Dear Diary

by Nancy Bush

  “J.D. doesn’t get the message unless you hit him over the head with a two-by-four. Seriously, don’t even be friendly to him, Rory, or he’ll think you want to sleep with him.”

  She almost laughed at Nick’s proprietary tone. He was worse than a big brother. But a part of her responded to the deep caring that went along with it‌—‌the same part that wanted to curl up in his arms and cry her eyes out over Ryan.

  “I’ll remember,” she said dryly.

  Nick’s room was at the end of the hall. A single bed was pressed against the north wall, a chest of drawers against the south. A round straw mat covered the hardwood floor almost wall to wall, and a crude bookshelf and desk were the only other pieces of furniture. A fish tank glowed with green light.

  Rory walked straight over to the aquarium. She felt out of place, and why not? She hadn’t seen enough of Nick these last few years to call him more than an old acquaintance, and she didn’t know any of his friends. Except Jenny Sumpter. “Tropical fish, huh?” she said, bending down to look at the exotically colored tetras, angel fish and others.

  “My ex-roommate’s passion. I inherited them when he graduated.”

  “If they’re his passion, why didn’t he take them with him?”

  “They were just his latest passion. That’s how he was. Fell in love, fell out of love.” Nick lightly tapped the glass with his fingers, and the fish instantly swam his way. “They’re an easy pet,” he said, unscrewing the lid from a small bottle of fish food. “Here.” He handed the bottle to Rory. “Just put a little bit on top of the water.”

  She sprinkled food on the surface. So quick she almost didn’t see it, several fish darted upward, then back down to safer waters. “How do you like cleaning the tank?”

  “Pain in the ass. But it gives me an excuse to get away when things downstairs start to get too much.”

  She glanced sideways at him. His gaze was fixed on the fish tank, his expression serious. “What do you mean?”

  “J.D. and Kevin and the others. Sometimes they get going on something and I need a reason to escape.” He shrugged. “How about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Come on, Rory. This is Nick you’re talking to, remember? I’ve asked you to come here a thousand times, and now suddenly you’re here within twenty-four hours of our last conversation.”

  “Can’t an old friend just show up without a reason?”

  “No.” He shook his head and half-laughed. “That’s not the way it works.”

  Rory walked to the center of the room, away from Nick. At some level she’d thought she could throw herself in his arms and have Nick take away all the hurt. He was her big brother, her friend, her hero. A part of her wanted him to gallop on a white charger all the way to Washington State, grab Ryan by the throat and shake the life out of him.

  But another part of her wanted to cry. Only she hated crying and refused to indulge in it. “I’m just having a tough time at school,” she said. “It’s been one of those terms.”

  “Lame excuse, but if you don’t want to talk, okay.” He suddenly took two steps to meet her, hugging her so fiercely that it squeezed the breath from Rory’s lungs. Her eyes widened in surprise. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  She hadn’t hugged Nick since the night he’d kissed her at the Movie Haus. She’d hardly even touched him. That just wasn’t their relationship. Now, though, she felt the unmistakable strength in the arms that surrounded her. The muscles of his back moved like a liquid beneath her rigid fingers. His thighs brushed hers. She could smell his skin, clean and slightly tangy. Her breasts were pressed to his chest. His breathing filled her ears. The hair on the back of his neck lay smooth and silky.

  A horn blared outside, long and shrill. Nick inhaled sharply and turned, letting go of Rory in one quick movement that wasn’t meant to repel but did. She was too bemused to even think of a clever remark. Belatedly she realized that although the embrace had knocked the stuffing from her, Nick must not feel the same.

  “It’s Jenny,” he said. A smile spread across his face as he watched from the window. He lifted a hand in greeting. “About time she got here.”

  Dinner was pizza delivered from the Pizza Man, a personal friend of Nick and his buddies, Rory learned, as a day hardly passed without someone ordering out, apparently.

  She ate one slice though her stomach was in such knots she could scarcely swallow. What in God’s name was she doing here? She had a ton of work at school, and Ryan, though still a gaping wound, was soon going to be just another memory if it killed her.

  The beanbag chair Rory had found in the corner of the living room provided a great way to hide. She ate her pizza in near anonymity. More co-eds had dropped by during the course of the evening. Friends of Nick or J.D. or Kevin. Since Nick’s attention was on Jenny, no one paid any attention to Rory. Good. She wanted to be forgotten.

  Glancing around the room, Rory grimaced. She’d never even tried once to fix her hair or makeup the way these girls did. Good God, it looked as if they spent weeks getting ready just to go to the grocery store. And as far as clothes went, well, who had that kind of money? Rory had used every dime she’d earned from working to pay for her education.

  But Ryan hadn’t seemed to care, she remembered ruefully. He’d noticed her in a crowd, had actually picked her out from among a group of much prettier girls. Rory had been extremely flattered. Stupidly so. She’d responded to his attention like the love starved woman she was. She’d wanted someone to care for her, to love and cherish her.

  Their relationship had started slowly. Rory, whose only memorable kiss had been from Nick, had been so nervous the first time Ryan’s lips brushed across hers that her hands sweated. Luckily, Ryan had taken his time. He hadn’t pressured her. She’d thought him incredibly understanding. Here, finally, was someone who wanted to know her, the real Rory Camden. He wasn’t in an awful rush to get her into bed. He wasn’t looking for a one night stand. He’d wanted something meaningful, something lasting, just as she did.

  She hadn’t known she was being played by a master.

  Over the course of several blind, beautiful months, D-Day had finally arrived. Ryan wanted to sleep with her. Certain she was in love, Rory agreed, but she had to fight back the fear of intimacy that plagued her.

  It turned out okay. No bells rang and a choir didn’t break into song, but then she was inexperienced and embarrassed and so, what could she expect? It didn’t matter anyway. She was in love. So in love that all her defense mechanisms were dismantled, useless, forgotten.

  Unaware that she was setting herself up for the biggest fall of her life, Rory let herself be swept away on a wave of passion and adventure. It never occurred to her to ask why Ryan had chosen her. Not after that first night. It also never occurred to her to ask him what he did on the evenings he didn’t spend with her.

  She found out slowly. The first clue was a paper she accidentally discovered within the pages of his economics book. Caroline, it said, followed by a number encircled with a heart. Rory hadn’t asked. But she’d kept the note.

  Then one afternoon Rory received a knock on her apartment door. A young woman she’d never met before stood there. She introduced herself as Diane. It turned out that Diane had just found out about Rory and she was fulminating with rage. She told Rory everything about Ryan, every little horrible thing, much, much more than Rory had wanted to hear.

  Surfacing from her romantic fantasy had been terrible. She’d fought it like a drug addict who refused help; she’d only wanted the feeling to go on and on. But in the end, her own innate sense of self-worth was what saved her. No matter how much she might’ve wanted to, she couldn’t fool herself for long. When Ryan came by that night, Rory had refused to let him inside. She told him about meeting Diane. She told him what she thought of him. She told him it was over. He’d listened without emotion, and she realized later that he didn’t even really care.

  That had been two weeks ago, but then two days ago she ran
into him on campus. He was with a beautiful brunette girl with a model’s body. Rory had coldly ignored him, hoping he and his girl didn’t notice her. But he did, and his vanity finally got to him because as she passed by he made a crack about “making it with a virgin” and how glad he was that said virgin had “filled that gap in his education.” Rory had made it all the way back to her apartment before she’d started to shake.

  Now, Rory closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. How could I have been so wrong about him? How could I have been so naïve!

  Miserably she swallowed the final bite of her pizza. Here she was and she couldn’t even confide in Nick. It was too humiliating. But it was better than sitting around her apartment and berating herself for being such a total moron.

  Feeling someone’s gaze on her, she lifted her eyelids. J.D. was standing near the archway. He lifted his beer, silently asking if she wanted one. Rory shook her head, her lips twisting wryly. She didn’t know what J.D. wanted, but it didn’t matter. One thing she’d learned‌—‌and it had been a hard lesson‌—‌was to never trust men. Nick could worry about her all he liked, but she was impervious.

  J.D., however, wasn’t eager to take no for an answer. Through the crush of bodies, loud music and incessant talking, he made his way to Rory’s side. Rory glanced around for Nick and Jenny. They were nowhere in sight. In fact, since Jenny had appeared, she and Nick had been missing from the party. Rory wondered how serious their relationship was. The thought of them together‌—‌maybe making love right at this minute‌—‌made her feel slightly sick.

  “So you’re Nick’s mysterious girlfriend,” J.D. said, squeezing past a dancing couple to stand over her. He acted as if that topic hadn’t been exhausted already.

  “Once again, we’re friends. Period.”

  Condensation dripped off his bottle onto Rory’s knee. “Never anything more? Come on. You can tell your old buddy, J.D.” He grinned like a devil and squatted down on the floor in front of her at eye level. “Nick isn’t the kind of guy to not notice someone like you.”

  Unbidden, the moment of that one kiss she’d shared with Nick flitted across Rory’s mind. She shivered involuntarily. Amazing. She thought she’d forgotten about it. After all, it was Nick.

  “In fact,” J.D. confided, pushing closer until his face was a hairsbreadth from hers, “I think old Nick is carrying a torch for you. I’ve seen your pictures in his room.”

  “I wouldn’t put too much weight on that. Again, we’re friends,” Rory repeated firmly, leaning back as far as she could. Where did guys like J.D. get off? She was tired of men playing games with her.

  He made the colossal mistake of sliding his hand up her inner thigh. “Get your hands off me,” Rory said quietly. “Or, so help me, I’ll kick you where the sun don’t shine.”

  His brows lifted but his smile didn’t leave his lips. “Is this how you treat Nick?”

  Rory plucked his hand off her inner thigh and flung it aside. “Not okay. Ya, got that?”

  He held up his hands. “Whoa.” Clearly this wasn’t the usual reaction to his overbearing charm. Rory never moved her eyes from his. Beneath her bravado, her heart was thundering in her chest. She could scarcely breathe. But she’d be damned if she let him see that. She was going to give him five seconds, then she was going to do something drastic.

  “What’s the matter with you?” Jenny Sumpter asked, her smile teasing. “I swear, if you don’t pay some attention to me, I’m going to get a complex!”

  “Sorry.” Nick jerked his gaze from the living room doorway back to Jenny. The crown of her head reached his shoulder as she stood in front of him, hands on her hips slim hips in a pose of mock anger. A metallic belt cinched in the waist of her long skirt, and her tanned slim arms were shown off well by her white tank top. Jenny was pretty and teasing. Sometimes the way she turned her head or looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, her lips fighting a smile, reminded him a little of Rory.

  Rory. His chest tightened. Something was going on with her. He didn’t know what, but his instincts where she was concerned were unerring. Trouble. Her eyes were full of suppressed emotion. Hurt, anxiety, misery, fury. He wanted to help. Hell, she’d come to him for help. Why else would she be here? But the timing was awful, and there was Jenny.

  “Well?” Jenny asked, her brows lifting.

  Impulsively he pulled her close and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Eager to please, she tossed her arms around his neck and giggled.

  “I’ve got to check on Rory,” he said, pushing her to arm’s length, his lips caught in the tangle of her hair.

  “What is she‌—‌helpless or something?”

  “Rory?” He laughed silently.

  “Then why do you feel like you have to protect her?”

  “I just want make sure she has a good time, and that my roommates don’t bother her.”

  He tried to ease away from her, but Jenny was reluctant to let go. “If she’s so tough, she can take care of herself. I’m the one who’s weak and needs protection.”

  “Like a barracuda,” he teased dryly.

  “Nick!”

  “You are a woman who always gets what she wants.”

  “Does that include you?”

  “Of course,” he said. Clasping her hand, he led her down the hallway to the living room. There were people everywhere.

  “Hi, Nick,” a blond named Hannah greeted him as she squeezed by.

  “Is there a brown-haired girl with blue eyes in there somewhere?” he asked her.

  “Beats me.” She drifted outside to where soft rain was pattering against the porch roof.

  Jenny tugged on Nick’s hand. “Let’s go somewhere. These parties are boring.”

  “In a minute.” He let go of her, slipping past dancing bodies to the center of the room. And that was when he saw her, with J.D.’s hand resting on her inner thigh and her gaze drilling into him in a way that would have intimidated any normal male. But J.D. possessed the sensitivity of a Cro-Magnon. Nick threaded his way toward them.

  “… Not okay. Ya got that?”

  Rory’s tone was glacial. The power of her personality was stamped on her determined chin. Her lips, normally full and wide, were a thin line of pure fury. The nostrils of her pug nose were flared in outrage. For a heartbeat Nick almost laughed, until J.D. daringly placed his hand back where it was on Rory’s inner thigh.

  She slapped him, her hand quick as a cobra as she thrust his hand away. Only then did Nick see how she was trembling.

  “Jesus!” J.D. bellowed.

  Nick lunged for J.D.’s arm before his friend could react. “Hey, buddy,” he said. “Lighten up. We’ve got places to go. Jenny wants to leave. Rory, I’ve been looking for you. You want something besides pizza?”

  She didn’t even glance his way. If looks could kill, J.D. would be a pile of ashes. It was J.D. who responded, “I’m outta here,” he snarled. “This bitch is all yours.”

  He bulldozed his way through the crowd. Nick’s gaze was on Rory, who regarded him with wide, hollow eyes. He wanted to draw her into his arms but sensed she wouldn’t let him. He felt the way she’d frozen in his arms earlier. As ever, she erected a shield that no one could pierce.

  “J.D.’s an ass,” he said.

  Rory didn’t answer.

  “A complete ass. And worse.” When she still didn’t respond, he added, “At least you nailed him. That’s worth something.”

  “He wouldn’t stop touching me.”

  “He deserved worse than the slap.”

  Rory finally focused on him. Her bottom lip was quivering and she bit down hard on it. Nick’s heart went out to her, but when he moved forward she shrank away.

  “I need to… get myself together,” she said unevenly. “I think I’ll go to your room. Oh, God.” Her voice broke. “Is it empty?”

  “No one goes in my room but me.” He stretched out a hand to help her to her feet. She ignored him and struggled upward by herself.

  “Are you
coming with us, Rory?” Jenny asked brightly from behind him.

  Nick turned. Jenny had witnessed everything. Her dark eyes were alive with curiosity.

  “No… thanks,” Rory answered with a shake of her head. “I’m tired.” She made a beeline for the stairs.

  Jenny looked askance at Nick.

  “I’ll be with you in a minute,” he told her, following after Rory. “Just give me a minute.” Then he bounded up the stairs two at a time after Rory.

  Why did I come? Rory asked herself, slamming Nick’s bedroom door and leaning against it. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire! She needed help getting over Ryan, not a come-on from another loser guy on the make.

  Clenching her fists, she gritted back a scream of anguish. Damn! Damn, damn… .

  The door opened behind her and she stumbled forward.

  “Rory?” Nick asked in concern.

  “Go away,” she said on a half-laugh. “Go be with Jenny. I’m fine. Really. I’m just… tired. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have come, but I’m okay. Let me go to sleep and I’ll be gone by seven o’clock tomorrow morning.”

  “I gotta apologize. J.D.’s such a–”

  “No, no. It’s okay. I’m over it.”

  “I tried to cancel this party. As soon as I knew you were coming.”

  “You don’t have to drop everything for me. I didn’t give you any notice.”

  “But I’d like to be with you,” he said honestly.

  Rory felt treacherous tears gathered behind her eyelids. Nick just seemed to get her and so few people did. “Thanks, but you should take Jenny somewhere. I really would like to be alone.” He’d brought up her sleeping bag and now she started to unroll it. “You can bring me something back. I don’t care what time. Two a.m.? Later? Whenever.”

  “Don’t leave.” Nick was firm.

  “I’m not going to take off for Pullman tonight. I’m not that crazy,” she assured him.