by Teri Terry
Won’t help Gecko.
Late that night I wake as the door to my room is unlocked, and watch as it opens: Crystal is silhouetted in the darkness.
I sit up fast. ‘What is it with you: have you got something against sleep?’
‘I can help you. Teach you how to control the void so it doesn’t control you.’
I stare at her suspiciously. ‘What’s in it for you?’
‘There is a price. Take me to see Gecko.’
‘Why?’
‘I have to see him. Look, you don’t know him like I do. He’ll be going crazy locked up like that. He can’t take it.’
I stare back at her, somehow hurt that he’s told his secrets to her, too.
‘Please, just take me to him.’
‘So you can’t find people in the void on your own.’
She scowls. ‘If I could, would I be here? No, I can’t. It’s not a common S’hacker skill. Actually Tempo is the only other S’hacker I know of who can do it, but even she can’t find someone if they’re in their S’hack. Gecko can find places, but not people.’
Part of me is sure I should say no, and not just out of wanting to keep her away from Gecko. There is nothing in Crystal that says she has my interests at heart; quite the opposite. Yet…here is a chance to find out more about the void without Tempo’s control, without her insisting I commit to helping when I don’t even know what that could entail. Despite what I said to Tempo, I’m gripped by curiosity. Just thinking about it makes my blood feels hot, as if it is calling me to the void.
‘Well?’ she says, an impatient edge in her voice. ‘You owe me for getting that report on your grandmother.’
‘Is this just between us?’
‘Tempo’d have a fit; I’m not going to tell her.’
‘All right, then. Let’s do it,’ I say.
We creep down the dark hallway. She opens one of the PIP doors, enters a passcode. I lean back in the PIP; she watches me plug in before going to do so herself.
It is somehow reassuring that she can’t find me. My skill at finding people is useful, given that I can’t use Realtime the usual way to friend her and go to her space so we can go up a ladder together. Not when PareCo will be alert to any use of Realtime by me while I’m missing.
I head up the ladder, through the hatch, and step into the void. For all its strangeness it is becoming more familiar now. I look at the veins in my wrist again: is it a trick of the strange light? They’re silver.
I focus on Crystal, on her face; nothing happens.
It’s not working.
I sigh, then try again, and again. Why? As if from nowhere the thought comes. Is it because I don’t really want to find her, is that it? She’ll be angry by now.
I focus on wanting to be with Crystal, and finally, an arrow. It wavers as if it knows I’m not really sure, then strengthens until I find her.
‘Where’ve you been?’ she snaps. Voice brittle like the ice cloud that surrounds her.
‘Sorry, it seems to be fallible. I was having trouble convincing myself I really wanted to find you.’
She laughs. ‘That is an excuse I can understand and accept. All right then. Tell me what you can and can’t do.’
‘Er…OK. I can find people. As you know.’
‘Useful.’
‘If I really want to.’
‘Fair. Anything else?’
‘I can make doors into the void, out of my Realtime hallway. And into things, like Gecko’s S’hack.’
She shakes her head. ‘That should be impossible; it’s trespassing of the worst kind.’
‘He doesn’t seem to mind.’
Her eyes grow colder, if that is possible. ‘Wonderful. Is that it?’
‘Once I did my hair. And I can spin and collapse the void.’
‘Interesting – if you’re not trapped in it at the time. Anything else?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘The main S’hacker skill you haven’t mentioned is creation. What can you make?’
‘Make?’ I frown. ‘I made a falling star recently. I think…when I was very small, I made a night sky: stars and a moon.’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know. I sort of wanted them, threw silver, and there they were.’
‘What would you like to make now? Desire is important here. Something you desperately want. Half-hearted doesn’t cut it.’
The only thing I can think of that I want is my family. Dad. Jason. Home. My room, at home? It wasn’t anything special, but it was mine. Even Sally wouldn’t generally invade it when I was in residence.
‘I’ve got something. What next?’
‘It sounds like when you’ve been spinning before you’ve gathered power, then collapsed it. This is the opposite. Gather power and thrust it out to create.’
‘Yeah, sure. That’s helpful.’
She crosses her arms. ‘Just try it, you dys.’
I walk away from Crystal. Stand in the void, in the darkness, the comfort of little lights, whistling winds. I picture everything I can of my room from home, every detail, the battered shelves, the photo of Astra. Then raise my hands and spin.
Silver rushes to me from all directions. It clings to my skin, and my blood rushes to the surface in a wave of heat. The silver in me and around me longs to embrace; one calls for more and more of the other, in perfect harmony – a duet of growing power.
Vaguely I hear Crystal’s voice calling through the vortex that has started to swirl above me: You need more control! And I try to calm it, to steady the rush, but there is so much, too much.
Not just my room then, no. Our house, too. The garden. It spreads out around me and is more than it ever has been. Fragrant blossoms fill the air as if a mad hyperactive spring has taken over.
‘Rein it in,’ Crystal yells. ‘Or it’ll implode in on itself.’
I slow, calm, pull in the borders. Breathing deeply, but not air – silver. It is me, of me, around me. My hands: I stare at them. Beautiful silver.
‘Luna, Luna.’ A distant voice calls my name, but I ignore it now. Lie on the warm grass, a sunny day. As I calm, the silver breathes out until I’m more the me that I usually am. But the other is me, too? The orange and black of a butterfly flutters past, and I smile.
‘Luna, please!’
I frown. Is that Crystal?
I make a door in the edges of blue sky and open it. Outside in the blackness of the void is Crystal. She stares through the door, eyes wide. ‘That was a bit of a wow.’ She hesitates. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Of course.’
She walks in, looks around her in wonder. ‘Nice S’hack,’ she says, finally. ‘Show-off.’
‘You told me to make something I wanted, so I did.’
‘What is this place?’
‘Home,’ I say, simply.
‘It’s your S’hack now. No one but you can find it. No one but you can get in or out unless you let them.’
‘Did I do all right?’
She rolls her eyes. ‘You pass creation. Next lesson would be new worlds, but by the looks of this that won’t be too much for you. Only thing is you took in too much power. If you overwhelm what you are trying to create with more than it needs, it might get away from you, and tear you apart with it.’
‘Spinning power…it’s intoxicating. I wanted more and more.’
‘That’s the danger you must guard against.’ She shakes her head. ‘Most of us don’t have that problem; most of us struggle to make something small and plain.’ Envy is stark in her eyes.
‘Come on; let’s find Gecko.’
I make another door in the sky; we step through. As soon as we do the door vanishes. No sign my own S’hack is even there unless I think of it: then, much like w
ith Gecko’s S’hack, a faint outline appears.
I hold Gecko in my mind, and we follow silver arrows until we get to his S’hack. I stop. ‘Here we are.’
‘Where?’ she says, looking around her.
‘You can’t see it?’
She frowns, shakes her head no.
I wish for a door, and as the silver spreads, she nods. ‘I can see the door.’
I open it, step through.
Crystal doesn’t follow.
‘Luna?’ Gecko is lying down on his bench. He sits up but doesn’t stand. There are stark black circles under his eyes, but he smiles to see me.
‘What’s wrong?’
A pained look crosses his face. ‘I don’t…I can’t…’
‘What is it?’ I stare at the struggle on his face; it’s like it was when he was trying to talk about what happened at the test centre. ‘Is your Implant stopping you from telling me something?’
He nods, then winces as if that simple movement caused a backlash inside.
‘Crystal is with me; she wants to see you. But she couldn’t seem to come in. Can you do anything? Like, give her permission or whatever?’
He nods. ‘Try again,’ he says.
I make a door, look through it. Crystal scowls on the other side.
‘What game you playing at?’ she snaps.
‘Nothing. You didn’t follow me.’
‘You just vanished. I couldn’t see where you went.’
‘All right. How about if I pull you through?’ I hold out a hand. She hesitates, comes up, takes my hand. Hers is so cold hairs rise on my arm. I start to pull her through the door but she lets go, cries out. I turn back, and she is cradling her hand against her.
‘Sorry. Looks like you can’t come in.’
Her eyes are filling with tears that spill and freeze to crystals on her cheeks. She blinks furiously.
‘Is there anything you want me to tell him?’
‘I don’t know. Just say…I miss him. And hope he’s all right.’
‘OK. Wait here.’
I go back through to Gecko. ‘She can’t come in.’ I relay her message, watching his face. Is she really his girlfriend?
As if he reads my thoughts he shakes her head. ‘We used to be together. Not for a while. It didn’t work out.’
‘Oh. Does she know that?’
‘She should. She’s not always good at processing stuff she doesn’t like, though.’ He hesitates. ‘We’ve been friends for years. I know she’s difficult, but she’s had a tough time. Her mum was an Implant Addict; Crystal had been selling her S’hacking abilities to dodgy customers to feed them since she could walk.’
I stare at him, horrified.
‘But she is a friend, nothing more. And it’s good to see you. What’s happening out there?’
I relay a summary of Crystal and me in the void; Tempo’s words last night.
‘Don’t listen to Tempo; don’t let them use you like they’ve used me.’
‘What do you mean?’
He shakes his head. ‘Just suspicions. But keep away from PareCo.’
‘I can’t. I have to make PareCo pay for what they’ve done to my family.’ I spit the words out. The words I’d been holding back from Tempo, wanting to think things through before I give her what she wants to hear. But no matter what her reasons are, our ultimate goal is the same.
‘Don’t let them get you, too, Luna.’ A note of fear, of warning.
‘What has happened to you? What’s wrong?’
He visibly struggles. ‘You don’t want to be where I am,’ he finally manages to get out. Then breathes heavily, as if he fought hard just to say that.
‘Are you still at Inaccessible Island?’
He nods. So his physical location isn’t blocked; something else is.
‘I need to go there.’
‘No, Luna. Don’t do it.’
‘You think I can’t do anything useful!’
‘No, that’s not it. It’s too dangerous. Do you want to be trapped like me?’
‘Listen to me, Gecko. They can’t trap me in the void, can they? I can always just unplug at will, even if I’m in the void. So that can’t happen to me. I’ll go to Inaccessible Island. I’ll find out what they’re up to, and I’ll find you. Do an emergency unplug on your body, and set you free.’
‘No, Luna. Don’t go there. It’s too dangerous. Nothing can happen to you; it’s too important. You’re too important.’
I stare back into his dark eyes. ‘Why?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ He smiles and a trace of his swagger comes back. ‘You haven’t completely fallen under my spell yet. It’s ruining my track record.’
I smile, but shake my head. ‘You can’t stop me. Gecko, I’ll find you, wherever you are.’
He wraps his arms around me, and I can feel him shaking. He’s still fighting the Implant, fighting to find a way to tell me what has happened. He finally sags and shakes his head. Murmurs into my hair. ‘I can’t help you. You’d be on your own.’
‘I know. It’s OK; I’m used to it.’
After unplugging, Crystal and I head up the dark hallway, and through the door at the end. Then the lights suddenly go on. Tempo and Heywood stare back at us.
‘What have you done?’ Tempo demands, staring at Crystal.
She straightens her shoulders. ‘What you should have done in the first place. Start teaching her, so she isn’t a danger to others.’
‘Or herself,’ Heywood adds mildly.
Tempo turns her glare on Heywood. ‘You knew about this?’
‘No. But it was a good idea. The right thing to do.’
They all start winding up for an argument, ignoring the one they’re arguing about. I sit on the sofa for the show, but then suddenly feel tired of it all.
‘Listen up,’ I yell out when there is a pause. ‘Remember me? I’ve decided where I stand. What I’m doing. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?’
Silence falls. Three sets of eyes swivel towards me.
‘I’m going to Inaccessible Island.’
Later that night I lie in bed, unable to sleep.
Heywood and Tempo argue outside my door. He thinks I need more training. That I’m dangerous. Tempo’s voice is cold, condescending; how could he possibly know anything about it when he’s not a S’hacker, or even a Hacker? That every virtual means to find out what is happening at Inaccessible Island has failed: the only way forward is for someone to go there in person. That from what Crystal told her I did in the void tonight, I’m more than ready. And she says that is exactly why I should go there, and go there now: that I’m dangerous, unpredictable. PareCo won’t know what I’m going to do.
They’re not the only ones.
And me: dangerous? If only they could see me now. I hug Mr Dog close, curled into a ball, with pillows either side of me at the edges of the bed like I used to do when I was a child – convinced it’d stop the scary creatures under the bed from climbing up and getting me.
But this time I’m going under the bed.
28
Tempo takes me to her office the next morning. She shuts the door; we are alone. ‘Tell me what you want to do,’ she says.
‘I’ll go to Inaccessible Island. I’ll find out what PareCo is up to there. And I’ll find Gecko.’ I say the words like all that will be easy to accomplish, but inside, I’m scared.
She’s pleased, though she doesn’t say. There is a gleam of triumph in her eyes. Am I doing exactly what she wants? That grates for some reason, but I shrug it away. It’s what I want, too. It’s what I must do.
‘There is a catch. You can’t just walk out of here as if nothing ever happened. How do you explain where you’ve been? Even if you can come up with a good story, they�
��ll never believe it. A few truth drugs and they’ll know everything.’
‘So what can I do?’
‘Memory beads, like your mother’s. We’ll put your memories of here in beads. I can take time back to the last time you were in the void before you came here.’
Shivers go up my spine. Take my memories, and hide them away in beads? Like Astra did. Shock hits me hard when I see the implications: memories aren’t just copied, they are taken. And they are taken out of time: only Tempo could do this.
‘You did that for Astra, too, didn’t you? You made this necklace.’ I touch it where it hangs around my neck.
‘Yes,’ she admits.
That isn’t quite what she told me before, but I push that thought away as tears prickle in my eyes. ‘So when Astra put memories in these beads – of when I was born, my first steps – she didn’t remember those moments herself any more.’
‘It’s the only way it can be done.’
‘So she took early memories of me as a baby, and put them in beads?’ I shake my head. ‘How could she do that, strip her own memories for me? And why? Did I really need them more than she did?’ It hurts to think she could just walk away from them like that.
‘If she’d survived she could have restored them to herself, just like you will do later on – restore the memories we place in the beads.’
‘But how will I know to access them later if I can’t remember anything?’
‘When the time is right, you’ll know.’
That isn’t good enough for me. Later when we plug in to go to the void for memory shenanigans, I race to my S’hack first, write myself a note, and pin it to the front door of the house. I won’t remember my S’hack, or making it. But won’t I be drawn to it? It’s my home away from home, the one place I’d want to run to in the void. I hope so; it’s all I can come up with now.
I try to hurry to meet Tempo, picturing her face: forcing the silver arrows to show me the way. It’s even harder than that last time with Crystal. I really don’t want to find Tempo, do I?
But I must.
It’s fear, that’s all it is: fear of having my memories mucked with. But it has to be done; it’s the only way. I push it away, focus.
