"I met a woman in rehab," he finally speaks. "Her name was Karen. I thought I loved her."
I struggle with what to say. "Caleb told me you two were married briefly."
He doesn't flinch at the words so I know he's already aware of how much information his brother had uncovered about the parts of his life he's been hiding from all of us. "It was only a few weeks. I knew once I was done with the program that it wasn't a real bond. I didn't love her the way she needed me to."
"How did she feel about you?"
"She hated me," he chuckles softly. "She loved me. She didn't want to let me go."
I study his profile. The contours of his face have changed since he became a man. There's still softness in his jawline and youthfulness in his eyes. I'm only a year older than him but I've always felt as though he was much younger than me.
He turns abruptly to look directly at me. "She was pregnant. We were together once after we both got out of rehab and she got pregnant."
"When did you find out?" I still.
"A couple of months ago," he says regretfully. "She'd been trying to contact me for weeks but I ignored her calls and texts. She came by the office one day and I had security remove her without even talking to her."
I look back at the wet city. "What happened that day? The day you were arrested?"
He scrubs his hand over his brow. "I'd seen her the day before to talk about custody and money. She wanted something in place before the baby arrived."
I don't say anything. I don't want to derail what he's feeling or sharing.
"Her doctor suggested an amniocentesis because of her drug use." He shakes his head as he rests his elbows on his knees. "I wouldn't have cared if there was anything wrong with him. I would have taken care of him."
The emotion in his voice is all the proof anyone would need of how desperately Asher loved that baby. "I know you would have."
He nods as his eyes lock on mine. "All of those tests came back fine. He's a healthy baby."
I smile even though I'm caught in a circle of confusion. "What happened to the baby, Asher?"
"My attorney wanted me to request paternity testing." He shrugs his shoulder. "I asked Karen and she refused so we got a court order."
"The baby isn't…"
"He's not," he interrupts me. "I got the call that morning that the results were in so I went to pick them up and that's what it said. There's zero chance I'm the father."
"I'm sorry." I say unsure of what I can add that will offer anything in the form of comfort. "I'm really sorry."
He looks at me with both brows raised. "That news changed my life, Bell. It made me realize how much I want to be a dad."
It's the silver lining he needs to find to make the situation feel okay. I get that. He used to do it when we were in college too and he'd failed a class or bomb a test. The positive is what always pulls him through.
"I came to your office the morning after I was arrested to tell you." He slides his fingers against the glass of the window. "I couldn't do it. I couldn't say the words out loud."
"I'm glad you told me now."
"Me too," he says roughly. "You deserve to know what pushed me to run."
I clasp my hands together in my lap, wanting to reach out to embrace him but knowing that he needs to find his own strength within. "How are you feeling now?"
I'm going back to therapy. I'm working on my music too." He taps his fingers on the arm of the chair. "I need to grow up. I want to be a good husband and father one day. That's my goal. If I can have that, I'll have everything."
Chapter 42
"You look beautiful, Rowan."
I don't want to turn around. It's the first time I've heard his voice since I left the house in the Hamptons. I've tried to busy myself with work but it's been useless.
I hear my office door close and I know that he's standing in the small space with me. I smooth my hands over the navy skirt that I'm wearing. I'd gotten up extra early today and had headed to a yoga class to try and work off some of the unbearable tension I feel throughout my body. I had hoped that it would offer me an escape from the emotional abyss I've been floating in. When I was done there, I felt just as tied up in knots as I had before so I'd hit the gym. By the time I'd taken my body to its limits, I had only a few minutes to ready myself for work. I'd showered quickly before I ran a comb through my hair and pulled on the skirt and a light blue short sleeved sweater. I look like I feel inside; tousled and weary.
"Caleb," I whisper his name as I pivot on my heel to face him. "Why are you here?"
He's sharply dressed in a dark grey suit. His hair is combed, his face shaved. He looks as though he just spent a week at a spa enjoying tropical drinks and long massages. "I wanted to talk."
Of course he did. He decided to show his face again when he'd gathered up the emotional strength to finally look me in the eye.
"How have you been?" he asks hoarsely.
I stare at him. It's a question you ask someone you spot on the street that you haven't seen in years. It's a generic greeting meant to fill in the empty space between two people who have nothing left to say to one another. It's not the words a man says to a woman after he's claimed her body and brought her more pleasure than she can absorb.
"How have I been? I repeat back with my brow furrowed. "How have I been?"
He rakes his hand through his hair. "Bell, please. I fucked up. I really fucked up."
"Do you know how I've felt?" My hand trembles as I reach for my chest. "Do you know how deep the ache is that is inside of me?"
His eyes follow the path of my hand. "I know. I feel it. It's inside of me too."
It can't be. If it was, he would have come to my apartment days ago and swept me into his arms. If he felt the same loss and longing that I do, he would have called to tell me that he was sorry. He wouldn’t have waited almost an entire week to show up in the middle of the day at my office.
"You pull me close and then you push me away." My hands fly into the air between us, mimicking a pushing motion. "You want me, and then you don't. You fuck me, and then you leave. You can't do it. You can't do that to me."
He moves one step closer. The scent of his cologne wafts through the air as he leans down to look into my eyes. "I have wanted you since I can remember. I have fucked other women to try and forget about you. I asked a woman to marry me so I could kill the need that is inside of me for you. I have been living with this need for my entire life. It never goes away. Ever."
His words hit me with such a force that I stumble on my feet. I have to reach for the side of my desk to steady my balance. "You don't mean that."
"You can't see it." He reaches out to grab hold of my hand. "You've never been able to see it."
He's wrong. I've seen glimpses of desire over the years but they've always been fleeting. "Why haven't you told me before now?"
He rubs his fingers over the top of his lip. "When you were a senior in college I made a trip to see you."
I can't push my mind back to that place right now. "I don't remember."
"It was during semester break." He reaches towards me, brushing his fingers against my cheek. "Asher had sent me a picture of the two of you. God, you looked amazing. Your hair was pinned on top of your head and you were staring right at the camera."
I wish I could remember the image. Asher had taken hundreds of pictures in college to document his time there. I'd made him delete dozens because he'd caught me, and many of my friends, off guard.
"I'm sorry. I can't remember what picture that is."
"I'll never forget that photograph." He throws his head back briefly before he looks at me again. "I came to tell you that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I knew you were set to graduate and I was panicked that since you weren't accepting our job offer, that you'd take a position across the country or on the other side of the world."
"So you came to see me?" I know I sound utterly confused because that's exactly how I feel. I remember virtually every conve
rsation I've ever had with him. I don't remember seeing him during semester break of my senior year.
"I did." He rubs the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. "I wanted to kiss you so badly. I had it all planned out."
"You didn't?" I can't contain a smile.
His tongue darts out over his lips. "I had planned to tell Asher to have you standing in a spot where you'd see me approaching across the quad."
I nod silently.
"You'd see me and you'd wave and as I got closer, you'd realize that I was holding that stuffed bear you used to sleep with when you came to the house in the Hamptons. I still have that thing in my apartment."
My eyes fill with tears. As much as I don't want to cry, I can't quell the emotional roller coaster I feel myself riding. "You have it?"
He cradles my cheek in his palm. "You'd see the bear and you'd see my face and you'd feel everything that I feel."
I close my eyes wanting the world to whisk me back to that day. "That never happened. I was never on the quad with Asher."
"When I called to tell him that I was coming, he told me about Tom." He swallows hard. "He told me you were in love and happy. He said you were so happy."
I was. I thought I was. I did love Tom as much as I could before I realized that his addictions would always be his first love. "I was happy then."
"I went to Europe so I wouldn't get in the way." His eyes wander to the wall behind me. "I wanted to come there and tell you that he was wrong for you, but I couldn't do that, Bell. I called and wished you and Tom well instead because I just wanted to hear your voice. It killed me that I missed my chance."
I stare at him while I try to piece together the disjointed pieces of that time in my life. Tom and I were planning our future then. We'd already started looking at apartments. I believed he was my happily-ever-after until months later when I truly understood the depth of his dependence on cocaine.
"I met Vena right after that," he says quietly. "I hooked up with her because she filled an empty spot."
"You loved her. You were going to marry her." I drop my gaze to the floor.
"I don't think I ever really loved her." His chest expands as he pulls in a deep breath. "I used her to forget about you."
Chapter 43
When Tom left me, I wanted Caleb. I can't pretend that isn't my reality. I met a man right after the break up and I slept with him on our second date just so I could feel something. The entire time I was in bed with him, Caleb was in my thoughts. I didn't close my eyes and imagine it was Caleb fucking me. That wouldn't have worked even if I wanted it to. The man didn't look like him, he smelled nothing like Caleb and the size of his body wasn't comparable in the least, but he did give me something I needed. He took me to a place for a little more than an hour where my emotional pain ceased to exist. I was grateful and we dated a few times after that but it didn't fill the void that Tom left.
When all that dust settled, and I was finally alone, I wanted to talk to Caleb. I called him and instead of returning my call, he'd come to see me. The very first words out of his mouth were about Vena. He brought her to meet me the very next day. He looked content and excited and when he left my apartment with her, I'd cried not for the loss of what could have been. It wasn't about that. Back then I was mourning the loss of my own dream of being with Tom and Caleb's apparent happiness only punctuated the pain I was already in.
"You were happy when you told me that you were getting married." My arms wrap around my waist. I'm trying to shelter myself. I feel it. "You were planning your wedding."
"I was fond of Vena," he admits as he shuffles on his feet. "She was fun and carefree. I'd never met anyone like her before."
I hadn’t probed Caleb for any details about his fiancé at the time but Asher was overflowing with information. He told me that his brother and Vena had a passionate affair that ended when he returned to the States. According to Asher, they missed each other so much that Caleb arranged for her to fly to New York to live with him. It was fast, intense and within just a few months, they were engaged.
"She was beautiful," I begin before I stop to correct myself. "She is beautiful. I only met her that one time but I've seen pictures of her online."
"I haven't seen her in years." He takes a step back before he bends his legs to lower himself into one of the chairs in front of my desk. "I don't keep in touch with her."
"How did it end?" It's a question that has been haunting me since he showed up at my apartment that night after the engagement was called off. "She ended it?"
"Yes." He frowns. "We argued about everything. Where to live, when to have children, what color to paint the foyer; we couldn't agree on anything anymore."
"I know it was hard for you."
He glances briefly at my desk and the bouquet of flowers I bought myself on my way to work yesterday. "Losing Vena wasn't hard. I didn't miss her after we ended things."
"You were upset," I say wearily. "You were upset for months."
"She broke emotionally when she found out I was fucking someone else." He grazes his hand over his chin. "We ended things on a Friday and Saturday night I was in bed with a woman I met at a club."
I'm taken back by the admission. "That's fast."
"Physically, maybe." He half-shrugs. "Emotionally I had checked out of the relationship with Vena months before."
"I didn't know that it had gotten that bad between you."
He crosses his legs as he looks up at me. "I thought that if I married her, I'd satisfy something within me. Part of it was pressure from my mother. She adored Vena and still does. I guess another part of it was my need to fulfill Vena's dreams since she'd helped me overcome a lot of my own bullshit. I pushed aside all of the doubt I was feeling to give it a chance. I was a ticking time bomb. It really fell apart right when we were making plans for the wedding."
"You never told me about any of this." I'm not being accusatory. My relationship with Caleb has always had an ebb and flow to it that neither of us completely understood. There were so many complicated facets to it that I've always just accepted it for what it is.
"Vena was a mess after we split." His breath hisses out between clenched teeth. "I hate talking about this but she fell apart. It took her months to finally get back on her feet and she still hates me to this day."
"You're not responsible for that." I want to sound comforting but that's not how it sounds at all. "Vena handled the break up in her own way."
"She loved me, Rowan." His voice is raw. "She loved me and I let her down."
Chapter 44
"I'm not her, Caleb."
The angle of his face changes. He tilts his head gently to the left so his eyes catch mine. "You're nothing like her."
"You think I'll fall apart the way she did?" I cross my legs at the ankles as I lean back against my desk. "You're scared that I'll be destroyed if things don't work out between us?"
His left brow arches as he considers the question. He pauses before he answers. "No. It's not just that."
I should probably point out that he's wasted the past fifteen minutes of his life explaining his relationship to Vena to me if it has no bearing on his reluctance to let the emotional barriers he's built around himself down. "What is it then? Why do you pull back every time we get close?"
"It's me," he continues, "I'm more like Vena than you are. If things don't work out between us, we'll both be destroyed."
I can't argue with him. I've had a taste of the pain that is born from being rejected by him and it's deep and unrelenting. "It hurts me when you push me away."
A flash of something unfamiliar darts over his expression. He winces slightly before he clears his throat. "I fucked up after we made love. I really fucked up."
"I wanted to talk about things." I realize how pathetic that sounds, but I don't care. I'm not trying to impress a man I just met. I'm not trying to be strong for the sake of saving my self-esteem. This is Caleb and me. If I can't be brutally honest with him, we'll never have a chance.<
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"I came to the house so I could fuck you," he growls softly as he says the words. "I was in the house for hours before I came to your room."
"What?"
"I got there in the middle of the night. I let myself in." He stretches his legs out in front of him. "I watched you sleeping. I was so hard."
"I had no clue you were there."
"You were fast asleep and then you got up." He smiles softly. "Christ, I almost grabbed you in the hallway when you walked out of the bedroom."
"You were watching me? You just stood there watching me?"
His shoulders slouch forward. "I was mesmerized. It felt like time had stopped and I was breathing for the first time."
I don't say anything. I can't. My ability to speak has vanished because of the pressure of my emotions within my chest.
"Then you went back to bed and I came into the room," he rasps. "I couldn’t control my need anymore. I stood there, willing you to wake back up and when you did I saw it in your face. I saw how much you wanted me."
I'd be wasting my energy trying to deny that. I had been just as eager to taste his lips again as he had been to taste mine. My lust had ruled each and every movement I made that morning and I don't regret any of it. I finally got to have the one man I've longed for my entire life.
"I've never been with a man like you," I confess quietly. "I've never felt those things before."
He's on his feet so quickly, his mouth pressing tenderly over mine. I grab hold of his hands as they cup my cheeks.
"I want to try, Bell," he whispers the words softly against my lips. "I want to try and give you everything you need."
My heart stalls. "You can't push me away if it's too much. You need to talk to me."
"I'm scared," he admits as he rests his forehead against mine. "I'll hurt myself before I'll cause you pain."
"I won't let that happen." I glide my mouth over his again. I will do everything in my power to not let it happen. I'll fight with all that I am to make certain that Caleb and I get the chance at happiness we deserve.
Chance Page 14
