by Sarah Price
As Emanuel and Shana walked through, several men called out to "Step right up and try your luck at the..." Emanuel kept walking. Several times, he had to stop, retrace his steps, and wait for the curious Shana. Occasionally, she did try her luck at various games. At the dart booth, Shana's fourth game, Emanuel stood patiently by Shana's side, watching as she carelessly threw her darts at the red star hanging on the cork board in back of the booth. Instead of hitting it, all three darts fell in a scattered pile on the floor.
The game over, Shana pouted as she turned to Emanuel. "I wanted one of those cute bears," she playfully whined.
"Which one?" he asked. She pointed to a large brown bear with a pink nose and tongue. Emanuel sighed, digging into his pockets for a wrinkled dollar bill. Shana stepped back to make room as Emanuel slapped the dollar on the counter.
"Three darts, please." He took the three darts the attendant handed him. "How many darts have to hit the star for that bear?"
Bored, the man held up his two fingers then looked over Emanuel's head as two pretty farm girls walked by. Emanuel glanced at Shana, shrugged his shoulders, and then turned back to the game. He held the one dart between his fingers, aimed, and carefully threw the dart into the center of the star. Shana clapped her hands and cheered him on. The second dart hit the upper point of the star and the third dart landed just below the first one. The attendant handed Emanuel the bear. "Can also have any one of the mirrors down there."
Emanuel leaned forward, staring at the line of square mirrors. Finally, he pointed to one with a black stallion decal in the middle. "That one," he said. The attendant grabbed the mirror and thrust it into Emanuel's hands. He thanked the man whose attention was already diverted to two teenagers with shorts leaning against the booth. Emanuel shrugged and showed the mirror to Shana. "For David," he said.
Clutching her bear, Shana smiled at Emanuel. "Thank you," she whispered into his ear.
He replied by squeezing her hand. Then, he glanced around the crowd. "We better find Steve and Liddy May. It's close to ten by now."
The car ride back to Liddy May's was quiet and peaceful. Shana had the impression that Emanuel wanted to talk with her alone but, not having the opportunity, stared solemnly out the car window. Steve and Liddy May sat next to each other in the back of the car, neither speaking until they drove up Liddy May's lane. "You coming to fetch me after church?"
Glancing in her rearview mirror, Shana saw Steve nod. "Ja. The singing's at James' so I'll be over earlier than usual."
Liddy May leaned forward, touching Emanuel's shoulder. "You coming, too?"
Squirming in his seat, Emanuel shrugged off her hand. "Haven't decided yet," he answered.
Shana pulled into Liddy May's driveway and bade her goodnight. While Steve walked his girlfriend to the door, Shana turned to Emanuel. "There's a singing tomorrow night? Why aren't you going?" she asked, taking advantage of the few minutes alone with Emanuel. He didn't answer. "Is it because of me?" Shana asked. While she had accompanied him to several social events, she knew a singing after church was strictly for Amish youths, especially since the songs were sung in Pennsylvania Dutch or German. Emanuel's silence confirmed Shana's fear but she didn't question him further as Steve returned to the car.
At the Lapp farm, Shana dropped both men off by the farmhouse. Emanuel thanked her while Steve thrust money into her hand. Quickly, Shana pushed the money back at him. "Don't be silly," she said. "That's what friends are for." She noticed the askance look Steve gave her but, politely thanking her, he shut the car door. Both men walked into the house. Shana watched Emanuel, his head hung low and his shoulders hunched over, until the kitchen door shut behind him.
Chapter Nine
Shana hadn't heard the buggies leaving in the morning for church. When she awoke, they had already left. In the solitude of the farm, she spent the day wandering around her small house and the farm, thinking about a decision concerning her job and Emanuel. To take the promotion meant leaving the Lapp farm and that meant she would not see Emanuel anymore. She had come to depend on his friendship and she found her thoughts constantly drifting to him whenever they were apart. Yet, she had gone through college to have a successful career and she couldn't see throwing everything she had worked for away.
Early in the morning, she ventured into the dusty attic, the stairs creaking under her weight. Boxes and crates were piled around old furniture and trunks. She let curiosity get the best of her as she poked through the old, tattered clothing and books. She wiped the cobwebs off a faceless child's doll and, cradling it as she tried to imagine how many girls had loved this doll, pretended it was a real child nestled in their arms. She shut her eyes, trying to imagine what it would be like to be an Amish woman, dedicating her life to caring for her husband and raising a family. Then, ashamed of herself, she tossed it back into the trunk and hurried downstairs.
Around noon, she had driven along the country roads to clear her head. Yet, everywhere she looked was a constant reminder of what she tried so hard to forget. Farms, horses, cows, even a small, man-made pond with a patch of daisies nearby. She drove past one farm with over fifty buggies parked by the barn, apparently where the local Amish district was meeting for services. For a long moment, she sat in her car, staring down at the black-topped buggies. She wondered whether the Lapp family was worshipping at the particular farm. Shutting her eyes, she sat in the car and tried imaging how it felt to sit in the barn for three hours, listening and feeling the gospel of the Bible. But, the image never entered her mind and, feeling no better than she had before, she eased the gearshift into first and drove on.
When she finally returned home, the Lapp's buggies were in the driveway. The dog barked at a brown striped cat sleeping in the sun by the nearest buggy. Shana glanced at the farmhouse, quiet as usual, before she hurried into her own house. As she shut the door, the evening cold touched her and, shivering, she hurried over to the kerosene heater and clicked it on. It glowed orange, small amounts of heat quickly warming her outstretched hands. For the rest of the day, Shana lounged on the sofa by the heater and read the local Sunday paper that she had picked up a nearby convenience store. But, the words blurred together and not even the black and white pictures caught her attention. Setting the paper down on her chest, Shana shut her eyes and let an uneasy sleep calm her.
After a short nap, she awoke to a door slamming. Sitting up, she glanced around sleepily. The sun was setting, casting shadows through her lacy window curtains. She looked up at the old, wooden clock over the sink. 6:45pm. Startled at the time, she forced herself to get up and fix herself some supper. While her supper simmered on the oven, a buggy rolled down the lane. The wheels creaked as it turned around the barn. For a brief moment, Shana held her breath. She waited, her hand motionless on the handle of the wooden spoon, but no one knocked at her door. Then she realized it must've been Steve off to fetch Liddy May for the singing.
She had just finished washing her supper dishes when she heard Jonas barking an order to one of his younger sons. Shana glanced out the window, wondering if Emanuel was helping with the milking. The cows stood in the paddock, some swaying back and forth, their bony rumps hitting the cows next to them. Daniel, David and Samuel were busy pitching hay into their troughs. They didn’t speak to each other and their faces seemed solemn in the silence as they worked. Not seeing Emanuel, Shana let the curtain fall back.
It was almost nine o'clock when Emanuel finally knocked at the door. She could tell it was him by the two short, quick raps that echoed against the closed door. Shutting the book she had been staring at without reading for the past half an hour, Shana sat up and looked at the door. Her heart pounded inside her chest, as she contemplated not answering his knock. But, when he knocked again, she set the book aside and got up.
He wore his Sunday outfit, his head covered with his black felt hat. "I need to talk to you, Shana," he said, his tone as soft as usual. Yet, there was urgency in his voice and a strain in his eyes. "Put on a jacket an
d let's go for a drive."
Without questioning his demand, Shana reached behind the door for her long winter jacket and hurried outside. He helped her inside the buggy before he climbed in beside her and shut the door. Carefully, he wrapped a thick, black winter blanket over her lap.
"Comfortable, ja?" he asked. She answered with a serious nod. Then, he slapped the reins against Lucky Monday's back and the buggy lurched forward, slowly rolling down the lane toward the road. He stared straight ahead. "I hadn't asked before about your review yesterday."
"I got the transfer and the promotion." She noticed his grip on the horse's reins tighten and the muscles in his jaw twitched. Then, she slowly added, "I told them I needed to think about it." She waited until he looked at her. "I thought about it, Emanuel, and I've decided to refuse."
He nodded once. Then, for a long while, he did not reply. They drove up the hill and Emanuel turned the buggy down another dimly lit road. The horse's hooves gently clippity-clopped against the macadam, the noise soothing Shana as she leaned back, her hands warming under the blanket. The silence frightened her and with each unspoken minute that passed, her heart pounded fiercer within her chest. A car sped past and Lucky Monday lifted her head. Shana watched as the red taillights of the car faded down the road before them. Eventually, the motor was just a low roar and the lights a faded memory.
Finally, Emanuel cleared his throat as he slowed the horse on the dark road situated between two empty cornfields. "Soon is the fall baptism." He looked at her, his eyes clouded with worry. She had never seen him this serious, this intense before. Her heart pounded harder and she almost wondered if he could hear it over his next words. "I've told my parents that I am not going for my baptism this fall." He hesitated before he spoke his next words, staring straight ahead again. "Nor will I ever."
Shana felt goose bumps on her arms and legs. "I…I see," she managed to say.
"I could never leave the Amish way of life. I was raised to believe in certain things, things I've done all my life." He raised the reins to make his point as he continued talking, "Like driving a horse and buggy. I have an inner peace in being Amish, of working hard, and believing in God."
The goose bumps faded away. "So why are you refusing baptism?"
"I cannot make a commitment that great when I am not certain I can abide by all of the traditions of the Ordnung." Emanuel took a deep breath, as though his words exhausted him. "And because of you." He refused to meet her frightened gaze. "When you first moved onto my father's farm, I thought you were a beautiful woman." He quickly added, "I still do." Then he paused, as though searching for the right words. "We've become good friends, Shana. More than friends in many ways but we're good friends above all." He chewed on his lower lip as he contemplated his thoughts. "You've continually impressed me. Hard working, strong, loyal, and fun. These are what a man looks for in a woman." He leaned forward to turn on his blinker. Stopping at the corner of Groffdale Road and Scenic Drive, he looked both ways before he turned right. "I will always be a farmer, Shana."
Suddenly feeling lightheaded, Shana leaned against the side of the buggy, staring at him. He was waiting for a response. But she wasn't certain what he wanted her to reply. Swallowing, she finally said, "There is nothing wrong with being a farmer, Emanuel."
"Ja," he agreed. Then, he took a deep breath, hesitated, then asked, "But do you believe you could leave your world to be..." He glanced at her. "Vell…to be a farmer's wife."
For a moment, she did not say anything. A farmer's wife, she repeated to herself. How many nights had she laid awake in bed, staring at that lonely crack in the ceiling as she asked herself that very question? She had watched Katie and wondered if, in twenty-five years, that would be her. Yet, she had never thought that Emanuel would be seated next to her, his face pale in the dim glow from the moon and stars as he awaited her response to that anticipated question. Shana felt the color drain from her own face as well.
Again, he cleared his throat, sounding more certain of himself. "In late October, we could marry."
"In October?"
Suddenly, Emanuel stopped the buggy and turned to her. He grabbed her hands and stared into her bewildered eyes. "I want to marry you, Shana. You are the most exciting woman I've ever met." He paused as though ashamed of his confession before he softly continued. "My tenant's lease runs out the first week in October, and now that I've told my parents I intend to refuse my baptism, it would be best to leave their house. I want you to come with me." Again, he paused. "But I want you to come with me as my wife."
Shana stared at him, her lips slightly parted. "As your wife," she repeated softly, her heart fluttering within her chest.
Emanuel didn't let Shana say anything else as he pressed his lips gently against hers, the kiss slowly releasing all the passion they had hidden for the past months. Warmth flooded through her body and she felt as though everything was surreal, not happening. As he kissed her, his arm around her shoulder and pressing her tight against his chest, she relaxed and responded with everything that she felt in her heart. And, as she melted against him, they both knew what her answer would be.
When Emanuel finally pulled away, he smoothed her hair back from her face and smiled shyly. "October it is, then?"
"That’s so soon," she whispered, afraid to break the magical spell of the moment.
Emanuel nodded. "Ja. Four weeks from last Thursday." He urged on Lucky Monday. Under the blanket, he clutched her hand while, with his other, he held the reins. "I'll have to ride out to the house and tell my tenants the news. As soon as I fix everything up, we'll marry and move in."
"What about your parents?" she asked softly.
"My parents? They are aware of my decision, Shana." He hesitated before he added, "Soon they will get over it and things will return to normal. In four weeks, we'll be married. One of the Mennonite ministers will perform the ceremony and my family will have a small supper for us afterwards."
"What about me?"
Emanuel ran his fingers through his tousled, curly hair, clearing his throat as he quietly said, "You'll have to leave your job."
She realized that she'd have to quit her job but the reality was suddenly hitting her. In four weeks, she would become someone's wife. For the rest of her life, she would probably live on the same land in the same house and certainly with the same man. She would, indeed, be a farmer's wife. "I don't know if I'll be able to do nothing all day, Emanuel."
He laughed nervously. "Being a farmer's wife won't be easy, Shana, nor boring. Come spring, you'll have a vegetable garden to tend. Plus, cleaning, mending, shopping, cooking, and washing. You'll have plenty to do."
For a moment, the thought sank deep into her stomach. In all her life, she had seen herself attempting many different things; domestication had never been one of them. But, as Emanuel stared at her, she knew that she could never work in a restaurant for the rest of her life. If I have to do something forever, she thought, loving Emanuel will be the easiest and most rewarding. "It's going to take me some time to adapt, Emanuel."
"I know that."
"You'll have to be patient with me."
"I know that, too."
"I'm scared of failing you."
He brushed his fingers along her cheek, admiring the softness of her translucent skin. "You won't."
"I do love you, Emanuel," she whispered.
They rode in silence until they returned to the farm. Shana stood in the stable while Emanuel unharnessed Lucky Monday. Stroking the horse's nose, Emanuel stared thoughtfully at Lucky Monday. Then, he turned to look at Shana. In the darkness of the stable, she could not see his expression, but she heard the catch in his voice. "We should tell my parents that you've agreed." Together, they walked up the dark path to the house.
The gas lamp in the kitchen burned bright as Emanuel opened the porch door. Shana followed him, aware of the two pairs of eyes waiting for Emanuel to speak. Emanuel glanced at his parents, both seated on the hard benches and facing each oth
er. His mother stared ahead, her eyes swollen and red. His father's face was taunt and pale. Shana stood in the shadow of the doorway, her heart breaking as she saw the pain in the faces of her future in-laws.
Emanuel stood silently by the old cast iron wood stove, his fingers toying with the blue and white speckled kettle on the closest burner. Katie exhaled loudly, raising her eyes to the ceiling as she said a German prayer. Emanuel lowered his head in respect, waiting patiently. The prayer finished, Katie looked at Shana. "You're taking my boy away, aren't you?" Upon hearing his wife's words, Jonas shut his eyes, folded his hands and lowered his head. Katie gave a stiff nod as she said, "I saw it coming. Can't say I'm surprised anyhow." Then, she stood up and, shoulders hunched over, walked out of the kitchen.
Jonas did not speak but sat at the table, his hands still folded before him and his own German prayer escaping his lips. Emanuel lowered his head again, listening respectfully to his father's words. Then, the prayer finished, Jonas stood and faced his son. "Let us not pray for lighter burdens but stronger backs." He, too, left the kitchen.
