It was too much. The grief crashed over her catching her off guard. Her knees buckled and before she knew what was happening, she hit the ground.
Wyatt was instantly by her side.
“What happened? Are you hurt?” He frantically searched her body, pulling her jacket open and then searching her back.
She couldn't answer. She shook her head no, but he wasn't getting the message. All she could do was sob. The guilt and grief were too much for her to bear.
When Wyatt found no injuries, he leaned back and looked at her. A look of understanding crossed his face.
“You guys go on ahead. We'll catch up,” he told the group who had gathered around.
Chase seemed to understand and commanded the other men to keep moving.
“Let it out, Megan. Let it out,” Wyatt soothed, rubbing her back.
Megan wanted to tell him to go away, but she couldn't form the words.
“I'm sorry,” she managed to gurgle out. “I'm so sorry, Wyatt.”
“Megan, you can't be sorry. It isn't your fault. The man responsible is dead. There is nothing more we can do.”
She vehemently shook her head, “No! You don't understand. It was me. I did it!”
“What? You did what, Megan?”
“Jack!” she wailed. “It's my fault.”
“Megan, it isn't your fault. Jack knew exactly what he was getting into. We all did. It could have been any one of us.”
Megan cried harder. She had to tell him. There was no way she could live with the weight of the guilt. There was a good chance she would be leaving them once he found out she had chosen to save the others instead of his brother.
A sudden calm washed over her as the resolve to clear the air took hold. She refused to live with the guilt.
Taking a deep breath, Megan stared Wyatt right in the eye, “You don't understand. I could have saved him. I chose not to.”
Wyatt leaned back on his heels. He didn't say anything. She knew he was waiting for an explanation.
“Bryan, Chase, Evan and Garrett were all trapped in the shed. A man had a torch and was lighting it on fire. I knew I had to take him out.”
Wyatt nodded.
“There were two other men with some RPG type thing. They were aiming it directly at Jack. Jack was kicking some serious butt and took out quite a few of the men. I shot one of the men, but the other one kept going.”
A grim look crossed Wyatt's face.
“You shot the man with the torch.”
She fought back the tears that threatened to start pouring out again.
“Yes. I only had one bullet, Wyatt,” she whispered. “I had one bullet and an impossible decision.”
Wyatt didn't say anything for several long minutes.
“Okay,” he said, standing up and brushing his pants off.
“Wyatt. I am so sorry. I didn't know what to do. I thought of the four men burning alive. I couldn't let it happen.”
He turned to look at her, still kneeling on the ground.
“You did what you had to do. It was for the good of the group as a whole. You chose to save four lives instead of one.”
His voice was cold, but not mean. It was a commander talking to his soldier, not a man talking to the woman he loved.
Megan instantly regretted unburdening herself. She should have never told him. Now she made her grief and guilt his. He had enough to deal with and she made it worse.
If she thought the guilt was bad before, it was nearly unbearable, now.
They started walking again, with Wyatt ahead of her. They didn't speak. She wondered if he would ever talk to her again.
Her mind started to whir as she thought of her future. She was going to have to leave the lodge. She would not make them look at her, the woman who killed the man they loved. Could she stay through winter?
She would have to try. She couldn't risk taking Caitlin into a snowy winter simply because people were going to treat her with malice. She would have to stay strong and deal with the hate that was sure to come her way.
Another thought popped into her head.
What if they kicked her out?
A strangled cry escaped her throat as she thought of being kicked out with nowhere to go. Would they do such a thing?
Wyatt loved her, but he loved his brother, too. Willow, Rosie and Ryland would encourage him to push her out.
Wyatt had stopped walking and stood in front of her.
“Megan, I think it’s best if we keep what happened before Jack's death between us. Okay?”
“Are you sure? I don't want to lie to them. They deserve to know what happened.”
“It isn't lying. They don't need to know. It doesn't change the outcome. It would cause problems for the whole lodge.”
She understood what he was saying. Deep down, she was relieved no one else would have to know what she did.
“Megan?”
She didn't want to look at him.
“Megan?”
“What?”
“Look at me.”
She took a deep breath, preparing herself for his anger and hurt.
“You did the right thing. You saved the lives of four men. The explosives they had were imperative to killing McDaniels. You have to know that. You made a decision based on the needs of many over the needs of one.”
She nodded, unable to speak. His voice was soft. Her boyfriend had returned. He was saying the words to reassure her and comfort her.
He looked thoughtful, “Jack was in bad shape. I don't know that he would have made it back to the lodge and I think he knew that, which was why he insisted on coming. The position he chose to take was the most obvious. He knew it wasn't a good tactical move, but it provided him with the best advantage. He was an intricate part of our success. His death has meaning. He died saving the people he loved.”
The tears could not be held back. They flowed freely down her face, soaking her neck and the high collar of her shirt.
He hugged her holding her tight. She wrapped her arms around his chest and listened to the gentle thud of his heart. They stood that way for a long time. She felt dampness on her shoulder and knew he too was releasing the pain.
He took a deep breath and stepped back, quickly wiping his eyes.
“We better get moving.”
He grabbed her hand, squeezed it and started moving.
Megan wanted to cry with relief and hurt at the same time. He wasn't angry. He didn't blame her. Her secret was safe. She could stay at the lodge.
When they got closer, Megan stopped walking. The rest of the men had waited. No one wanted to be the one to reveal what had happened.
Greg and Jack's death were going to be incredibly hard for them all to accept. Jack's death would be especially difficult.
“We better get this over with,” Wyatt said moving forward to cross the stream.
“They're gonna know,” Chase said. “They're gonna know the moment we walk through those doors.”
“There is no way to soften the blow. Be ready to catch Willow or my mom. I have no idea how hard this will hit them.”
Wyatt turned to Megan, “Can you take care of Ryland? He seems close to you.”
“Of course. I will do whatever I can to make this easier.”
Once again, guilt slammed into her. She was going to have to comfort the boy who lost his dad because she chose not to save him.
32
Each of them walked single file through the door. Megan walked in front of Wyatt. Rosie was rubbing an ointment on Linda's wrists and she looked up when she saw the procession.
Willow stopped what she was doing at the stove and watched as well.
No one said a word. He didn't think anyone even took a breath. The saying “you could hear a pin drop” wasn't even close to describing the silence in the room.
Wyatt met his mother's eyes before quickly looking away and shutting the door.
“No!” Willow cried. “No! Wyatt! No! Where is he?”
Wyatt wal
ked to her and wrapped his arms around her. She burst into sobs, hunching forward, unable to stand.
Rosie quickly put one hand on the table for support. Linda reached out and grabbed her free hand, offering her sympathy without saying the words.
Chase walked to stand next to Rosie. Wyatt knew he was ready to catch her should she collapse.
Caitlin popped her head over the upstairs railing. “They're back!” she said running down the stairs.
She bounded down the stairs in typical childlike innocence, unaware of the dark cloud hanging in the room.
The little girl rushed to her mom and Megan squeezed her daughter, holding Wyatt's gaze.
He hoped she could shake off the guilt she was feeling. There was nothing she could have done differently to make the situation any better.
They all knew death was a real possibility when they went on their march to war. He knew Jack had accepted the possible outcome. He knew without a doubt his brother never would have been okay if Megan had chosen to save him and let the others die.
“Where's dad?” Ryland asked, looking around the room.
His eyes settled on Wyatt holding his mother.
“Mom?”
Wyatt didn't know what to say. He couldn't say the words, couldn’t get them out.
It was Bryan who surprised him.
“Your dad is a hero, Ryland.” He walked over and extended his hand, “I want to shake hands with the son of the man who saved all our lives.”
Ryland put his hand out, still not fully grasping the situation.
He looked to Megan, “He…died?”
Wyatt watched as Megan fought back the tears. She peeled Caitlin off her and walked to Ryland, dropping down to get eye to eye with him.
“He did, honey. I am so very sorry. He was so proud of you. He fought so hard. It is like Bryan said. He saved all our lives. He is a hero.”
Albert had been sitting quietly at the table, “Greg?”
Chase shook his head.
“Dammit,” Albert muttered.
“You killed them all?” Rosie asked in a steady voice.
Wyatt looked her in the eyes, “Every last one.”
She took a deep breath, schooled her features and walked to Wyatt.
“Willow, dear, let's go upstairs,” she said softly.
Willow was uncontrollably crying.
Everyone in the room looked away. Her pain and suffering was palpable and it cut through each of them.
Ryland appeared to be in shock. Once Rosie had Willow safely up the stairs, Wyatt went to him.
“You want to talk about anything?” he asked the young boy who had yet to say anything else.
“How did he die?”
Wyatt looked to Megan for help. Should he tell him? Was he too young?
Megan grabbed Ryland's hand and led him to the table. She gestured for Wyatt to sit across from him.
Harry extended his frail arm and placed it on Ryland's back, “Your dad was a Godsend, young man. He saved me, my dear wife, and our little Emma. I didn't get the chance to meet him, but I know he sacrificed himself to make sure all of us would be okay.”
Linda, who looked to be in bad shape, had tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I'm so sorry, Ryland,” she said in a weak voice. “I'm so sorry, but I too am so thankful I got the chance to meet you and your mom.”
Ryland turned back to Wyatt, “How did he die, Uncle Wyatt? Please, tell me!”
Wyatt took a deep breath, “To be honest, I don't know for sure. There were a lot of men. Your dad held a position that allowed him to kill them as they came out of the house. I don't know how many men your dad killed, but you can imagine that they got a little angry.”
Ryland grinned, completely taking Wyatt off guard.
“I hope he killed a whole bunch of them.”
Megan stood next to Ryland, “He did. He absolutely did.”
Wyatt was relieved when Ryland didn't press for details about Jack's death. The young boy didn't need to know all the graphic details.
“Are we going to have funerals for my dad and Greg?” he asked.
“Yes. We will. I think we need to give your mom some time and then we will plan a funeral,” Wyatt explained.
Ryland was quiet for a few minutes before he stood.
“I better go check on my mom. I'm the man of the family now and dad always told me I had to take care of her if something ever happened.”
“Yes, you do. If you need any help, you let one of us know. You don't have to do it all on your own. We are all in this together. We will all help you and your mom,” Wyatt assured him.
“Okay. Thank you. Come on Duke, we gotta go check on mom.”
The dog jumped up and followed him up the stairs.
Wyatt excused himself from the group and went into the bathroom to clean up. He heard a knock on the door.
“Thought you may want some hot water,” Megan said holding out the steaming tea kettle.
“Actually, yes, that would be great. Here,” he said handing her one of the clean towels. “I know you want to clean the grime off, as well.”
She took the towel and closed the door behind her.
Wyatt poured the hot water into the bowl before adding some of the water from the jug that was always left in the bathroom for quick cleanups.
Megan sat on the edge of the tub, staring down at her feet. “It feels very weird.”
“Yes, it does and it will for some time. We’ll have to adjust to a new normal all over again.”
She stood, dipped her towel in the water and sat back down on the tub edge. “I'm tired of constantly adjusting. Just when you think things are going to be okay for a bit, surprise, a crazy mad man wants to kill you.” She smiled. “Not once, but twice. How does this happen to the same group of good people twice in the space of a year? We must have some really bad karma floating out there.”
Wyatt shrugged, “It's life. I imagine in a few weeks or months, there will be a new threat. It is never going to end. We are always going to be fighting against bad guys, Mother Nature and probably wild animals eventually. This life is going to be anything but boring.”
Megan sighed and finished wiping down her face, neck and arms.
“I'm beat. I’m going to read with Caitlin and then I think I will crash.”
“Aren't you going to eat?” he asked.
“I'm not hungry.”
He looked thoughtful for a second, “I don't think anyone is. I better go put away whatever it was Willow was making before we came in and destroyed her world.”
Megan winced. “Harsh.”
“Sorry. I'm not saying you, I am saying we. As in all of us, including Jack. He knew what he was doing.”
“I know, I know,” she said, grabbing his neck and giving him a quick kiss. “See you in a bit.”
Wyatt spent a couple more minutes alone in the bathroom. He took a few deep breaths and fought back the emotion that came bubbling to the surface.
The lodge did feel weird without Jack. Greg had made his mark as well. It was going to be hard to create a new normal. A wave of grief crashed over him like a tidal wave. Jack had been his best friend. He was the guy who understood him. He always lightened up the mood. He was so easy going. Wyatt had always been the serious one.
Wyatt splashed water on his face, demanding he pull himself together.
“I'm good,” he whispered to the reflection in the mirror. “I'm good.”
Wyatt opened the door to find Chase, Evan and Bryan sitting at the table. They each had a bowl of something, but none of them were eating.
“What's up?” he asked. Bryan looked up from the bowl, “Your mom came down and said we better eat. She said Willow made a good stew to warm our bellies after our journey and we better eat it.”
Wyatt had to smile.
He knew they weren't all that hungry, but when Rosie said to do something, even the biggest, burliest man did it.
“Where are Harry, Linda and Emma?”
/> Chase blew on a bite of stew, “Albert is getting them settled in his room tonight.”
“You better get a bowl of stew before your mom comes back,” Evan said, completely serious.
Wyatt didn't want to eat, but he didn't want to hurt Willow further.
“Fine.”
He scooped up some of the stew. He inhaled the steam and was pleasantly surprised by the aroma.
“It is really good,” Bryan said.
“Garrett?” Wyatt asked.
Chase had a strange look.
“He's only nineteen. All of this has overwhelmed him. He headed out to the tent to chill for a while,” Chase explained.
Wyatt understood the kid's need to get away from it all. It was a lot to take in. Wyatt had learned a long time ago not to stop and think about all the death. If Garrett allowed himself to see the faces of all of the men that died today, it would eat him alive.
“I'll talk to him,” Chase said, reading Wyatt's mind.
“Good. We don't need him getting all crazy and caught up in his head. We still have a lot of work to do.”
Bryan looked relieved to be talking about something else.
“Let's make a plan,” he said with enthusiasm.
Wyatt realized he was actually glad to plan for the future as well. He needed to stay busy. They all did. If they sat around thinking about the missing members, it wouldn't do anyone any good.
“We need to finish the longhouse. How close to being done is it?” he asked.
“Need to finish the roof, fill the chinks, and hang the door. Jack says,” Chase stopped himself. “Said we need to make a fireplace inside. He started making a frame for it. I'm not really sure how to do that.”
Albert came into the room, “I'll see if I can find anything in those history books upstairs. We need to get that thing finished. Jack had one he was using for reference. Looks like I'll be joining you boys out there and I want to make sure I stay warm.”
Wyatt knew Albert had given up his room to the older couple and their granddaughter. He wasn't sure how long they would stay, but he wasn't about to kick them out. They would work that out later.
“We can send Garrett out hunting. We really need to restore our food supply,” Bryan added.
“Good. It will give him something to focus on, as well. Maybe Ryland will want to go with him,” Evan added.
The EMP Lodge Series: Books One to Three Page 58
