by Arika Stone
“Go on…” he probed, knowing I had more in me.
“I like when you tell me it’s going to be one of those nights. I think about it all day. It’s a turn-on. I secretly enjoy it when you have your way with me. I liked how you made me take off my panties when we went to the club in Helsinki.” My mind raced to remember our interludes. “And I like how you’re treating me now.”
“You prefer I force you into submission.” It was like a light bulb went off in his head. He released his grasp from my neck. “You hate giving up control, but secretly you long to be powerless.” He stood before me shifting his weight. He was pensive. “You long to shun your responsibilities. That’s why you came to Finland. You wanted a complete and total escape from your life.” He started to pace. “It explains why you agreed to move in so quickly. You’ve wanted me to make decisions for you since day one. And that’s why you want power exchange. You don’t want to be responsible anymore, isn’t it?” He walked to the kitchen island and lit a cigarette. “I can’t do this, Eve. I don’t want to take full responsibility over you.”
“May I speak freely, Sir?” I walked over to him.
He reached out and unhooked my collar. “I’m not sure if this lifestyle is right for us. I fear I may be destroying who you truly are.”
“Why can’t we try it so I can make that decision for myself?”
He shook his head and closed his eyes. “It’s not like food where you can take a bite and spit it out if you don’t like it. You can’t go back once it’s happened. Dynamics change. And we can’t try it now because you’re mentally in another place. I don’t even know if this is you talking.” He grasped my arms. “I destroyed Kat. I will not destroy you. Please do not push us into something neither of us is ready for.”
Chapter 44
Val had been right. The euphoric cloud that shrouded my mind settled days after my subspace session. I decompressed and crashed back into reality, realizing I had been following him around like a lost puppy dog in search of its owner.
It was a difficult transition. I tried desperately to balance my job responsibilities with the duties of my new marriage. I longed for the stability of our life in Finland, where I catered to the house and he catered to me.
The period I spent in subspace eluded me, but he would not allow me to return to it. Our first rope session was also our last Master-sub session. He withheld all dominance and refused to collar me again.
I grew accustomed to having him around. I loved waking up next to him. I enjoyed lying in his arms at night watching television. It felt wonderful to walk hand in hand in the city together, shopping, dining out, going to gallery openings, visiting the museums. I didn’t want him to leave. Our time was short, and his job was knocking on our door.
“For the Eiffel tower, I have a company in Brooklyn who can create a replica for us for the Murdock wedding,” Vicki said, scanning her paperwork.
The phone buzzed. “Eve, I have Howard on the line.”
I picked up the phone. I didn’t want Vicki to overhear my conversation. Some things were better left private.
“Hi, Howie. Tell me you have good news.”
“I’m afraid not. The buyout won’t be approved unless you’re attached to it. It’s not the company. It’s you. They are scared of losing your clients if you leave.”
My stomach sank. “What other options do I have?”
“Other than offering partnerships, there is nothing else.”
“All right, let’s go with that. Can you have the paperwork prepared for Monday morning?”
“I can. But I warn you, the transition could take months, maybe even a year.”
“I don’t have a year. Figure out how to make it sooner. I’ll see you on Monday.” I hung up the phone, exasperated. I needed to be with Val, the sooner the better, for both my sanity and the stability of our marriage.
Vicki eyed me. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head. “I’m considering making you, and a few others, partners in the company.”
“You’re giving up your life for him?”
“How can I be committed to someone when I can’t be there? And how can I run a company when I can’t be here either?”
“What do you mean you can’t be here?”
“I’m moving. I want a normal life, something I’ve never had. We’re here almost twenty-four-seven, and when we’re not, we’re at a party somewhere. I’m tired of this lifestyle.”
“But you started this company from scratch. You busted your ass for this. You wouldn’t even give this up for Jude. Why him?”
I sighed. “I went to Finland to escape. I lost my muse, my desire, my joie de vivre. I found it in him. He made me realize that there is more to life than work.”
“What kind of life is being a housewife? You’re better than that. You don’t deserve that lifestyle.”
“But that’s what I want. I’ve done it all. I want to live a quiet life. I want to start a family. It’s something I’ve always longed for.” I paused. “We had a child together.”
Her eyes popped open. “What do you mean, had?”
“I lost the baby.” Sadness washed over me. “We wanted it, but there were complications. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”
She stood up and gave me a hug. “Oh, Eve, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you hate him.”
“If this is what you really want, then I’ll support you.” She peeled herself from me. “Don’t sell your share of the partnership. Be a silent partner. At least, if you divorce, you’ll have this.”
“If we divorce, he’ll have half. We never signed a prenup.” I couldn’t look her in the eye. I knew what she was going to say.
“You what? Have you completely lost your mind? This is why I don’t like him. He manipulates you into doing things you wouldn’t normally do.” She shook me as if to wake me up.
“Maybe that’s what love does to you.” I didn’t want her to further dampen my already gloomy mood. “Let’s get back to work.”
* * * *
“You’re home early.” He walked over and kissed me hello.
“I wanted to spend as much time as I could with you before you left.” I eyed his outfit. “You’re covered in paint. What were you doing?” He stood barefoot, in ripped, splattered jeans with his shirt half opened, revealing his chiseled abs. His hair was tied back, and he was clean-shaven. He looked adorable and utterly fuckable. This was the artist I loved.
“I’ve made you something.” His eyes were smiling. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the apartment.
I looked around. A dozen painted canvases of various sizes were scattered around my living room. I stood amazed. Each one was more beautiful than the last.
“Oh, Val, they are marvelous.” I studied his work. “These are for me?”
“But of course. Don’t touch them though. The oils are wet, and they will be for a while. It will be weeks before they are fully able to be handled.” He beamed, proud of his work.
“When did you paint these?” I was amazed at his creativity.
“Well, it gets boring when you’re at work. Edward helped me keep them out of your view until today.”
“Thank you so much.” I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. “I’m going to miss you terribly. I don’t…” My words broke off and were replaced by tears.
His strong arms embraced me. “Now, none of that or we’ll both be crying all night. These are here to remind you how much I love you.”
I held on to him. I didn’t know how life would be bearable without him.
“Go get changed. Dinner will be ready soon.” He kissed me on my head, holding me tightly before releasing me.
I went into the bedroom and changed quickly, returning to him in my favorite lounge pants and a tiny tee.
“Here, you’re going to need this.” He handed me a glass of Merlot. “Actually, I think we’re both going to need this.” He smiled coyly, pouring himself a glass.
He’d cooked dinner, a m
ore common occurrence since we'd arrived in New York and our roles were reversed. I took my plate and sat in front of the fireplace. It was a ritual we did nightly. It created a close intimacy, the kind that you didn’t get from sitting across from each other at a table.
“I got bad news at work today.” I sipped my wine and eyed him.
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow and glanced at me between bites.
“The buyout didn’t go through.”
“What do you mean? You had a commitment.”
“The company is worth nothing to an outside firm if I’m not attached to it. And unfortunately, I have too many employees to worry about.”
“Are there any other options?” He sounded concerned.
I gazed into the fire. “My only option is to offer partnerships. Eventually, I’ll leave, but the timeline is uncertain. But, with partners on board, I will be able to tour with you. I’ll just take another vacation.”
“But that’s not going to work for the long term. Both of us can’t be running around all the time.”
“I’m doing my best here, Val. But I can’t put one hundred and fifty employees on the unemployment line either.”
“I understand, but there must be something that you can do. You don’t personally oversee every event the company is contracted for.”
I could tell from his tone he wanted me to leave sooner rather than later. “I’ll become a silent partner. I’ll fly in when certain clients request me.”
“And realistically, how often will that be?” He raised an eyebrow, expecting a truthful answer.
“I don’t know. Probably several times a year.”
“And if you get pregnant?” He stared at me intensely. I knew he was not happy with what I was telling him.
“Then I take maternity leave, and I don’t return. At that point, the partners can buy me out.”
“I guess we’re going to have sex tonight.” He grinned, teasing me.
His words brought a smile to my face. “I thought we were going to have sex anyway. I mean, it is your last night here.”
“Yes, but it will be sex with a purpose. I’ll try my hardest to get you knocked up again.” He kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth.
I pushed him away. “You say you don’t want to control me, but demanding I get pregnant is extremely caveman-esque of you.”
“Starting a family is something we agreed we wanted. This has nothing to do with a power exchange.” He furrowed his brows.
“You’re right. It doesn’t. But fucking me to get me pregnant is.”
He threw his hands up in disgust. “This is why I don’t want to go into an exchange with you. You twist my words when it’s convenient. I need you to be supportive of us, whether it involves working or starting a family. I give up. I can’t give you what you want. I don’t even think you know what you want. And you certainly don’t know what I want.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you want?”
“Honestly”—his voice softened—“I want us to go back to where we were before you lost the baby.”
“And why is that?” I questioned him.
“Because you lost something that day.” He shook his head. “You used to adore me. You used to do the sweetest things. Take my birthday for instance. I fell for you that day. I asked you to be my wife because of what you did.” I saw tears in his eyes.
“Do you think if I get pregnant again, it will be a magic fix? No, Val, it wasn’t the baby. It was the bondage that placed us where we are today. You gave me a collar and expected me to be able to be as strong as you are. I don’t know how to flip the switch on and off like you do. I’m having a hard time adjusting, and I’m sorry if you think I’ve changed.”
“It’s just too much, too soon.” He threw his empty wine glass into the fire. “God damn it!” he growled.
I eyed him, not sure what to say.
“I see us falling apart, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m doing with you what I did with Kat, and it’s killing me.”
“What did you do with Kat?” I questioned him softly, knowing he could break down at any moment.
He sighed and stared into the fire. “We were in contract part time. She wanted it full time. I never should have agreed to it. I knew I had to go on tour, and I was responsible for her, but she wasn’t able to come. She couldn’t handle it, and it literally drove her over the edge.”
He drew his knees to his chest. “I don’t want that with you. I want us to be as we were, but I fear I took you too far, too soon.”
I reached out for him. “Val, look at me.”
He moved his face slowly, turning toward me. I knew this had been eating away at him for a while. “Before you toured, when you were with Kat, were you happy? And it’s okay to tell me the truth.”
“For the most part, yes, I was.” He sighed.
“If you were happy then, and I want it now, why aren’t we doing it if it’s something we both want?”
“Because, Eve, you weren’t ready to be collared, and you’re certainly not ready for an exchange.”
“Why don’t you lay the rules out and let’s both decide. Maybe neither of us is ready. But perhaps, one day we will be, and at least we’ll know where we stand when the time comes.”
He bit his nails. “We couldn’t do this until we were home. And if I ever toured again, you would need to come with me. I couldn’t, in good faith, leave you alone.”
“That’s fair. Go on.”
He was hesitant, but I knew his rules were coming, “I would expect you to take full responsibility over the house and our affairs, under my supervision. I would expect you to be a good wife in the sense of not giving me any problems about my work or schedule. If there was a problem or issue that needed to be addressed, we would have free periods until the matter was resolved to both of our liking. You would be expected to answer all questions honestly, directly, and freely. This is especially important regarding your emotional and mental well-being.” He stared at me to see my reaction.
“I want to hear all of your rules before I make a decision.”
“During play, there would be no boundaries in which you could refuse to obey me. You will tell me your complete list of desires, wants, and fetishes, and you will learn mine. You will exist solely for my pleasure, and you will wear something permanently, as I see fit, as a token of your commitment to me.”
The list was making me dizzy. I couldn’t keep up with his demands. “Wait.”
He paused, waiting for my questions.
“This is too much for me to take in all at once. I didn’t realize—”
He cut me off. “Of course you didn’t.”
“Is this what you really want?” I placed my hand over my mouth, comprehending the depth of servitude he would require. “I mean, we’re married, Val. Am I to expect this further down the line?”
“I’ve scared you, haven’t I?” He smiled. “This is why I didn’t want an exchange with you. You’re not meant for it, and I accepted that when I married you.” He kissed me. “Being submissive only in the bedroom doesn’t sound so bad, now does it?” His voice was as tender as his eyes. “I fell in love with you as my equal, and I want you as my equal, do you understand?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Yes I do. When we’re home and everything has settled down, maybe I could submit to you fully once in a while? I want to make you happy.”
“You make me happy by adoring me like you used to.” He looked away before resting his eyes on me. “When I’m on stage, it’s a rush to have so many people admiring me. When I dominate you, it’s a similar rush.”
“When you force me into submission, it’s a rush for me,” I confessed.
He drew me into his arms. “I know. But how could I enslave someone who is so powerful and strong? Your independence is what attracted me to you. How many other single women travel alone to Europe for a vacation?”
“Yes, but I like submitting to your will.”
“Only when it suits you.” He la
ughed. “You don’t think I know you, but I do.” He kissed me on the head. “You want to lose all of your responsibilities but don’t confuse that with a permanent power exchange. I will take care of you completely without you having to be under my control. Just take care of me. That’s all I ask of you.”
Chapter 45
“Morning, Edward.” I sat down at the counter, but the chair was empty next to me. After living with Val for nearly four months, it was odd being without him.
“Good morning, Eve.” He placed my breakfast in front of me.
I sniffed it. It didn’t smell right. “Thank you, but I think I’ll pass. Just coffee, please.”
My cell phone rang abruptly, and I knew from the tone it was Val. “Hello?”
“Good morning, darling. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“No, I’m awake. How are you? How’s L.A.?”
“Boring without you. I can’t believe you own a house you never use.”
“It was a good investment. I miss you. Life isn’t the same without you here.”
“We will be together again soon. Do you think you could fly out Valentine’s weekend?”
I heard tiredness in his voice. It was three a.m. on the West Coast. “I have weddings booked all weekend. It’s impossible.”
“No one can work for you? You’re the only CEO I know who can never take off.”
“I’ll see what I can do, but no promises. Can’t you come here?”
“I can’t. There is a party I need to attend Saturday evening. I was hoping you would be able to join me. Will you be home tonight?” I could hear him take a drag of his smoke.
“I may be home after my morning meetings. I’m not feeling well today.” I longed for him to be here so I could share my misery with him.
“What’s wrong?”
“I woke up dizzy. I’ll see how I feel later.” I was feeling so shitty I was considering crawling back into bed.
“I’ll let you go. If you’re up around eleven tonight, call me. We can video chat if you’re up to it.”
I smiled. “I would like that. I‘ll call you tonight. I love you.”
Four hours later, I zoomed into the office just in time for the partnership meeting. I burst through the door, slamming it behind me. “Good morning, everyone.” The boardroom was empty except for Vicki, Howard, and Jude. “Why are you here?” I glared at Jude.
