by Eirik Gumeny
“And now I bit my lip. Great.”
“If it bleeds,” said Queen Victoria XXX, “we can kill it.”
“No. No, no, no, no. You seriously did not just say that, did you?”
“I didn’t not say it, jerkface.”
“You turkeys might as well be juggling Jell-O for all you’ve accomplished,” said Quetzalcoatl, putting down the sidewalk he had been brandishing. “Go ahead, shoot me again.”
“I’m sorry?” asked Queen Victoria XXX, raising an eyebrow.
“Shoot me again.”
“Which one of us?”
“All of you,” said Quetzalcoatl, “at once.”
“Seriously?” asked Catrina.
“Sure.”
“OK,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII with a shrug. “Your funeral.”
“Yeah,” said Quetzalcoatl, “I kind of doubt that.”
Catrina, Queen Victoria XXX, and Chester A. Arthur XVII reloaded their weapons. They drew a bead on Quetzalcoatl’s face. Quetzalcoatl smiled sweetly. A flaming prostitute ran screaming in between them, fell over, got up, and continued running down the street. Everyone looked at everyone else, shrugged, and then resumed the standoff.
“On the count of three, girls,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII. “One…”
“Two…” added Quetzalcoatl.
“Three.”
Catrina, Queen Victoria XXX, and Chester A. Arthur XVII fired directly into Quetzalcoatl’s face from less than five feet away.
The explosion of the grenade caused Catrina, Victoria, and Chester to shield their faces, singing arm hair and throwing shrapnel in the process. Quetzalcoatl, however, never stopped smiling. He didn’t even bother snapping his head back for dramatic effect this time around.
“Now, as you can quite plainly see,” said Quetzalcoatl, his sweet, taunting grin becoming sinister and menacing, “I ain’t got time to bleed.”
He spread his wings and raised himself from the ground, towering over the trio, adding, “I think our little play date is over.”
“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
“OK, which of you said that?” asked Quetzalcoatl. “You’re dying first.”
“Who said what?” asked Catrina.
“I told you douchehorses no more action hero quipping.”
“We didn’t say anything,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Don’t you…”
Quetzalcoatl never finished his sentence. Or question. Or whatever it was. Instead, he was punched in the back of the head by a giant robot. A giant robot made up of other robots. More specifically, a giant robot cobbled together from the broken pieces of a dozen defeated Horsemen and piloted by a telekinetic squirrel in a cape. Quetzalcoatl was punched in the back of the head, by a robot made of other robots and piloted by a squirrel, with such tremendous force that not only his head, but his shoulders, as well, busted through the busted-up pavement and were now located in the packed dirt under the surface of the ground.
“Timmy!” squealed Catrina.
“Ma’am,” replied the squirrel telepathically, manipulating his giant frankenrobot to tip an invisible hat toward the girl.
“You just saved our asses,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Yeah,” said Timmy, “funny how that works.”
“We would have figured it out eventually,” replied Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“Sure you would’ve.”
Before Chester A. Arthur XVII could retort, Quetzalcoatl removed himself from the ground with great exuberance, spraying gravel and chunks of cement everywhere. He immediately resumed his earlier towering, menacing pose, albeit with significantly more emphasis on the menace this time around.
“OK, seriously,” said the Aztec god, cracking his neck, “fuck all y’all.”
Quetzalcoatl grabbed Timmy’s robot contraption with his tail, slammed it into the already battered sidewalk, then into a pile of rubble that used to be a wall, then into a wall that was still a wall, and then flung Timmy and his machine into the stratosphere.
“Timmy!” cried Catrina.
In a single motion, Quetzalcoatl backhanded all three of his remaining assailants as they tried to load their weapons, simultaneously disarming them and sending them sprawling into the street. The snake god darted forward, pinning them all to the ground with his tail.
“This ends now,” snarled Quetzalcoatl, leaning into the face of Chester A. Arthur.
“Like fuck it does, you maniacal assclown,” shouted Queen Victoria XXX, struggling to remove Quetzalcoatl’s tail from atop her legs.
Quetzalcoatl punched the sidewalk, the concrete splitting into a dozen or so pointed pieces. He grabbed one and plunged the shard into Victoria’s abdomen.
“No,” he said. “No more.”
"Oh my god,” said Catrina, “we’ve got to…"
"Get her medical attention? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I burned or knocked down every hospital within three miles,” said Quetzalcoatl with a shrug. “I get bored."
Eighty-One: Hell Hath No Fury
“You fucking cocksucker,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Yeah, that’ll help, honey,” replied Quetzalcoatl, still leaning over the trio. “Maybe you should try to think of something a little more family-friendly for your epitaph.”
Queen Victoria XXX, her legs still pinned beneath Quetzalcoatl’s tail, pulled the cement spike out of her gut.
"OK, um,” said Quetzalcoatl, his menacing glare momentarily replaced by a look of confusion, “I wasn’t aware anyone else here had any special powers."
"I don’t,” replied Queen Victoria XXX. “I’m bleeding to death and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch. But, powers or no…”
“…she is a vessel of fury and rage the likes of which you have never seen,” continued Chester A. Arthur XVII, with far too smug a look on his face for someone with a giant snake resting on his chest.
Queen Victoria XXX stabbed Quetzalcoatl in the eye with the sidewalk splinter, bringing her arm around with enough force to shove the spike through the back of his skull.
Quetzalcoatl screamed and reeled backward, freeing the president, the queen, and the girl.
"Holy… FUCK, that fucking hurts,” said Quetzalcoatl, absently grabbing at the concrete shard. “I really hope you don’t have the HIV."
“Me too,” said Thor, smacking Quetzalcoatl upside the head with a sledgehammer.
“Fucking fuck, man!” exclaimed Quetzalcoatl. “Where the hell did you come from?”
“Convention let out early. Steve the electrician says ‘hi.’”
Thor swung the sledgehammer upward, catching Quetzalcoatl by the chin and knocking him backward.
“Thor!” said Catrina, running up and embracing him.
“Catrina,” said Thor. “How we doing?”
“Vicky’s bleeding to death and Chester’s not quite as pretty as he was, oh, and Timmy’s an astronaut now, but, otherwise pretty good.”
“Your definition of good leaves a lot to be desired,” said Quetzalcoatl, regaining his ground and taking a swing at Thor.
Thor shielded Catrina and ducked out of the way. Chester A. Arthur XVII hit Quetzalcoatl across the face with a slab of sidewalk, sending him reeling backward.
“Nobody gives a shit what you have to say,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, bringing the piece of sidewalk down over Quetzalcoatl’s head, “bitch.”
“Hey, that is kind of fun,” he added.
“Told you,” said Thor.
Eighty-Two: Armageddon There
“By no pounds or Indians will some photosynthesizing chimp-neighbor buy up all my property, no ma’am,” muttered Quetzalcoatl, picking himself off the ground once again.
“Is he insulting us or having a stroke?” asked Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“I don’t know,” said Thor, shaking his head, “and I don’t really care.”
He nodded to a pile of power tools and construction equipment by the curb and said, “I brought presents.”
�
��I call the chainsaw!” said Catrina.
“Damn it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII and Queen Victoria XXX in unison.
“Oh, man,” said Catrina, picking up the chainsaw, “this thing is heavy.”
“Then let me take it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, looking sadly at the nail-gun in his hand.
“Why?” countered Queen Victoria XXX. “”Cause you’re a man and she’s just a little girl?”
“What? No, that’s not…”
“Then what, Charlie? What are you…”
The president looked at Catrina, struggling to start the gas-powered saw.
“I’m just saying, I’ve—we, we, you and me—have more experience in…”
“She’s never going to learn if you keep treating her like…”
“I’m not treating her like anything! I was simply…”
“Uh, hurry up, guys,” said Thor, taking a punch to the jaw from Quetzalcoatl. He retaliated by kicking Quetzalcoatl in the crotch, only to realize that Quetzalcoatl didn’t have a crotch. The Aztec snake god pushed the off-balance Thor to the side.
“Chocolate-coated peanuts!”
“Oh, no,” said Queen Victoria XXX, “I think we broke him.”
Quetzalcoatl lunged at the queen. She side-stepped his attack and hit him in the back of the head with a pair of crowbars. He staggered slightly from the blow, long enough for Chester A. Arthur XVII to fire the nail-gun into his neck repeatedly.
“Son of a bitch!”
Quetzalcoatl swung blindly behind him. Chester A. Arthur XVII dodged the attack easily, then grabbed the Aztec god’s hand and nailed it to the lower part of his back. Queen Victoria XXX cracked Quetzalcoatl across the face.
“Puppies, all of you!”
Quetzalcoatl extended his wings, knocking down both the president and the queen. He turned to lunge at Chester A. Arthur XVII, only to catch a sledgehammer from Thor with his teeth. The snake god fell backwards from the blow, landing against an upturned slab of sidewalk. Chester A. Arthur XVII scrambled to his feet and fired the nail gun into Quetzalcoatl’s shoulders, arms, and wings, pinning him to the slab.
“Catrina, take his fucking head off,” ordered the president. “Now.”
Catrina pulled the cord urgently and the chainsaw roared to life. Still carrying it unsteadily, she took a step toward the Aztec god.
“OK, maybe, uh, maybe you were right,” she said. “I don’t know if I really feel comfortable doing this.”
“Fine, whatever, I’ll do it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“Why…” started Queen Victoria XXX.
“Because I’m closer, Vicky,” replied the president, shouting over his shoulder as he ran toward Catrina. “This is not the god damned time for this.”
“Thanks,” said Catrina, carefully handing over the chainsaw to the presidential clone.
Chester A. Arthur XVII reached out his hand, but was grabbed by Quetzalcoatl’s tail before he could grab the saw. The snake god slammed the president into the side of the casino repeatedly, before impaling Chester on an exposed piece of metal.
“Charlie!” cried out Queen Victoria XXX, before turning and slashing her crowbars across the still-pinned Aztec god’s face. She twirled the crowbars in her hands, adjusting her grip, and drove them both into Quetzalcoatl’s chest.
Quetzalcoatl howled, then swung his tail back, catching Queen Victoria at the knees. He snapped his tail, changing its direction instantly and whipping it across the queen’s face, gashing her cheek as she fell to the ground.
Thor stepped quickly toward Quetzalcoatl, raising the sledgehammer. The Aztec god, wary of another blow to the face, picked Queen Victoria up off the ground and hurled her directly at Thor. The former god of thunder checked his swing and attempted to catch the queen, the two of them dropping to the ground in a tangle.
Quetzalcoatl struggled to free himself, absent-mindedly thrashing his tail at Catrina in the process.
“Oh shit,” she said, lifting the chainsaw at the incoming tail.
Catrina held her ground, the teeth of the saw tearing into the writhing tail, but it was a futile defense. Quetzalcoatl freed himself from the slab and darted to the girl’s side, grabbing Catrina by the neck. The chainsaw fell to the ground.
“I am going to murder you… and your children… and your goats.”
“Put her down,” said Thor, picking up his sledgehammer and limping toward Quetzalcoatl.
“You rock-skulled, rooster-smoking sack of liquids,” replied the snake-man, “when are you going to learn? You can’t kill me. I’m a god.”
“Funny story,” said Thor, tilting his head and cracking his neck, “so am I.”
Eighty-Three: Ragnarok & Roll
Thor charged at Quetzalcoatl and, careful to avoid damaging Catrina, struck the Aztec god in the face with the sledgehammer. Quetzalcoatl just looked at him. Thor hit him a few more times. Quetzalcoatl remained unimpressed.
“Nope,” he said. “Still gonna kill her.”
Quetzalcoatl lifted Catrina, squeezing his fingers tighter around her neck. She began coughing and kicking her legs frantically.
“No,” said Thor, “you’re not.”
The sky darkened as roiling, black clouds overtook the sun. A colossal crack of thunder echoed off what remained of the casino’s walls, shaking the ground.
“Oh, no fucking way,” said Quetzalcoatl.
A bolt of lightning tore through the sky, striking Quetzalcoatl. Catrina fell from his grasp.
“Holy shit, Thor,” she said, stumbling towards him, “was that…”
“Verily.”
“But how? I thought…”
“Anything that prick can do,” replied Thor, “I can do better.”
“Yeah, well, anything I can do that you can do better I can do best,” said Quetzalcoatl, picking himself off the ground yet again and coiling his tail to strike.
“Yeah,” said Thor, “I kind of doubt that.”
Catrina jumped to the side as Quetzalcoatl lunged at Thor. Thor hit him in the shoulder with the sledgehammer, sending the snake god sprawling sideways across the ground. Quetzalcoatl immediately launched himself at Thor again, but Thor caught him in the throat with his elbow.
Quetzalcoatl fell backwards, choking. Thor swung the sledgehammer and struck Quetzalcoatl in the face, spinning and disorienting him. Thor capitalized and pummeled the snake-man mercilessly, lightning assaulting the Aztec god with each strike of the hammer. Quetzalcoatl swung blindly and thrashed futilely throughout the onslaught, never quite regaining his bearings, before a final blow to the square of his back sent Quetzalcoatl collapsing to the ground.
Thor gripped the sledgehammer with both hands and lifted it over his head. He swung it down onto Quetzalcoatl’s skull with all his might. The accompanying thunder shattered windows, the bolt of lightning set the surrounding sidewalk on fire.
And then the sky cracked open.
“Oh, crap,” said Thor.
Eighty-Four: The End
Queen Victoria XXX staggered over to Chester A. Arthur XVII and helped free him from the metal spike through the rightmost part of his chest.
“You alright?” she asked, gently helping to lift him.
“More than likely. I’m pretty sure it’s not entirely fatal,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, wincing as he was removed from the exposed reinforcement bar. “How about you?”
“Bleeding profusely, but I’ll probably live. I don’t think he got anything important.”
“That’s good.”
Queen Victoria XXX smiled. She lifted Chester’s arm and put it around her shoulder, then the two of them attempted to stand. It was a valiant effort. They got about half way to vertical before falling backwards and landing on their asses.
“Maybe we should just sit here for…”
“Yeah…”
They sat there for a moment, surveying the wreckage and watching the blood pool around Quetzalcoatl’s broken skull, before Victoria asked, “Where’s Billy?”
“And Phil? And the scientists, for that matter?”
William H. Taft XLII and Phil, having dispersed the philosopher army, decided to rejoin their comrades in the dispatching of Quetzalcoatl. Before they could enter the fray, however, they came across a clutch of non-burning prostitutes trapped within a burning building. All hopped-up on being the good guys, William H. Taft XLII and Phil rescued the hookers from the building—well, a decent percentage of them, anyway—and brought them to safety.
They were still being rewarded for their heroism.
The scientists, however, having been less than useful in both the dispersal of the philosophers and the saving of the prostitutes, were not being rewarded. They were, nevertheless, still with Phil, William H. Taft XLII, and the hookers, just watching. Judy, especially, felt that was reward enough. She was kind of a weird girl.
“I hope they’re OK,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Where’s the helicopter?” asked Chester A. Arthur XVII.
The helicopter was where they had left it.
“What’s that matter? It’s not like we can fly it without a pilot.”
“Sure we can.”
“You can fly a helicopter?”
“Well, no,” replied Chester A. Arthur XVII. “But I’m a quick study.”
“You’re an idiot, Charlie.”
Queen Victoria XXX and Chester A. Arthur XVII, each supporting the other one, lifted themselves from the ground with a deep breath and a heave. They began staggering back toward the helicopter when Catrina approached them.
“You guys OK?”
“We will be,” said Queen Victoria XXX. “We’re going to take the helicopter and find some help.”
“Good idea,” replied Catrina. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII. “We’ll swing back here when we’re done. If you’re already gone, we’ll meet you back at the hotel.”
“Do you ever turn off?”
“No,” replied Chester A. Arthur XVII with a smile.
Catrina waved at the president and the queen as they walked away. They turned a corner and Catrina turned to look for Thor. He was standing off to the side, leaning on his sledgehammer and staring at the roiling hole in the heavens. Catrina walked up to him.
