Dare to Want

by C. J. Welles

  I don’t want him to see that it’s not as comfortable as I expected. I don’t want him to think he’s hurting me.

  Soon the pain between my legs starts to feel better, and I notice a different sensation instead.

  “I’m not going to last much longer,” Nathan rasps in my ear. “But I need you to come first.” He pulls back, and his shaft slides out of me. Giving me a quick kiss, he lets my legs slide down to the ground and holds my elbows until I’m steady.

  I frown as he begins to lower to his knees in front of me. “W-w-what are you doing?” I ask, panicked.

  “I’m going to suck and lick you until you come on my tongue.”

  He can’t.

  There will be blood down there.

  Why didn’t I think of this beforehand?

  There will be no mistaking I’m a virgin when he sees the blood.

  “You can’t,” I whisper.

  “What?” he looks up at my face and in the moonlight, I can see his eyes staring into mine.

  “I said, you can’t.”

  “Why?”

  I skirt my eyes to the side, as I can’t look at him.

  “Why?” he repeats, his tone harder.

  “Because… there will be blood.” I pull the hem of my top down, trying to cover myself. “It’s…. it’s my first time,” I whisper.

  I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t talk or move. He only looks at me with an expression that’s anger crossed with hurt.

  He jumps up from where he was on his knees, turns and walks away as he does up his jeans.

  I call out his name, but he doesn’t stop.

  With every step I take back to the hotel, an aching intensifies between my legs. But it’s nothing in comparison to the ache in my chest.

  *.

  “WHERE DID YOU get to last night?” Casey asks as she slides into the booth opposite me.

  “Back to the room,” I answer with a shrug. “How was the rest of your night?”

  “Good. Uneventful. Bryson and I danced for a while and headed back to the hotel around midnight.”

  “Did you run into Nathan before you left?” I ask, hoping my voice sounds natural.

  She shakes her head. “He sent Bry a message saying he went home with some chick from the bar.”

  My stomach drops.

  He wouldn’t, would he?

  I thought him walking away from me last night made my heart crack. But now… Now it feels like Casey has reached into my chest and pulled my heart out and then stomped on it.

  Picking up my coffee, I slowly sip it, using the cup to cover my face and the hurt that I know is showing on it.

  “What time are we leaving?” I ask once I get my feelings in check.

  “As soon as the guys are up and ready.”

  I don’t want to wait around for the guys. I want to forget Nathan exists. I don't want to remember the last twenty-four hours.

  “Here they come now,” Casey says, as she jumps up and runs to Bry before wrapping her arms around his neck. She rises onto her tippy-toes and plants a kiss on his lips. “I missed you,” she says to him, and it makes me want to gag. They’re that sweet.

  When Nathan appear in my peripheral vision, I put my head down and focus on eating my eggs and bacon. I can’t look at him. I can’t handle seeing the regret on his face.

  “Morning, girls,” his deep voice says, and my head moves without a second thought. My eyes meet his dark brown eyes, and a cold shiver works its way down my body when I recognize the pain and regret on his face as he looks at me.

  I know I shouldn’t have looked, but my treacherous body moved before my heart and brain could stop it.

  “Morning,” I quietly reply before I begin eating again. I need a distraction to keep my focus off Nathan.

  Breakfast goes fast. Only Casey and Bryson talk as we all eat. Every so often I notice Casey looking at me, but I refuse to make eye contact. If I do, she will witness the hurt in my eyes.

  The fact that I can’t even look at my best friend makes everything worse.

  “Can we talk?” I nervously ask Nathan once he’s finished and begins to stand up.

  He doesn’t turn to face me. He keeps his gaze on his feet. “Jolene.” His tone holds a warning and my name sounds heavy coming from his mouth. Like just saying my name pains him. It’s the first time he’s ever talked to me like this.

  “Please, Nathan,” I whisper.

  I don’t remove my gaze from him, but I see Casey out of the corner of my eye pushing at Bryson to stand up. Nathan and I both stay still until they leave.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

  “You shouldn’t have let me fuck you as I did? Or you shouldn’t have lied to me?”

  “I didn’t lie," I grate out, my voice sounding stronger now. I don’t even understand why he is angry. It was my first time and my virginity, not his.

  “Whatever, Jolene. I’m over it.” He pushes his chair back, steps around the table and heads towards the exit.

  “Why are you angry about it?” I ask as I stand up.

  “I’m not angry,” he says with a sigh. “I’m hurt.” I’ve witnessed Nathan upset with others before, but never have I been the cause of his hurt. I hate this. I hate it so much.

  “Why?”

  “Because…” He runs his hand through his hair, causing it to stick out in all directions before dropping his hand to his side. It’s in that moment that I really focus on him.

  He looks tired.

  His dirty blond hair is messed up and all over the place. He’s only wearing sweatpants, and I’ve never seen him in anything apart from his Levi’s.

  His eyes are the worst.

  They don’t only hold pain and hurt. They are dull and tired.

  The light that generally shines in them has faded.

  I loathe myself for being the one to eliminate the light from his eyes. For being the one who has put us in this situation where we’re acting like strangers, not friends.

  He clears his throat before talking again, “Because you let me treat you like any other girl out there.”

  I place my hands on my hips as I focus my narrowed gaze on him. “Perhaps I wanted to,” I whisper. “Maybe I wanted to be wanted and desired for once instead of being treated like the book nerd. Maybe I wanted to feel like more than your friend. Maybe I wanted to stand out instead of standing in Casey’s shadow. Her personality shines so brightly compared to my dullness.”

  Nathan shakes his head like he can’t believe what I said. He slowly settles his broken gaze on me. “Is that what this is about?” he asks with a low tone. “You’re jealous of your sister? Of what she and Bryson have? You want him, and I’m just a fill in?”

  My mouth drops open. “Are you serious?” I yell, my hands balled into fists.

  “I don’t know anymore.” He scrubs his hand over his face before running it through his hair again. “I don’t fucking know anymore,” he repeats.

  “If you truly believe that, there is nothing else to say.” I snatch my bag from beside my abandoned chair before walking outside.

  “Jolene,” he calls out after I’ve walked a few feet along the sidewalk.

  I spin around and face him as I hold back my tears. “Look, can we forget this happened?”

  I hold his gaze and plead with him to let it drop.

  To not hurt me anymore.

  He holds my gaze for a long moment before he nods.

  I let out a shaky breath before I turn and walk out of the door, walking away from the guy I stupidly love.

  ***

  Chapter 3

  Jolene

  PRESENT DAY

  “I DIDN’T EXPECT you home yet,” mom says later the next day when I walk into the living room. I left the hotel room midmorning and drove straight through to Madisonville.

  I rub my temple with my first two fingers, trying to release some of the stress that is building behind my eyes. I assumed mom would be at work today and was hoping
to get some sleep before I had to face anyone. Which sounds terrible considering I haven’t seen my family for three weeks, but my head is pounding, and my heart is beating like it’s going to break out of my chest and throw itself in front of a Mack truck.

  “I decided to come straight home since I haven’t been here for three weeks. I want to sleep in my own bed.” I drop my bags inside the door and kick off my shoes before walking around and collapsing down on the sofa.

  Mom turns the volume down on the television before she twists herself around to face me. “I don’t blame you, Sweetheart. There’s no better feeling like being home.” She gives me a warm smile, and it makes me marginally better.

  “Tell me about it. I’ve stayed in thirteen different hotel rooms in the past three weeks. I don’t even get a chance to settle into a room before I pack up and leave again.”

  “Sometimes you need to pay the price when you want to work a job that keeps you on the road. Think about your dad. He spends half his nights sleeping in the cab of his truck because it’s what he has to do.”

  It’s old news that mom hates dad being away for such long hours and sleeping on the road some nights. For as long as I can remember, she has always worried about him falling asleep on the job. My pop was a truck driver and dad followed in his footsteps, even after pop died in a crash from falling asleep at the wheel.

  “So, tell me about all the good things? Any more articles I need to cut out for your dad? Have you met any famous people yet?”

  “No one special. I’m still working my way to the top.” I don’t tell mom that I’ve seen any of the Miller boys. Mom and dad still talk to the Miller family and mom and Caroline meet up often for tea and cake and to catch up on the latest gossip, but Bryson rarely speaks to any of us. Mom will ask me questions. Questions that I don’t hold the answers to, wanting to know how Bryson is.

  “You’ll get there,” mom says as she pats my thigh in a comforting movement. “I have faith in you.”

  “Thanks, mom,” I reply before I lean over and wrap my arms around her.

  “You don’t need to thank me, Jo. I’m your mom. I’ll always stand behind you when it comes to your dreams.” She pulls back and smiles at me.

  “I know you would. Both you and dad.” I stand up and walk to the front door and grab my bags. “I’m going to lie down,” I say as I lean over and kiss mom on the forehead. “It’s been a long few days.”

  “Okay, get some rest now. You realize that as soon as Alexia finds out you are here, she won’t let you sleep.”

  I let out a chuckle as I walk to my room because I know she is right. Alexia is always full of energy and keeps us on our toes.

  After dumping my bags in the bottom of my wardrobe, I walk over to my bed and flop down face first.

  My eyes close immediately, and I think I manage to toe off my socks before I fall into a deep sleep.

  *

  Nathan

  “YOU GONNA TELL us what your deal is?”

  “What?” I ask Ryan as I lean back in my chair and take another small swig of my beer.

  “Why you’ve been all secretive and disappearing all the time.”

  “I ain’t been secretive. Going out and getting drunk every night like you and Bryson isn’t appealing anymore.”

  Ryan’s hand shoots up, and he points his thumb in Bryson’s direction over his shoulder. “He doesn’t go out and get drunk. He spends half the time getting shit-faced in his trailer by himself.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I do.” He tips his beer bottle in my direction. “Stop avoiding the question.”

  If I do tell him, he won’t get it. He would call me pussy whipped and shove another beer in my hand.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t feel like it these days.” I don’t tell him that when we ran into Jolene last night, it wasn’t the first time on the circuit that’d I’d seen her. Three weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of her across the ring sitting up on the stand. By the time I had made it around to her, she’d taken off. But seeing her made me sit back and consider how we were living life. Going out every night and drinking isn’t helping me get anywhere in life. Yeah, I still go out with Bry and Ryan some nights, but I don’t drink anymore.

  Just like tonight.

  Ryan is onto his fifth beer, and we’ve only been at the Shootout bar for forty minutes. Bryson has gone off somewhere and is already half drunk, and once again I'm DD.

  “You’ll end up turning into a sad sack like Bryson.”

  I shake my head at Ryan. I don’t understand how he doesn’t realize it. I know that Ryan and I have a different connection than we do with Bryson since we are twins, but it is fucking obvious that Bryson is heartbroken. Not only from Krystal, but it also goes back to when he and Casey were together.

  “Ryan, you need to get your head out of your ass and look at our brother properly.” With that, I place my half-finished beer on the table and walk inside. Only I stop in the doorway when I run into Casey.

  “Casey?” I question in case I'm imagining things. It has been a long time since Casey was on the scene. Five years to be exact.

  “Ah, yeah. Nath?” I hold back a smile as she questions which twin I am. Even though Ryan and I are identical, a lot of people can still tell us apart.

  “It’s been a while. What are ya doin’ here?” I ask her. It can’t be a coincidence that I run into her sister last night and now her tonight. If we were back in Madisonville it would be expected but not in a different state.

  “I came here with a friend for her cousin’s birthday.”

  “You live here, in Kansas City?” It was common knowledge that she had left Madisonville, but I didn’t realize she moved this far away.

  “I moved here five years ago.”

  “Small world,” I say as Bryson, standing at the bar behind Casey, catches my attention. I briefly flick my eyes in his direction to see if he has noticed her or not and I find his glare directed at Casey’s back. “Bryson’s here,” I state.

  “I know,” she mutters as her gaze sweeps down to the floor. She slowly shifts from foot to foot, like she’s nervous.

  “He never did tell me what happened between you two,” I say. She only shrugs as she looks back up at me. “Yeah, that's the same reaction he always gave me. Might see ya later,” I say as I step aside to let her through the door.

  “Yeah, maybe,” she replies with a small smile as she walks out.

  I wasn’t going to say anything, but I can’t help myself. “The last two years have been hard on him,” I say, causing her to halt. “He’s not the same person you knew.” With that I walk inside, closing the door behind me.

  I head straight for Bryson who turns his back to me. “Don’t pretend you didn’t notice her,” I say as I tap the bar to get the barmaid’s attention. I order a soda before sitting on the stool next to him.

  “Didn’t,” he slurs. “I have nothin’ to say to ‘er.”

  I toss my hands in the air as I push off my stool and away from the bar. “I give up.”

  “What’s your problem?”

  “Nothin’, I’m just not sitting here with you while you drown your sorrows in beer.”

  This is the most vocal I’ve been with Bryson, but I can’t hold back. Seeing Jolene last night and watching her run from me has shaken me. Every day I regret what happened back then and last night drove another nail into the coffin to remind me that I fucked up. Big time.

  Walking out of the bar, I tell myself to go and apologize to Bryson later. Bryson isn’t in the right head space, and it doesn’t matter what I’m going through, I can’t take my shit out on him.

  *

  THE PAST

  THREE DAYS WE have been on the road, and three hours ago we drove into Mobile. To say things have been awkward between Jolene and me is an understatement. I think we’ve said a total of five words to each other. Usually, we don’t last longer than an hour without talking.

  The trip has still been fun. But it w
ould be better if we were talking. Casey and Bryson both know something is still going on between us, as it’s obvious. Even a stranger could sense the tension between us. Thankfully, neither Bryson or Casey have brought it up. It’s as if we all think it’s best if everything is left unsaid.

  We’re now sitting in the Bar on the main street that runs through Mobile, as we wait for the cleaning crew to clean out the holiday house we are renting for two nights. We were initially going to stay at a hotel again, but Casey has found a house we can hire because she said she is sick of sleeping on crappy mattresses.

  I take a swig of my beer as I glance over at Jolene who is sitting at a table in the corner with Casey, Bryson and some random fucker who has decided it’s his place to sit with them and chat up Jolene. My hand tightens around my beer mug as I watch him move his arm and place it on the back of her chair. I swear if his hand moves any closer to her, I will rip his fucking arm off.

  God, how much have I had to drink?

  I never get violent.

  If anything, I am the peacekeeper between Bryson and Ryan.

  But Jolene… fuck, anything to do with her gets me worked up.

  I keep downing beer after beer as the other night with Jolene plays in my head on repeat. I can’t get over the fact that she didn’t tell me it was her first time. Then she had the guts to ask me to forget it all.

  Hell, I know I shouldn’t have walked off on her, but I was hurt. I thought it meant something to her, but she allowed me to treat her like I did.

  Fuck, perhaps it’s me I am pissed off at because I didn’t treat her how she deserved, and I didn’t notice she was a virgin.

  I rake my hands through my hair as I gesture to the barman for another beer. A brunette chick with big tits sits down next to me, as I'm finishing off my beer.

  She doesn’t say anything. She only sits close to me. Close enough that her arm brushes against mine every time she has a mouthful of her drink.