in the door. The table sat in front of a huge bay window. Her expansive gardens were visible through the bay windows. There were fruit trees and a vegetable garden that would make any farmer jealous.
She had made spaghetti with homemade sauce for us. I wasn’t completely certain that the noodles weren’t made from scratch. She served a fresh salad and garlic bread, which she’d made earlier, on the side. I sat there twirling my spaghetti on my fork laughing at some kind of offhand comment she had made. The atmosphere was light, but the tension in my stomach told me that I wasn’t going to like the conversation that was to come.
She sat down and poured both of us a glass of wine. I knew I was going to need it after this talk. She looked at me and her eyes became serious. “Okay, Lex, I need to know what’s going on. I am seriously worried about you. For one, I know you aren’t eating or sleeping. I also know that you haven’t been seen in town unless absolutely necessary. I also know you’ve been avoiding me. What I don’t know is, why? Why the cloak and dagger routine? Why avoid everyone you know? What are you keeping to yourself that you’re so scared to say? I can see the demons in your eyes.”
As Mia talked, I felt goosebumps raise up on my arms. I suppressed a shiver. She knew. She saw the monster I had become. She was waiting for me to say something, but I wasn’t sure I could say it. Admitting to what I did, what I was, was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. Well, one of the hardest things. I watched her for any signs of apprehension or doubt. All I saw was calm, acceptance.
“I killed my parents!” I blurted out. I slapped my hands over my mouth. The only way I knew that I had even said anything out loud was that I saw Mia's eyes widen slightly.
“What do you mean you killed your parents?” Mia asked carefully.
“I tore my mother’s throat out and then went downstairs and stabbed my father in the heart!” I exclaimed. I started to shake. Mia got up and took me by the arm gently. She led me to the living room and sat on the couch with me.
“You couldn’t have killed your parents, Alexandrea. It’s not possible. You adored them. You would never do anything to hurt them. Why do you think you killed your parents?” she asked quietly.
“I did. I took a knife and slit my mother’s throat. Then I went downstairs and stabbed my father in the chest while he was sitting in his office chair. I remember doing it.” I shuddered at the memory. “I was covered in their blood. Before Momma died she whispered that she loved me. How would I know that if I didn’t kill her?”
“I know you didn’t kill your parents, Alexandrea. According to the police, your father was killed first. After he was attacked, the killer went upstairs and murdered your mother. It wasn’t the other way around. They haven’t figured out how or why you weren’t killed as well. But I can tell you right now, Alexandrea Marie Cooper, you did not kill them. I want you to stop thinking that right now.” Mia had nothing but confidence in her turquoise eyes. There was not a shadow of a doubt behind them.
“How can you know that I didn’t?” I whispered. “I can still see myself plunging the knife into my daddy’s heart. I can feel the resistance as it broke through his skin. I know I did it. I’m a monster. A monster that murdered her parents.”
“I don’t know how you can remember that. I am telling you I know you didn’t do it. You don’t have the sequence of events right for one,” Mia said, then added, “I saw it happen.”
“WHAT?!?!” I screamed. Then more quietly I asked, “What do you mean you saw it? You weren’t there. Mia, I haven’t seen you since I got back into town two months ago.”
She sighed. She looked down i
nto her wine for a moment. She took a long, slow drink. “You’re going to think I’m crazy. I sometimes think I’m crazy. And you aren’t going to like what I have to say, but I have visions. I wasn’t there when they died, but I saw it. I also know that he knew you were there. He went into your room before he went into your parent’s room. He watched you sleep for a minute before he went in to kill your mother. I’m not going to go into all the details. I can’t stand to think about it, but you didn’t kill them. I didn’t see his face either. All I could see was a black shadow.”
Mia took a deep breath. “Now, before you ask, I’ve been having visions for years. At first, they were just something that was going to happen the next day, like tests at school. Then as I got older, they changed. I knew when major things were going to happen. I knew that Dad was going to get sick. That’s why I was prepared to start working at the diner. That’s also why I told you I couldn’t go with you like we had planned. I knew. I also knew that eventually you and Jake would both move back to town. I just didn’t know exact dates. But I had the vision of your parents dying as it happened. Not before. If I would have known before, I would have done everything in my power to stop it.”
She was trying to hide the tears that were filling her eyes. I hugged her. I knew she loved my parents. They were her aunt and uncle. She would have done whatever she could to protect them. I was having a hard time believing that she saw their deaths, but deep down I knew that she did. She knew too many facts. Facts that there was no way she could have known otherwise.
I pulled back and looked her in the eye. “How do you know what the police know? You said they knew that Daddy was killed first and then Momma. How did you know that?”
