by Mia Fox
After all, the pressures were immense at this time of life. I knew this to be true from watching Jack navigate his life. Everyone was always asking him about his plans for college, what he would major in, even the plans for after graduation in spite of the fact that it was years away. Maybe the pressure was too much for Cole and he just wanted to connect with someone…anyone.
I decided to express my question and talk about “Hockey Hottie,” my online name for Cole, in my latest blog post…
How do you handle dating in the age of Snapchat? When our lives are on constant display and messages disappear in a matter of seconds, it’s not easy to figure out what’s real in a relationship.
I thought things were moving to the next level with Hockey Hottie, but Snapchat has made me question our relationship, if in fact I can call it that. And perhaps that’s the most upsetting truth. How can I make-out with someone for hours and do decidedly intimate deeds if I’m not in a relationship?
I mean, I know one can be a mattress dancer and “keep things casual,” which is guy speak for not wanting to commit, but I didn’t think it was like that with Hockey Hottie. He made me feel like it was something more. Our Snapchat conversations would go back and forth until the emoji next to his name was a heart — the app’s sign that he texted me the most and I did the same with him. Imagine…he was my heart!
But in just one week, our conversations have cooled and that heart emoji has been reduced to a smiley face. Still, it indicates best friend status, but one of many best friends…not the bestest best friend. How can a grown woman become obsessed with an emoji? Is this what it’s like to date a younger man?
The day after I posted the blog, I sent a message to Cole, angry with myself for giving in to my need for contact. Sometimes it felt as if we would go one step forward and two steps back. And then we would be together enjoying the most glorious date and every insecurity within me would pass. Next, days would go by without talking. The casual factor associated with his generation was driving me crazy.
Another week passed and finally I had reason to see him. Jack invited me to attend the after tournament party at one of the team members’ parent’s home and I knew Cole would be there. I went to the mall to find a new outfit and get my makeup done because I wanted to look amazing. I paired an off-the-shoulder, cropped black peasant top with a pair of jeans and heels. Simple but sexy.
I knew most of the parents, but I wasn’t close to any. I found that I preferred to hang out with my son and his friends. They were more interesting in that their conversations weren’t a constant stream of complaints about life as was the perpetual habit of people in their forties.
Also, now that I had met Cole and learned he was on the same team, my thoughts about hanging out with my son and his friends had changed. I kept wondering why Cole seemed so much more mature than the others. There was something so different about him. I didn’t see him in the same light as the others and I hoped he didn’t view me like the other parents. I would find out tonight.
With the memory of his Snapchat picture emblazoned in my mind, I decided to try and view Cole with an objective eye. Perhaps there was still time to save my heart from getting too attached, although I doubted it.
The makeup person at Nordstrom did a fantastic job with my eyes, giving them a smokey, sultry quality. Combined with my outfit, I felt good about my appearance. My waist looked small, my breasts appeared ample. The other women were sure to hate it, but they weren’t the ones I was hoping to impress.
Jack and I arrived to find the party already in action with the parents split up in a reversed Noah’s Arc scenario. No where was a couple to be found. Instead, the men congregated outside by the barbecue drinking beers while the women remained gathered around the kitchen island sipping margaritas and gorging themselves on seven layer dip, canapés, and cheese and crackers. I was hungry, but not willing to sacrifice my figure so I reached for the one small platter of raw veggies that had been relegated to the counter near the stove, away from the crowd. With jicama and carrot sticks in hand, I set out in an attempt to fit in with the other women.
“So…you’re Jack’s mom?” a woman whose eye liner was already oozing below her lower lashes stated.
“Yes, I’m Kat.”
“So does Jack go to Seven Oaks too?”
Seven Oaks was the exclusive private school in the area…home to wealthy, entitled kids and their out-of-touch parents.
“No, he’s at the public high school just down the street from there.”
“Oh,” came her reply and it wasn’t a coincidence that the woman then turned to the next closest female in order to see if she was more to her liking. The next group of women were discussing that now they had reached a certain age and their weight continued to climb while their interest in sex continued to dwindle. I couldn’t relate so I decided to try conversation roulette to see if my luck should change with yet another group of women who were gathered around the bar. The three women in the family room were engaged in a riveting conversation about forcing their sons to pee in a cup each week to ensure they weren’t doing drugs.
“Of course I trust him,” one answered in response to the obvious question her friend posed. “He likes that I give him the test. Kids need a built-in excuse when they go to parties. This way,” she paused for emphasis, “he can tell the others that he gets drug tested and they won’t pressure him.”
“Couldn’t he just say ‘no thanks’?” I asked innocently. “To the drugs, I mean…” I continued when I received blank stares. Their expressions immediately summed up their opinions of me as if to ask, ‘Who the hell are you?’ and ‘Why are you so stupid?’
“Trust me. You’ll want to do this to your son,” the first woman answered. “Here’s my card.”
I took the card and thanked her, then immediately decided to leave the kitchen area before the urge to grab a steak knife and slit my throat from boredom overcame me. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to find the restroom.”
I made a beeline toward the restroom and then a sharp turn toward the side door leading to the backyard where Jack was playing a pick up game of basketball. “Whatcha doing?”
“What’s it look like?” he answered while running past me. He scored an easy shot and then handed the ball off to one of his friends who was waiting on the sidelines. “What’s the matter? The other reindeer aren’t letting you play any of their games?”
He knew me too well. I shook my head. “I’m bored. Want to play pool?”
He gave me a ‘not really’ look so I rolled my eyes and said the only grown-up response. “Okay, I’ll find something to do.”
“You need company?” Cole. His voice melted me and I turned toward the sound.
“Thanks, dude,” Jack answered. “Have fun,” he waved to me and no sooner took off back toward his game. Cole came closer, his words quiet, but their effect on me strong enough to move mountains.
“You look yummy. Let’s find something to do.”
I followed him with giddy excitement.
“You know, I’m really good at this game,” I said, leaning up against the ping-pong table in the games room. We were the only ones in the room as the parents were still congregated in the kitchen and the rest of Cole’s team was playing basketball.
I picked up a paddle and landed an awesome serve.
“No cheating…you think I wasn’t ready, but I’m always ready,” Cole announced and returned my ball.
Even though he returned it, at least I didn’t suck. Yet, my initial serve must have been an anomaly for most of my subsequent shots weren’t nearly as good. I had to try a different tactic if I wasn’t going to totally embarrass myself. I needed to make the best of the shots I missed. With each shot that went off the table, I made a good show of bending over to pick it up. I could feel Cole’s eyes following me
“I thought you said you were good at this game?”
I crossed my arms in mock anger. “I am.”
“Well, I’ve seen your athletic skills…he
re and on the field…and I’m pretty sure I can take you.”
“Do you want to make a wager on that?” I countered.
Cole caught the ball before it bounced on the table once more. “Are you willing to do what I want?” He walked around the table to where I stood and lightly rubbed the material of my blouse between his fingers while we both kept watch for anyone who might interrupt us.
“What would that be?”
“Make the bet and find out,” he dared.
“I’m not sure I live up to your expectations.” I needed to find out if I was just a conquest, something that he could brag to his friends about. I might have been in need of a really good time, but that didn’t mean that I wanted to be a one night stand. Nobody ever wants that and I was the type that loved with all my heart. It was, in fact, proving to be my downfall.
The more time I spent with Cole, the more my heart became involved in this…whatever this was. Was it a job, a dare, a deep need within me? Maybe all three. All I knew was it wasn’t something casual, at least not to me.
I waited for his response, wanting our flirtation to continue and at the same time scared of what we were doing. This dance of ours was heating up and it didn’t show any signs of cooling.
“I knew you would more than live up,” he whispered.
“You’re sure?” God I sounded insecure and I hated myself for it, but he was young and gorgeous and could easily pull any girl he wanted.
“I’ve wanted you from the moment I got to know you after spending three years wondering who you were. When I kissed you the other night…and everything else…all I could think of was how I wanted to do it again.”
I stared for a minute unable to speak. I wanted him too. At that moment, I knew that I would do anything for him. So I did what anyone in my position would. “Game on,” I answered and took another serve.
Chapter Twenty-One
We stayed in the game room of the party for two hours until Jack wandered in and said he was ready to leave. “I can’t believe you two have been playing this whole time.”
Cole and I just shrugged and then said our goodbyes, neither of us really wanting to leave, but unable and unwilling to create suspicion by staying any longer.
It was close to impossible to get through the week without seeing him. Our conversations during the party had progressed our relationship with Cole confiding in me about his family dynamics, not all of it great. Sometimes I felt that I was balancing a line between friendship, lover, and I hated to admit, but maternal figure as well with Cole talking to me about his disappointment in his parents and the way they handled some of the situations at home. I didn’t want him to think of me as a mom, although I was more than willing to be the shoulder he needed.
Following the party, we stayed in contact more than we had in the past. When our conversations weren’t serious, they were flirtatious with us taking to messaging each other, sometimes for hours. Sexting replaced texting in the late hours of the evening. I never imagined it could be so erotic. He knew how to turn me on with his mind, his body, and now his stories. It was wrong, but I teased him that he must be doing quite well in English class.
We didn’t see each other often, but I looked forward to our scheduled meetings with an anticipation I hadn’t felt from being with a guy in years. Two weeks went by before we had any reason or rather, any excuse, to see each other. Finally, an early morning training the following day provided a means to be together.
The practice was scheduled at an ungodly early hour and since the location was much closer to my place than where Jack was staying or where Cole lived, Jack suggested they both spend the night at my place. My heart did a little back flip and I found myself saying the words, “Please say yes,” over and over in my head as Cole seemed to weigh the consequences in his own mind.
Finally he turned to me. “You sure it’s not an inconvenience?”
I couldn’t blurt out, “Stay over! I want you!” so I looked to Jack. “Don’t you have an exam tomorrow? You were going to study tonight.” I didn’t want to say no to Cole, but my maternal instincts weighed out over my sexual ones.
“It’ll be fine,” Jack assured me.
“How about this idea?” I offered. “I have an errand to do at the mall, but you can come with me,” I said to Cole. “It’ll give Jack an hour of study time.”
“I’d be happy to keep you company.” Cole met my gaze and suddenly the innocent trip to the mall at night sounded much more date like.
The mall is a massive monstrosity of both indoor and outdoor shops. If one were to walk from one end to the other, they wouldn’t need to visit the gym that day. My errand was to simply pick up a t-shirt I had on hold at PacSun, located in the outdoor portion of the mall. Cole and I talked easily the entire way to the mall and didn’t stop our conversation upon arrival. He teased me about my little habits that he was becoming more familiar with such as the way I scratched my ear whenever I heard a fire siren.
“Why do you do that?”
“It’s an old superstition,” I explained as we walked to the next shop after picking up my shirt.
“And that didn’t answer my question.”
I wriggled my nose and puckered my mouth in an attempt to stop myself from laughing. It didn’t work. “You’re going to make so much fun of me.”
“I already do that,” he aptly pointed out.
“True. Okay, here it goes…I scratch my ear whenever I hear a siren because then the next time there’s a siren, I won’t be involved in the accident.”
He took my hands in his and turned me away from the clothing rack I was perusing to make me face him. “Kat, you would have a much easier time guaranteeing your safety if you wouldn’t do leg lifts while driving.”
“You saw that?!”
“I saw that. It’s truly terrifying.”
He released my hands and gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek.
“Sorry. I’ll stop when you’re in the car.”
“How ‘bout you just stop period?”
I weighed the possibility in my head. “It helps keep me in shape,” I argued.
“Kat…it’s terrifying.”
“Alright. I promise.”
We told Jack that he would have an hour to study so we took our time looking through the racks of clothes until there just weren’t any more to look at and the shop assistants seemed sufficiently irritated that we were still hanging out. As we walked back to my car, his hand lightly touched mine. He weaved his fingers between mine and brought my hand to his mouth for another light kiss.
When we got back to the car, I didn’t readily start the engine. I turned and looked at his gorgeous face bathed in the moonlight that shone through the window. “Thanks for coming out with me.”
“You’re welcome. Do we need to go back right away? I want you all to myself.” He pushed the seat backwards to give himself more room and I answered by doing the same to the driver’s seat where I sat.
I started to think back to my own high school days when my boyfriend and I would make out in his car. I was just reflecting back on the memory when he asked what I was thinking about.
“Nothing,” I said a bit faster than sounded like my normal speaking pattern. He laughed as if to call my bluff. The shadows cast a seductive light across our faces. I suddenly found it hard to breathe, and yet the pounding of my heart indicated that I felt more alive than I had in years.
“Hey…” he said, turning his body to face mine. I followed suit and we lay back in our seats, face-to-face in the moonlit darkness. “Are you really that bad at ping pong or did you keep missing the ball so you would have to bend over and torture me?”
“What do you mean? I asked innocently.
“Every time you went to chase that ball, my eyes followed. Your jeans perfectly outlining your butt…I wanted to stand behind you, wrap my arms around you and bring you close — feel your ass pressed up against me.”
His words and the admission that he wanted me, turned me on. I b
it my lower lip and inhaled deeply. I wasn’t in the mood to play the part of the demure female. I wanted him. If the allure of an older woman was partly that she knows what she wants, then I was ready to show him. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I reached for him, placing a hand on his neck and leading him to me.
We kissed and I swear I could hear my heart beating as if it were trying to escape my chest. I’ll always remember our moonlight tryst and how I could have stayed in this moment forever.
“You’re always with me…no matter where we are,” he said and in that moment I felt like I wanted to cry; my emotions for him were so strong. His words so beautiful they moved me. I felt his love for me and mine for him. But we had to leave.
We pulled ourselves away from each other. The stores had long closed and Jack would wonder why we were still out. Reverse parenting again. I couldn’t believe that I had to hurry home or my son would wonder about my whereabouts.
When we got back, Jack greeted us but was still in the midst of homework. Cole’s overnight bag still sat by the living room couch. When he picked it up, I knew it was my chance to spend just a few last moments alone with him.
“Want to help me make up the guest bed?” I asked.
“Sure.” He followed me to the guest room and the moment we were in it, the proximity of each other in relation to the bed made us both grow quiet. Jack was down the hallway; we were behind a closed door.
I couldn’t handle the unknown, not knowing whether he would make a move again. Jack had invited him over and that placed me in the category of mom, but I preferred when Cole saw me as a lover so I was bold. Cole was seated on the edge of the bed and I moved before him. And then even closer. I maneuvered my legs on either side of his lap and sat atop him, facing him, wanting his mouth on mine. He held onto my waist to hold me in place and did as I hoped, lowering his mouth and pressing his lips against my throat.
His mouth trailed kisses down my neck, slowly and tantalizingly, serving to put me into a frenzy. It was so hot and yet we couldn’t risk speaking a word or uttering the slightest sound. My hands were weaved into his hair and finally, he caught my wrists and pulled them to my sides. He looked at me in his stern manner that I had come to find so masculine and powerful. But this time, it felt like I was being scolded.
