by J. Dorothy
It's a heady feeling, dizzying, all consuming. I actually feel like crying. Like I've found something I've been searching for without even knowing I wanted it. How can I have these strong kind of feelings after only knowing him a few days? Most guys before now have represented either fun, or a means to an end, with little to no emotional connection on my part. Like we both have roles to play and if we stay in character we'll do just fine. With Tanning there is no, just fine, there are no roles. I want so much more with him and to be honest it scares me. Scares me that he doesn't feel the same way, and could leave any second. The more I open my heart, the more scared I am. Cam's feelings for Bailey make sense to me now. The hurt and pain he must have experienced would have been torture.
Tanning kisses the top of my head and relaxes his arms, I don't let go of him. I don't want to. Then I realize how pathetic I must seem and drag my arms away so there's space between us.
“About that coffee,” he says and smiles at me.
He must be tired. He hasn't had much sleep. “Um ... of course, I'll make you some.”
“You haven’t yet?”
“Ah. No. I was planning too, but when everyone disappeared, and I saw the washcloth covered in blood, I kind of panicked.”
He scratches his head and rubs at his temple. “Sorry about that. We kind of left in a hurry when Bailey cut her foot and I realized it'd need stitches. She's a bit of a baby when it comes to blood.”
I give a small smile. I've never been squeamish. My dad is a diabetic, so I’ve watched him test his blood sugar levels millions of times.
“Some people are. I better make sure to check the floor again.”
Tanning grabs my hand. “No. You make the coffee and I'll do that. I don't want you to get hurt.”
I look at him and smile wider. He is so kind and nice and gorgeous. How did I never notice him in High School. I was such an idiot. Chasing after some superficial ideal of what I was supposed to do, and who I was supposed to date. Suddenly I want to apologize to him for all that.
“Tanning.” He turns to me again. I bite my lip before saying, “I um ... I just want to say sorry.”
He furrows his brow. “For what?”
“For being a bitch to you in High School.”
He chuckles lightly, but there's still some bitterness there. “Okay.”
I hold his hand firmer. “I mean it. I want you to know I'm not like that anymore.”
“Yeah. I'm beginning to see that. And by the way, thank god.” He chuckles again, but this time there's relief and humor in that laugh.
I pull him forward toward the kitchen. “Come on. I'll make you that coffee. And if you're really lucky, I'll bake some more of those cookies you like so much.”
“Well for those cookies, I'd forgive anything, Sweet Cheeks. “
I literally beam at him. I am so loving my new nickname.
Well, I am now it's coming from Tanning's beautiful lips.
NiNe
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We've been sitting chatting for the past two hours. Tanning has devoured a whole plate of my cookies, not sure where he puts them, his stomach is flat and rock hard. Must be all that work out he gets from his job. He's told me about his family and what it's been like living in Chicago. His uncle owns the construction company that offered him the apprenticeship. Tanning said he really loves it and is looking forward to leaving and starting his degree. Which irritates the hell out of me, though I choose to ignore that for now. His dad retired from the military a few years ago, and his mother is some kind of computer wiz. That explains the geeky vibe he had going on in High School. He has twin sisters who are much younger and from the way he smiles when he talks about them, sounds like he idolises them. He'd be the best big brother. I wish I'd had a big brother like that when I was growing up. Someone to look out for me. I always looked out for myself. I didn't have brothers and sisters. It was just me, mom and dad.
Tanning's tried to ask about me a few times, but I've managed to divert the conversation back to him. I'm not that comfortable talking about my past. It's not that pretty, and I'm not that proud of the person I was. Well, not now I'm talking to Tanning.
He pushes the plate away and pats his stomach then gives me an intense stare, before saying, “I um ... wanted to talk to you. Um ... about last night ... when we ... when I ... kissed you.”
Okay. Good conversation topic. I'd like to talk about that as well. Although I'd rather a re-enactment. Mmmm ... that thought makes my cheeks flush, and my heart rate increases a little. We've managed to keep the conversation away from that until now.
I give him a quick smile. “Okay.”
He doesn't smile back, instead he twists his lips and leans forward.
Uh-oh! This doesn't look good. He looks way too serious.
“I um ... shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have given you the wrong impression.”
Shit. Where is this coming from?
I thought we were past the hating me stage and moving on to the liking me stage.
I suck in a quiet breath. Hold it together JJ.
“Okay,” I say again, because I have no clue what else to say.
Tanning blows out a breath. “I just. Um ... wasn’t thinking straight. I'm really glad I've got to know you again, though. Can we call a truce and be friends?”
Oh great. The friends speech. I can honestly say, I have never given, or received this speech before. I've heard other girls cry about it, and thought they were pathetic. Normally I either dumped the guy, or he left town. End of story. No let's be friends. What the hell?
Now the fake smile appears. There it is. So I haven't lost it. My insides are squirming and I'm screaming in my head, but no one would know. The fake smile hides it all. And this time I'm really hoping it hides my true feelings from Tanning. I should have known better. I shouldn't have let him get to me. I am so stupid.
“Yeah. Friends would be good,” I say and sound so sincere. I should have been an actress.
Tanning leans his elbows on the table and looks at me. I turn my head toward the clock on the wall, like I'm checking the time. I don't want him looking too closely. I can feel a huge lump in my throat and the tears burning the back of my eyes. I dig my nails into the palms of my hands to keep a grip.
“I just think, we'd be better as friends,” he says softly and glances at my stomach.
Oh. Light bulb moment.
Of course. I'm a package deal most guys run a mile from. I thought … no, I hoped, Tanning might be different. Like Cam is. I'm pretty sure he’ll get over Bailey being pregnant, because he loves her and that's the bottom line. Obviously Tanning isn't like that. And I get it. I really do. I mean who wants to take their pregnant girlfriend home to meet their nice conservative parents when the baby isn't his. A guy like Tanning wouldn't want that kind of mess in his nice life.
Now the tears are really threatening. I need to get out of here.
“Shit, look at the time. I have to go. I forgot I've got a salon appointment.” I get up taking the plate and cups, dumping them in the sink.
I give Tanning another smile and it takes all my strength to keep it pasted on my face. “I'll, um catch you later.”
He keeps looking at me, like he doesn't quite believe me, but he doesn't move. I don't wait any longer. I'm going to lose it big time, and there is only one place I can go where no one will follow, or find me. So I rush out of the room and grab my purse on the way down the hall. Once I reach my car I push on the handle with shaking hands and get in. I let out the first sob and the threatening tears start to stream down my face. I continue to put the keys in the ignition and start the beetle, then I slam it into reverse and set off down the drive.
I drive out of town heading for Wicca Woods. That place always calms me. Most people are freaked out by the alleged goings on there. Me. I just find it peaceful. And right now I need some peace. A place to think and process. A place to set my thoughts straight. I turn down the dirt track and pass the bloodi
ed sign. Such a touristy thing, but I like it. I head for Lover's Lane. The place where it's said two lovers were burned together hundreds of years ago. The whole ground is still blackened, nothing has ever grown there. Though I suspect its part of the Park Rangers duty to make sure it's burnt off every year to keep the tourists happy.
I park next to the bloodied red sign for Lover's Lane. There isn't anyone else here. Night is the time when most people visit. Teenage boys hoping to get lucky with their freaked out girlfriends, old lovers reminiscing about their youth, and tourists hoping to catch a glimpse of the so called witch ghosts who are said to frequent the woods at midnight. The witching hour. Yeah right. Wouldn't surprise me if the Park Ranger had a few spooky recordings set up nearby to encourage the stories.
I walk fast and find my tree. All the residents of our little town were given an honorary tree to etch with sentiments of love. It's supposed to ward off the evil witches who curse new lovers. Started as a prank by a group of teenagers, but the tourists love it, so the town council decided to make it into a news worthy story. I think it's a really clever idea. Or I did. Now I stand looking at my blank canvas of a tree. I have no initials to put into any kind of heart. My heart isn't meant for that obviously. Once I thought Cam's initials might be etched here, but his initials aren't mine. His heart doesn't belong to me. No one's does. I put my head against the dry wood and breathe deep. God, I didn't realize how much this would hurt. Being rejected by someone you really care about. Someone I was foolish enough to open the floodgate to my feelings. Not just someone I wanted because it suited my needs. Someone I actually really wanted for no reason at all.
Treasure Pot flutters in my stomach and I reach down and hug my arms around my swollen belly. God, Treasure Pot, you are it. You're the only one who will love me. The only one. And I will love you so much. You are mine, and mine only. I slide down and lean back on the tree, letting the tears fall. Tears I've kept inside for a long time. They aren't tears of regret, or tears of frustration, these are tears of actual pain and hurt. Tears I never thought I'd shed again. I let them flow for the next few minutes, then I wipe my eyes. I am stronger than this. I need to keep strong. Treasure Pot deserves a strong parent. And I can be that parent. Guys like Tanning will come and go, but it will always be the same. Treasure Pot is not their kid, so why would they care for him the way I do.
I know that isn't entirely true. Guys like Tanning only come along once in a lifetime, not an everyday occurrence. I ignore that though, I have to put it at the back of my mind. He's obviously made his decision about me, and I need to respect that. Okay. Feeling better, I turn and hug my tree, and head back to my car.
I'm just about to unlock it when I hear a rustle and I look up. That's when I see him, and I have to grip hold of the door handle to stop from falling to the ground. I haven't seen him in eight years and it still bites.
Jason Spectre.
The first and last boy I loved openly. The one boy who made my life hell for a whole year. Seeing him brings it all back, and I feel like that thirteen year old girl again. A little girl so out of her depth and so innocent.
I hope he doesn't see me, but it's too late. I can see the glint in his eye as he spots me. Shit. Then that famous smile spreads across his face, a smile that once lit up my whole world, now I just see it for the evil wicked smile it is. I start to shake. I have no idea why he's back in town or why he's out here, I only know I feel vulnerable and suddenly very alone.
A feeling I haven't experienced for a very long time. And it's scaring the shit out of me.
TeN
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My hands are shaking uncontrollably now, and I drop my car keys. I bend quickly to pick them up and get the hell out of here when Jason strides over. Crap. I don't want to be near him. I don't want to talk to him. I hate him. Really hate him.
“Well, well. If it isn't little Jen, Jen.”
I cringe. That hateful pet name sends chills down my spine.
“Look at you. All knocked up.” Then he laughs at me.
It isn't a nice laugh, it's a nasty laugh. One that I had to listen to every day in my first year of junior high.
I see he hasn't changed. Still the mean asshole. He's gotten a lot bigger and meaner looking too. His hair is shiny and black, all slicked back, his blue eyes, icy cold, there's no warmth in them. I decide not to respond, he's really not worth the effort. Then he stands in front of my car door, not letting me go. That's the thing with this asshole, I could never pin anything specific on him, because he never actually touched me. He talked about it continually. Talked about all the things he wanted to do to me, but he never acted on it. Didn't really matter, when I was thirteen I didn't know he wouldn't. It was enough he said it, and he made sure no one ever heard the vile things he said and I never told a soul. Not once did I admit to anyone the torment I went through that year. I just counted my blessings when his family had to leave town.
A lot of time has passed, and I'm well aware I'm an adult and don't have to stay and listen to his insults, but my nerves are on edge. I don't know if he's any different, or if he's gotten worse. But knowing his type I'm betting he found another girl to torment. Cause that's what he is, a predator of the worst kind. Gets his jollies from picking on the innocent and weak. I can just imagine the kind of girls he's set his sights on.
“Get out of the way,” I say through clenched teeth, my legs are like jelly but I stand my ground. I have Treasure Pot to consider now.
He smiles and gives the smallest shake of his head. “Now, don't be like that. I think we should catch up a bit. It's been a long time.”
Okay, so this angry tactic isn't working, I need to use the other kind of tactics I've learnt over the years. I never let myself be vulnerable after him. Well, until a couple of days ago. Tanning is the first guy who's actually speared my defences, since Jason.
I give him my best fake smile. “Oh, I'd love that. I mean we have so many good times to reminisce about, trouble is, my boyfriend might not like that so much. He's a police officer over in Forest.”
Forest is the next biggest town close to ours, so I'm hoping he doesn't know anyone there. I keep smiling and playing with my keys.
He arches a brow. “Boyfriend, huh? What's his name?”
“Tanning,” I say real quick.
“Yeah. Didn't you have some kid in your year with that name. Little skinny kid.”
Shit, he remembers Tanning.
“Well we might have, but my Tanning is no skinny kid, must have been a popular name or something.”
“You know what, I think you're making that up. I heard word you got knocked up by some loser who didn't stick around. Left you all alone. Poor little Jen, Jen. That must have made you cry a lot. You always were a big cry baby.”
Goddamn it!
He's such an asshole, and he knows just how to push my buttons. I bite the inside of my cheek and try to hold it together, but he's getting under my skin.
“Well, you heard wrong. Now if you'll just move, I'll get going, nice catching up,” I expect him to move and step forward with my keys at the ready.
Except he doesn't, he stands tall and leans down to whisper in my ear. He smells of cigarettes and alcohol and I want to retch as his rancid breath surrounds me. “Oh, I haven't finished catching up with you. We still have so much more to talk about. And now you're all older and looking so fine, our catching up might be a whole lot more fun.”
I swallow down the bile. I can feel the tears burning my eyes, I have to get away from him. There is no one out here. And no one will be looking for me. I am so alone.
I decide to keep him talking. “What are you doing out here anyway?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even, as I take a step back. I have no chance of running. There is nowhere to run, and in my condition I can't run anyway.
He smirks and pulls a little clear plastic bag from his pocket. I see the white powder and recognize it. I've only ever seen it at a couple of parties, making sure to st
eer clear. That is one thing I have never been tempted to try. I've seen too many idiots completely lose it on that stuff.
”Getting away from the folks. Getting some fresh air.”
“Folks?” I squeak out. Oh please don't tell me he's moved back here. Please no.
“Yeah. My folks have moved back. So, we can play again, Jen, Jen, we can pick up where we ...”
He doesn't finish that sentence as we both turn, hearing a car coming down the dirt track toward us. Thank God. Whoever you are, you just saved my hide. Not bothering to see who it is, I don't waste the opportunity, and as per usual , Jason moves slyly away from me, and I wrench open my car door and slip inside, locking the door. Oh god. My heart is racing at a million miles per hour. I am so scared. I pull out of where I'm parked and speed off, not looking back.
Tears sting my eyes once more, I can hardly breathe. My hands are shaking as I try to hold it together to control the car and make it back to Cam's place. I'm not sure how much more I can take today, and I intend heading straight for my bedroom and getting into bed. I need to hide for a while in the warmth of my room. My head is all fuzzy, my racing thoughts about my past, spinning me out.
This isn't good for Treasure Pot. I need to hold it together for his sake, I just hope I don't run into Tanning or I might really lose it.
I blow out a breath of relief as I turn down the dirt track to Cam's, my vision is a little blurry from the tears that keep falling, and I'm probably going a little too fast, but I can't help the urgency or the adrenaline that keeps pumping around my system. Getting into my room is all I can think about.
A blurry black shape comes into view and I realize Tanning's black truck is coming toward me, I spin the wheel just in time to miss it, and my little beetle does a one eighty veering off into the surrounding paddock. I get control and turn around so I'm back on the drive again and continue to speed toward Cam's house. I slam on the brakes when I reach the old farmhouse and leap out of the car as quick as I can, running for the house. As I open the front door I don't wait to hear if anyone is here. I don't care right now. The tears are still streaming down my face and I make it to my room and suck in the sob that tries to escape.
