by J. Dorothy
I look him in the eyes and I swallow. His gaze is intense, and I've stopped breathing. He turns my hand over and continues to trace his finger along my palm. That is so hot, shit the whole world has just gone fuzzy, I bite my lip hard.
Then he leans in again, so his lips are mere inches from mine. I wish the table would disappear so I could crawl into his lap and wrap my arms around him.
“You are Jen ... you're worth it. You should know that.”
I can feel a tear slip down my cheek. No one has ever said anything like this to me before, and I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it.
Tanning wipes my tear away with the pad of his thumb. “Hey, Sweet Cheeks. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry.”
I take a deep breath and look away from him. “I um ... I just need to go to the bathroom for a minute, I'll be back.” I get up quick and hurry through the tables till I find the rest rooms.
I rush in to the first vacant cubicle and sit on the toilet seat for a minute, taking deep meditative breaths. Why does he keep doing this? I know he's just trying to be nice, to be a good friend. Except I don't want him as my friend. I want him in every other way. As a lover, as my safety net, as my comfort, as a dad to Treasure Pot. I need to back away. I need a distraction. I can't cope with this.
I flush the toilet even though I didn't use it, and move to the basin to check my reflection in the mirror. My makeup isn't smeared, thank goodness for water proof mascara. I tuck a few loose tendrils of my blonde hair into my messy bun and straighten my dress, revealing a little bit more cleavage.
Okay. JJ, you're good. You can do this.
I open the door to the bathroom and hold my head high. I need to get back to the old JJ. Not the blubbering idiot I've been the past few days. I plaster the smile on my face and my eyes sweep over the room now full of patrons, enjoying a night out. I spy a nice looking couple in the corner. He's leaning across the table and putting his hand on her swollen stomach, wonderment and excitement written all over his face. The girl is giggling and looking at him adoringly, her diamond wedding ring sparkling in the candle light. A bunch of red roses behind her, finishing off the perfect scene.
I crumble inside. I can't stay here. Seeing that scene is like a knife twisting in my gut. I've cried a river of tears today, and thought I was spent, but seeing that nearly finishes me. Because I know that scene will never be mine. It was supposed to be. I had it all planned, and apart from the red roses, so cliché by the way, that should be me and my Mr Wonderful.
I spin around, the tears burning once more and I'm about to leave, when arms wrap around me and hold me tight. “Come on, let's go,” Tanning whispers, next to my cheek. “I shouldn't have brought you here.”
No he shouldn't have, but I'm glad he's taking me away.
Places like this are reserved for the lucky people. The better people. Like I once was. Not anymore. People like me don't belong in places like this, and the sooner I stop trying to grasp at that impossible, improbably dream, the better off I'll be.
TWeLVe
_________________________
We haven't spoken much all the way home and I'm glad. I'm a little tired of trying to explain myself to Tanning. I'm also a bit spent at all the emotions I've experienced this weekend. Tanning has tipped the axis of my world on its head and I need to right it again. He'll be gone in a couple more days and then I can get him out of my system and concentrate on more important things. Or so I tell myself. Truth be told I'm not looking forward to him leaving. I want him to stay.
We reach the farmhouse and Tanning brings the car to a stop, but doesn't switch off the ignition.
I look across to him and frown a little, wondering what he's doing.
He sighs and glances at me. “I ... ah... I'm going home tonight. The pest people gave mom and dad the all clear and they want me home.”
Must be nice.
“Oh. Okay. Sure. I bet they've missed you.” I know I already do and he hasn't left yet.
“Yeah they have. So ... um ... I guess I'll see you around.”
“Yeah. And um ... thanks ... for taking me out. Sorry I wasn’t better company.”
Tanning licks his lips and I hone in on them like a bee to honey. My heart rate increases and I know I have to get out of his truck before I try and do something I'll regret.
I turn and push down on the handle, when Tanning puts his hand on my knee. “JJ ...”
I swallow and continue to push down on the door handle. I really can't stand to hear anymore placating or sympathetic comments from him. He exerts more pressure on my knee, and I stop moving, taking a big breath.
“I really will see you around,” he says softly and takes his hand off my knee.
I give him a small smile and get out of the car as quick as I can, and I don't look back. I can hear the car idling as I make my way into the house and shut the front door. I blow out a big breath and lean against the door. Wow, that was intense. But it's a good thing he's gone. Really good. I couldn't be more pleased. Not having to see his rocking shirtless body, not having to see those gorgeous green eyes sparkling at me or even looking at me with disdain. Yeah, I won't miss that or him at all.
I am such a liar.
I take a few more breaths thinking about how tonight affected me. No, how I let it affect me. I've ignored those feelings till now. I've ignored how much it hurts to know I don't have anyone. That my parents have abandoned me. That my grandma died. That I let myself sleep with someone I didn't like and got myself pregnant. And most of all, that I opened my heart to have real feelings for Tanning, and hoped, that maybe, just maybe, he might feel something for me. That’s what hurts the most. The constant rejection.
I am the world's biggest idiot. Thinking I could keep ignoring all that. I want the guy who looks at me adoringly, who loves Treasure Pot, and who wants us the way we want him. I want someone to share the joy and the hardships with. I want it all. There's just one problem: I don't know how to get it. I thought I did once. Now I'm flying blind and it scares me.
I hear laughter coming from the living room, and I smile. I actually smile. Bailey and Cam sound happy. They must have sorted through their problems. Lucky them.
I walk slowly down the hall and open the door to the kitchen. I call out, “Hey,” just to make sure they know I'm home.
Cam comes into view, he's making dinner. Dressed in his standard worn denim jeans and white t-shirt, he sure is gorgeous. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking that, but when I look at him now I don't see him the way I used to, like a commodity in an expensive store I just have to own. Now I see him for the good friend that he is, and I don't want to lose that. He may be my only real friend. And let's face it, I'm going to need him. I can pretend I can do this alone, but when I face the reality of being a single mother, it's not exactly appealing knowing I have no one to share that with.
I rub over my belly and smile wide at Cam. “Hey, there. How's the head?”
Cam chuckles. “Yeah, still got a bit of a headache. I forgot what that's like, haven't exactly lost it in a while.”
I love the way we can talk like this. We've shared a lot in the past two years. I move closer and lean over to see what he's cooking. My stomach grumbles. Tanning and I never got to eat anything and I'm a little hungry. It looks good. A stir fry of chicken and vegetables.
“You eaten?” Cam asks, watching me salivate at the food.
“Um ... no.”
“I thought Tanning was taking you to that nice place out on Rochester Road?”
I give him a small frown, not sure how Cam knew that. Cam winks. “He text me, to ask where he could take you.”
“And you told him that place.”
“Yeah. Well you were always going on about it. Thought it might be nice for your first date.”
Date? Huh? That smarts. I only went on about it to Cam, because I wanted him to take me there. You know when we were going to get married. Ah, well, that fantasy is now completely dead in the water. After the way
I've been feeling about Tanning I don’t think I'll be able to feel that way about anyone for a while. Least of all Cam.
“Yeah. We decided not to go, I was feeling a little off, but thanks,” I say with a fake smile which Cam doesn't question. He never questions it.
Cam starts to serve out the stir fry onto two plates. “You okay?” he asks.
No. I'm far from it. “Yeah, I'm feeling better now. Thought I'd get an early night. “
Cam smiles and gestures with his hand to the remnants left in the pan. “Sure, you don't want some?”
“Nah ... I don't want to interrupt anything. “
“You won’t be, Bailey and I are all good. Come join us.”
I bite my lip, just predicting the sour expression Bailey will give me, but I'm really hungry. I can just stay for a few minutes.
“Okay. Looks great.”
Cam gives me a big goofy grin and pulls out another plate then dishes up the rest of the stir fry.
I help him take the plates into the back living room where Bailey is sitting all propped up on pile of pillows, resting her foot. Oh that's right. I forgot she hurt herself. Probably the best thing she could have done. Kind of made her set things right with Cam.
I give her a small smile and she smiles back. Well that's a first.
“Hey, Bailey, how's the foot?” I ask.
“Hurts a bit, but it's okay.”
“You'll probably need to change the bandages before you go to bed,” I say as I take a seat across from her. I did a bit of a stint in the hospital as a nurse’s assistant, and helped out when the nurses changed dressings, so I learnt a thing or two. It wasn't for me, though, so I didn't stick at it for very long.
Cam bends to give her a quick peck on the lips, then passes her the plate of food and sits next to her. “I told you,” he says.
Bailey screws up her nose. “I'm sure it'll be fine. The glass wasn't in that deep.”
“You're being a baby,” Cam says in between mouthfuls of food.
Bailey narrows her eyes at him, but it's a playful scowl, her love for Cam, written all over her face. Wow, I suddenly wonder if I'll ever look at someone like that. I never really noticed it before. I was too busy hating her to see the way she looks at Cam. I mean I acknowledged the way he looks at her, but didn't really want to accept it. Now, it's like someone has taken my blindfold off and I can see it in full colour.
I blink and fork a mouthful of food then chew and swallow. Bailey looks over at me. “So, how was your date with Tanning?”
Oh great so Cam and Bailey think we're dating. Terrific.
“Um ... I wasn't feeling well, so he dropped me home.”
Bailey tilts her head and sucks her lower lip into her mouth, but doesn't say any more.
Cam finishes shovelling the last of his food into his mouth, puts the plate on the coffee table, then pats his stomach. “That was star class.”
Bailey rolls her eyes, and I laugh. “Think much of yourself, Master Chef,” I say.
“Well, it isn't quite as good as your cookies, but it's a close second,” he says while eying the pile of food still on Bailey's plate.
She shakes her head, then fills her fork and feeds him another mouthful. I should be gagging right now, but it's actually nice to see them so happy. The dark cloud over their relationship has obviously been lifted. Amazing how secrets can cause so much damage. I'm kind of glad they worked it out. Cam is one of the good ones and he deserves to be happy. If Bailey does that for him, I should be happy. And I think I can be.
I swallow my last mouthful of food quickly, time for me to leave. I mean, I think it's nice and all, but I can't stomach a night full of sappy, happy moments. It will take time for me to turn that corner. And I possibly never will. I'm still Jennifer Jaimeson. I won't lose that title easily.
I get up and take my plate ready to say my goodnights to the two love birds, when Bailey says, “Um ... Jen.”
Wow, not sure she's ever called me that before. It's usually Jenny, or Jennifer, or other assortment of names I'm not supposed to hear.
I smile. “Yeah.”
“Um ... I just wanted to say, thanks. Thanks for last night. Staying with me, and looking after me.”
Oh. Right. Did not expect her to say that.
I shrug. “Sure. No problem.” I have never had a nice genuine moment with Bailey, or any other girl for that matter, and I'm not sure how to act.
“And, well, ... Cam and I wondered if you want to come out with us to dinner next week. Maybe Friday. “
Dinner with these two. Crap. I really don't want to. But she's obviously trying to be nice. Put in an effort.
“Oh, um ... yeah, that sounds great. It's a date,” I say, as I make my way out of the room smiling like I think it's the best idea ever.
I don't want to be the third wheel. I just hope they don't plan to make me a pet sympathy project or something. Asking me to go out with them all the time. Ick, that would be the worst.
I make my way to bed and cuddle up under the covers. I sigh in relief, this is the one place that feels right and normal when everything else in my life is completely off the rails.
THiRTeeN
_________________________
It's been four days since I've seen Tanning. So much for really wanting to see me. And it's not like I'm counting or anything. Or that every single minute of the day has dragged and I'm not really into my baking like normal. I can't stop thinking about him. It’s so frustrating. I thought a bit of distance was what I needed to get him out of my head, but it’s way worse. I keep re-living every single moment we were together, every conversation we had. And that kiss keeps haunting my dreams. Well, not exactly haunting, more like turning into the best dream ever, especially when it doesn't end with that kiss. Sigh. Its only haunting when I wake up and realize I’m dreaming and I literally kick myself. I am so pathetic and I hate it. Really hate it.
I'm on my morning break at my favorite spot. The department store on Williams Rd. I'm staring at the beautiful crib I want to buy for Treasure Pot. It’s so pretty. All white wood with a fancy carved headboard featuring Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. I love that story and I already have my old copy packed carefully away to read to Treasure Pot one day. My mom used to read it to me every night when I was little, and it is still a nice memory. One I do treasure, despite all that has passed between us over the last few years. The crib costs nearly a thousand dollars, and I'm so close to having enough money to buy it. I mean I do have a little more saved, but I can't touch that money. I'll need it when I move out of Cam's house after Treasure Pot is born. I know Cam's mom won't expect me to leave, but now I've come to terms with him and Bailey being a permanent thing, I know its not really appropriate for me to stay there. They have both been so good to me, but I can't expect it to last.
I sigh, and trail my fingers over the smooth wood and tinkle with the matching Winnie the Pooh mobile that spins over the top. Thinking, I’ll probably save for that as well.
I'm just about to leave to get a vitamin drink when I hear a familiar voice. My head snaps in that direction, like I'm being charmed by his tone. Tanning. Oh, I'm not sure I want to see him here. I check over my old denim skirt and black strappy tank top. Not exactly my best attire, but I was so tired this morning I didn't have the energy to put in my usual effort. I've also decided my Jimmy Choo heels are way too uncomfortable, so I'm wearing my flat ballet shoes. They're cute, but certainly not sexy. Damn it!
Thinking I can escape without him seeing me, I duck down and pretend to be browsing the lower racks of baby clothes, praying he'll walk by. I hear him getting closer, he's laughing now and I hear another laugh, well more of a giggle. A girlie giggle. Crappy crap. He's with a girl. Oh, god I don't want to see that. But I have to. I have to see who he's with. Maybe it's his little sister. Yeah, that would be okay. I could cope with that.
I crouch down further and scuttle across the floor, which is not easy with my swollen belly. There's a gap in the racks of clothes and I
can see the wooden floorboard path which trails around to each department. Then Tanning comes into view. He's got a black t-shirt and army print cargo shorts, showing off his muscular tanned legs. I swallow and gulp down the lust that erupts, sending shivers all over me. There's another giggle, and my eyes divert to land on the giggler.
Oh Shit.
That definitely isn't his little sister. God, this one looks like she just stepped out of the pages of a vogue magazine. Crap. I can usually measure up against the best of them, but with this one, not even I'd have a chance. She is off the scale gorgeous. Ugh. I want to scream and jump up and down at the unfairness of it all. An image appears in my brain of Tanning and this one sitting in my corner at my restaurant, his hand in hers, putting a ring on her finger.
I suddenly feel fuzzy, I need to sit down, but I'm in a department store and I can't just sit on the floor. Now I really have to get out of here. There's no chance in hell I'm meeting his girlfriend. No way. I couldn't keep it together.
I'm praying for a miracle here. I'm stuck and Tanning and the supermodel have stopped and are looking at dinner sets. Then she puts her hand on his arm and smiles at him. Double ugh. Maybe they're moving in together. Oh, holy hell. I can't think about that. That is way too much for my racing heart to cope with.
I close my eyes and breathe deep, I need to keep calm. Yeah, that's it. Calm.
“What are you doing down there?” A voice says loudly.
Oh my god. No way. No. It can't be. I don't want to open my eyes.
Then I feel a presence beside me. “J.J. What the hell are you doing down there?”
“Shhhh,” I spit out. He's so loud and overbearing.
I open my eyes, and his dark brown ones are at the same level as mine, boring into me, making me nauseous.
Travis.
Holy crap. This is turning out to be the worst day of my life. And considering I've had quite a few of those, that is some statement.
