The things that he had seen done in the name of the Almighty made him truly doubt the existence of God. And even if He did exist, then He was most certainly a vengeful, angry and petty God better excluded from one's endeavours.
And love? Love was not a word to be used in the same sentence as God.
And yet, when he looked at Leala and caught a glimpse of life pouring forth from her in rainbows, he knew that if God was the source of it, then He must be capable of immense beauty and grace too.
If it really could be possible to converse with the Lord intimately as friend to friend, Lamech was convinced she had found the secret to doing so.
Such thoughts, however, were far too unsettling and difficult to entertain for long. They left him angry and confused. As always, his best defence was to push them aside and wallow in the simmering darkness inside. At least there he felt comfortable.
And it had proved very useful in battle.
But for now, these thoughts had to wait. He had more pressing matters to attend to. The object of his fascination was taking a walk in the woods outside the town and he was on his way to find her.
The pathway led past the river, gently winding towards the forest. Glancing back at Avignon, some part of him faintly registered the immeasurable beauty of it.
A flock of birds flew past on their way to the breeding grounds next to the river as Lamech involuntarily breathed in the beautiful sight. It tugged at him, gently struggling to undo the dark chains around his heart.
Instinctively he shut it out and turned his attention back to the pathway. Frowning, he focussed his thoughts, considering why he was out there.
That morning when a servant told him Leala was taking a walk in the forest, he was compelled to go look for her. The fight of a few weeks ago - though not exactly renewing his appreciation for life - did in some way rekindle a hunger for meaning within him. And somehow that hunger seemed to be pushing him towards Leala.
He had no idea why, but just being close to her fed his thirst with drops of soothing water. It was never enough to quench it completely, leaving him craving for more of what he didn't even know.
Rounding a corner in the pathway, he came to a halt as he was met by a breathtaking sight. Trees lined the sides of the path with the sun casting its light through them, intersecting the shadows to form a series of beams that fell on the mossy ground.
On the right hand side of the pathway, Leala was standing in one of the beams of light with her back slightly towards him, and her head bent downward at a slight angle to the left. The sun shone through her auburn hair, setting it alight.
But what caught his breath was the way she had her eyes closed, with a slight smile curling at the corners of her mouth. She radiated peace, which made her beautiful to the point where it was painful to look at her.
For Lamech, the sight was enough to bring his mind to a complete standstill, unable to form a coherent thought. Gazing upon such peace, he could feel his shoulders relaxing and the storm inside him begin to subside, the crashing waves slowly losing their frenzy.
Turning around, Leala cried out in shock when she saw him.
"Oh, Lamech!" she said and raised her hand to her neck as she caught her breath.
"I'm sorry," Lamech exclaimed, his brain trying to catch up, "I didn't mean to startle you!".
"That's alright. Unless you did it on purpose," she said with laughter in her eyes.
"Not... exactly," Lamech stammered, feverishly trying to push dashing and charming words past his swollen tongue. The girl enjoys having me at a disadvantage, he thought in frustration.
"I'm only joking!" she responded, noticing his discomfort.
His silence made her smile falter slightly.
"What brings you out here?" she asked.
Lamech hesitated, but then plodded onwards: "I heard that you were here in the woods alone and I thought I might come and keep you company."
He had hoped to come across even slightly charming, but when she raised her eyebrows, he cursed himself.
"The woods are not safe," he added quickly, his anger rising. He hated feeling like a fool.
"That's very sweet of you," she smiled, "But I was not alone."
"Oh?" Lamech asked, looking around him.
"Yes," she said, trying not to laugh at his bewildered look, "I was spending time with the Lord. And I'm sure that He's quite capable of taking care of me."
"Yes... Him..." Lamech said uncomfortably, "Someday you'll have to explain that to me."
"Anytime, Lamech," she said.
He knew she meant it and the thought that she cared in even a slight way should have bolstered him, but thinking about God made him even more on edge. He fought to control his rising anger. It wouldn't do to lash out with cutting words.
"There is another reason I wanted to walk with you," Lamech said quickly to change the topic. They fell into step together and continued down the forest path.
"I was told that you'll be visiting your cousin in Arles soon?"
"Have you been spying on me?" Leala smiled.
"No," Lamech answered. He considered calling the whole thing off and just walking away, but her cheekiness actually made him begin to relax.
"But I must say, you make for interesting conversation," he added.
"Is that so?" Leala asked, as a shadow flickered across her eyes.
She's uncomfortable, Lamech thought. Maybe he was being too forward. But he was rolling now and couldn't stop.
"It's just that... you radiate light wherever you go and really care about people," he rambled on, desperately hoping that she'd be flattered by his words. "I've yet to find one person that's not touched by it"
Leala dropped her gaze, clearly embarrassed. But he could see that his words were not exactly unwelcome.
"Thank you Lamech, you're very kind," she said, looking up at him again.
His brief confidence suddenly gone, he tried to think of something to fill the awkward silence as they began walking back towards the village. He was completely unprepared to deal with the flurry of emotions awakened inside him. Part of him wanted to be angry at her for lifting the lid, but he also wanted her to like him.
He decided to just stumble on.
"Anyway, I'd like to accompany you on your trip if it would not inconvenience you?"
The questioning look on her face twisted his insides and he tried to blot them out with words: "Yes, I know, you said the Lord will take care of you, but I'd feel a lot better if I knew you weren't going to travel alone."
"Thank you Lamech, that's very kind of you," she said. "But Joash has already offered to accompany me."
Ah, yes, Lamech thought bitterly. Joash. He'd forgotten all about him. Now there was a man not confused about his feelings for Leala. He kept it well hidden from her though.
Lamech wasn't sure how they had become such good friends, but from what he had heard he knew that Leala's father, a respected soldier, had taken a liking to Joash a few years back. At the time Joash and Leala saw very little of each other, even though her father had taken Joash under his wing and taught him the finer details of soldiery.
When Leala's father died a few winters ago, however, Joash had taken it upon himself to watch over Leala. He was only a few years older than her, so for a time she had stayed with her cousin in Arles until she was of age. Then, a year ago she had moved to Avignon where she had found work as a shopkeeper's assistant.
While she had still lived in Arles, Joash would go and visit her at regular intervals and so their friendship had begun. When she moved to Avignon, they had begun to spend more and more time together until they were now almost inseparable.
Joash was quite likeable and as noble a man as they come. He was younger than Lamech, but he somehow had an understanding of the world and people that belied his age.
And he shared Leala's unique version of faith.
Lamech and Joash were as different as could be, a fact that unleashed a longing in him that he didn't quite understand. It
threatened to bring out the worst in him.
Jealousy lifted its head and Lamech bristled inwardly at the thought of Joash and Leala travelling alone.
"Well, unless you and Joash object, I'd still like to accompany you," he said, and then threw in a lie: "I'm getting a bit boxed in here at the village and a trip to Arles might just be what I need."
Leala looked at Lamech, the lie not escaping her. I will have to tread carefully with this one, she thought. He was strong, intelligent and very handsome. But he made her uneasy.
She had heard of his duals, not to mention tales of his exploits in battle, but the comments were not always good. He was definitely brave and very capable, but his deep-set anger was unnerving.
But she decided to give Lamech the benefit of the doubt. For now.
"It's a very kind offer and I can understand why you would like to get out of the village. As beautiful and peaceful as Avignon is, I sometimes long for adventure. Visiting my cousin is a good excuse to get out," she said with a smile. "I'll speak to Joash when we get back and tell him about your offer. If he is fine with it, then you are welcome to accompany us."
"Thank you," he said and decided to leave it there, barely able to keep his jealousy in check.
Startled by the emotions bristling inside him, Lamech bid Leala good-day with a barely coherent excuse of further business to attend to, and turned back towards the city. It unnerved him to feel this way. Normally time with Leala soothed the thunderclouds brewing in his soul.
But, at the mention of Joash, his dark thoughts erupted with renewed force. The idea of waiting for Joash's permission before he could accompany Leala was galling and made him clench the hilt of his sword.
There's no need to worry, he told himself. Joash and Leala might have had a lot in common, but he knew Leala enjoyed his company. Surely the sparkle in her laughter and her playful banter hinted at a more than friendly affection? And after seeing her basking in that beam of light in the forest, he realised that he wanted to be near her more than anything.
If anyone gets in my way they'd better be prepared for a fight, he thought bitterly. Because things would get very serious, very quickly.
Strolling through the forest, Lamech's breathing deepened and his pulse quietened. He allowed the silent, damp beauty to seep through his skin. His thoughts had never left Leala as he walked quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace so alike her presence.
Softly, Lamech whispered to the silent shadows: "I may want to be near the girl, but I couldn't love her, could I?"
The question made him pause involuntarily as it seemingly came out of nowhere. The temptation to push it aside and ignore it was overwhelming, but he willed himself to face it. It was like scaling a mental wall, pulling himself up with tired arms in the hope that what lies beyond was worth a peek.
What is it that he hoped to gain? Did he hope that by spending time with her - even winning her heart - would lead him to redemption? To purpose and meaning?
The truth was he craved these things - even as he was fighting them.
The blood on his hands, although not innocent, stained him and marked him as one who should wander the world in banishment for the rest of his mortal life.
And if, at the end of it, he was not met by blissful oblivion but instead cast into the darkest abyss, then so be it. It might not have been what he wanted, but it would be right. It would be just.
He resumed walking, still deep in thought as he tried to reconcile what he longed for with what he knew he deserved. And in the middle stood Leala, drawing him ever closer.
He frowned and pushed the teetering light over the edge. Leala looked to be his only hope at finding purpose and meaning in this world and in the end, if the sword was the only way to get her, then so be it.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,
and comes down from the Father of lights,
with whom there is no variation
or shadow of turning.
James 1:17 (NKJV)
CHAPTER 2
--- Avignon, September 1097 ---
In a forest clearing on the edge of town there stood a small cottage. A single-story, rectangular building with a straw roof, it looked like the kind of place you'd hear about in the fairy tales told to children.
From its chimney a lazy column of smoke rose into the air. To the passing traveller it looked most inviting. And it was.
This was Joash's little corner of the world. As a soldier, he spent most of his time training at the castle, honing his skills as a swordsman. But it was here, in this little clearing on the edge of town, where he made his home.
To Leala it resembled everything that she'd come to love about Joash: strong, warm, and peaceful.
As she was walking towards his house, Leala replayed the meeting with Lamech in her mind. He was a deeply troubled person and her heart went out to him, but she couldn't help compare him to Joash.
She wasn't sure how Joash would react to the news that Lamech wanted to join them on the journey to Arles, but then again, if he really wanted her all to himself all he needed to do was say the word.
The town gossips would probably have a lot to say about her travelling alone with him - not to mention with two men - but she felt safe in Joash's company. She knew he would take care of her. And if the gossips had a thing or two to say about it... well, it wasn't like the orphan girl of a soldier had much in the way of reputation to uphold anyway.
In her heart she knew how the Lord felt about her, and that was enough.
Well, nearly enough, she had to admit.
She found it irritating that Joash seemed to be as blind as a bat. She knew he loved her dearly, but unfortunately it was the affectionate love of a brother. In spite of her barely-veiled feelings towards him, his embraces were warm, but respectful. He teased her playfully, but made Leala feel more like a child than a desirable woman. And it was wearing down her patience.
The sound of an axe crashing into blocks of wood led Leala around the house to the back, where she found Joash chopping firewood. So intent was he on his task that he didn't notice her standing there.
The sight of him arrested her senses and made her insides twist in a knot. She did not see herself as someone who was easily affected by men, but she had grown to love this man from the bottom of her heart.
She stood quietly for a moment, drinking in the sight of him as he placed another piece of wood on the chopping block and lifted his axe high into the sky where he balanced it for a moment, before bringing it down in a strong, controlled arch. The axe crashed down with a resounding thud.
Her girlfriends all giggled whenever Joash was around. Seeing him now would probably have sent them into a dead swoon. They often teased her about the roguish smile he seemed to save only for her.
They had become close friends over the last year, constantly engaging in easy banter. There had been times where he had shown her a more serious side too, but she knew the two aspects of his personality were never far away from each other. He was not one to let himself be controlled by his emotions, but he was intimately familiar with the depths and heights available to man.
But it was the gentleness of his spirit and his compassionate heart that really drew her. He was the kind of man that would fight alongside the bravest in battle, and yet be able to intimately share in the pain of others.
If only he wasn't so oblivious, she sighed. It frustrated her that he made her heart rush and yet she barely affected him. Honestly, could he not see how she felt about him? Sometimes she wanted to pummel him senseless with her fists out of sheer frustration.
Joash bent down to pick up the pieces of wood he had neatly cleaved in two and dropped them on the pile to his right. Lifting his left arm to wipe away the sweat from his eyes, he finally noticed her.
"Enjoying the scenery on your walk?" he asked, a grin spreading on his face.
"You wish," she answered with a smile. "Tell me, is there an invading army heading our way that I don't kno
w of? Because by the look of it you're preparing for a siege."
"Now, now, no need to get nasty," he said, still grinning as he quickly hit the axe into the block, leaving it stuck in the wood. He grabbed his shirt, and pulled it over his head. Giving his face a last wipe on his sleeve, he walked towards her.
"Although one never knows when one of those marauding group of bandits would decide to give us an unexpected visit. Then I could lock myself up in my house and sit out the attack with plenty of wood to keep me warm and happy."
East of Ashes Page 2
