CHAPTER 13
* * *
Molly
Blinking my eyes open the next morning, I was surprised to remember last night pretty clearly, given how drunk I’d gotten.
My head pounded, and my stomach churned.
I remembered that we’d almost burned the building down. But Declan had acted fast and put the flames out.
I also remembered Will asking me to go out with him again.
Oh my God. I have a date with Will tonight.
What stuck out the most about last night was being more turned on than I’d been in a while when I touched Declan’s skin, tracing his ink. It was a simple touch, but it had been erotic as hell.
I cringed as I also remembered pulling my pants down slightly to show Declan my tattoo.
Ugh.
What would’ve happened if that fire hadn’t interrupted our little show-me-yours-I’ll-show-you-mine game? Would we have kissed? That might have been inevitable. Clearly the gods above thought that was a terrible idea.
What time is it?
The clock showed 11AM.
When I walked out to the kitchen, Declan was nowhere to be found.
There was a note on the counter.
Hey, roomie,
I went to meet Julia for brunch. Didn’t want to wake you, but the coffeemaker is all set up. Just press start. Figured you’d need it stat. We both drank too much last night. In case you don’t remember, we almost starred in an episode of Chicago Fire, and you created a new word: rattoo.
xo Declan
He always knew how to make me laugh, even when I felt like I’d been hit by a truck.
I checked my phone and saw a text from Emma.
Emma: We didn’t have nearly enough chance to catch up last night. I want to hear all about what happened after you left with Declan!
Taking a deep breath in, I pondered how to handle this. I didn’t want to lie to her. Emma was my closest friend at work. And I did trust her. It was bad enough that I hadn’t been honest with Will.
After I poured my coffee, I thought about it some more and decided to ask Emma to meet me for lunch so I could properly explain everything. It would also be nice to have someone to vent to about this whole situation.
An hour later, Emma and I met at a spot halfway between my apartment and hers.
After the waitress brought our food, Emma wasted no time trying to get me to spill.
“Okay, so tell me everything. What’s the deal with that hottie Declan? Are you sleeping with him?”
Playing with one of my French fries, I shook my head. “The story is a bit crazy. But you have to promise you won’t utter a single word about this to anyone.”
Emma’s eyes narrowed. “Now I’m really intrigued. But of course.” She leaned in. “What the hell is going on?”
Over the next several minutes, I told her the entire story of how Declan came to live with me and the agreement we’d conjured up.
She shook her head in disbelief as she stirred sugar into her iced tea. “So let me get this straight. You and he had this agreement, and now you don’t really know who you’re trying to make jealous—Declan or Will? You fell for your fake boyfriend?”
Taking a huge bite of my burger, I spoke with my mouth full. “I didn’t mean for things to get complicated. My attraction to Declan has been gradually growing. And he certainly doesn’t have a clue how I feel. It wasn’t until he started seeing Julia that I even realized the extent of my feelings.” I stared off. “We just get along so well. He’s a really good friend. But last night—before we were interrupted by the fire—I’m pretty sure something was about to happen.”
She nodded. “So you’re juggling feelings for two different men. You’re going out with Dr. Dandy tonight, though. Maybe that will steer things to his corner.”
“We’ll have to see what happens.” I sighed. “Like I said, Declan is leaving in a few months anyway. So this is a temporary situation.”
“Then you have your answer. Just focus on Will. Obviously, his admission that he was jealous last night means you stand a bigger chance than you thought.”
“Yeah, but what if it’s just about the competition? I don’t know whether I can trust that his interest is genuine. I guess I won’t know unless I continue to see where things go.”
She chuckled. “There are definitely worse problems to have. You’re living with a gorgeous man and dating another.”
I smiled, though neither scenario was what I wanted. I didn’t want to live with a man or just date one. I wanted to be someone’s ride or die.
I want love.
***
Declan and I never crossed paths that day. He wasn’t home when I returned to get ready for my date with Will.
Later that evening, when I got there, Will had already arrived at the Italian bistro we’d agreed on. He stood and pulled out my chair for me as I approached the table.
Looking me up and down, he said, “You look absolutely gorgeous, Molly. Thank you for agreeing to a date on such short notice.”
He leaned in and placed a firm kiss on my cheek. The contact sent chills down my spine.
The bluntness of my response shocked me a little. “I wasn’t expecting you to ask me out again, to be honest.”
He seemed perplexed as he sat back down and slid his chair closer to the table. “Why is that?”
“Well, you hadn’t mentioned anything about going out again until Declan showed up last night.”
He blew out a long breath and nodded. “I had an amazing time with you earlier this week. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and that kiss. So if you think my lack of contact meant anything, it didn’t. It was a crazy week—stressful, many more-complicated births than usual. That was all.” He paused. “But…as I admitted to you at the bar last night, seeing you with him gave me a push. It made me realize that my feelings for you are even stronger than I was willing to admit.”
His behavior still confused me. I felt the need to lay everything on the line while I had his attention. But the waitress interrupted when she arrived to take our order. I hadn’t had a chance to look at the menu yet, so she gave us a few minutes to peruse it.
When she returned, Will ordered the lasagna, while I pondered the choices and ultimately opted for the pasta primavera. She brought two glasses of wine soon after.
Once she left, I took a long sip of my pinot and decided to take up where the conversation had left off.
“Will… The truth is…even though I’m dating Declan, it’s not my intention to date more than one man forever. I’m looking for stability in the long run. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I wasn’t. You already told me you’re not interested in a serious relationship. I respect your honesty, and that’s why I’m also being honest right now. I don’t want to waste your time if you don’t ever want anything serious. I—”
“Molly…” He held out his palm. “I think I need to clarify something. It’s true I didn’t want to get into anything serious right now, but I also think maybe I didn’t communicate properly on our first date. It seems you think the only reason I wanted to date you is because you were open to a casual relationship. That’s not true. I think you’re absolutely amazing, smart, beautiful—that’s why I’m drawn to you.” His eyes lingered on mine.
Feeling my pulse race, I said, “I appreciate you saying that, but I’m not sure we should continue things beyond tonight if you don’t think you want a serious relationship down the line.”
He stared off toward the entrance for a bit before meeting my eyes again. “How about this… I don’t want to stop seeing you. Not in the least. I think we should take this slow and with the goal of keeping an open mind. If we’re both feeling things are going well between us, I would love the option to date you exclusively. I suppose you would have to figure out your feelings for this other guy, though.”
I blinked, trying to process his words. “I would love to take it day by day. But you also said you didn’t want marriage and kids. I
know it’s very premature to be talking about this, but those are things I definitely want someday. So if you’re sure you don’t want that kind of a future, that would be a hard limit for me.”
Will reached for my hand and looked deeper into my eyes. “Let me explain. Marriage and kids are not something I want in the near future. I’d like some time to travel and enjoy my life. My last girlfriend very urgently wanted those things. That was the main reason we broke up. That said, if I fall in love with the right person, I wouldn’t deny her the opportunity to be a mother. I would be open to having a child as long as it was the right time and the right woman.”
His contradictory statements between the last date and now definitely left me feeling confused. But nevertheless, tonight he’d given me a little hope back.
“I know it seems silly to be discussing such things on a second date,” I said. “But I don’t want to waste my time with someone who would completely close the door on a future from the get-go, and honestly, that was the impression you gave me.”
“Understood.” He smiled. “I hope I’ve eased some of your concerns about continuing to date me.”
“You did. Thank you.” I let out a long exhale before taking another sip of wine. “Well, that was a serious conversation for so early on in the evening.”
He laughed. “Yes, but see, now we’ve gotten it out of the way and can take the rest of the time to enjoy each other.”
Soon after, our food arrived. It was the perfect buffer to transition to a lighter vibe. Will and I had a fantastic, stress-free meal.
After dinner, we decided we didn’t want the night to end. Since his apartment was closer to the restaurant (and since mine was off-limits due to the fact that I lived with my supposed other man), we went to Will’s place to hang out.
He popped open a bottle of wine and played jazz music from his impressive collection of vinyl albums.
We enjoyed some heavy kissing, but things didn’t go further than that. Will was the perfect gentleman, but whether he was the perfect man for me remained to be seen.
***
Over the next few days I returned to my night shifts. Will was off, so I didn’t cross paths with him at work nor Declan at home. And I rather enjoyed the reprieve from obsessing over my feelings for each of them.
On my first day off, though, I arrived home from running errands to find Declan shirtless, cooking at the stove.
“Be careful you don’t start a fire,” I cracked over the music he played.
He turned to me and winked. “Because I’m hot?” He set the spatula down and startled me when he ran over and drew me in for a hug, his hard chest pressing against me, making me all too aware of my attraction to him.
He pulled back to look at me. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever, roomie.”
I knew he’d spent at least one night at Julia’s this week, so I assumed they were having sex. That made me uneasy, but at least he didn’t insist on her sleeping over at our place.
“You hungry?” he asked.
The smell of French toast wafted through the air. So did the smell of Declan, his delicious, musky scent.
I swallowed. “I could eat.” Gosh. It felt different around him after the other night, like the volume on the sexual-tension meter had been turned from low to full blast.
“Well, I just so happen to be making your favorite: breakfast for dinner,” Declan announced before running to his room.
He returned wearing a shirt and resumed his position at the stove. It was like he knew his being shirtless had made me uneasy.
Declan flipped the French toast and sprinkled cinnamon over it. I spent the next several minutes watching him cook. That had become one of my favorite pastimes.
I vented to him about a staff shortage at work, while he opened up about one of his sisters having marital problems. It seemed some of our sexual tension dissipated once we got into a good conversation.
After he plated two big pieces of toast for each of us, we sat down and began devouring it together.
“This is the best French toast I’ve ever had.” My eyes wandered over to the jars on the counter. I stopped chewing. “What did you do?”
I couldn’t believe I was just now noticing it, but I’d been a little distracted when I walked in. My pastel, color-coordinated M&Ms had been replaced by a mish-mash of primary rainbow colors, all mixed together in each jar. I was about to break out in hives.
“Just helping you out,” he said. “You mentioned your therapist wanted you to become accustomed to things in disarray. I thought of this idea when I walked by the bulk candy store.”
“So thoughtful of you to nearly give me a heart attack.”
As ballsy as this was, I knew he’d done it with good intentions. And I had been slacking on my exercises lately. In fact, I hadn’t challenged myself at all.
“What did you do with the other M&Ms?”
“Don’t worry. I stored them away for safe keeping. You’ll get them back when you’ve earned them.” He winked.
“Oh boy. Great.”
“Needless to say, Julia wasn’t too thrilled when I made her stop into the candy store for a five-pound bag. But I think it was because of who I was buying them for.”
The bread caught a little in my throat. “She’s still jealous of me?”
“Well, I told her you’re dating Will now. But she still seems insecure about us living together.”
My heart raced and several seconds of silence passed.
“Should she be?” I muttered.
You could’ve heard a pin drop. I regretted my question but couldn’t take it back.
His eyes bore into mine.
Flashbacks from the other night ran through my mind—my fingers grazing his hard body, the goose bumps on his skin. I remembered every second of those moments.
Instead of answering my question, he set his fork down with a hard clank. “I never had a chance to ask you about your date with Will.”
I cleared my throat. “It went really well. We had dinner and then he took me to his apartment and showed me his vinyl record collection.”
He laughed, but it held an air of insincerity. “And you had to pretend to be interested?”
I shrugged. “I…appreciated it. He has eclectic musical taste.”
Declan nodded. “Did he show you more than just his collection?”
That question was a little brazen. But I suppose I’d been a bit brazen myself tonight. I told the truth.
“No. I showed him nothing. It’s too soon.”
“Good.” He let out a breath. “I’m not sure I trust the guy. I don’t like the one-eighty he pulled just because he saw me show up at the bar. He changed his tune awfully fucking fast.”
I felt the need to come to Will’s defense. “I don’t fault him for his honesty or his jealousy. I respect his admitting that he isn’t interested in anything serious right now. He could’ve just led me on. But last night he clarified some things. He said he might be open to something serious in the future. He wants to take things slow.”
“How noble of him,” he huffed. “Fuck that. You deserve someone who’s not so wishy-washy, Molly. I mean, the guy says one thing one day and another the next? What does that tell you?”
Deep down, I’d felt those warning signals loud and clear myself. But while I appreciated Declan sticking up for me, his words struck a bitter chord.
“And Julia isn’t wishy-washy? She flirted with you for weeks while she had a boyfriend. That’s the opposite of honesty and sounds pretty wishy-washy to me.”
“I didn’t say she was perfect, either.”
“You used to think so. You made her sound like she walked on water when you first described her to me.” I rolled my eyes.
He raised his brow. “Did that bother you?”
Blood rushed to my face. “No. Why do you think that?”
“I don’t know. You seemed irritated when you said that just now—that I used to think Julia was perfect. Do my feelings for her up
set you?”
“No. Get over yourself. Why would that upset me?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
Feeling defensive, I blurted, “Why would I care how you feel about someone? I don’t like you that way.”
Big. Mistake. But it was too late to take it back. My words almost immediately bit me in the ass.
“You seem to like me a fuck of a lot when you’re drunk,” he quipped.
Shit. I don’t like where this conversation is going. “We were both drunk, Declan. If I remember correctly, you were the one who suggested I show you my tattoo in return for you showing me yours.”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Then he leaned in so I could feel his breath on my face. “Funny how we were both supposedly so drunk, yet we remember our actions clearly.”
My phone rang, interrupting the tense exchange. Relief washed over me—until my heart sank.
It’s Kayla, my dad’s wife. She never called.
CHAPTER 14
* * *
Declan
“How is everything?” I jumped out of my seat in the waiting room the minute Molly walked through the double doors.
She sighed. “He’s okay. They think he passed out because he’s become anemic. It’s a common side effect of the chemotherapy. The initial bloodwork is back, but they’re going to admit him so they can run some more tests. He also has a pretty bad bump on his head from when he hit the table as he went down. So they’re treating him with concussion protocol, to be safe.”
I raked a hand through my hair. “Okay. That all sounds treatable, right?”
Molly nodded. “Yeah. The anemia is treatable. They’re starting a blood transfusion now, and he’ll go on a regimen of iron pills for a while.” She shook her head. “He just looks so fragile already. It’s only been a little over a month since his diagnosis, and a couple of weeks since I last saw him, yet I can see how fast things are progressing. He’s lost a lot of weight, his skin is sallow, and he looks exhausted. Kayla said he’s been talking about stopping the chemo already.”
Not Pretending Anymore Page 11
