“Noah,” Emery’s words swam on the page as her tears filled her eyes, “I’m so sorry.”
“You had no problem just leaving me, after everything?”
“I…” She never thought she would see Noah again, but she was going to put it all out there. “I had to, Noah. I thought he found me and I couldn’t go back, not after knowing that people like you existed. I didn’t want you involved in my mess. You fixed me. You made me better. You helped me understand that I could be better. You showed me that there was something out there for me besides pain. When I was with you in Nashville, I was happy, and then it all slipped through my fingers. I had to leave the only thing that put a smile on my face every day and I had to start over. I had to…”
Noah put his hand on Emery’s, attempting to comfort her. He’d always wanted to make her feel okay. “I know. Rachel showed me all the letters you wrote me.”
“She what?!” Emery started to feel betrayed, but then she just shrugged because she didn’t feel anything anymore. “It was hard, Noah. I didn’t want to know anyone because I didn’t want to lose them again. Losing you was harder than what he did to me. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I’m fatal to anyone I’m near. That’s why I’m here by myself.”
“You don’t know anything,” Noah said, sadly shaking his head and looking at their hands, now intertwined.
“I’ve lost more than I’ve ever had, Noah. Every time I try, I lose, and I lose more every time.”
“You can’t give up, Em. You’re better than that.”
“No, Noah,” Emery turned her head so that she couldn’t see his face, “I’m not.”
Noah nodded. “I’m married,” he blurted.
Another smile came immediately to her face. “I saw that,” she pointed at his ring. “I’m happy for you. You deserve it. You helped me when you didn’t have to. You allowed me to realize that not all males are like him. So who is the lucky lady?”
“Do you remember Vanessa?” Noah asked, watching her.
Emery thought for a minute. “Your hot tutor?”
“My hot tutor,” he confirmed. “I didn’t even see her when you were around, Em. I guess you blinded me somehow.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We’re pregnant.”
“You’ll be an awesome dad,” she said sincerely.
“I hope so, but I’m scared.”
She raised her eyes to his. “Of what?”
“Of messing him up.”
“It’s a boy?”
“Yes.” His wide smile made a little crinkling at the corners of his eyes.
“You’re pretty perfect. I don’t see you messing any kids up.” Emery turned the paper over in her hands, unsure of what to say next.
“You know, everyone is scared of things, Em,” Noah said and rubbed at the hem of his shorts.
“Sure.” She shrugged.
Quiet washed over them like the waves crashing at the shore. They had nothing else to say to one another. She’d given up and was going to stay here, anonymous, counting down the days of her life.
She sighed and stood up. “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m sorry for everything. For getting you mixed up with this, for leaving you after…”
“One of the best nights of my life? Yeah, that was soul crushing.” He sighed. “I’d never told a girl I loved her before that night. You are a fantastic person, Em. You made falling in love with you easy.” Noah pulled an envelope out of his pocket and gave it to her. “I told Rachel that this wouldn’t work, that you wouldn’t care that I was here.”
“I can’t care anymore,” she said. “I can’t let myself care about anything.” She didn’t know if she was trying to convince him or herself.
“Em, I hate that this happened to you. You were perfect. Even with everything that asshole put you through, you lit up a room. Now you look like you’re just waiting to die.”
Her head fell in defeat. He was right. She’d come here to wait for something, anything to help her escape this sad existence.
“Listen, I’m leaving in the morning. It was great to see that you’re alive and all, but you need to come home, whether it’s to Rachel or this cop in Savannah who can’t seem to get over you. I know how that feels.” He laughed uncomfortably. “You have people that want you no matter what, and they’re willing to wait for you, to build you a place to come back to. You’re spitting in their faces by staying here, at a bar, waiting to die.”
She stepped back from him like he’d slapped her across the face. Is that what she was doing, spitting in Rachel’s face? Her intentions were good. If she disappeared, then it would be easier for everyone. Emery retreated from Noah, putting a hand up in goodbye, and then turned quickly and walked back to the bar.
“You’re letting him win,” Noah called to her back.
She squeezed her eyes shut at the truth in what he’d said. Why did he have to come here and make her face all these things she’d run from? Why did he always have to fix her? He was an asshole for being right. Somewhere in the pit of her stomach she could feel the pain of it all, and the hope bubbling to the surface.
She walked up the stairs behind the bar to her studio apartment. Scanning the room, she took in her place. It was sparse. There was a single bed in the middle of the room, a bookcase full of all the books she’d read since she’d been here. That’s all there was for her, work and reading. The kitchen was negligible and she hardly ate there anyway. There was a small table where her computer sat; she’d write when she was feeling extremely low.
She fell on the bed and worked up the courage to open the envelope that Noah had given her. She pushed herself up and ripped it open. Her heart stopped beating. Tim’s handwriting made her long to be in the same room with him, for him to run his thumb over her bottom lip.
Emery,
That’s right, I know your real name now. I know everything and I don’t have words to tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that, but I need you to come home. I know you may not think of this as your home, but it is because I’ve made it your home.
Yes, I’m hurt that you lied to me, but I get it. Come home.
Yes, I know your secrets and I don’t care. Come home.
Yes, I’m crushed you just left me here. Come home.
I hope I’ve said the words that can get through your pain. Come home.
I love you and miss you. Every day, Em. Every day I miss your lips on mine, your hands on me, and your smell. I miss your smell. I even miss your nasty coffee. Your laugh haunts my dreams. I wake up thinking you’ve come back to me. Please come back. We’ll have to meet each other again, but I’m pretty sure I know you. The real you. I don’t give a shit about a name.
Lucas misses you too.
He made it.
I thought you should know.
Tim
She blinked rapidly at the paper, tears falling freely, and then re-read the last three lines seven times to make sure she was seeing clearly. Holy shit! Lucas is alive? Her brain hit against the walls of her head like bumper cars, jarring her with every hit. Lucas. He’d lost so much and now he’d lost her because she was too stupid to let anyone talk to her after she left Savannah. Or in Savannah, for that matter.
She was so sure he’d been in that body bag. An unfamiliar feeling started spreading through her limbs and into her heart. It was hope. She shook her head. She didn’t want hope. If you have hope, it will crush you and leave you bleeding on the floor with the reality of it all. Hope will end you.
She blinked the tears away and unfolded the next piece of paper. It was typed.
Em,
I hate you so much right now. You are being a selfish asshole. Fuck you.
Sorry, I really had to get that out of the way. Listen. You’ve made a huge mistake and that’s okay. I’ll forgive you, but I can’t speak for Tim or Lucas. Because you’re an asshole and wouldn’t talk to me for the past six months, I had to employ the one person who I thought may get you to change your mind. Oh and also, I would’v
e told you Lucas made it months ago, but I’m not posting that shit on a fake Facebook page.
Derrick and I are getting married and if you’re not there I will never forgive you, asshole.
I love you,
Rachel
Something broke inside her and released all the emotions she’d put into tiny boxes all over her mind. Emery sobbed with horror and grief at what she’d missed and what she’d done. She looked at these two letters in awe. Although she knew she didn’t deserve them, they didn’t deserve to be treated like she’d treated them. She was a horrible, horrible person…who could change. She could change. Emery had seen herself change many times in her short life and she would change for them. She would change for Tim, and Lucas, but most of all Rachel, because she’d saved Emery’s life countless times. She owed Rachel.
She was an asshole.
She was a liar.
She was heartbroken, which meant she still had a heart.
She was leaving.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
Apologies
Emery drove north on 95, full of confusion and anticipation. Her stomach felt like she’d eaten something spoiled, it was flipping and in her throat. She pulled out her phone, the one she bought all those months ago and hadn’t used, and dialed a number she’d known by heart for five years.
“Hello?” a sleepy voice answered the phone.
“Rachel, it’s me.”
“Emery?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry to wake you.” Comfort crept into Emery, making her smile at the fact it was 10:00 am and she’d woken her friend.
“Are you okay?”
“I wanted to apologize, Rachel, for everything. Noah told me…”
“You talked to him?”
“He came to Key West a couple days ago and called me on my shit. Told me I wasn’t being fair to you. You’ve done everything for me and I was just waiting to die.”
“Oh,” Rachel squeaked out.
“He was right, it wasn’t fair. I…Ashley’s death threw me, Rachel. Not only did I blame myself for it, she did too. My thirteen-year-old sister told me that she wouldn’t have done it if I’d stayed.” That’s not what it said, but it was certainly how Emery felt.
“Emery…”
“Just let me finish, Rach. I’m devastated. I’m empty, but I’m alive. My sister was thirteen and she’d just been raped. I understand her blaming me. It took me four months to realize she was in a horrible place when she wrote that letter. She blamed me for leaving her and maybe I should be blamed, but so should my mother and that fucking…” Emery could barely think his name, let alone say it. She sighed. “I understand…”
“That’s bullshit,” Rachel said over Emery’s words.
“I understand she didn’t mean it. I hope she knew I loved her, Rachel, but I did leave her there. My mother failed her like she failed me and it ruined us both. Ashley’s pain was too much and I’m a shell of a person who fucks up everything, but I’m going back. I’m going to beg Tim’s forgiveness. To ask him if he wants to know me…”
“He knows you Emery, the real you. He doesn’t care what you call yourself. “
“Rachel, I’m glad Noah’s happy. I’m humiliated you let him read my letters, though,” Emery admitted, her voice full of mortification.
“It was the only way, Em. He didn’t understand. He was really mad at you when you left. I needed him to see that you didn’t want to leave and that you mourned the loss of him. I don’t know what he said to you, but I’m glad it worked.”
“I’m sorry, Rachel. I’m sorry for everything. I promise I’ll try to make it up to you.”
“Oh good, that’ll be fun.” Rachel yawned.
“I’ll let you go, I just wanted to apologize and tell you that I’m headed back to Savannah.”
“When can I see you?”
Emery’s heart soared that even after what she’d done, Rachel was right there. “I don’t deserve you.”
“It’s not about what you deserve. When people love each other, they…” Rachel’s voice broke with emotion.
“I owe you everything,” Emery whispered.
“You owe me nothing. You’re my best friend and I need you, just like you need me.”
“I missed you.”
“Good, asshole, now get your shit together and get to Atlanta to see me. We have a lot to talk about and you need to meet with my dad too. He set up the foundation and bank account and all sorts of shit with the money your mother left you.”
Emery laughed at Rachel; always back to normal so quickly after a lapse in emotion.
“I love you and I’ll call you later.”
“You deserve to be happy, Emery. Remember that.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
Coming Home
Butterflies were so numerous in her belly that she thought she would vomit as she drove the route directed by her GPS through Savannah. She had no idea where she was going or how Tim donated a piece of land in Savannah to the foundation that Rachel and Derrick set up for her. The Ashley Shaw Foundation. She couldn’t think of the name without seeing her sister and tears forming in her eyes.
As she navigated in the city she’d come to think of as home, she scratched at the bandage on her left wrist under her sister’s name. It covered a new tattoo, one she decided to get the minute she realized what she’d done and, hopefully, what waited for her. Under the bandage she bore a tattoo in teal ink to remind her that hope made her want love and love made her accept hope. It was a heart that melted into an anchor, with a dove flying above it. So that she’d always remember to have hope, even when it hurt.
Emery pulled into a wooded lot and squinted to make sure she was at the right place. The unpaved driveway wound through woods a bit before she saw a clearing and a one story house, but her eyes were drawn immediately to a figure clad in only shorts and tennis shoes. Tim had his hand over his eyes, shading them as he watched her approach. She felt bile rise in her throat. Meme had told her where he was, but she didn’t know how he would react to her sudden appearance.
The oppressive August heat made sweat break out all over her body as she stepped out of her car. Or was it nerves? Tim stood next to a riding lawnmower, staring at her like she was some foreign object he had to examine.
She closed the door of the white sedan she’d rented for the drive, but instead of walking toward him, she hovered near the safety of the car. They consumed each other with their eyes without saying a word. It reminded her of when she first met him. The attraction, the connection, was instant and it was still sizzling.
“Now that’s a view.” Her voice shook a little as she gazed at him over the roof of the car. She was nervous, but moved first, walking around the back of the car toward him as they continued to stare at each other.
She kicked the dirt with the toe of her running shoe. The million things she wanted to say swirled in her mind and she didn’t know where to start.
“You look good,” he said, cutting through her inner debate.
Instead of responding, her entire body crumbled at his voice and she began sobbing as she crumbled to the sand. Emery felt his hot, sweaty arms wrap around her and it immediately calmed her.
Tim ran his hands over her hair, her shoulders, and her arms like he was making sure she wasn’t a figment of his imagination. “Is this real?” Tim asked in a voice Emery didn’t recognize. He clung to her with such fervor she was scared it meant that he didn’t want her. “Where have you been?”
“Key West.”
“Why?” he whispered.
“Waiting to die.”
Her words hung in the air and she could tell they changed him. His face softened and he knew she was telling the truth.
“Emery…”
Her real name felt foreign on his lips. She didn’t think she liked it, but she snapped her eyes to meet his immediately. Her body shook with her sobs and he held her tighter. “I’m so fucking sorry, Tim. I…”
He picked her up and walked through the garag
e, past his truck and another car parked there. He kicked open the door and walked into the den, with its flat screen TV and four different couches. He sat and cradled her in his arms, where she belonged. She cried and he let her.
“You came back,” he whispered in her ear.
Her arms tightened around his neck and her cries grew quiet. “I’m sorry,” she repeated softly.
“You came back.”
Emery pulled back from him and took him in. His hair was disheveled and wet from sweat, his eyes bright and tinged red from unshed tears. “You wanted me to?”
He crushed his lips against hers. Their tongues tangled, getting reacquainted quickly. She tore herself away from him and gazed into his eyes.
“I’m…”
“Emma, shit…I mean, can I call you that, even…” He’d been practicing so he wouldn’t slip, but one kiss and he’d messed up her name. “You’re alive.”
She cocked her head to the side and examined his face, unsure how to respond. He tried again.
“I love you. I don’t care what your name is or that you lied about it. I understand and it means nothing to me. What happened to you, your past—I’m okay with everything. I just…fuck. I don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me.”
“Tim,” she whispered, regret showing on her face.
“You chose to survive, Emery,” he finally said, using her real name again. “You chose a beautiful way to survive, helping kids who couldn’t help themselves.”
“I’m a coward. I run from everything. I—”
He took her face in his hands. “You are none of those things and I plan on showing you that every fucking day.”
A tear fell from her eye and he kissed it away.
“Are you real?” Emery whispered, not wanting to break the moment with her voice.
Since she was sitting on his lap, he grinded a reminder he was real into her. “That feels pretty real, huh?” he said with a wink.
“You’re crazy.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that over the last six months.”
Razorblade Kisses Page 29
