Natwick froze.
She tilted her head up to gaze at him, a frown of puzzlement
appearing between her eyes at his sudden lack of movement. His hands
dropped away from her and he retreated a few steps.
"George? Did I do something---" Her mind caught up with her
ears and she realized what she'd said. "Oh." One hand went up to
cover her mouth. She extended her other hand towards him. "I'm sorry.
George, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to---" She had no idea what to say.
Natwick was momentarily paralyzed by the conflict between the
demands of his mind and body. His hormone-stimulated body was telling
him to ignore her slip, accept her apology, and get back to pleasing
both her and himself physically. He wanted her---had wanted her for
weeks. She was willing.
His mind was telling him she was emotionally upset---she didn't
know what she was doing---and a real man wouldn't take advantage of
her. Could he live with himself if they went through with this and
she regretted it tomorrow---if not sooner? He wanted to tell his mind
to shut up.
"George," she repeated, dismayed and apologetic. She stepped
toward him, her arms moving to go around his neck once more.
His hands shot out, caught her wrists and held them in front of
him. Confusion, doubt, and---just for a split second---fear---filled
her green eyes. It was the fear that settled the issue.
"Malista," he growled. "You don't want this---not really. And
not with me." His body told him he was forty-seven varieties of a
fool.
She tried to argue with him. "George, you don't understand. I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have said---I don't know why I said---"
"Because you want---him. You love him, don't you?" His voice was
sad, disappointed. He rubbed his thumbs over the base of her palms as
he waited for her response.
She nodded slowly. She'd never admitted it to herself, but as he
said it, she suddenly knew it was true. "But it doesn't matter, does
it? Because he---doesn't want me," she said mournfully.
"Then he's a fool. So why start something with me? You just
wanted to have some fun?" he asked, sarcasm giving his words an edge.
"Or am I supposed to be a stand-in for him?"
Her eyes flew back to his. "No. I'm sorry," she repeated.
"George, I didn't mean to use you tonight---I just thought---I mean I
have to have sex sometime, right? And if it can't be Harry, then---"
"Then it doesn't matter who with?" He drew on his stoic warrior
persona as he faced that blow, so deadly to his ego.
She read the hurt she'd dealt him and reacted immediately with
compassion. "No! That's not what I meant. George, I wouldn't have
tried this with---*anybody*. I do find you attractive---and you're
nice. You're a lot sweeter than you let on."
"Uh-huh," he muttered skeptically.
"George," she said, with a flash of anger, "if I wanted just
anybody---I could have gone looking for Freddie Bristow---or somebody
else who wouldn't think twice about---"
He dropped his hold on her hands. "Freddie Bristow?" he repeated
incredulously. "That kid? You would not!" He seemed appalled at the
very idea.
"At least *he* wants me!" she shouted, turning her back on him,
trying to hide her hurt and humiliation.
He grabbed her shoulders and spun her to face him. "*I* want
you!" he said emphatically.
"Then why not---"
"Because *you* don't want *me*!!" he said pointedly. "Your first
time should be with someone you have feelings for, Malista. Don't
throw away something special because you're mad at Harry Kim---or
because you're trying to stop the cackling of a bunch of empty-headed
birdbrains!"
Hot tears spilled over. "Oh, George! I'm sorry. I'm such a mess. I
can't believe how stupid---I thought if we---the gossips would stop
talking about me and Tom---and Harry kept saying I was 'innocent' so
I thought that if you taught me---then Harry would---I could---"
With a mighty effort, Natwick controlled his exasperation and
pulled her close to let her cry on his shoulder. "Malista, if you
slept with me---even if it was only to get over your fear---I
guarantee you---Harry Kim would not like it! He certainly wouldn't
appreciate it if you slept with me to stop some rumors. Did you think
he'd let you demonstrate what you learned?"
"I wasn't thinking at all!" she sniffed. Pulling away from him,
she walked over to her table and grabbed a tissue. She dabbed at her
eyes and blew her nose.
"No, you weren't. Physically, I could teach you a few things.
Emotionally, it might do more harm than I can live with. But I'm not
going to teach you anything ---not until it's *me* you want. I have
too much self-esteem to be a substitute for someone else. It's
getting late. Now, I'm leaving. You get some rest." He started for
the door. "And don't worry! I won't tell anyone about this! I'm not a
gossip."
Her face crumpled as she dropped onto the couch. "Oh, damn. I
can't even seduce a man who *does* want me!" She buried her face in
the crook of her arm, her shoulders shaking silently. She was
muttering under her breath again. This time it did sound like
cursing.
Natwick studied her for a moment. Enough was enough. He didn't
know all the details, but he knew enough to know who to blame for
this fiasco. He marched out her door, leaving it unlocked and headed
for the quarters of Ensign Harry Kim.
It was his intention to tell Kim to come apologize to Malista. And if
he refused---George almost hoped he would refuse. He was on a very
short fuse right now.
***********************
"Ensign Kim to Commander Chakotay."
Janeway looked up from the reports she held and cocked an
eyebrow at her first officer quizzically. They'd just gotten settled
in to begin work again.
He shrugged with a half smile. "When it rains, it pours?" He
put down his datapadd and hit his commbadge. "Chakotay here."
"Commander, I was wondering if you---if you aren't busy, I'd
like to speak with you about something." The ensign hesitated as he
checked the time. It was getting late for drop in visits.
Janeway, smiling ruefully, was collecting the reports and
datapadds once more. She waved a hand at the first officer.
"Of course, Mr. Kim. Would you like to come to my quarters?"
Chakotay replied.
"Be right there. Kim out."
"Captain---"
"Don't worry about it, Chakotay. If these little talks are going
to ease some of the tension, it will be well worth the interruptions
to our meetings. We'll finish these tomorrow---unless, of course, Tom
or Malista decide they have to talk to you!" She smiled as she exited
his quarters once more.
He sighed, shook`his head, and tried to prepare himself for
Harry's arrival.
***********************
Tom turned to look at B'Elanna Torres as he slipped his arm
around her shoulders. "I owe Jenny Delaney an apology."
"Why?" Torres sno
rted. "She was spreading the rumor, wasn't
she?"
"No," he replied. "Not really. She was just letting me in on it-
--before I heard it somewhere else. The Delaneys don't spread rumors.
They've been the victims of too many of them. Something I have some
experience with myself. I overreacted. I just got---upset---because
of the way it affected Malista. She was already in such pain and then
this on top of everything else!" He paused, unsure if he should
continue. "B'Elanna,---we need to talk."
She'd never thought he'd be the one to say it. She stared up at
him solemnly and nodded slowly. He led her to the couch and sat her
down on one end, then moved his armchair perpendicular to her
position. She patted the empty space next to her on the couch. "You
can't talk sitting next to me?" she asked, half teasing him. He
looked so---serious.
A rueful smile tugged at his lips. "You're too distracting. If
I'm near enough to touch you---we'll start kissing---and that will be
the end of the conversation," he confessed. "I thought that was one
of the things you were---annoyed about?"
For lack of anything better to do with her hands, she crossed
her arms. "Yes, Tom. That is one thing I complained about. That you
were avoiding having to talk to me by getting physical." It was an
effort for her to sit still, but she made it gladly.
"Not that I don't enjoy getting physical---"
"B'Elanna, don't make this harder," he said, shifting
uncomfortably in his chair. He probably would have looked more at
ease facing a firing squad. "We said we were going to get to know
each other---and I haven't exactly---I don't really know ---You want
to talk?"
He cleared his throat. His hands clasped the arms of the chair, his
knuckles whitening as he forced himself not to flinch away from her
brown-eyed appraisal. "I don't know what you want to talk about---how
do you---do you want to ask questions, or what?" Smile Number Four
flickered on and off his lips.
She took a deep breath and tried to smile at him. He seemed to
be braced for an examination---one that he wasn't sure he could pass.
She'd never meant to make him this miserable. She wanted to reach out
and pull him into her arms, to soothe him---but that would just be
postponing this discussion for another time---and it might be harder
to get to this point another time. She licked lips that had suddenly
gone dry. 'Oh, Chakotay,' she thought, 'I hope you know what you're
talking about!'
"Tom, I know I thanked you for your help and support with the
Vidiians,"
she began. His blues eyes widened. He had expected a question, not
this. "But I don't think I ever told you---how brave I thought you
were." She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat.
"Brave?" he whispered. "What---?" It was as if he didn't
recognize the word.
She nodded. "It was very brave of you to try so hard to protect
me---the human me---and Pete Durst. You almost pushed them into
killing you when you defied them. You risked your own life to keep
the Vidiians from hurting us."
"And I did a bang up job for poor Pete, too," he muttered
sourly, dropping his eyes to the floor.
She couldn't stand to see the poignant look on his face. She
leaned forward and rested her hand on his forearm, squeezing tightly.
"Tom, just because you couldn't save Pete---that doesn't mean you
weren't brave. Remember, the Vidiians had all the advantages---
weapons, numbers. You stood up to them and tried to put yourself
between them and Pete. It's not your fault that they won. You did
your best."
His mouth twisted as he met her eyes. "And my best wasn't good
enough. Again."
"Tom! You make me so mad!" She shook his arm. "Stop beating
yourself up so much! If anyone else had been there, would it have
made a difference? Could anyone else have done more?"
He thought about it for a moment. "I don't know," he said
uncertainly.
"Then give yourself the benefit of the doubt!" She jumped to her
feet. "You remember what you told me in the tunnels of that mine? You
said that courage doesn't mean you don't have fear. It means you've
learned to overcome it. And Tom, you have! You saved my life---maybe
my sanity as well! I'm just sorry I let my pride keep me from telling
you how much you helped me then! I should have told you--- lots of
things---Like I never told you how proud I was of you when you
brought Voyager back to us---You kept your head, enlisted help---
Most of us on that planet were just hoping you were---alive." There
was a catch in her throat. "We wanted to believe you were---and that
you might bring the shuttle or a Talaxian ship to rescue us. We never
dreamed you'd bring Voyager back for us!---You were *wonderful*! And
I'm sorry I never told you---"
He smiled up at her, wanting desperately to believe she was
sincere. "I think I've changed my mind. Maybe we can talk and hold
each other at the same time?" he asked wistfully. He held his arms
up.
She laughed and threw herself into his lap, her arms circling
his neck. "Do you think this is going to help?"
He stroked her hair and studied her face as if memorizing it.
"You are so beautiful."
"That's funny. I was just thinking the same thing about you,"
she murmured, caressing his cheek with her palm. She felt herself
falling into the blue, mesmerizing pools of his eyes.
"B'Ella, I wanted to tell you," he paused to clear his throat.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry for not being more---honest about how I
feel. You wanted to know what happened at Caldik Prime and I
wouldn't---"
She placed a finger over his lips. "It's not important, Tom.
That's your past. I never meant for us to have some kind of
confession meeting. I don't want a chance to cross-examine you. I
just want you to feel free to---just be yourself. You don't always
have to be---kidding around. If you want to talk about Caldik Prime--
-or the prison in New Zealand---or whatever---then we'll talk about
it. If you feel sad, feel sad with me. If you're happy, share it with
me! Tell me what you want from me--- what you need from me! And I'll
tell you the same things! We may have to wear a mask in public, but
when we're alone together I don't want to wear a mask for you. I
don't want you to pretend with me either. I want to be with you---Tom
Paris!"
"Aw, B'Ella," he groaned, resting his forehead against hers.
"I've been alone so long---until I came to Voyager---it's such a
habit to keep everything to myself--- keep myself under control---
keep anyone from getting too close!"
"I know. I feel the same way. It's not easy for me to open up
either. We can take this slowly---and help each other. I'll fight my
impatience. I don't expect you to change overnight, Paris!" she
growled. "And I don't plan to either---so don't get your hopes up!"
He chuckled as he stroked her hair once more, running his thumbs
&
nbsp; lightly over her head bumps. "You're perfect just the way you are!
You don't have to change a thing about yourself!"
She put the back of her hand against his forehead.
"What are you doing?" he asked with a puzzled frown.
"Checking for a temperature--- if you think I'm perfect, you
must be delirious with fever!" She tried to get off his lap and
pretended she was going to call Sickbay.
He refused to relinquish his hold on her and tried to keep her hands
away from her commbadge. They were playfully wrestling when they
heard a loud thunk against the outside wall of his quarters.
"What the hell---?" They both got to their feet and started for
the exit.
***********************
The counseling session with Harry Kim was---different. Within
minutes, Chakotay came to the conclusion that the ensign did not, in
fact, want advice. He just needed an objective sounding board.
Chakotay listened carefully, tried to look wise, and nodded his head
at intervals.
"---and because I felt insecure, I made all kinds of irrational
accusations---I knew they weren't true when I made them, but I
couldn't seem to stop myself---and now I want to find a way to
apologize. So what do you think I should do now, Commander?" Harry's
earnest face was turned toward him.
Chakotay blinked. That was his cue to finally say something.
"How about flowers?"
"I've already done that," the ensign admitted. "Of course--- I
did it anonymously. I signed the card 'Your Secret Admirer'."
"Why?"
"Why what?" the younger man asked.
"Why not let her know you sent the flowers?" Chakotay
elucidated.
Harry flashed him a sheepish grin. " I thought---I wasn't sure
she'd accept the flowers if she knew I sent them. That's why I sent
them anonymously. It's Greek Independence Day. The people in
Malista's colony celebrate it as a holiday. The blue and white
flowers represent the Greek flag. I thought it might make her feel---
more like home."
Chakotay smiled kindly at the young man. Trust Harry Kim to do
something so thoughtful. "Does Malista like sweets? You could
replicate some candy as a gift."
"Chocolate caramels!" Harry said as if inspired. "Thanks,
Commander! That's just the thing. But what do I say to her?"
"How about---I'm sorry?"
Trials 03 Torres' Trial Page 17
